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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to look for ANY job?

119 replies

ellie09 · 02/10/2023 10:30

Hi all

My boyfriend got a bit of bad news on Thursday that we had lost his job after failing his probation. They cited underperformance but we have suspicions it is because of the recent lay offs.

It was a reasonably well paid job of around 45k per annum and in the last few months, he has just signed a new lease, got a new car and 2 new kittens.

I've told him I can help as much as I can, as we don't live together yet. He has had to sign on for UC in the meantime during his job search and what he is expected to receive is very much lower than what he is used to. I have told him to come to me during the week a few times for dinner, that if needs be, I will cover food etc for his kittens and help out with petrol if we are using his car. Unfortunately, I only earn c. 35k per annum and have my own house to run, a child and a dog and Christmas round the corner, so don't have much in the way of financial contribution.

We also have a holiday coming up in November, which thankfully, we have paid off but we will still need money for spending etc. I said if he still has no offer, I will cover his cats boarding for the week.

His savings are almost gone as he's paid out deposits for new rental, new car etc recently.

I suggested to him to go out and find ANY job in the meantime for some extra cash, as there will be lots of temporary Christmas jobs coming up. He still remains hopeful he will get something similar soon. However, when he got his last job, this took around 8 weeks for an offer. He has a full month of full pay, then nothing.

I reached out to my mum who owns a business and she's offered a couple of days work for some extra cash but he doesn't seem enthusiastic about it. He has said that no offense, but working in a shop etc is a bit beneath him.

AIBU to think that you should be trying anything in the interim to get some extra cash in and just swallow your pride a bit?

I know in this situation I would be petrified and going for anything and everything to ensure I had enough money in to cover me.

OP posts:
Thatladdo · 02/10/2023 11:21

Probably an idea to sell his car to meet his costs while he takes his time finding the "perfect" job

Bored1000 · 02/10/2023 11:25

I think he should fully focus on finding a job in his field for the next couple of months and just live minimally, he only heard he lost his job on Friday so it’s not as if he has been out of work for very long

Coffeetree · 02/10/2023 11:28

ellie09 · 02/10/2023 11:13

The holiday is all paid off thank goodness!

Its more of a thought that I may not get the holiday I originally thought if he needs to watch his spending while away!

I think he has definitely learned a lesson in saving/spending etc.

Im at the end of my probation also in my new job, and got news on the same day that I passed mine. I've kept quiet about it and said nothing, as I thought it wasn't the time. But I spent the last 6 months building up my savings again (I did buy a new car as well, but within budget and my last car was on the way out) However, I don't have much in way of finance in anything else.

I think once we have kids we are so much smarter with finances aren't we?!

No. It's pretty normal to wait till probation is over to commit to financial things.

If it gets to mid-Oct and he's still sponging off you and his mum, I'd consider cancelling the holiday.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 02/10/2023 11:31

Jellycatspyjamas · 02/10/2023 10:36

While I agree he should find something to keep trying to tick over, if he does take a job in an unrelated area it can be difficult to get back into his chosen profession. It might be worth him really focusing his job search on the area he’s working in if the job market is ok where you are, or looking for temp work in a related field?

I do wish people would stop saying this. If you need to take eg a Christmas sales assistant job to keep a roof over your head this will NOT stop you getting a job in your normal field.

Needing to earn money to live is kind of necessary and any employer who thinks that it's a luxury is a prat and not worth working for anyway (and you'll probably find yourself in a similar situation a few months on).

enchantedsquirrelwood · 02/10/2023 11:33

It's pretty normal to wait till probation is over to commit to financial things

I don't think it is. I am very cautious and agree with you, but I don't think most people are.

In one job I didn't even ever commit to an annual season ticket as I didn't trust my nightmare boss not to sack me. I only ever had a monthly ticket.

But I think that's a fairly extreme viewpoint.

Original poster
ellie09 · 02/10/2023 11:34

Bored1000 · 02/10/2023 11:25

I think he should fully focus on finding a job in his field for the next couple of months and just live minimally, he only heard he lost his job on Friday so it’s not as if he has been out of work for very long

No, its not that long at all and he has already been in touch with recruiters etc so he is looking.

I just know from last time it has taken around 8 weeks to receive a job offer. He has around 4 weeks of pay from his last job. The UC he applied for covers his rent and leaves him with £5 afterwards. To me, it is quite urgent to find another means of temp income if you don't have savings to fall back on.

As far as I am aware, he does live quite frugally but has made the mistake of going a bit overboard with new commitments the last couple of months. Definitely a lesson to be learned by him.

OP posts:
paranoidnamechanger · 02/10/2023 11:34

I just don't understand the lack of urgency

It’s because he has his mum AND you supporting him. The man has no job and barely any savings - where do you think HE thinks the spending money for next months holiday is coming from?

CherryMaDeara · 02/10/2023 11:35

I wouldn’t feed him or give him kitten food money unless he gets a temporary or any job.

If a retail job is beneath him than so should be taking money from you.

Original poster
ellie09 · 02/10/2023 11:38

CherryMaDeara · 02/10/2023 11:35

I wouldn’t feed him or give him kitten food money unless he gets a temporary or any job.

If a retail job is beneath him than so should be taking money from you.

Edited

Yeah I think that's a healthy compromise.

I did suggest he rehome the kittens while they are still young but that didn't go down too well. Maybe something to consider many weeks ahead.

He bulk bought food for them for the next 6 months so it isn't needed in a hurry either.

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 02/10/2023 11:40

I'd give him a while to get the job search underway, but if he has no sign of anything in a month, I'd be worried if he wasn't prepared to do whatever was required.

Sundaefraise · 02/10/2023 11:41

Honestly, I think given that this happened on Thursday and its only Monday he is okay to take a minute and start applying for some jobs which are similar to what he already had. Fortunately you don't live together, so if it turns out that he does have a poor work ethic you will be forewarned before your finances become too entwined.

MyEyesMyThighs · 02/10/2023 11:43

I was ready, from your title, to say that YANBU and he needs to take anything going but on reading, I think you are getting carried away and need to take a step back.

He only found out on Thursday and you are already catastrophising rather than letting him apply for jobs and try to fix it himself. He is also looking at skilled jobs and 8 weeks is really not too bad a timeframe to job hunt, apply, the deadline to come, interview and be made an offer, so he is clearly not the hopeless case you are painting him to be. I think it is ridiculous that you have already got your mum involved in the drama when he has had one working day to process his news and start planning what to do next. I would also be unenthusiastic at you presenting such a "solution," straight away.

If, in a month, he is making no progress, then start offering encouragement and solutions but just now just support him when he wants to talk about it and let him get on with it.

Bored1000 · 02/10/2023 11:44

I also think he is not your child or your responsibility so stop worrying about him, he’s a big boy, I’m sure he’ll sort something out.
I would also not keep asking him what is he going to do as I think he would find that extremely annoying, I would.
I think you might be the type of person who catastrophizes

Original poster
ellie09 · 02/10/2023 11:46

Sundaefraise · 02/10/2023 11:41

Honestly, I think given that this happened on Thursday and its only Monday he is okay to take a minute and start applying for some jobs which are similar to what he already had. Fortunately you don't live together, so if it turns out that he does have a poor work ethic you will be forewarned before your finances become too entwined.

I've learned the hard way! I had a previous boyfriend move in over Covid when we weren't ready for it and our relationship really suffered for it and broke down. He was in debt and had an IVA at the time and I didn't see just how erratic his spending was until we lived together. But well rid now.

After that, I did learn to keep my house a safe sanctuary for me and my son and it will be staying that way. My current boyfriend is aware of this also and has been told I am not in a position to provide any physical cash to him, nor is there room in my house for his two kittens and himself (I am renovating and it is going to take a long time so son sleeps in my room)

OP posts:
Sunshinenrain · 02/10/2023 11:48

It’s only been 3 days.

I completely see where you’re coming from but if I was him I would be looking for jobs within my field for the first week and then looking for other work after that if I’m having no luck.

I think it’s weird that he won’t work at your mums business for a few days for some extra money though.

I also don’t understand how a single adult on £45k doesn’t have savings.

Maray1967 · 02/10/2023 11:54

He’s taken a rental property bigger than he needs and a car loan - before his probation ended. I’ve made it clear to my 23 year old that it is extremely foolish to do that and he’s listened.

He needs to get rid of the car, get any work he can find, and basically get moving.

ActDottie · 02/10/2023 11:55

I have no sympathy for people who wait for that “perfect” job when they’re unemployed! Even if it’s just for a few months to get some cash in just do it!

I have a friend like this who’s just quit her job with nothing lined up and when I asked her about other jobs she’s applied to nothing! Because she thinks the jobs out there are below her skill set and she’s get bored, but sometimes you have to go in at that lower grade to be able to progress within the organisation.

Original poster
ellie09 · 02/10/2023 11:58

Maray1967 · 02/10/2023 11:54

He’s taken a rental property bigger than he needs and a car loan - before his probation ended. I’ve made it clear to my 23 year old that it is extremely foolish to do that and he’s listened.

He needs to get rid of the car, get any work he can find, and basically get moving.

I think he rationalised to me that he needed his bedroom, a home office, then a spare room for when his family etc visits.

His rent is slightly lower than his previous tenancy (which was a 2 bed apartment). So he would have been in the same situation if he hadn't moved, but maybe entitled to more help, to be honest I am not sure what way it works as I haven't ever used the system.

I have a 3 bed also but a bedroom for me, a bedroom for my son and a home office. Upstairs is getting renovated though, so I only have one bedroom in use at the moment and spend most days at the office.

OP posts:
dontwanttobethatguy · 02/10/2023 12:01

He's only been out of work for one complete business day (last Friday). Give him a reasonable chance to look for something permanent. Like a week or two. After that, I'd agree that something is better than nothing, but it will take an adjustment and pride swallowing to get there, so be patient.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/10/2023 12:02

no offense, but working in a shop etc is a bit beneath him.

But not relying on you for holiday spending, cat food, cat boarding, dinners, petrol money etc...

I agree it's early days but I also agree with previous poster who said you'd jumped into saviour mode quite quickly.

You are kind-hearted and generous and that's not a bad thing, but you have a child to consider first and foremost. Maybe its best to let him find his feet and be more self-reliant before making any further offers. It's not your job to problem solve for him. That's ok in the short term but in the long term it could become problematic if it becomes the norm.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 02/10/2023 12:16

Your boyfriend might be reluctant to work for your mum because of the connection (what happens if you split up?) It would be interesting to know the detailed reasons why he failed the probationary period, but he's hardly likely to tell you the whole story.

itsmeafterall · 02/10/2023 12:19

I'm a bit 😳 that he's committed to a 3 bedroom house. Nuts.

Doesn't show a lot of common sense or sense of reality.

Agree with others for you to step back and let him sort it

Dramatico · 02/10/2023 12:21

Two red flags for me in your OP:

  1. Software engineers/IT are in short supply. If he's not getting snapped up quick, that implies that either he's not very good at the level he thinks he should be at, or he has an attitude issue in the workplace.
  2. Thinking he is above service, retail or manual labour. Personally I look much more favourably on applicants whose CVs show that they took lower paid jobs to make ends meet during lean times in their industry. In the years after the GFC I was seeing finance professionals who'd spent time waiting tables and stacking shelves to bring in cash until job openings in finance recovered. I was always FAR more eager to interview these individuals than the banking and broking professionals who'd just sat around for a year fiddling with their LinkedIn profiles and running their redundancy pay down.

This guy is entitled and lazy. If you carry him now, you'll be doing that for the rest of your relationship and it'll get worse too.

I can't stand people who think they're too good for work.

Flakjacketon · 02/10/2023 12:23

When my husband was made redundant with a minimal redundancy package, it took him 9 months to find another job with a similar level of pay. In the meantime he worked as a cleaner in a school and self employed gardener so he could contribute financially. I was working full time but my teacher's salary did not stretch far with 3 teenagers and big mortgage.

Several years later, when my Son in Law (SiL) was in a similar position he refused to do the same as it was beneath him. So my DD supported him entirely, funding his car, hobbies, holidays etc and ended up in severe debt.

Perhaps it is a generational thing.

My don't sub him too much, don't put yourself in financial difficulty because you feel sorry for him.

Dramatico · 02/10/2023 12:25

enchantedsquirrelwood · 02/10/2023 11:31

I do wish people would stop saying this. If you need to take eg a Christmas sales assistant job to keep a roof over your head this will NOT stop you getting a job in your normal field.

Needing to earn money to live is kind of necessary and any employer who thinks that it's a luxury is a prat and not worth working for anyway (and you'll probably find yourself in a similar situation a few months on).

Show quote history

No employer thinks this.

Absolutely none.