To not want to go to the wedding?

[PushedOut99]

Bit of background so as not to drip feed; DH and his brother had a terrible relationship as teens but are much closer now, they socialise once a month or so and I have a good relationship with BiL. I was very close to his ex, she was a bridesmaid at our wedding and doting auntie to our kids, we haven’t seen each other in person for a few years now but still speak on social media.
BiL split with his ex after she caught him cheating with the woman he is now with. She found out in (in my opinion) one of the worst ways, as she found an earring in their bed that belonged to the other woman.
Fast forward 3 years and BiL is now engaged to said woman and getting married early next year. I’ve made an awful lot of effort to get to know FSiL and to have a good relationship, but she’s quite… difficult. (Other family members including MiL have also said this, so not just me.) She’s very hot and cold; she can be very chatty and friendly one day and then totally blank someone the next; a prime example is at our DD’s birthday party earlier this year she spoke not a single word to me or my parents despite it being held at their house and our attempts to engage her in conversation, yet the week before we went to a concert together with partners and she was very chatty. When they got engaged we found out that they had gone out for a meal and drinks to celebrate with her sisters and friends, but we hadn’t been invited as “they didn’t think we’d be able to sort a sitter.” BiL looked very sheepish when we found out and it did upset me. I’ve now found out that I haven’t been invited to the hen party (DH has been invited on the stag but won’t be going as it’s abroad, he has made separate arrangements with BiL and FiL) and it’s made me feel quite upset, and like I don’t want to attend the wedding. I know I’m probably BU, but I’m really quite hurt. Would you feel the same?

He’s told me it’s totally my choice whether I go but he’d be disappointed if he goes alone.

That's your answer, surely? Your husband wants your support at a family event - that's marriage, you do it.

I’d be quite surprised if she knows I’m still friendly with his ex. Ex SiL left for another job shortly after they split and she isn’t on any social media so FSiL wouldn’t be able to see we’re friends on that. I’m very careful not to mention her around her as well. I admit I did judge both of them at the start, but I didn’t express that to them as the reality is it’s none of my business who he sleeps with or under what circumstances, however morally repugnant I found his behaviour. When she moved in with him and it became clear it was serious I was nothing other than welcoming and friendly with her.

I am married to DH who has 2 brothers.

I cannot stress this enough that they are ALL shit at organising / inviting their fellow brothers to events & dinners. They all get on fine together. If events do happen it's usually because the wives have got involved.

The 2 men involved (your DB & BIL) sound as equally inept at inviting family as my DH's lot.

For instance we see my family more than his family, even though they live 150 miles closer, because they just don't organise stuff.

You either have to make your peace with this or organise events yourself.

If you don't go to this wedding, it is something that can never be undone. I really think you need to think of the longer term relationship here. Yes, the wedding has really mad timings and you might have to stay over for 2 nights but if you don't, I think both you and your DH are sending a clear 'Up Yours!' message to your BIL & SIL

The ceremony starts at 8am? Wow, I've never heard of one starting that early.

She sounds a real pita. In future mirror her. See where she is on the hot/cold barometer and be exactly the same.

I invited my DH sisters to my hen and DH invited his sisters husbands. Never occurred to either of us that he should invite my sisters husband- it just seems that extra step removed.

The wedding sounds really inconvenient but I have been to a dinner at the Roman Baths and it was a really great venue so I think it will be fun. Go back to the hotel and rest a bit during the day.

I wouldn't refuse to go to a wedding just because one of the people getting married was a bit difficult, and I certainly wouldn't feel entitled to a hen night invitation from a bride just because I was related by marriage to the groom. The bride does sound quite a difficult character, but you don't have to best pals just because she's marrying your husband's brother.

My brother's ex-wife was extremely difficult and we would never have chosen to spend time together for any reason other than a family get together to which were both invited, but I wouldn't have refused to go to my brother's wedding on those grounds. I just don't feel that's how weddings work.

wouldn't bother going, BiL will probably cheat on her too given his form so it will all be over in a bit anyway

oh sorry just saw husband keen for you to go - in that case maybe suck it up

Get her some ear-rings as a wedding present!

Jesus Christ there is nothing "lovely" about an 8am ceremony! What on earth are they thinking. Presumably that was the cheap slot, but still. Just say it's too flippin' early and you like your morning cuppa. This woman sounds batshit anyway, and morally bankrupt. I give it a year.

8am ceremony sounds horrific I'd be yawning my way through it !

Re: making things worse with MiL. I imagine not going would actually make things better. Can't imagine MiL has a good relationship with this woman or is thrilled about the wedding from what OP says about how she has behaved towards her. She just sounds like a wrong'un. And let's face it nobody with any humanity would have an 8am wedding

Go to the wedding as your DH's other half and to be there for BiL and his family. Stay cool, you won't need to interact with the bride much. Then in future, reduce contact with her. Just be polite but no need to socialise much - your DH and his DB can do that together, not necessarily in couples, just now and then with larger family groups. Hope you stay friends with the ex.

Go, but go in your pyjamas, with rollers in your hair.

‘The all day wedding at the Roman baths sounds simultaneously batshit, self-indulgent, and potentially rather fun.’

But they aren’t at the Baths all day. They are crammed in at the beginning before it opens, then they get kicked out when the paying public arrive. Then they hang around ‘sight seeing’ until they are allowed back in. Let’s hope the Registrar isn’t held up in traffic or the entire construction will fall down in Ruins.
there are all sorts of puns about steam and hot water to be had. Not so many about Sulis, Goddess of the hot spring, who was equated by the Romans with Minerva, Goddess of Wisdom.

I Hope you have a nice time, OP.

I wouldn't have been expecting an invitation to the hen party either....

Possibly, being charitable, she didn't want to put you in an awkward position as you are still friendly with the ex wife (even if just on SM).

But you have to go to the wedding....sorry, but you do.

Mate you've over egged it with the 8am ceremony 😂😂

I have just taken a look online at weddings at the Roman Baths and it does look beautiful. It will be a one off. Try to enjoy it.

Feel free to Google Roman Baths Sunrise Ceremony.

I'd forget her. Be glad you weren't invited to the hen party; go to the wedding, behave civilly as a plus-one guest and enjoy the good bits but keep out of her way; leave your husband to organise any wedding gift; and going forward, re-establish your friendship with the ex-sister-in-law whom you actually like. She's divorced from your brother-in-law, not from you.

I had a very similar circumstance with my BiLs new partner and found the same where they blew hot & cold constantly. They never married and ended up splitting.

I ended up calling time on trying to have any relationship with her and allowing her to treat me like that. I did however, keep all avenues open with BiL and nephew (son they had together) I would go but keep all communication civil but brief only.

I would say it would be unreasonable not to go for the sake of your husband and in laws. Plus it would only come back on you with others saying you caused the issue by not attending.