To expect him to look for ANY job?

[ellie09]

Hi all

My boyfriend got a bit of bad news on Thursday that we had lost his job after failing his probation. They cited underperformance but we have suspicions it is because of the recent lay offs.

It was a reasonably well paid job of around 45k per annum and in the last few months, he has just signed a new lease, got a new car and 2 new kittens.

I've told him I can help as much as I can, as we don't live together yet. He has had to sign on for UC in the meantime during his job search and what he is expected to receive is very much lower than what he is used to. I have told him to come to me during the week a few times for dinner, that if needs be, I will cover food etc for his kittens and help out with petrol if we are using his car. Unfortunately, I only earn c. 35k per annum and have my own house to run, a child and a dog and Christmas round the corner, so don't have much in the way of financial contribution.

We also have a holiday coming up in November, which thankfully, we have paid off but we will still need money for spending etc. I said if he still has no offer, I will cover his cats boarding for the week.

His savings are almost gone as he's paid out deposits for new rental, new car etc recently.

I suggested to him to go out and find ANY job in the meantime for some extra cash, as there will be lots of temporary Christmas jobs coming up. He still remains hopeful he will get something similar soon. However, when he got his last job, this took around 8 weeks for an offer. He has a full month of full pay, then nothing.

I reached out to my mum who owns a business and she's offered a couple of days work for some extra cash but he doesn't seem enthusiastic about it. He has said that no offense, but working in a shop etc is a bit beneath him.

AIBU to think that you should be trying anything in the interim to get some extra cash in and just swallow your pride a bit?

I know in this situation I would be petrified and going for anything and everything to ensure I had enough money in to cover me.

I guess if any money he can get from temp jobs would be more than he can get from JSA and UC. I also think, job hunting properly for a decent professional job can be like a full time job! Hard to know without knowing what profession he is in and what the market is like

I would think very carefully about how willing you to support him,if he won't accept jobs.

While I agree he should find something to keep trying to tick over, if he does take a job in an unrelated area it can be difficult to get back into his chosen profession. It might be worth him really focusing his job search on the area he’s working in if the job market is ok where you are, or looking for temp work in a related field?

Stop subsidising a man who has been offered work but thinks it's beneath him.

No you're not unreasonable to expect him to get any job.

You have your own expenses. Don't make yourself poorer for someone who didn't prioritise savings when he had the opportunity.

I would think very carefully about how willing you to support him,if he won't accept jobs.

Absolutely this, it’s very bad luck for him but you can’t step in and fill the gap. Also don’t be suggesting he gets out of his lease and moves in with you - he needs to quickly stand on his own two feet however he chooses to do that.

He’s failed his probation period, which is a bit of a red flag - even with upcoming layoffs, companies tend to hold on to the workers they want to keep. How he handles this will tell you a lot about the man he is.

He knows that even if he gets another permanent job he’ll have to wait a month for payment and that it took him two months to find something last time. Bearing this in mind and just one months salary left, do you think he’s expecting you to support him if he doesn’t find anything, honestly?

The job market isn't great in general across the field. There seems to be lots of jobs advertised in his field (software engineering, IT) but they get grabbed relatively quickly. When he got his last job, this was after rejection from 5 out of 6 applications.

In terms of support from me, he knows I can help him to a degree. I won't be able to provide any cash, but can support with some food (I usually have lots leftover anyhow!) And I wouldn't let his kittens go without either as I have a soft spot for animals with having a dog myself!

I don't think he should leave his industry, but my thinking was, a temp job while looking shouldn't be a straight up no. Its easy to keep off your CV if you think it'll deter any professional jobs but still help to keep you afloat.

I just worry about people far too much, lol!

Stop solutioning for him. He was foolish to commit himself financially to things until he knew he had successfully completed the probation period. Ask him what his plan is.

You've been way too generous and premature making offers of paying for stuff 'if' he doesn't have a job by then. That's why he feels comfortable enough to say shit like no offense, but working in a shop etc is a bit beneath him.

If he didn't have you, what would he do? Suck up some temp work, or hold out for the perfect role with the perfect salary, and live on the pittance that is UC indefinitely?

I really think you need to step back and leave him to it. You have a child to support. You don't need a man child.

I can see both sides. Just to keep some cash coming in then yes, anything he is capable of doing should be considered. But he still needs time to properly focus on the type of job he really wants, attend interviews etc.

So I would say your mum's offer for a few days week is a good. She knows he won't be around forever and will probably be flexible if he has an interview on a day he said he would work.

But, then again, how much money is she offering him and how does that compare to the amount of UC will he get and what are his UC commitments?

My biggest concern would be that he took a while to get that job only to be sacked for underperformance shortly after. Chances are, he might struggle to get another job in this field altogether or even if he does, what if he doesn't perform well again? Also, worrying that his first reaction to getting work was to blow through his savings and get lots of credit...

That doesn't sound right, we massively struggle to recruit into IT roles at my work. There are never enough qualified people applying for roles. Maybe it is different in different areas though.

I can see why he wouldn't want to go for something different, but he needs the money. It could damage him getting back in to his normal line of work, but if he works in a shop for a few months he can always leave it off his cv and put it down as looking for for of he thinks that's better.

He knows he won't be moving in with me as we are not ready, and also has a 12 month lease that doesn't end until next year.

I feel bad for his mum too, being a guarantor as I don't see this going well. He has a 3 bedroom house so its above his entitlement so he won't get much help there.

I just don't understand the lack of urgency. If it was me, I would be applying for professional jobs as well as something to tide me over temporarily (Tesco, cleaner, bar, cafe etc)

My thoughts too. He shouldn't have made new financial commitments outside the rental one while on probation. I wouldn't be rushing in with offers of financial support.

There is quite a few here in Northern Ireland/Belfast! It didn't take me long getting my new job in account management either (3 interviews, and got offered the 2nd and got rejected for the other two)

He's had someone from his previous employer reach out so he is hoping to jump back in there (but maybe I'm just a pessimist!)

I understand I may not know what went on in his job and I may not know the full story. He did take a few days off I believe for being sick, and asked for more days WFH than office days when he was moving, got his cats etc. He didn't seem to work "hard" if that makes sense, but he said in that line of work there's a lot of waiting around for things etc and to be honest, I don't know much about that line of work.

I have told him to keep off his CV. I had a couple of short lives part time jobs as a student that I don't put on mine.

You need to take a step back. This is his problem to solve - not yours. You can emotionally support him but you can't fix the situation for him or make him do anything he doesn't want to do. He's made some dodgy decisions and that's on him.

I know you don't want to see him or his cats starve but it won't come to that. Stop worrying on his behalf when he seems happy to cruise and take risks such as sign up for both a lease and a car when on probation.

He must have had some indication he wasn't doing brilliantly even if it wasn't spelled out 'you are on track to fail your probation'?

He at least should pick up the work with his mum for holiday spends if he's committed to that. 'Beneath me' shouldn't cut it with you if he has guaranteed work to cover luxuries for now. Do not pay for his holiday extras. He needs to find this himself.

2 days a week in a shop won't stop him researching and applying. It doesn't even need to go on his CV. It will just stop him leaning so hard on you.

You don't live together. Watch very carefully how he puts this situation right. It will tell you a lot about him.

Not sure what you mean by jobs in his field getting snapped up quickly. Surely they have a published closing date that he needs to apply by? Perhaps the competition is strong but that isn't about speed.

Actually looks like he's overcommitted financially on the house too, 3 bedrooms for one person is a lot of room and his mum's a guarantor. Why does he even need one? If he was on previous wages similar to his last job there's no reason on the face of it he'd need anyone to guarantee his rent unless he has form for blowing through this money and not paying his debts and bills or he's young and newly qualified, but I don't think that's the case. Potential red flag there.

I’m going to go slightly against the grain and say that he only got news of his termination on Thursday and today is only Monday so it’s unreasonable to expect he has everything sown-up by now.

Being let go from a job is tough and taking a few days to lick your wounds is normal.

You seem to have gone straight into “saviour” mode- speaking to your mum about employing him, making plans for how his kittens will be fed etc.

Just let him be and see what he does next but his employment status isn’t a project for you. If he’s generally not idle, I’d imagine he’ll start updating his CV and applying for jobs soon.

He needs to sign up to a job agency and take any work they offer him. If he's claiming UC they will have him making job applications every week and if he doesn't he'll probably get sanctioned. He'll be entitled to some housing support money but it's unlikely it will cover all of his rent. You have a child to pay for so that is your priority. Invite him for dinner a couple of times a week but don't offer to pay for kittens or anything else. He can use his credit card for spending money on holiday and for a cat sitter too. He can pay money directly into their bank account. You should not pay. You are not married or even living together. There are lots of IT/software jobs out there and he will get another one but it might take him a while. If he thinks working in a shop is beneath him you can see what he thinks of your own Mum. If he moans about having no money keep reminding him your Mum offered him work. He wouldn't need to put temp work on his CV anyway.

If he’s in software or IT then there should be work around, tech generally is having a bit of a bad year but devs as a rule rarely struggle for work. Good devs get their hands bitten off! What was his last job?

Also a decent (or even mediocre) employer wouldn’t cite underperformance unless it was true. He’d been there under two years so wouldn’t be entitled to anything much in redundancy even if he wasn’t on probation. If it was lay offs, they would have just said so.

I’d also not offer to support him so readily, jumping into more credit and rinsing your savings isn’t good financial planning so he may have form (or he may have had good reasons - you know him best so just ensure your protecting yours and your childrens’ interests)

Definitely step back and make sure you are sorted first.

If he is qualified/experienced in Software engineering he should be able to get a new role quickly, paying more than your £35k.

Stop telling him what and how to manage his money and stop making it your business by offering to cover costs for him.

Treat him like the grown-up he is who will have had an opportunity to put away some savings for a rainy day and so can sort himself out.

The only thing that may affect you is the holiday - check when the 100% refund (or max refund) for cancellation deadline is and otherwise stop offering to pay for stuff.

The holiday is all paid off thank goodness!

Its more of a thought that I may not get the holiday I originally thought if he needs to watch his spending while away!

I think he has definitely learned a lesson in saving/spending etc.

Im at the end of my probation also in my new job, and got news on the same day that I passed mine. I've kept quiet about it and said nothing, as I thought it wasn't the time. But I spent the last 6 months building up my savings again (I did buy a new car as well, but within budget and my last car was on the way out) However, I don't have much in way of finance in anything else.

I think once we have kids we are so much smarter with finances aren't we?!

To be very harsh, all the time and energy you're pouring into this person is time and energy you're taking away from your child.

This person is not your family.

He's dealing with a bit of a hard time but so do all of us. People lose jobs all the time. He's fine. He'll figure it out.

I feel very suspicious that he's trying to get you to move him in.

Next time he starts playing the violin, say, "Oh well, hope you get it sorted" and redirect the conversation.