To expect him to look for ANY job?

[ellie09]

Hi all

My boyfriend got a bit of bad news on Thursday that we had lost his job after failing his probation. They cited underperformance but we have suspicions it is because of the recent lay offs.

It was a reasonably well paid job of around 45k per annum and in the last few months, he has just signed a new lease, got a new car and 2 new kittens.

I've told him I can help as much as I can, as we don't live together yet. He has had to sign on for UC in the meantime during his job search and what he is expected to receive is very much lower than what he is used to. I have told him to come to me during the week a few times for dinner, that if needs be, I will cover food etc for his kittens and help out with petrol if we are using his car. Unfortunately, I only earn c. 35k per annum and have my own house to run, a child and a dog and Christmas round the corner, so don't have much in the way of financial contribution.

We also have a holiday coming up in November, which thankfully, we have paid off but we will still need money for spending etc. I said if he still has no offer, I will cover his cats boarding for the week.

His savings are almost gone as he's paid out deposits for new rental, new car etc recently.

I suggested to him to go out and find ANY job in the meantime for some extra cash, as there will be lots of temporary Christmas jobs coming up. He still remains hopeful he will get something similar soon. However, when he got his last job, this took around 8 weeks for an offer. He has a full month of full pay, then nothing.

I reached out to my mum who owns a business and she's offered a couple of days work for some extra cash but he doesn't seem enthusiastic about it. He has said that no offense, but working in a shop etc is a bit beneath him.

AIBU to think that you should be trying anything in the interim to get some extra cash in and just swallow your pride a bit?

I know in this situation I would be petrified and going for anything and everything to ensure I had enough money in to cover me.

He has said that no offense, but working in a shop etc is a bit beneath him.

But sponging off a woman and her child isn’t? Agree with others - that’s a huge red flag…..

This. Why on earth are you offering to support him. You have a child to support. He needs to get a job. It’s not your fault he’s got car finance etc, that was his risk to take

Yeah you never know the full story.

I used to be a manager and had to do probations etc. I failed one person in 3 years on probation and it was in a pretty "easy" field. And it was incredibly difficult to do. I had to prove training sessions, 121 sessions and that the support was there and reasons behind not extending it.

My boyfriend told me a couple of months back that his manager told him they'd be extending his probation so they can improve some things, so he was shocked when this happened on Thursday.

I do know that to fail a probation, you need to have been miles off the mark and its a reputable, big company.

I was always told it costs more to hire somebody new, so to go down every avenue with employees before letting them go.

Ill likely never know the honest truth,so I haven't questioned him much on it.

He is acting a bit ridiculous with the company etc though so I have told him to reign it in a bit.

Tell him that a man with financial commitments who turns down legal, respectable, useful work because it's 'beneath him' is beneath you.

OP I’d be more bothered about how he failed his probation tbh? Companies spend a lot of money and time recruiting and training new hires, so this really doesn’t happen often. If there were issues they’d usually extend the probationary period, but to bin him off altogether suggests his performance was very poor, either he couldn’t do job or he took the piss. You need to know which. If he overreached fair enough he needs to recalibrate his expectations downwards and will need to reduce those outgoings accordingly.
If he took the piss in a new job ( which tbh it sounds like) then he’s a child and I’d be running like the wind, you will never be able to rely on that type of guy.

You’ve got it all planned out but he probably hasn’t had chance to catch his breath as he has only just learnt about his job. I don’t know why you have stepped in to sort so much out. Let him get on with it.

He can get a courier job like AmazonFlex or Yodel almost instantly if he drives.

Yep. Huge red flag.

Of course he would prefer a job in line with what he was doing to working in a shop. But he seems already to be turning up his nose at opportunities to plug the gaps.

I would also pull back on trying to organise his money/spending/find work for him. This is not your problem. You're not married/don't have children.

Don't become too enmeshed too soon and certainly not with a bloke who is flashing red lights for cocklodgery.

I'd not be willing to support anyone who wouldn't take a job that's offered to him.

My dh got made redundant from a 90k job a few years ago, he knew it would take a few months to secure another position in his chosen field so he took a driving job for Tesco to tide him over until he got another job.

I've worked in IT for 40 years and been made redundant several times.

Your dp needs to write out a budget - what cash does he have, what benefits will he get, what his outgoings are etc. That will tell him how long he can last before getting into debt. And he needs to cut all non-essential spending

He needs to flag his availability on LinkedIn, let all his old colleagues know he is looking. Put his cv with Indeed and choose a couple of good agencies -Reed etc. Then spend probably 4 hours per day searching for a new role.

Then he needs to apply for other jobs as a back-up, supermarkets are already recruiting for Xmas drivers.etc.

Jobs in IT can be transient even in the larger companies, so in future he should try to keep 6 months money as an emergency fund before he spends on holidays and new cars.

The longest it has taken me to find a new role is 7 months (during covid) which was pretty stressful.

Yes, this is exactly what I am talking about!

Nonetheless, at least we are not married or have children together. Or even live together. Or I would be ten times worse!

Ill probably take a step back a bit, I've given all my advice and its up to him to take it or not. Ill still stand by having him round to dinner a few times a week (because a lot gets thrown out in my house anyhow!)

I've said what I've had to say, so I'll probably stay silent on the matter unless he brings it up with me.

To be honest, I have enough to be worried about between Christmas coming up, paying for childcare and all my own bills etc.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

OP he isn't frugal. Who gets a three bed house on the off chance he'll have visitors?! He's done it because his mum is his guarantor. Don't be his second financial supporter.

You have a child. Take a step away from this guy. He can sort himself out. And figure out why you're so desperate to step in and save the day.

The job market isn't great in general across the field. There seems to be lots of jobs advertised in his field (software engineering, IT) but they get grabbed relatively quickly.

I'm sorry, but this is really not my experience, trying to recruit for a major corporate.

We are always looking for good people, who are snapped up quickly. In addition to signing on with a few, well chosen agencies, he should be contacting everyone he has ever worked with, who he is sure would want to work with him again, to asked them if they can put him in contact with anyone with roles to fill.

That's easier than asking straight out for a job.

Let's hope his experience at the last place has not clouded his prospects. If he has the skills, then it's usually just a question of a square peg in a round hole.

Meanwhile, I would seriously encourage you to not be too quick to jump in an reassure him that you will bail him out. Doesn't do any harm for him to get a bit of focus.

That sounds awful! But glad you got sorted in the end!

I have given him advice and said he's in a really good position with all the Christmas temp work coming up (which is nearly always PT so plenty of time to still apply for jobs etc) but its up to him whether he takes this advice or not before it's too late.

searching for a professional role can take time - but no reason not to take part time work, particularly if your DM has offered him something, presumably that would be flexible to allow for interviews?

If he has a 3 bedroom house, can he get a lodger - or does his lease preclude him from doing that?

You seem very controlling about a man you don't even live with.

More like she knows what he’s like and he’ll be looking for handouts and for OP to feed him every night.

I wouldn’t immediately apply for an unskilled job. However… I always keep a savings buffer specifically to cover job loss, so I can take my time interviewing for suitable roles.

If hasn’t planned for this eventuality, and has no savings, the comments of being “too good” for unskilled jobs would wind me up. I would withdraw any financial support and leave him to it.

I think if you feel you need to have this much oversight and are this far apart on expectations, then maybe this isn't a good fit for a relationship?

I think once we have kids we are so much smarter with finances aren't we?!

Huge alarm bells ringing with this

This might be how you are. Some people don't change and are just a feckless after children as before.

Please don't assume he will suddenly step up. Chances are he will not. Sorry

Why are you prepared to give him money that you could be saving for your child?

You say you’re not helping with cash, but you’re kidding yourself, you are. You say you have leftovers: that’s pure cash as soon as you sort out your own meal planning.

He’s a grown adult, who chose to over extend himself when he new he was on probation. Leave him to sort it out. Be that a temp job, getting a lodger in his 3 bed place, downgrading the car… whatever. That’s his decision and action! Learn from your previous mistakes. Save your money for you and your child.

Very, very few places are actively making experienced software engineers redundant right now - it's still a major shortage skillset.

I would strongly consider the possibility that he actually wasn't very good at the job. Or maybe this org was just a misfit - it happens - but, being honest with yourself, have you seen any other indicators that he doesn't get on well or play well with others in the workplace? You really really don't want to end up subsidizing someone who is rapidly becoming chronically unemployable.

His previous job he has in for 5 years and he then moved 6 months ago (same as I did) when he became frustrated with career progression.

There haven't been many signs at all. He attended all work social events and I even attended one about 2 months ago and met a few of his work colleagues. Everything seemed grand and he seemed happy.

When he told me the news, I thought he was joking.

How long have you been together op?

Not that long, around a year now!

So nowhere near ready for moving in etc just yet!