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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect him to look for ANY job?

119 replies

ellie09 · 02/10/2023 10:30

Hi all

My boyfriend got a bit of bad news on Thursday that we had lost his job after failing his probation. They cited underperformance but we have suspicions it is because of the recent lay offs.

It was a reasonably well paid job of around 45k per annum and in the last few months, he has just signed a new lease, got a new car and 2 new kittens.

I've told him I can help as much as I can, as we don't live together yet. He has had to sign on for UC in the meantime during his job search and what he is expected to receive is very much lower than what he is used to. I have told him to come to me during the week a few times for dinner, that if needs be, I will cover food etc for his kittens and help out with petrol if we are using his car. Unfortunately, I only earn c. 35k per annum and have my own house to run, a child and a dog and Christmas round the corner, so don't have much in the way of financial contribution.

We also have a holiday coming up in November, which thankfully, we have paid off but we will still need money for spending etc. I said if he still has no offer, I will cover his cats boarding for the week.

His savings are almost gone as he's paid out deposits for new rental, new car etc recently.

I suggested to him to go out and find ANY job in the meantime for some extra cash, as there will be lots of temporary Christmas jobs coming up. He still remains hopeful he will get something similar soon. However, when he got his last job, this took around 8 weeks for an offer. He has a full month of full pay, then nothing.

I reached out to my mum who owns a business and she's offered a couple of days work for some extra cash but he doesn't seem enthusiastic about it. He has said that no offense, but working in a shop etc is a bit beneath him.

AIBU to think that you should be trying anything in the interim to get some extra cash in and just swallow your pride a bit?

I know in this situation I would be petrified and going for anything and everything to ensure I had enough money in to cover me.

OP posts:

Original poster

ellie09 · 02/10/2023 14:57

He has just had a meeting with a recruiter and there's a few roles there they can send his CV for.

He had also mentioned to me that he may go for a role completely different to what he is doing now, such as in recruitment.

I can't say much because I completely changed my career path also a few months back.

Ill be taking a step back and letting him update me when there is news.

Thanks everyone!

Hopefully we can celebrate a new job and me passing my probation together soon!

OP posts:

Fahbeep · 02/10/2023 15:15

ellie09 · 02/10/2023 14:57

He has just had a meeting with a recruiter and there's a few roles there they can send his CV for.

He had also mentioned to me that he may go for a role completely different to what he is doing now, such as in recruitment.

I can't say much because I completely changed my career path also a few months back.

Ill be taking a step back and letting him update me when there is news.

Thanks everyone!

Hopefully we can celebrate a new job and me passing my probation together soon!

There you go then. Sounds like he is getting in with it, and maybe it was just a bit too soon to suggest part time work. Good luck!

momtoboys · 02/10/2023 15:19

I'm sorry if I missed this in the posts but how old are you and your partner, OP?

Original poster

ellie09 · 02/10/2023 15:22

momtoboys · 02/10/2023 15:19

I'm sorry if I missed this in the posts but how old are you and your partner, OP?

I'm 30 and boyfriend is 27, so he is slightly younger.

OP posts:

Testina · 02/10/2023 15:48

“He had also mentioned to me that he may go for a role completely different to what he is doing now, such as in recruitment.

I can't say much because I completely changed my career path also a few months back.”

This is such an odd thing for you to say!
Why would you “say much”? He’s just some guy you’re dating, what jobs he goes for is literally none of your business!

dejapoo · 02/10/2023 15:55

Testina · 02/10/2023 15:48

“He had also mentioned to me that he may go for a role completely different to what he is doing now, such as in recruitment.

I can't say much because I completely changed my career path also a few months back.”

This is such an odd thing for you to say!
Why would you “say much”? He’s just some guy you’re dating, what jobs he goes for is literally none of your business!

This!! It’s so weird.

dejapoo · 02/10/2023 15:59

You are extremely patronising in the way you talk about and to him.

Docke · 02/10/2023 19:19

This is one of those threads where I wonder how it would read if the sexes were reversed.

I’m a 30 year old man. My 27 year old girlfriend doesn’t live with me, nor do we share finances.

On Thursday she was told that she was being let go from her job due to not passing probation. Today is Monday and I’m very annoyed that she hasn’t yet found a job. She wants to seek jobs in her area of qualification and experience and she’s spoken to a recruiter today, and has also reached out to a contact with whom she previously worked but I’m annoyed that she won’t take on delivery work because we have a holiday coming up.

I spoke to my mother about her situation and we both agreed that she should work in mum’s shop two days a week but my girlfriend doesn’t want to do this.

I have spent the whole weekend lecturing her about what she should do, down to advising her to rehome her pets.

AIBU to expect my girlfriend to do exactly as I say?

Aprilx · 02/10/2023 19:23

I think as you don’t live with him and you don’t support him, you are being unreasonable. This is his issue, he has only just been made redundant and taking a lesser role could harm his CV. Obviously if it goes on and definitely if you find yourself being expected to support him then the answer is different, but at the moment, I think he is entitled to do things his way.

Millybob · 02/10/2023 19:25

No offence, but if he thinks shop work is beneath him, I'd leave him to feed his own cats and sort his own dinners.
Your spag bol is probably beneath him, too.

IslaWinds · 02/10/2023 19:25

YANBU in principle, but to work odd jobs could screw up his UC and make no, worse off. Cash in hand would be illegal too…

Luxell934 · 02/10/2023 19:44

Your acting like his mother, not his girlfriend.

EmpressaurusOfCats · 02/10/2023 19:57

I think once we have kids we are so much smarter with finances aren't we?!

No. There’s no way you can use that as an excuse for him, it’s a daft generalisation.

Caroparo52 · 02/10/2023 20:06

If in 2 weeks nothing positive has happened then offer to take on the kitten on and tell him to swing his hook. He could rent out the other 2 rooms

BlueSky2023 · 02/10/2023 20:12

OP, I think you are showing signs of being quite controlling and interfering,

Have you asked yourself why you are so worried about this situation, he hasn’t asked you for money and only lost his job a few days ago, yet you seem to think it is a monumental disaster also how do you handle stressful situations at work as I don’t think you are handling this well at all, you seem to have blown it out of all proportions in your head.

How or when this relatively young man finds a job is not something you should be loosing your head over,

RantyAnty · 02/10/2023 22:56

This is the guy who hurried up to find a job earlier this year in an attempt to outdo you? terrible in bed?

What are you still doing with this clod?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/10/2023 05:56

ellie09 · 02/10/2023 10:47

He knows he won't be moving in with me as we are not ready, and also has a 12 month lease that doesn't end until next year.

I feel bad for his mum too, being a guarantor as I don't see this going well. He has a 3 bedroom house so its above his entitlement so he won't get much help there.

I just don't understand the lack of urgency. If it was me, I would be applying for professional jobs as well as something to tide me over temporarily (Tesco, cleaner, bar, cafe etc)

So would I.

Op I had exactly this situation with my now ex - I had so much sympathy for him especially as it was during the pandemic so jobs were scarcer in his industry. I did let him move in with me and that was the beginning of the end of us (look at my username). Looking back now his attitude that only the higher level professional job would do (whilst being very comfortable being subsidized by me) is a big red flag. There were so many cash in hand ideas that I suggested to him he could be doing (I spent more effort thinking of ways for him to make cash than he did applying for jobs, and I had my own job to do!) and getting fired from the job he did get were big red flags. I know you love him and want to help but be very careful here and double up on the contraception - some guys in this situation Would get you pregnant to secure themselves a home.

Not that we should be problem solving for him but he should ask his landlord if he can sublet rooms to get a lodger. Why is his mum a guarantor when he had a job when he signed it?

jeaux90 · 03/10/2023 06:39

Feels like you have a parent child relationship with him rather than one of partnership and equity

Catdoorman · 25/01/2024 20:05

So working in a shop is beneath him, but taking your resources is not.

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