To think the high volume of male abusers means some people find it hard to see when a female is an abuser?

[BraykeDance]

Having experienced first hand fairly extreme abuse from a female, I feel a bit like even in 2023 some people struggle to believe women are capable of extreme psychological, emotional and even physical abuse.

I find often people want to victim blame by implying the man must have deserved it or driven her to it. Amber Heard being a great example of an abuser where I think if she were a man people would see much more clearly that she is an abuser.

I understand men (for reasons I don't understand) have a greater tendency to be abusers in the sense of power and control; but women do this too sometimes.

I found, as someone recovering from such am abuser, that many people minimised it and almost normalised behaviour that would certainly mean prison for a man.

Which made healing as a victim a lot harder. And also made it far easier for the abuser to continue.

AIBU to think we hold women to a different standard and sometimes reframe abusive behaviour or coercive control to fit with the idea of the female victim?

Neither have been found guilty of being abusive.

Yes the title is pretty clear, pretty clear it's provoking

Completely, my brother's ex completely destroyed him mentally, he literally has nothing, no home, no time with his daughter and any savings he had are gone (and not on the daughter) it's taken him a year to mentally recover with family and try to be a dad through the court process but she still calls him and manipulates things, you can tell when she's done it because his sense of reality changes and one of the worst thing she did was isolate him from all his friends and family. The courts have sided with her 100% it's taken 18 months to go through the process which had suited her as their daughter is nearly school age so she's been able to make all the decisions and be with her 24/7 in all those years. She's never been alone with her dad, not even a walk to the park down the street. I used to think she was alright and he was the problem, I'm really ashamed by that.

@Chickenkeev

The fact of the matter is, the vast vast majority of DV is perpetrated by men. That is an irrefutable truth. Idk why that irks you so much

It doesn't. It's in the title of my thread.

Why are you feeling the need to invade this space to minimise people's experience?

Trolls will no longer be responded to just reported.

This is a thread where people are sharing horrible experiences of abuse.

Show some respect and go elsewhere for am argument.

I'm not. All i was saying was is that the female abuse is vanishingly small comlared to the male. Equally awful, but much less common.

@BraykeDance I'm not sure why you're attacking posters in such a personal way. Nobody is trolling or invading your personal space, or disrespecting you or anyone else as a victim. You just seem determined to keep bringing Amber Heard into things (as you did from your first post) and misrepresenting that situation. She didn't cut off his finger, or admit to abusing him, or pretty much anything else you've claimed. It's quite strange that you're so upset by people disagreeing about this, but in any case you could at least stick to the facts.

@Yazo

Completely, my brother's ex completely destroyed him mentally, he literally has nothing, no home, no time with his daughter and any savings he had are gone (and not on the daughter) it's taken him a year to mentally recover with family and try to be a dad through the court process but she still calls him and manipulates things, you can tell when she's done it because his sense of reality changes and one of the worst thing she did was isolate him from all his friends and family

It strikes me reading this yet again that abusers behave in all the same ways, regardless of gender. The victim ends up mentally destroyed. It's great your brother has a loving family to support him.

The courts have sided with her 100% it's taken 18 months to go through the process which had suited her as their daughter is nearly school age so she's been able to make all the decisions and be with her 24/7 in all those years. She's never been alone with her dad, not even a walk to the park down the street. I used to think she was alright and he was the problem, I'm really ashamed by that

Don't be. Abusers are very good at persuading other people of their innocence. It's easier because they're planning it all while the victim is often bewildered and reacting to behaviour they can't understand. The important thing is that you know now.

One of the kindest and most loving things you can do for someone who's been psychologically messed with is to tell them you believe them.

OP I totally agree with you. I have been bullied and psychologically abused by a woman, a friend.
Noone ever believed me.

The Amber heard case is a fantastic example. I listened to the whole trial, heard all the tapes
She was like something out of a horror movie, cackling maniacally. She is pure evil.

but of course because she's a woman she can't possibly be the abuser. I mean who the hell chases their abuser round a house and tells them to stop running away and being a baby? And admits to hitting them on tape that SHE herself recorded!! FFS.
In some people's eyes it is absolutely always the mans fault, no matter what. And in some people's eyes Depp could never win, ust from his persona alone.
If a woman is getting abused and retaliates it's self defence, but if a man does it would make him the abuser.

And of course this plays out in society all the time, men don't get believed and they rarely report abuse.
There was a study quoted in another thread that showed how the levels of domestic abuse against men are, it was shocking, its just never discussed as it's seen as taking away from women's issues and anti-feminist to even discuss it.
Well done OP for raising this important topic.

You clearly didn't watch the trial. The doctor that said it couldn't have happened was taken apart by another doctor who said it absolutely could.
If you saw the whole trial it was damming, which is why she was found guilty by a jury of defamation.

Literally nobody has said women can't be abusers. There are are endless CF threads here all the time where women are abusers. It's just in romantic relationships, it is statistically more likely for the male to be the abuser. That is a statistical reality. And i find it really strange that people would have a problem with that.

Here is a video of AH testimony with recordings as evidence.

She admits openly she gets "mad" and "loses it". She admits she "gets physical" and he tries to leave but she stops him. She admits, multiple times that she hits him. She then tells him he's a baby. It's described on the tapes that he hides in a locked bathroom to escape being hit, and when he unlocks it, she starts hitting him again. He tries to push her out and she hits him In the head with the corner of the door. He then stands up, and she "clocks him".

This is domestic abuse.

If a man was recorded doing this to a woman you'd be horrified.

Anyone who thinks it's not domestic abuse must thing women abusing men is fine. Please get OFF this thread. It is not the place for you.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rPBOq3uUzvM&pp=ygUVYW1iZXIgaGVhcmQgaSBoaXQgeW91

So why do you keep bringing up Amber Herd? If you want to post for support about your experience, then how about you focus on your experience, and stop slinging mud.

No it’s not.
you keep bringing up amber herd, and then when people disagree with you you say it’s a thread about your experience as a victim and therefore no one is allowed to disagree/ challenge/ share their own opinion about the AH/ JD trial.
SO manipulative.

@Ilovebudgies

OP I totally agree with you. I have been bullied and psychologically abused by a woman, a friend. Noone ever believed me

I am so sorry you experienced this. Being able to speak up and be believed is so important.

And of course this plays out in society all the time, men don't get believed and they rarely report abuse. There was a study quoted in another thread that showed how the levels of domestic abuse against men are, it was shocking, its just never discussed as it's seen as taking away from women's issues and anti-feminist to even discuss it.Well done OP for raising this important topic

We found it very hard to find resources for this :( There's not much online. Menkind weren't much help. You can see on this thread the sheer vitriol for even raising it is quite powerful.

and now we have the thread police. How original.

You mean the OP? I agree, it's ridiculous.

What do we feel this vitriol is about? It's one thing, in my eyes, to dismiss or minimise abuse by a woman - based perhaps on ignorance or unconscious bias - but a few people here are engraged by victims of female abusers discussing a self confessed female abuser. Some acussed this thread of being misogynistic. Some can't help repeated whataboutery. Some have been outright unpleasant.

I'm wondering what the psychological basis might be for this?

I tried to imagine myself going to a thread about victims of something, and telling them "oh that hardly ever happens" or accusing them of all sorts of odd things and it's unimaginable to do that.

I wonder what it is? What fuels it?

No, I mean this that are telling the OP not only what to post but how to post as well.
Its the usual derailment of a thread from posters that have run out of points.

The op is the one telling people not to post unless they agree with her agenda

But do you not see how the response to a male victim of “yeah but it’s a lot more common for women to be victims” is at best, clumsy and thoughtless, and at worst can feel pretty dismissive.

you can say “yes that’s terrible” without the “but…”

@Chickenkeev

"Literally nobody has said women can't be abusers. There are are endless CF threads here all the time where women are abusers. It's just in romantic relationships, it is statistically more likely for the male to be the abuser. That is a statistical reality. And i find it really strange that people would have a problem with that."

+++

I don't disagree with anything in your post and absolutely yes it is statistically more likely for the male to be the abuser.

However what I find really objectionable is societal attitudes to females being the abuser where cases are either disbelieved, ignored or the victim is laughed at which is much less likely than if the abuser has been male.

Especially seeing as her whole point is that mens issues are dismissed and never believed.

Tbf, most of the available studies (certainly the biggest ones) show women to perpetrate almost as much domestic abuse as men, although men tend to cause more serious injuries which is unsurprising considering that most DV is bidirectional and the significantly weaker individual will usually come off worse.

People mainly quote crime stats but they're unreliable as men are known to under-report out of embarrassment - 'boys don't cry' etc. For example, studies that ask women if they've ever assaulted their partners find much higher rates of female abuse than equivalent studies asking men if they've ever been assaulted by their partner.