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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to go to the wedding?

121 replies

PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 07:06

Bit of background so as not to drip feed; DH and his brother had a terrible relationship as teens but are much closer now, they socialise once a month or so and I have a good relationship with BiL. I was very close to his ex, she was a bridesmaid at our wedding and doting auntie to our kids, we haven’t seen each other in person for a few years now but still speak on social media.
BiL split with his ex after she caught him cheating with the woman he is now with. She found out in (in my opinion) one of the worst ways, as she found an earring in their bed that belonged to the other woman.
Fast forward 3 years and BiL is now engaged to said woman and getting married early next year. I’ve made an awful lot of effort to get to know FSiL and to have a good relationship, but she’s quite… difficult. (Other family members including MiL have also said this, so not just me.) She’s very hot and cold; she can be very chatty and friendly one day and then totally blank someone the next; a prime example is at our DD’s birthday party earlier this year she spoke not a single word to me or my parents despite it being held at their house and our attempts to engage her in conversation, yet the week before we went to a concert together with partners and she was very chatty. When they got engaged we found out that they had gone out for a meal and drinks to celebrate with her sisters and friends, but we hadn’t been invited as “they didn’t think we’d be able to sort a sitter.” BiL looked very sheepish when we found out and it did upset me. I’ve now found out that I haven’t been invited to the hen party (DH has been invited on the stag but won’t be going as it’s abroad, he has made separate arrangements with BiL and FiL) and it’s made me feel quite upset, and like I don’t want to attend the wedding. I know I’m probably BU, but I’m really quite hurt. Would you feel the same?

OP posts:
Tiredchicken · 02/10/2023 07:10

Why are you upset about not being invited to the hen do/engagement drinks? You don’t really like her and you understandably have an issue with how her and your BIL got together…
you’re not going to be BFFs…

id be relieved you don’t need to make excuses to go for a hen do with all her friends!

HOWEVER he is still your BIL so to not go to the wedding will cause a massive issue in the family.
does your OH want to go to the wedding? If so I would say you need to suck it up!

Pizzalover46 · 02/10/2023 07:11

She just sounds all together strange/rude. Personally, I would make an excuse not to attend, and your partner/kids go with him on his own (assuming he'll definitely be going).

I'd find it quite irritating having to be there with a fake smile plastered on my face and clock watching until I could go home.

Twatdog · 02/10/2023 07:14

It's not just her wedding, it's your BILs too.
I wouldn't make any effort with her in particular going forward, just be nice at family get together etc. I'd be relieved I didn't have to go on the hen.

Original poster
PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 07:15

To add the wedding is in another city three and a half hours drive away and would involve a two night hotel stay for all five of us, so it’s quite an effort and costly as well.

OP posts:
CharliesAngels81 · 02/10/2023 07:15

Is it worth putting the extra strain that would inevitably occur with your relationship with your DHs family? Remember Time is a healer , I would just go and get on with it.

Original poster
PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 07:17

Tiredchicken · 02/10/2023 07:10

Why are you upset about not being invited to the hen do/engagement drinks? You don’t really like her and you understandably have an issue with how her and your BIL got together…
you’re not going to be BFFs…

id be relieved you don’t need to make excuses to go for a hen do with all her friends!

HOWEVER he is still your BIL so to not go to the wedding will cause a massive issue in the family.
does your OH want to go to the wedding? If so I would say you need to suck it up!

I haven’t said I don’t like her. Initially I did feel quite resentful around how they got together, but I never let this show, in fact I made a real effort to try to get to know her.

OP posts:
headhurtstoomuch · 02/10/2023 07:20

PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 07:15

To add the wedding is in another city three and a half hours drive away and would involve a two night hotel stay for all five of us, so it’s quite an effort and costly as well.

So stay home and send DH. It's his brother.

You feel close enough to your family that you'd host your child's party there but your DH shouldn't try having a close relationship with his? Bizarre.

KookyAndSpooky · 02/10/2023 07:27

I don't understand why you're keen to be close to her. Why? I'd be happy to have an amicable but distant relationship with a FSIL under these circumstances.

I'm not saying I would hold a grudge but when people show you who they are through actions, believe them. There is nothing to gain from causing a stir by not attending the wedding. Stop trying to be close to someone that frankly isn't very nice.

Do you struggle to make friends in general? I'm wondering if this is coming from a place of loneliness.

Original poster
PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 07:28

headhurtstoomuch · 02/10/2023 07:20

So stay home and send DH. It's his brother.

You feel close enough to your family that you'd host your child's party there but your DH shouldn't try having a close relationship with his? Bizarre.

Show quote history

I wish they did have a closer relationship, I’m very close to my family and I really like all of DH’s family, especially MiL, but he’s not a particularly family oriented person. In context of the wedding, all I meant was that she’s made me feel very much like I/we don’t matter, so why should I make so much effort to attend her wedding? I’m aware this is unreasonable/petty, but I feel very hurt, and I’m just wanting to get some insight into whether others would feel the same way.

OP posts:
Twatdog · 02/10/2023 07:29

PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 07:15

To add the wedding is in another city three and a half hours drive away and would involve a two night hotel stay for all five of us, so it’s quite an effort and costly as well.

Surely it would still cost, unless you're planning on stopping your children from attending their aunt and uncles wedding?

eish · 02/10/2023 07:30

There is no rule about inviting family to hen dos. She has told you she sees you as a SIL not as a friend, so I would treat her the same, respectfully but not as someone close. Plenty of people have that kind of relationship. I would go to the wedding as it is the main event and I wouldn’t want to be petty.

it means in the future you don’t have to include them when you don’t want to (eg your 40th birthday but they would come to DH’s). I’d say it is a win win situation!

Original poster
PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 07:31

KookyAndSpooky · 02/10/2023 07:27

I don't understand why you're keen to be close to her. Why? I'd be happy to have an amicable but distant relationship with a FSIL under these circumstances.

I'm not saying I would hold a grudge but when people show you who they are through actions, believe them. There is nothing to gain from causing a stir by not attending the wedding. Stop trying to be close to someone that frankly isn't very nice.

Do you struggle to make friends in general? I'm wondering if this is coming from a place of loneliness.

No not at all, I have a good circle of close friends. I suppose I’ve just never had a ‘SiL’ (two previous long term relationships before DH and then BiL’s ex) that I wasn’t good friends with. She’s just not even amicable at times. DH actually went on a bit of a rant yesterday saying “we all know she’s rude and a snob” so it’s clearly something he feels too.

OP posts:
Torganer · 02/10/2023 07:32

Why does a 3.5hr drive necessitate a 2 day stay? If the wedding is very early (most weddings now start at 12 earliest, most I’ve been to have been later), dive down the night before and just drive back in the evening, the children can sleep in the car on the way back.

I don’t understand why you would be invited to the hen do, you’re not friends. Sounds like you wouldn’t want to go anyway. If you don’t want to go, don’t, but it’s literally one day of your life for a family celebration.

Inertia · 02/10/2023 07:32

You have the perfect excuse - you couldn’t get a babysitter.

Just send DH.

Original poster
PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 07:34

Twatdog · 02/10/2023 07:29

Surely it would still cost, unless you're planning on stopping your children from attending their aunt and uncles wedding?

Show quote history

Not stopping them no, but DH would drive back with them that night so only one night stay before the wedding. (No choice on that one as it’s an 8am ceremony with an evening reception)

OP posts:
Tiredchicken · 02/10/2023 07:34

You say you’ve hidden how you feel about her.
but do you actually like her?

hen dos are for friends not family ime.
i didn’t go to any of my SIL hen Dos but get on fine with them.

i think you’re judging this off your previous closeness to your ex SIL.
its actually quite normal to not be close friends with a Sil.

Original poster
PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 07:35

Torganer · 02/10/2023 07:32

Why does a 3.5hr drive necessitate a 2 day stay? If the wedding is very early (most weddings now start at 12 earliest, most I’ve been to have been later), dive down the night before and just drive back in the evening, the children can sleep in the car on the way back.

I don’t understand why you would be invited to the hen do, you’re not friends. Sounds like you wouldn’t want to go anyway. If you don’t want to go, don’t, but it’s literally one day of your life for a family celebration.

They are having the wedding at a tourist attraction that opens during the day. The ceremony is at 8am, followed by a champagne breakfast. Then we’re “free to sightsee” in the day, and the evening reception starts at 7pm.

OP posts:
Original poster
PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 07:37

Tiredchicken · 02/10/2023 07:34

You say you’ve hidden how you feel about her.
but do you actually like her?

hen dos are for friends not family ime.
i didn’t go to any of my SIL hen Dos but get on fine with them.

i think you’re judging this off your previous closeness to your ex SIL.
its actually quite normal to not be close friends with a Sil.

When she’s being friendly we get on very well, and have a lot of similar interests, so yes. I Just find her behaviour odd. At first I assumed she was shy, but it’s certainly not that.

OP posts:
Rocknrollstar · 02/10/2023 07:39

It’s family. Why not go and enjoy the day with your DH and DC? She will be too busy to talk to you and you can just have a good time and enjoy the party later on.

gotomomo · 02/10/2023 07:39

Is the tourist attraction somewhere you would want to visit? Make it into a weekend break or all drive back that evening? I don't understand why you have to stay an extra night if you all are there but not if you dh take the kids alone? Honestly I would go for the sake of future relations, hens don't always involve the groom's family and the big events are new anyway, I certainly didn't go to my sil's despite being close and I wouldn't have one for a second wedding

JasmineButtercup · 02/10/2023 07:41

The chatty/quiet thing could be a sign that she’s actually very introverted and sometimes manages to mask at social events and other times doesn’t. Or she could have health issues (painful periods etc). I wouldn’t hold that against her.

IaskUanswer · 02/10/2023 07:43

Off topic, but how many celebrations does one couple need?
The engagement party, hens/stags AND a wedding?!?

Anyway, would you actually even want to go or is this more FOMO?
Doesn’t sound like you lile her very much…

“we all know she’s rude and a snob”

I wouldn’t want to be around either tbf.
I think the problem is this, you all view her like this, of course she is going to sense that and doing her best to navigate around you.
So, why WOULD she WANT you to come to her hen’s and whatnots.

Original poster
PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 07:45

gotomomo · 02/10/2023 07:39

Is the tourist attraction somewhere you would want to visit? Make it into a weekend break or all drive back that evening? I don't understand why you have to stay an extra night if you all are there but not if you dh take the kids alone? Honestly I would go for the sake of future relations, hens don't always involve the groom's family and the big events are new anyway, I certainly didn't go to my sil's despite being close and I wouldn't have one for a second wedding

It’s somewhere we would enjoy seeing but have never had any burning desire to go, iyswim. I gave a health condition that means I’d struggle with a 3.5 hour journey after a long day so we would stay over the evening of if I went.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 02/10/2023 07:45

My husband’s has a younger brother who got married about five or six years after we did. It would not occur to me that I would be invited out with hire sisters and friends or even to her hen night, as she is not my friend, our (now) husbands are brothers.

However if I had not attended the wedding, I think that would have been a huge snub to all of my in-laws. You really need to go to the wedding.

Original poster
PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 07:47

JasmineButtercup · 02/10/2023 07:41

The chatty/quiet thing could be a sign that she’s actually very introverted and sometimes manages to mask at social events and other times doesn’t. Or she could have health issues (painful periods etc). I wouldn’t hold that against her.

I’ve considered that before, but ruled it out this summer when she was talking and laughing with BiL, but when MiL approached to talk to them she completely blanked her and walked away mid conversation.

OP posts:
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