Husband family coming over for dinner but he forgets(?) to tell me in advance!

[Daisiesonthelawn]

My husband keeps doing this thing where he will tell me the day before that he spoke to his mum and a couple of days ago and they’re coming around for dinner tomorrow and expecting to eat with the children. Expectation is that I will cook for them all. My youngest is a baby a few months old as and I like to plan ahead so finding out I need to change dinner plans the night before to accommodate is really annoying! He also just let me know (not directly told me but I worked it out) this morning that our niece is coming too who’s a really picky eater. He doesn’t see the problem and it wouldn’t be if he was the one cooking and planning. He’s not even going to be back from work til after they’ve eaten!
he doesn’t mean to not tell me- he’s just very forgetful and has ADHD. But it’s so infuriating. I will need to get home earlier than planned this afternoon to make dinner, get extra groceries etc. I genuinely do love seeing them. But everyone expecting dinner etc at short notice is more tricky when I have a little baby to look after. I just want some forewarning and maybe be included in planning?!

...sorry, pressed 'post' too soon
Both times I wasn't given enough notice to even run to the shops and grab something: first time- half an hour (guests had tea and nothing else, as we had literally nothing in the house), second time- an hour. An hour at least gave me enough time to leave the house altogether :)

Tell him you’re already out with the kids and he’ll have to deal with them all.

Yes but he should be the one to cancel. Not OP. He needs to phone and cancel because he forgot to tell you and didn't realise you had other plans.

if you want to be charitable to him and his Adhd, ask him to go and buy some ready meals from COOK that suit his family and niece's special diet and stick them in the freezer for the next impromptu arrival. but it's his job to keep this supply topped up.

That is unacceptable. He needs to make arrangements to host himself. ADHD is no excuse.
Nothing will change if you keep accomodating this behaviour.
Please give a gift to your future self, and stop!

I know lots of people are saying call from
work saying you’re going to be late, but even if OP is on maternity leave or a SAHM, she shouldn’t accommodate this.

It’s disrespectful to assume a SAHM can just whip up dinner for guests with little notice.

I feel your pain and don't let anyone tell you that you'll laugh about it one day, 40 years later and I'm still not laughing.

Oh, come on! About 48 years ago we were living abriad and had a fairly loose arrangement with a couple of friends re getting together and on the Monday I told OH to invite them for dinner on the Friday, he worked with them both. I too worked full time and on the Friday as I was preparing the meal he suddenly decided to run out to get more wine. He was totally breathless when he got back but we had a pleasant evening. A couple of years later, as we were all preparing to leave and the couple suddenly started laughing and said to him You can't get away with it any longer! Apparently he hadn't invited them and his run out 'to get more wine' was to run up a very steep hill to their flat, climb 3 flights of stairs and collapse begging them to come to dinner 'or she'll kill me'. As they said they weren't quick enough to say No, we're already going to dinner. It is now part of our family lore and, yes, we have laughed about it many times.

But that’s an entirely different situation.

YOU asked HIM to invite them!

OP, why are you enabling this behaviour ? ADHD isn’t an excuse or even a reason for him to behave like this. He may well genuinely forget, but that’s because he doesn’t attach any importance to remembering and is taking it for granted that you’ll fix things for him. And to be fair, that’s exactly what you’re doing. If he behaved like this at work he wouldn’t be holding down a job. Stop running around trying to make things OK and make him responsible for the consequences. Forgetting to tell you = he either explains to them what’s happened and puts them off, or he hosts them and does everything himself.

Hi, I’m in my 30s and have ADHD myself, so I know it’s real. But I also know that there is a lot of chat on MN around people doubting diagnoses, saying ‘people just watch too much TikTok’ and ‘it’s just an excuse’.

I also know that people love to create posts to get a froth going, and ADHD is currently one of those topics that creates a right froth, adding to the stigma of having ADHD. I stand by my comment, people believe everything written on mumsnet the internet.

Yes! She’s got a baby a few months old and posters are suggesting she says “sorry” and feeds them fish fingers. At that stage I couldn’t speak human and had the baby in the sling so the oven was a no-go zone.

(But even if she were a lady of leisure she still shouldn’t have to accommodate last-minute hosting, unless that’s the express agreement she has with her DH. Which it clearly isn’t.)

can younot forget that he told you? show them kitchen and they can sort themselves out or better still dont be home

Serve everyone Rusks, saying "This is what I prepare on weekday evenings"!

Make it clear. Very clear. Like this:

'If you do that to me again I'm going to ring your mother and tell her not to come because AGAIN you've only just told me they are coming.
OR I'm going to leave the house before they arrive and then you explain to them why there's no-one here and no dinner. Am I making it clear, could you repeat back to me what you think I've just said to you?'

Absolutely this.

My DH has some sort of undiagnosed executive functioning issue or ADHD, is learning to plan ahead etc and doesn't even claim he's got it let alone use it as some get-out-jail card.

To the OP, i'd be out tomorrow.

Not really sure what you’re trying to say here. I don’t think anyone is doubting the reality of ADHD or the diagnosis that OP’s husband has. What is being questioned is why this is happening repeatedly, because he doesn’t seem to be engaging at all with trying to find a solution. The OP doesn’t say whether he works, but if we assume he does, then presumably he has coping strategies at work. That would indicate that he doesn’t attach much importance to remembering to tell the OP when he has made these arrangements because he knows she will bail him out every time. That’s not down to ADHD, that’s just bad manners.

I’ve said it several times so no point saying it again.

Certain types of posts get lots of people going, ‘selfish’ neurodivergents an and ‘entitled’ in-laws near the top of the list. This post has both of them. All I’m saying is I take these types of posts as with a pinch of salt 😇

Whoops! You forgot to tell him you're heading out this evening for a long walk, didn't you? You'll be out for at least two hours.

He'll enjoy entertaining his family, right? He knows how much they love to see him. He'll be fine taking care of the children and cooking/ knows where the fridge and stove are located/ there's bound to be something in the kitchen that he could cook for everyone...

Walk out and leave him to it. He can stew in the consequences of his own rudeness and lack of respect for you.

This is a DH problem and you'll have to nip it now or it will be forever this way.

He treating you more like a servant.
Let me guess, you work, do all the shopping, cooking, housework, childcare and he works and does what the feels like doing at any time.

Did MIL coddle him and wait on him growing up?

Stop pandering to your DH’s chaos. It’s for him to deal with. Don’t message MIL slagging off her son and his chaos either, that won’t go down well.

Just tell him if he invites anyone for dinner he cooks for them, end of conversation.

You need to use words like "your son sprang this on me. Again. It is not convenient for me ro rush around organizing food. Bring pizza - let me know 10minutes before you arrive so I can organisé napkins and drinks. See you later"

Why are you complaining? You know he has ADHD. "He doesn’t see the problem." If you've explained it to him, and he can't grasp why this is an issue, then you've got serious problems.

I only ever said yes if I knew I could feed them (I always could because I'm a planner). But if it hadn't suited me? I'd say no

Interesting. What you seem to be saying is that if you have ADHD it’s fine to be a selfish arse ? My DH has ADHD and after his divorce he lived alone for a long time, which meant he could please himself what he did and when. So when we first lived together he would make arrangements for friends to visit, or for us to go out with other couples, and not check with me first - not that he didn’t tell me about it, just that he’d been so used to his own autonomy that he didn’t think to involve me before he committed us to arrangements. I ended up feeling like my home was not my own because there always seemed to be people visiting - mostly his friends.

I said nothing for a little while, whilst I thought about how to handle it - until the day I overheard him on the phone to his adult son, who was staying with his mum (DH’s ex) at the time. They’d had a row and he was complaining to DH about the way she was treating him. DH’s end of the conversation went something like “well if you’re having a hard time, just pack your bags and come here, you can stay ‘til you’re sorted out”. That was the last straw. My elderly mum lives with us - she has dementia. We have no spare room and his son would have had to sleep on the couch. It would have been chaos. I sat him down and explained how inconsiderate he was being and how he was making me feel. He understood immediately and apologised - problem solved. Nothing to do with his ADHD diagnosis, just inconsiderate.

@Antst Reported for ableism. ADHD and Autism are very real conditions recognised by & treated by the NHS. My relative has their life plagued by Autism and struggles every day. How fucking dare you