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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to look for ANY job?

119 replies

ellie09 · 02/10/2023 10:30

Hi all

My boyfriend got a bit of bad news on Thursday that we had lost his job after failing his probation. They cited underperformance but we have suspicions it is because of the recent lay offs.

It was a reasonably well paid job of around 45k per annum and in the last few months, he has just signed a new lease, got a new car and 2 new kittens.

I've told him I can help as much as I can, as we don't live together yet. He has had to sign on for UC in the meantime during his job search and what he is expected to receive is very much lower than what he is used to. I have told him to come to me during the week a few times for dinner, that if needs be, I will cover food etc for his kittens and help out with petrol if we are using his car. Unfortunately, I only earn c. 35k per annum and have my own house to run, a child and a dog and Christmas round the corner, so don't have much in the way of financial contribution.

We also have a holiday coming up in November, which thankfully, we have paid off but we will still need money for spending etc. I said if he still has no offer, I will cover his cats boarding for the week.

His savings are almost gone as he's paid out deposits for new rental, new car etc recently.

I suggested to him to go out and find ANY job in the meantime for some extra cash, as there will be lots of temporary Christmas jobs coming up. He still remains hopeful he will get something similar soon. However, when he got his last job, this took around 8 weeks for an offer. He has a full month of full pay, then nothing.

I reached out to my mum who owns a business and she's offered a couple of days work for some extra cash but he doesn't seem enthusiastic about it. He has said that no offense, but working in a shop etc is a bit beneath him.

AIBU to think that you should be trying anything in the interim to get some extra cash in and just swallow your pride a bit?

I know in this situation I would be petrified and going for anything and everything to ensure I had enough money in to cover me.

OP posts:
Testina · 02/10/2023 12:58

“My boyfriend told me a couple of months back that his manager told him they'd be extending his probation so they can improve some things, so he was shocked when this happened on Thursday. “

Shocked when he’d already been told he was under performing? 🤨

He’s not telling you the truth. As for “we” think it’s due to lay offs, what’s with the “we”. Ditto “we” lost the job… no you didn’t. Stop infantalising him and verbally weirdly slotting yourself into his affairs!
They don’t need to lie about his performance due to lay offs. They only have to say, “legally as a short term met, we don’t need to do xyz, we’re having to layoff, sorry - last in first out.”
Why would they waste their time making up extended probations and performance issues?

None of that makes him a bad person - maybe he worked hard but they recruited the wrong person.

But saying that “we” lost the job is just odd. Added to the rest of the way you infantilise him, you really need to step back.

And the comment about finances after children? That’s insultingly patronising. Nope. I left home at 16 and had a child at 36. 20 years where I didn’t have to push a baby out of my vagina to learn to make sensible fiscal decisions! Again, stop infantilising him!

JamSandle · 02/10/2023 12:58

I'd do the same as you suggested and work anything to keep some money rolling in.

donkra · 02/10/2023 12:59

Not being able to understand why you aren't getting promoted is a pretty classic flag for "your people skills are more of an issue than you think", tbh. It can also be a result of bad management, of course, but for a newly recruited software engineer to be let go after probation would be very unusual unless they turned out to be genuinely technically incompetent or had serious work ethic or people skills issues.

RaininSummer · 02/10/2023 13:00

Universal credit will expect him to to apply for anything he can do including agency work whilst seeking the dream job.

Lavender14 · 02/10/2023 13:01

I said yabu but only because he will need to do the maths and work out what pays more than being on uc full time and in receipt of the housing element. It could work out more cost effective for him to work part time for example just to top it up.

I'm guessing he's hopeful he will find something else soon but it's up to him. If he's not actively looking and isn't managing his bills I wouldn't be covering things for him and being the sticky plaster on his problems.

LimeCheesecake · 02/10/2023 13:02

OP, in the nicest possible way - it’s been less than 2 working days! Give him some time to a) come to terms with being told he wasn’t good enough, then b) work out what options he has.

you are his girlfriend not his partner, so you need to back off and just be a sympathetic ear. It’s not your job to fix this. He is an adult. Stop offering food and animal care and being all “this must be sorted right now!!!” Let him sort things his way in his time with zero input from you now.

watch and see how he copes. If you are a fixer, it’s bloody hard to back off and leave other people to do things their way (which is probably slower and not as sensible as your way!).

remember from now on when you talk to him, you only offer sympathy and no solutions.

Cola2023 · 02/10/2023 13:02

I would be the same as you. I've done min wage, short term reception and call centre work when stuck between higher paying (£50K+) contracts in the past.

I have a savings safety net but I'd always rather be earning and busy.

He can work during the day / night / weekends and apply around it.

Deathbyfluffy · 02/10/2023 13:03

XelaM · 02/10/2023 12:34

He can get a courier job like AmazonFlex or Yodel almost instantly if he drives.

This. I did this regularly between jobs, and my usual 'level' is middle to upper management.
Got to do what's needed to put food on the table! Luckily DW has a stable career, but I couldn't function knowing I didn't contribute to the house.

I miss my DPD baseball cap! 😊

Cola2023 · 02/10/2023 13:05

Jellycatspyjamas · 02/10/2023 10:39

I would think very carefully about how willing you to support him,if he won't accept jobs.

Absolutely this, it’s very bad luck for him but you can’t step in and fill the gap. Also don’t be suggesting he gets out of his lease and moves in with you - he needs to quickly stand on his own two feet however he chooses to do that.

He’s failed his probation period, which is a bit of a red flag - even with upcoming layoffs, companies tend to hold on to the workers they want to keep. How he handles this will tell you a lot about the man he is.

Splurging on the car, kittens etc is also a red flag. He should have waited until at least probation was over.

In the longer term, different approaches to money security might be an issue.

I'd not be going for any joint accounts.

VictorianChic · 02/10/2023 13:08

Classic case of a fella with delusions of grandeur.

Give him a few more weeks and if he’s still sponging off the state and you, get rid.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 02/10/2023 13:09

It was only last Thursday, I think you are being unreasonable expecting him to take any old job when he has only just started to look.

However I would be worried that he did not pass his probation and that he was asking for things like more WFH etc before passing probation. As PP said, he needs to get out there on LinkedIn, register with some agencies etc.

Cola2023 · 02/10/2023 13:10

ellie09 · 02/10/2023 10:47

He knows he won't be moving in with me as we are not ready, and also has a 12 month lease that doesn't end until next year.

I feel bad for his mum too, being a guarantor as I don't see this going well. He has a 3 bedroom house so its above his entitlement so he won't get much help there.

I just don't understand the lack of urgency. If it was me, I would be applying for professional jobs as well as something to tide me over temporarily (Tesco, cleaner, bar, cafe etc)

He lives alone but needs a 3 bedroom house?

Original poster
ellie09 · 02/10/2023 13:13

Cola2023 · 02/10/2023 13:10

He lives alone but needs a 3 bedroom house?

Show quote history

Not a need, but a want at the time

OP posts:
dejapoo · 02/10/2023 13:16

To me, it is quite urgent to find another means of temp income if you don't have savings to fall back on.

But you’re not him, are you. Why are you acting like you’re his mum, and his bank? Seriously, step back and focus on your child.

Persiana · 02/10/2023 13:17

Totally step back, don't pay for anything or pay extra for the holiday. You are not in a partnership yet, not sharing finances and not a team. You have a child who is part of your team. Don't let a new man take away resources from your child.
I'd check when you can cancel the holiday and if he hasn't done everything he can to contribute as planned, cancel. If he complains, that tells you everything you need to know.

sweetgingercat · 02/10/2023 13:23

Oh dear, it's beneath him to work in a shop but not beneath him to be subsidise by you. That doesn't sound good...

Original poster
ellie09 · 02/10/2023 13:23

Persiana · 02/10/2023 13:17

Totally step back, don't pay for anything or pay extra for the holiday. You are not in a partnership yet, not sharing finances and not a team. You have a child who is part of your team. Don't let a new man take away resources from your child.
I'd check when you can cancel the holiday and if he hasn't done everything he can to contribute as planned, cancel. If he complains, that tells you everything you need to know.

Oh I won't be leaving myself short in the slightest believe me!

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 02/10/2023 13:28

So many red flags...

Splashing out on a big house, a new car and kittens (which are a looooong term commitment!!) while he was still on probation in a new job.

Thinking that it's normal to sit around a fait bit in his line of work. WTF?

And seemingly not taking the warning he received from his manager that his probation was likely to be extended. He seems to have taken this as "okay, so I'll be on probation a little while longer - so what?" Whereas most normal people would have seen it for what it was, namely a clear warning that he would have to work a lot harder and better if he was to keep his job.

Plus the unpleasant comment about retail work being beneath him. Some more WTF...

All things considered I'd let this one go, @ellie09

Whichwhatnow · 02/10/2023 13:36

Yeah I agree OP. I'm a professional (lawyer) on a pretty good salary normally but when I lost my job during COVID I went straight to an agency and started a job packing stuff in a warehouse within the week. Was still able to send out CVs etc and have calls with recruiters during my lunch break and after work, plus as it was a casual job I could always take time off at short notice if I needed to do an interview or something.

My DH wasn't earning enough to cover our expenses and our savings had been depleted for various reasons so I did what was needed! I was there less than a month in the end as I got an offer for a job in law quite quickly. But it was fine. No job is 'beneath' anyone IMO.

I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if it's already been said but has your DP looked into consulting? Lots of the IT/software guys at the companies I've worked for are consultants on short term/project based contracts rather than employees and those kinds of roles often need people to start immediately so your DP would be in a good position.

Regardless though I would not be offering to cover expenses for someone you don't live with or share money with, and who is rejecting work available to him, especially when you have a child to consider!

Cowlover89 · 02/10/2023 13:49

Yanbu

Original poster
ellie09 · 02/10/2023 13:54

Whichwhatnow · 02/10/2023 13:36

Yeah I agree OP. I'm a professional (lawyer) on a pretty good salary normally but when I lost my job during COVID I went straight to an agency and started a job packing stuff in a warehouse within the week. Was still able to send out CVs etc and have calls with recruiters during my lunch break and after work, plus as it was a casual job I could always take time off at short notice if I needed to do an interview or something.

My DH wasn't earning enough to cover our expenses and our savings had been depleted for various reasons so I did what was needed! I was there less than a month in the end as I got an offer for a job in law quite quickly. But it was fine. No job is 'beneath' anyone IMO.

I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if it's already been said but has your DP looked into consulting? Lots of the IT/software guys at the companies I've worked for are consultants on short term/project based contracts rather than employees and those kinds of roles often need people to start immediately so your DP would be in a good position.

Regardless though I would not be offering to cover expenses for someone you don't live with or share money with, and who is rejecting work available to him, especially when you have a child to consider!

I'll mention the consultancy to him today to see if its an option!

He's got an appointment with a recruiter today so he certainly isn't messing around. I just know it can take a while to actually obtain a job in your field. I've explained this to him but he will maybe just need to see for himself.

I think its because in a way, we associate those jobs with our youth. E.g. I worked in a cafe when I was at school/uni, and I certainly wouldn't want to end up there again, but if I ended up losing my job, I'd certainly consider going back temporarily until I was sorted out.

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 02/10/2023 13:56

But OP - you are acting like this is down to you to fix, you are acting like this will effect you.

you’ve looked at benefits
you’ve offered to pay for cat food and cat kennels
you’ve asked your mum for a job for him
you’ve offered meals
you’ve convinced yourself he won’t get a job, any job unless he gets one this week

just stop! No thinking about how he’s going to cope and how you can help.

hes an adult and not one you are in any way responsible for. Which jobs he’s applying for is frankly none of your business.

LimeCheesecake · 02/10/2023 14:01

ellie09 · 02/10/2023 13:54

I'll mention the consultancy to him today to see if its an option!

He's got an appointment with a recruiter today so he certainly isn't messing around. I just know it can take a while to actually obtain a job in your field. I've explained this to him but he will maybe just need to see for himself.

I think its because in a way, we associate those jobs with our youth. E.g. I worked in a cafe when I was at school/uni, and I certainly wouldn't want to end up there again, but if I ended up losing my job, I'd certainly consider going back temporarily until I was sorted out.

Show quote history

No OP - don’t mention consulting to him!

stop !

he’s got an appointment with a recruiter today, so he’s not moping about doing nothing. His job search is not your job to manage in any way. If he asks for advice, then give it. Not before. Be supportive, but leave it to him.

you are his girlfriend not partner or wife. This is down to him.

Testina · 02/10/2023 14:03

@ellie09 would you consider searching your own username and seeing just how many posts you’ve made with boyfriend issues over this guy? Might be a wake up call.

Newestname002 · 02/10/2023 14:24

@ellie09

Has he considered renting out at least one of his extra bedrooms to a lodger? That would give him extra funds to manage whilst he's job hunting plus the ability to save and build a cash cushion for the future. I think the first £7500 per annum is tax exempt - he can check Gov.uk for further information.

Also I agree with previous posters - most of the effort should come from him and he needs to do whatever he needs to do to bring himself back into financial credit for the immediate and long term, including having the drive to pass further probationary periods.

Congratulations also on passing your own probation. 🌹