To visit in-laws twice a year

[SheDrivesMeCrazy]

DH and I have two DC aged 4 and 1. DH works full time and I'm a SAHM. DH's parents live just over 200 miles away and are self-employed. My own parents are retired, live 40 mins away and see me and DC about once a week, usually during the working day but occasionally at a weekend, in which case DH is there too.

We visited PILs at the end of June for the first time in nearly two years (previous time was just before I was pregnant with DD). We stayed at their house as they have two spare rooms and we couldn't afford to stay at a hotel/Airbnb in any case. We were away for 5 days, 4 nights, with the first and last days mostly spent travelling (6.5 hrs each way thanks to DC's endless toilet stops and protracted meals!) It was the longest stay that we could manage with DH's available annual leave. However, MIL was deeply disappointed that we weren't coming for at least a whole week and kept saying that there wouldn't be time to do half the things she had planned. (It did not please her to learn that we'd booked a two week summer holiday, the first since DD's birth. She felt we ought to be using that time to visit them.) She also said repeatedly that we'd better not leave it another two years before we visit again. We have no intention of doing so. We're not planning to have any more DC, and I hope we will all be in a fit state to make the trip from now on.

PILs generally come to see us two or three times a year, for 1 or 2 nights over a weekend. They usually bring SIL too and they all stay in a hotel as we don't have any space to put them up.

DH gets 30 days of annual leave and DS has just started school. Going forward, I could see us visiting PILs twice a year, in school holidays, for maybe 4 or 5 nights at a time. DH thinks this sounds fair, although he would be happy to go for a few nights longer if I were up for it and if he had enough annual leave.

For me, a week is too long to be under PIL's roof and I know DH would feel the same about spending that much time with my parents. However, I realise that I am very fortunate to live so close to my parents and to be able to see them regularly.

AIBU? How often would you make a trip of this distance to see family and how long would you stay for each time?

When I was growing up we lived the same distance (200 miles) from my grandparents and the journey took around 5 hours. We never visited for a weekend or bank holiday weekend - too far to travel. We usually went for a week, two or possibly three times a year (typically Easter and summer). My grandparents rarely made the trip to see us, and this was obviously before FaceTime etc, but this didn't stop me and my brother having a lovely close relationship with our grandparents and we now look back very fondly on those visits (it helped that they lived in a nice location and had a big garden).

So I don't think you're being unreasonable to only visit twice (or maybe three times) a year. The length of the visit doesn't need to be set in stone at this point - at the moment you're thinking 4 or 5 nights, it may end up being a bit longer if you can make it work with annual leave etc. Based on my own experience I think that's fine.

It depends on the roads. I’ve just checked a journey we do and it’s suggesting 2.5 hours for 100 miles, and that’s without breaks. It stops being fast roads at one point, and if I check the miles/times from then, it comes out at 1.5 hours for 60 miles. Whereas if I’m going to my parents, I can do 120 miles in 2 hours.

Twice a year, with them coming to yours twice a year as well, sounds pretty good to me with a 6-hour trip! Can they not come to yours more often, if they have the time? Or perhaps a joint holiday in the middle is not a bad idea. Then you see each other every 2-3 months.

I really can’t understand these replies tbh. Seeing them 4-5 times a year is absolutely fine and your DC will still have a close relationship with them. Not every family wants to live in each other’s pockets.

Thanks for all the replies so far.

Regarding the 6.5 hours it took us to make the trip this last time:

• We live in Kent and PIL live in the north and there are some parts of the route that get snarled up with traffic, particularly at certain times of day (PIL have been caught in terrible traffic many times and their journey has bloated from the 4 hrs suggested by Google Maps to nearer 6, and that's with minimal stops)
• We made numerous stops for the toilet but the main culprit was a lengthy stop at lunch time. Kids took an age to eat (both have sped up a lot since then - DD through getting older and having more teeth, and DS through having to eat school dinners quickly.) And to be honest the kids were just sick of being in the car and we let them have much more of a break than we would have taken if it had just been the two of us.

I appreciate that a lot of people are far more gung ho and no nonsense about making these sort of trips - and indeed much longer ones. I do set a great deal of store (probably too much) by my kids' routines/comfort and I admit that on this occasion I felt we were demanding a lot of them.

I also have to admit that my own feelings about staying with the in-laws have made the journey into a bigger factor than it would otherwise be. If we had to travel that distance to see my own family, I know I would just suck it up more easily. And yes, I know this makes me a massive hypocrite, which is why I wanted to get some objective opinions on what is and is not acceptable. My own family think two trips a year is plenty and that even one would be sufficient (I don't agree with that) but they're also biased and they get to see the kids all the time.

I agree it would be an idea to try travelling at a different time of day, e.g. of an evening. If kids will sleep more on the way then we will definitely stop less. Don't think I could make myself set off at 5am though. Only a flight to a hot country would entice me to do that!

The joint family holiday at a halfway point is a nice idea and would be a great compromise for some families. Not sure it would fit the bill in our case, however. A big part of why MIL wants us to visit them is to have DH back under the family roof and for DC to get to know where DH grew up. DH's sister and aunts also live locally so we see them too. PIL go on holiday themselves at most once a year, sometimes for a week but more often for five nights. PIL is self-employed and doesn't like to take a chunk of time away from his customers. They tend to go away when they need to use up clubcard vouchers on a hotel, which is also how they cover the costs of visiting us.

Meant to say FIL is self-employed

Is it any wonder you aren't keen to visit when after a 6 hour journey your MIL complains that you aren't staying for long enough and then gets annoyed that you booked a 2 week holiday instead of using that 2 weeks to spend with them! She's acting very entitled towards how you spend any free time / annual leave. YANBU OP. When DC are that small, then they should be putting all the effort in to visit you.

I think at least 4 times a year is fair.. 3-4 days approx once every 3 months on average is doable. I don't think their expectations are unreasonable and it would bother me that my husband didn't want to see his parents more often in their likely old age. I grew up being taught to visit the elderly, maintain family ties etc so might have skewed views.

To clarify, I don't think DH would object to visiting more than twice a year, in theory, but he thinks that twice is realistic. He finds the journey as onerous as I do and would rather make the trip fewer times but stay for longer, rather than do lots of long weekends.

I have no concerns about DH's attitude to PIL. He's probably not as close to his parents, emotionally, as I am to mine, but they have a very good relationship and talk/message regularly .

I wouldn't describe PIL as elderly yet - both in early 60s and able-bodied ☺️

@SheDrivesMeCrazy we used to visit DP's family about once every 8 weeks or so when ours were little. Coincidentally, we travelled from Kent to the north as well. We used to set off quite late on a Friday evening with the kids in pyjamas and rugs and an audio book and they quite often slept all the way and didn't properly wake up until the morning. Reverse the process on Sunday. PILs were OK, not my favorite people, but dp and the children loved them and I think it's very important to form strong family bonds. There were aunts and uncles and cousins too- PILs did a big family dinner on Saturday night. Sometimes DP took them on his own and I had a lovely weekend on my own! I really think twice a year just isn't long enough to build good bonds.

Roughly what it takes to get from South Yorkshire to Devon allowing for traffic and a couple of stops.

It’s the stops that really do increase the journey time. I prefer not to stop unless I really must, and generally I can do a 350 mile journey with minimal stops, perhaps a drive through for a coffee, but I prefer to travel with all my needs in the car

Yanbu, 2-3x per year is fine. Your kids are young, you are both busy and need time for your own little family.

if your in laws want to see you more they should book a hotel for longer, make more frequent trips or if they really feel they will miss out they could move closer.

I think what you're suggesting - twice a year for 4/5 days - is reasonable.

You wouldn't catch me spending a single night under my MIL's roof - but that's another story!

If they're nice people, and it sounds like they are, then it is worth doing what you can, but it is a long journey with very young children and definitely exhausting.

Why can't he go without you? You're married but not joined at the hip! It takes 4 hours to get to my parents home, longer more like 6 hours when the kids were very young and we had to stop a lot. We still went at least 4-6 times a year and for long weekends or up to a week We tend to go for a long weekend whenever the kids have school holidays. My dh thankfully loves my parents and wouldn't ever think to dictate to me how often I go. I also choose to prioritise spending time with them which it sounds like your dh doesn't. I don't think your mil is unreasonable to be disappointed but she should direct it at her son. If he wanted to spend more time with them he'd do so. Your kids won't be little forever so you won't need to stop as much.

For me 3 days is plenty of staying with any family. We did 5 days once (in our house) with ILs and it was too much.
once stayed with my own parents for 5 days and on day 5 oh suggested we stay longer-my father said « no I think 5 days is enough » 😂. I did feel the same way to be fair.

Also long drives with kids are miserable -2 trips up a year seems ample to me!
also if you went up for longer it takes up a fair chunk of your OHs annual leave.

we travel to IL (further than 200 miles) 1-2 a year. They visit 1-2 a year and then we usually meet somewhere in the middle one more time for a weekend away.

Oh and one time this year I sent OH with kids without me and caught up on some work

You appear to have zero interest in a relationship with your in laws. Poor people. You’re content because you can see your own parents. Do you have a boy? Imagine what you would feel like if in time his partner didn’t want to see you particularly.

You’re suggesting she get a PT job to fund trips to the in laws?!

I’d try and see them every 2 months for a relationship with the kids. If they come to you 2 to 3 times and you go twice as a family, just sent DH with the kids once or twice a year.

The visits don’t need to be longer, or guests like fish start to stink…

My in-laws lived 150 miles away. We visited them every six to eight weeks including weekends/Christmas.period/Easter. And that was from when our first child was just a few weeks old (there was no guidance back then for how long babies could be in a car seat).

I don't know how 200 miles translates to over six hours of travel. It seems as though you're making a bit of a meal of it really. Or you've just been unlucky with the one trip you've done.

But yes, assuming that you/ your DH are the ones who moved away, and as they make the effort to visit you, I'd say that double the number of visits that you're planning would be fairer. Long weekends are totally feasible. You just would rather not go for a short time. I suspect that you would if it was your parents.

Right.. you seem to be ignoring the fact the OP’s DH isn’t bothered. It isn’t the OP’s job to keep up relationships with his parents.

He can lead that and go up a couple times a year just him and the kids.

DH's sister and aunts also live locally so we see them too.

Yep. Your children are not going to form bonds with the other half of their family if you only see them twice a year. Sorry, I know it's hard work, but it's a responsibility that you have to your children as well as your in laws.

Come back and say that when you are the grandparent....

Obviously there are huge distances between families but personally I would be gutted to only see my children/grandchildren twice a year!

OP has an equal responsibility to her children though. And children need a relationship with both sets of grandparents and aunts/uncles.

Driving there at bedtime was the answer for us aswell !

Much easier driving with them asleep in the back seat, then you just dump them into bed when you arrive. You can do 200 miles straight through.

If you're lucky PILs get up with the kids the next morning and give at least one of you a lie in !