Husband family coming over for dinner but he forgets(?) to tell me in advance!

[Daisiesonthelawn]

My husband keeps doing this thing where he will tell me the day before that he spoke to his mum and a couple of days ago and they’re coming around for dinner tomorrow and expecting to eat with the children. Expectation is that I will cook for them all. My youngest is a baby a few months old as and I like to plan ahead so finding out I need to change dinner plans the night before to accommodate is really annoying! He also just let me know (not directly told me but I worked it out) this morning that our niece is coming too who’s a really picky eater. He doesn’t see the problem and it wouldn’t be if he was the one cooking and planning. He’s not even going to be back from work til after they’ve eaten!
he doesn’t mean to not tell me- he’s just very forgetful and has ADHD. But it’s so infuriating. I will need to get home earlier than planned this afternoon to make dinner, get extra groceries etc. I genuinely do love seeing them. But everyone expecting dinner etc at short notice is more tricky when I have a little baby to look after. I just want some forewarning and maybe be included in planning?!

I'd be comfortable betting a week's pay they're real. ADHD and other issues weren't on my radar at all before I returned to the UK after years overseas. I hadn't been back a week before it occurred to me that around 10 people I had met had told me about their issues within a day or two of our meeting each other and had used them to make excuses.

If you haven't encountered this, maybe you're older? I'm guessing that older people might be less inclined to behave this way because of having been raised in different times. Or maybe you're not around privileged people. I often think, when being served by low-paid kids at cafes they have a lot to put up with and probably don't get much understanding. I contrast them with people at my work. I assure you this kind of thing is real.

@Daisiesonthelawn - "If you always do what you've always done then you'll always get what you always got".

You have to change your reaction -
Don't facilitate his hospitality.

You do though.

He must consider you when inviting someone over.

A couple of years time and DC ask you as you pick them up from school if Sally and Johnny can come for tea. Would it be such a big deal then?

It annoying he hasn't told you, but you understand why that happens. Presumably he contributes in other ways and there's a reason(s) you want him around, so work around it or arrange for MIL to communicate directly with you.

Op, do you truly believe he doesn't understand. Really?? I think he knows exactly what he's doing.

"A couple of years time and DC ask you as you pick them up from school if Sally and Johnny can come for tea".

Sure enough anybody would just answer "sorry, no, it's a school night and I didn't plan for it, maybe we can invite him/her/them another night".

That's not my experience. Almost all my DC's "playdates" were organised last minute like that.

He can perfectly understand that he tends to be forgetful and has to send a message straight away every time he plans something with his parents.

That is a very basic low task a grown ass man should be able to achieve. Every time.

I have ADHD and I am getting slightly frustrated of people diagnosing themselves with and using it as an excuse to suck, basically.

Why would you keep playing a game that you cannot win? A sexist, patronising, infuriating game designed with you as the loser?

If you rush and turn out the perfect dinner...no one will be impressed. Everyone will take it for granted that you always turn out a nice meal. They'll say thank you and compliment the cooking. But no biggie. No one will give you bonus points for the stress and rush and irritation. It's a martyr move.

Stop doing this. Unless you are really driven to be the Ideal 1950s Housewife, you need to demand change.

Tell him to either cancel or provide dinner for his family himself. Those are the only 2 options.

If they show up anyway, you simply shrug, make them a cup of tea and say you and dc have already eaten. It is neither ylur job or your obligation to feed them.

If they turn this on you, as they seem to have done in the past, please recognise this as the blatant sexism that it is. And ask yourself why you would allow yourself to be repeatedly cast in this role.

you're going for tea at a friend's house!

Apologise for "forgetting" to tell him.

When was that? Because in the last 10 years, I have never experienced it (nor seen anyone do that) and I did a lot of playdates. With after school activities and busy life, no, playdates were never organised last minute after school and if we met kids at the playground they went back to their home to eat.

You're telling your husband that its not acceptable but your actions are showing that it's acceptable.

Options are:
Carry on as you are

Make it your husband's problem. Oh great, you're finishing work early then to host them! What are you cooking? Or tell him that's fine but you already had plans and will be continuing with those plans

Accept he is shit at this, tell your in laws you love seeing them but husband keeps arranging and forgetting to tell you which makes everything frantic in the run up to their visits. And suggest that they contact you to sort it

I have to say though your husband is being a shit. Accidentally forgetting is totally understandable if he has adhd. Leaving it to you to sort out and expecting you to host at very short notice is not adhd related, its not-giving-a-shit-about-you related

I came to say exactly this

"He doesn’t see the problem and it wouldn’t be if he was the one cooking and planning. He’s not even going to be back from work til after they’ve eaten!"
Well there's your answer! He leaves work early, shops, and cooks the meal. Sorted. No ifs, no buts. He made this problem, he fixes it.

"Ive made very clear with my husband that this isn’t okay to do. (Multiple times). We’re definitely still working on understanding in this area."
No, WE are not working on it, only YOU. Only you.

There's a saying that 'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always go.' So it's time for you to change 'what you've always done' in order to change what you're going to get in the future.

What you have always done, is picked up his slack and smoothed it all out. STOP IT! You need to let it go tits-up this time. I would either tell the in-laws/niece that they can't come round -or- order takeaway -or- he gets his finger out and comes home early to sort out his mess.

And your in-laws are being very unreasonable here. They raised him, presumably they know him and they know that he has caused the problem here, so them getting sniffy with you is totally out of order.

Stop making it your problem, it’s your H’s.

Absolutely. Either this or it's fishfingers with peas and potatoes out of the freezer.

And then make it clear that this is the last time, and if he springs this on you again, you will not be catering - it'll be HIS responsibility.

Why is he inviting them over for when he's not there?!

I mean this nicely: You're a fool for going along with it, and it won't change while you do.

Will it make things more awkward or difficult for you in the short term? Probably, yes .But it will make things easier for you in the long term, and you will reap the rewards for years to come. Short term pain long term gain and all that.

Try:

"Oh I'm sorry to say that I don't have a suitable meal planned nor suitable food in the house for DN. You can either order some to be delivered for a suitable time and let me know, call them to rearrange, or call them to tell them to bring a takeaway or something. Let me know when you've done it."

If he tried to put labour back on you by asking you what DN eats, shrug and tell him to ask DN. If he refuses or doesn't let you know within a reasonable time frame? Then you take your kids out to feed the ducks, to a coffee shop or the park, and make sure you're not in when MIL and DN will arrive. Put your phone on silent and take your time. When you get back or eventually decide to answer your phone, feign complete surprise - DH told you about it this morning but sadly you and your children already had plans for this evening so you told him that he would need to entertain them, isn't he back yet?

I found out at the grand age of 39 that I have ADHD. I found out because there's a lot of awareness about ADHD around at the moment, which is why people are talking about it and explaining that it may be a factor in somebody's behaviour. As another poster says, I don't use it as an excuse, and I beat myself up daily for finding stuff hard that other people seem to just get on and do. In this case the person who has ADHD isn't using it to explain or justify their own behaviour either, so maybe everybody can just chill out a little on that score.

Yep. I literally stopped lifting a finger when dh's family came to stay because i was so shattered from all the extra work while he did nothing except go to Majestic to buy some wine for them all to sit around drinking while i slaved over the stove. So one time I just didn't do anything. He asked if the beds were made up. No. The towels washed. No. The rooms aired dusted and hoovered, toys put away. No. The extra food and special dietary requirements shopped for. No. Or cooked. No. The bathroom cleaned. No? I let him do it all. Then he realised.

DH did this to me twice. After the second time, when I have left the house earlier than guests arrived and they had to wait outside for Dh to get back from work for an hour, it didn't happen for over 3 years now. DH learned the hard way!

Next time he does this just cancel. Tell the ILs that unfortunately DH forgot to check with you and you aren't available, sorry, he will soon stop doing it. I can't believe he's made plans for you with his family without telling you and he's not even going to be there! Unacceptable

I would be late at work.

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You are what OP needs to channel!

Just call from work saying sorry gonna be late. Emergency came up. You'll need to sort dinner.

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And you too!

Never justify or explain yourself to anyone, including DH and the in laws.

Do this.
Or work late and 'forget' and have your phone off.

Do not enable this. Let it fail around him.