To not want to go to the wedding?

[PushedOut99]

Bit of background so as not to drip feed; DH and his brother had a terrible relationship as teens but are much closer now, they socialise once a month or so and I have a good relationship with BiL. I was very close to his ex, she was a bridesmaid at our wedding and doting auntie to our kids, we haven’t seen each other in person for a few years now but still speak on social media.
BiL split with his ex after she caught him cheating with the woman he is now with. She found out in (in my opinion) one of the worst ways, as she found an earring in their bed that belonged to the other woman.
Fast forward 3 years and BiL is now engaged to said woman and getting married early next year. I’ve made an awful lot of effort to get to know FSiL and to have a good relationship, but she’s quite… difficult. (Other family members including MiL have also said this, so not just me.) She’s very hot and cold; she can be very chatty and friendly one day and then totally blank someone the next; a prime example is at our DD’s birthday party earlier this year she spoke not a single word to me or my parents despite it being held at their house and our attempts to engage her in conversation, yet the week before we went to a concert together with partners and she was very chatty. When they got engaged we found out that they had gone out for a meal and drinks to celebrate with her sisters and friends, but we hadn’t been invited as “they didn’t think we’d be able to sort a sitter.” BiL looked very sheepish when we found out and it did upset me. I’ve now found out that I haven’t been invited to the hen party (DH has been invited on the stag but won’t be going as it’s abroad, he has made separate arrangements with BiL and FiL) and it’s made me feel quite upset, and like I don’t want to attend the wedding. I know I’m probably BU, but I’m really quite hurt. Would you feel the same?

On the I've hand you are upset by not being invited to the hen do. Which would cost you money.

On the other hand, you begrudge spending money on going to the wedding.

I don't think you can have it both ways.

I don’t begrudge spending money to go to the wedding as such. I’m put out that they expect us to spend upwards of £1000 to attend the wedding but clearly don’t think enough of us to invite us to celebrate their engagement or hen party with everyone else.

Holy crapoly - the ceremony is at 8AM?!? 😮And then you have to reconvene 11hrs later for the reception?? Even if the champagne breakfast is a few hours long that's still a 7hr break in the middle?

That sounds beyond horrendous, and I would really struggle to feel upbeat about attending something like that to be fair... even excluding any issues with the people themselves!

I totally understand your feelings about the wedding, but not the hen do. A hen do is for the bride’s friends / family and people they are close to. You are going to be family, but you’re not close now. I didn’t go to either of my SILs hen dos as before the wedding I didn’t know them very well so it never occurred to me to expect an invite. The hen do thing itself is not a snub as it probably didn’t occur to her to invite you.

As for the wedding, I’m a serial wedding avoider myself where possible. In fact I did make an excuse to dodge my BILs wedding, but my now-ex DH and I weren’t married at the time so I got away with it. In your shoes, already married with kids, I would go (reluctantly) just for the sake of your DH and overall family unity. (Then back off and go low contact afterwards if they remain stand off-ish to you after that.)

I would feel obliged to go to the wedding. If I truly couldn't afford it and DH was of the same opinion I might consider him going alone, but for immediate family I really think I'd have to go if at all possible.

I wouldn't be at all bothered about the hen. Like others, I've often been to hens that are for close friends only. I didn't have any family at mine, and I LOVE my SIL and we go on holidays together. Plus, doesn't sound like it would have been fun for you anyway.

Go the wedding and champagne breakfast and then go home. You've been to the important bit then and only need to pay for one hotel night, plus no hanging around.

YANBU not to like her, YANBU not to approve of how they got together, YANBU to be annoyed about the engagement party. Not terribly unusual to leave the in-laws out of the hen so I'd try move past that.

Not going to such a close family wedding makes quite the statement and could be hard to recover from. I'd go for the sake of your DH, your MIL and your BIL, and aim for polite and amicable with the SIL as someone said upthread.

I didn't invite my DH's B's wife to my hen do. She also didn't invite me to hers. No one took any umbridge with that.
Maybe her hen do is just for friends.

It does sound like that she feels massively uncomfortable with extended family / friends on your / DH's side. Probably because she knows that everyone else knows how her and your BIL got together and why she is better in smaller groups or 'her' side of the family / friends. That could explain the hot / cold personality

If you only live a short distance away from each other and will potentially be in each other's lives then you have to go to this wedding.
Also sounds like your DH is crap at organising family stuff, in which case you have to make peace with that or you become the organiser - bypass the brothers and go directly to her.

Hopefully you can have a friendship if that's what you would like

I'd go unless health condition would be difficult. Then I send kids and dh. I wouldn't care what sil thought but would explain to bil.

I wouldn't be offended by the hen do or engagement if you are not part of their friendship group

That's what I was thinking, having your child's birthday party at their house seems very odd.
Go or don't go - it's not a summons. But you're not going to improve your family relationship by not going. For your BIL sake I'd suck it up and try and enjoy the day. 3.5 hours drive is nothing.

I think YABU. It doesn't sound you like you have that type of relationship with her. You don't actually seem to like her so although you're feeling hurt I think in all honesty you'd be pissed off if she invited you as I doubt you'd want to go anyway!

I think put your hurt aside, she's made a point of inviting the people she should, which will be her friends circle and some close family. YABU to use it as a reason to not go to the wedding.

I wouldn't be upset about the hen do - I wasn't invited to my SIL's hen do and I didn't mind as I didn't know her that well.

I think you should go to the wedding. I'm all for the "it's an invitation not a summons" when it comes to friends, but for family it's different.

The problem is you’ve had a SIL who was a good fit now you’ve FSIL who is a different person. It’s going to be a different dynamic. I wouldn’t put so much emphasis on the hen she’s clearly making her own decisions etc. Go to the wedding and see how things are from there. I think you’ll find going forward it’ll be a different SIL relationship and not the one you’d like.

It’s a faintly bizarre sort of wedding, though, isn’t it ? This ‘attraction’ must be very special to make it worth dragging everyone out of bed to attend at eight in the morning, presumably that means getting up by 6.30; then you all have to hang around for the whole day until you are let back in for the reception.

I can’t see how this works for children. It must be at the weekend, because you will have to slog there on Friday night, after a school week, have the doom Saturday, drive back on Sunday,; it wouldn’t work if the wedding is on Sunday, as you would have to get up at about four am to get back in time for school. If it’s the vacation it’s better, but still a long day.
Is it Disneyland🤡?

I can’t comment on the hen do or even your relationship with your BIL soon to be wife. I think it would be fair to say that the logistics are just not possible or desirable for a family with children.

@PushedOut99 That certainly is odd behaviour

I'll guarantee you did let you feeling show. I expect she also feels uncomfortable knowing that you know how they got together and that you were close to Ex SIL.

Not inviting you to the hen do or to engagement drinks with her family is fine IMO, I'm not really sure why you'd expect to be invited, but you do need to go to your DH's brother's wedding.

Use the same excuse for the wedding that they used for not inviting you to the engagement party. Sorry, cannot sort a babysitter. Your husband can go alone if he chooses.

This, I agree totally that you are being unrealistic and unreasonable. Be nice to family but you are not one of her besties.

It doesn't sound like you are close, so perfectly reasonable not to be invited to hen do/engagement party. I didn't invite my soon to be SIL (and I really liked her!) to my (very casual, few drinks and a BBQ at home) 'hen do' simply because we weren't at the time good friends, even though she was perfectly lovely. It sounds like they just celebrated their engagement with friends, that's also fine.

As for the wedding, if you want to go, go. If it's too much of a hassle and expensive and you aren't feeling it, send dh alone. It's not a big deal.

When I say the children’s parties, I mean the family get together, not school friends. We’ve always had them at my parent’s house as they live very close to us and have a much larger house and garden and we both have large families so ours gets very crowded.

He is terrible at organising anything, I already bypass him and arrange directly with in laws.

I agree with this.

Whatever the circumstances, it's tacky as hell to keep your guests hanging around all day for an evening reception. What happens with elderly guests who may not be up to an early start and a late finish?

Go the night before, be visible at the morning ceremony and then go home. If you are able to do the drive solo and DH could share a room with someone, then maybe he could stay for the evening reception.

I get that you don’t want to go, but in this situation the law of “never do anything you can be criticised for” applies.

I hadn’t wanted to say, at risk of outing myself, but I think I’ve probably already said enough to be identified so I might as well.
It’s at the Roman Baths in Bath. They’re having a ‘Winter Sunrise Ceremony’ at the water’s edge, a champagne breakfast and then the reception will be in the evening ‘overlooking the thermal pool from the balcony’. It all sounds very lovely, but also very faffy with the big gap.

Oh, and it’s on a Friday, so we’re taking the children out of school/college for the day.