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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go to the wedding?

121 replies

PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 07:06

Bit of background so as not to drip feed; DH and his brother had a terrible relationship as teens but are much closer now, they socialise once a month or so and I have a good relationship with BiL. I was very close to his ex, she was a bridesmaid at our wedding and doting auntie to our kids, we haven’t seen each other in person for a few years now but still speak on social media.
BiL split with his ex after she caught him cheating with the woman he is now with. She found out in (in my opinion) one of the worst ways, as she found an earring in their bed that belonged to the other woman.
Fast forward 3 years and BiL is now engaged to said woman and getting married early next year. I’ve made an awful lot of effort to get to know FSiL and to have a good relationship, but she’s quite… difficult. (Other family members including MiL have also said this, so not just me.) She’s very hot and cold; she can be very chatty and friendly one day and then totally blank someone the next; a prime example is at our DD’s birthday party earlier this year she spoke not a single word to me or my parents despite it being held at their house and our attempts to engage her in conversation, yet the week before we went to a concert together with partners and she was very chatty. When they got engaged we found out that they had gone out for a meal and drinks to celebrate with her sisters and friends, but we hadn’t been invited as “they didn’t think we’d be able to sort a sitter.” BiL looked very sheepish when we found out and it did upset me. I’ve now found out that I haven’t been invited to the hen party (DH has been invited on the stag but won’t be going as it’s abroad, he has made separate arrangements with BiL and FiL) and it’s made me feel quite upset, and like I don’t want to attend the wedding. I know I’m probably BU, but I’m really quite hurt. Would you feel the same?

OP posts:

JustMarriedBecca · 02/10/2023 07:48

It's not unusual to not attend a SILs hen do. It's her night out with friends. You are her SIL. I never went to my SILs and she never invited me to hers.

You have to go to the wedding. Sorry. It's your in-laws. I'm all for "it's an invite not a summons" but not going to be a headache in the longer run.

Also, the fact she didn't say anything at your parents house. Sounds like social anxiety if she is otherwise perfectly social.

Go. Stop looking for excuses.

frazzledasarock · 02/10/2023 07:49

if You don’t want to go, don’t. Cite difficulty in finding sitters. And send your husband off on his own.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 02/10/2023 07:50

I didn't invite my future SIL to my hen fo, my hen do was with my friends. If i was really close with them then i may have invited them. Just because you're going to be family doesn't mean you have to be invited

ErmWhatever · 02/10/2023 07:50

I don't think yabu to not want to go, but I'd feel an obligation to despite my feelings toward the bride. Some things just aren't worth the potential fall out.

Original poster

PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 07:50

JustMarriedBecca · 02/10/2023 07:48

It's not unusual to not attend a SILs hen do. It's her night out with friends. You are her SIL. I never went to my SILs and she never invited me to hers.

You have to go to the wedding. Sorry. It's your in-laws. I'm all for "it's an invite not a summons" but not going to be a headache in the longer run.

Also, the fact she didn't say anything at your parents house. Sounds like social anxiety if she is otherwise perfectly social.

Go. Stop looking for excuses.

She spoke to lots of other people, just not me, MiL or my parents. I’m gathering from this thread that lots of people don’t go/aren’t invited to in law’s hen/stag dos, which surprises me. I don’t think I really know anyone who hasn’t invited their future in laws to them.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 02/10/2023 07:50

She maybe doesn't feel comfortable around you that's probably why she blows hot and cold she can't work you out .probably because you are friendly with his ex. Why would you be invited to her hen do if she's not that friendly with you. Your nose is put out that's fine but seriously grow up and attend the wedding

romdowa · 02/10/2023 07:52

Just don't go say you can't find child care and leave it at that. Say the children wouldn't be able for such a long day hanging around between the ceremony and the reception.

Applesandpears23 · 02/10/2023 07:56

I wasn’t invited to my SIL’s hen do. We get on fine. I found the wedding and her friends pretty dull so I am glad I didn’t have to do a hen do too.

ErmWhatever · 02/10/2023 07:57

I think it's odd to not invite your sil to your hen do. The only way I'd not see it as an intentional snub is if you've never met them or openly dislike each other.

Topofthetowntoo · 02/10/2023 07:58

Personally I think you do need to go to the wedding - it's your husband's brother. To not go would probably be interpreted as an 'act of war' and it's likely to cause even further division.

When it comes to not being invited to stuff, I always ask myself, if the situation was reversed, would I have asked them? So in this scenario, if you were having a hen with your closest friends, would you have invited Ms Hot and Cold? Probably not?

Just out of interest, did she know your BIL was in a relationship when they hooked up? I'm not sure I'd want either of them as close friends to be honest.☹️

Vinrouge4 · 02/10/2023 07:59

Well I don’t blame you feeling put out. She doesn’t seem to be worried about offending you and neither does BIL. All this shit about being the better person/sucking it up/it’s their day gets on my nerves. You are never going to be close after she didn’t include you in the celebrations or hen party. Life is too short. I would make an excuse and not go. Let your husband and kids go and enjoy a weekend by yourself. They probably won’t care anyway.

Original poster

PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 08:03

Topofthetowntoo · 02/10/2023 07:58

Personally I think you do need to go to the wedding - it's your husband's brother. To not go would probably be interpreted as an 'act of war' and it's likely to cause even further division.

Just out of interest, did she know your BIL was in a relationship when they hooked up? I'm not sure I'd want either of them as close friends to be honest.☹️

I would have yes, I think because I find it unusual that somebody wouldn’t invite their SiL, up until this thread at least. I’d tell myself that in a large group I probably wouldn’t notice too much if she came and ignored me, and at least she couldn’t say I didn’t make the effort.
She did yes, they all worked ‘together’ (she worked in a different department but they all ‘mingled’ at work. To be honest I find their behaviour at the time really unpalatable, but they’re obviously happy and so it is what it is now.

OP posts:

Healthyalltheway · 02/10/2023 08:05

You're not that close and that is OK. She is / will be family. You just need to be a grown up about it and go, it is not worth the fall out with your IL's and the hurt it can cause to them. If she called you names, yelled at you etc. I could undertstand not wanting to go, but she is just not your friend and that is fine. I was not invited to my SIL hens do and I travelled a long way to come, it was for friends only for her to let her hair down, and yes we get along really well.

Don't overthink it and don't make the wedding a statement about you.

Original poster

PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 08:06

ErmWhatever · 02/10/2023 07:57

I think it's odd to not invite your sil to your hen do. The only way I'd not see it as an intentional snub is if you've never met them or openly dislike each other.

I’m quite surprised that we’re in the minority on that. I‘ve never really known anyone to not invite their B/SiL to their stag/hen do.

OP posts:

ToadOnTheHill · 02/10/2023 08:10

Yanbu at all!

Of course you're disappointed that you wanted to see her as part of your wider family, someone you can get on with ad who will be in your life for years.

IMO hen nights are either close friends only (which might be what shes done) or more traditionally a mix of friends and future family. Try not to be put out if it's the former.

I'm going to sound like an old fogey now but I miss the culture of going to the pub in the local area with a mix of everyone, it's always funny to see FMIL have a few too many! It feels like a bonding moment for blending your lives so everyone knows everyone.

FWIW, I'm aware I can be a little hot and cold, its never personal. I'm usually just preoccupied, having a down day or having a day. Friends dont normally see me that way as I cancel plans if I cant cope with pretending to feel normal. Or the conversation flows easier so I might appear chattier with some people as I dont need to concentrate as much to follow it and say the right things. I'm not justifying it, at all, I'm grateful people put up with me, but I just wanted to reassure you that it probably isnt personal to you and your family.

Notonthestairs · 02/10/2023 08:11

Did you want to go the hen do?

You aren't close. You think she's difficult. Why is that a loss?

Personally I'd go to the wedding - but then I love weddings and I'm very nosy.

rookiemere · 02/10/2023 08:13

You don't like her and you probably wouldn't have gone to the hen do if you had been invited. I checked the etiquette on google and opinions are mixed as to if you have to invite a future SIL, therefore I think you just need to park your feelings on that.

Yes if you can go to the wedding you absolutely should. I get it's a pain - you could perhaps just go for the ceremony and skip the evening reception- but not going at all sends a very clear message.

Twatdog · 02/10/2023 08:15

You have a couple of choices then.
Suck it up and go, or you stay home and your husband and children go.

Tinkerbyebye · 02/10/2023 08:16

It wouldn’t bother me, in fact I would be happy not to go, she will just ignore you anyway on past history as she will be with her family/friends

trying to be nice it maybe she feels uncomfortable as she knows she is the other women and responsible for him leaving his first wife, does she know you keep in touch? Then again she could just be a rude person anyway.

I would leave dh to sort his relationship with his brother, and just tolerate her if you see her at family events and never have her in mind at any other point. I would go to the wedding, it’s not like she will have lots of time to speak to you at the event and you can always leave early

The only other think I would say is it’s not often leopards change their spots, and if he had an affair with his first wife he is likely to with her so it may not last anyway

Tiredchicken · 02/10/2023 08:17

The wedding does sound an annoying set up! So I do get that it’s not that appealing and it’s going to be expensive! If it was anyone other than your BIL I’d be saying don’t go!
but as it’s your BIL and him and your OH are close it makes it a massive deal if you don’t go.

i have only been to one hen do where a SIL was invited and it was super awkward when the quiz questions were favourite sexual positions, etc 🤢

you need to think of long term here. If you don’t go to the wedding what are the consequences…
can you just be the bigger person and go to the wedding to save a rift in the family.

topnoddy · 02/10/2023 08:19

If you don't want to go don't go .

No need for any excuses at all really .

Poxy families cause too much grief IMO , don't get it myself

Original poster

PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 08:20

ToadOnTheHill · 02/10/2023 08:10

Yanbu at all!

Of course you're disappointed that you wanted to see her as part of your wider family, someone you can get on with ad who will be in your life for years.

IMO hen nights are either close friends only (which might be what shes done) or more traditionally a mix of friends and future family. Try not to be put out if it's the former.

This is exactly how I feel. We’re family, we’ll be in each other’s lives for a long time. We only live about a mile and a half away, we’re a similar age, of course I’d like to be friends.
I’m not 100% sure regarding the hen party as other than MiL I’m the only female on this side of the family, but I do know that she’s invited the best man’s girlfriend (who she didn’t know before the relationship).
I’ve tried very much to give her the benefit of the doubt re: blowing hot and cold. It just feels very personal at times with the way we’ve been deliberately excluded, for example with the engagement celebration.

OP posts:

saraclara · 02/10/2023 08:21

ErmWhatever · 02/10/2023 07:57

I think it's odd to not invite your sil to your hen do. The only way I'd not see it as an intentional snub is if you've never met them or openly dislike each other.

But the two women are twice removed. If OP was the bride's fiance's sister, then she might get invited. But she's not. She's the bride's fiance's brother's wife, and that's a much more tenuous link.

rookiemere · 02/10/2023 08:25

She has made her position clear though, she doesn't want to be your bestie and clearly you're both very different people.

I've had male relatives trying to foist their new partners into some sort of friendship with me, and friendships only work if they are not contrived. In one case I found once the person in question had a DC we naturally had a lot more in common and now are genuinely quite fond of each other, but that certainly wasn't the case at the beginning.

Daffodil18 · 02/10/2023 08:25

She sounds awful and I wouldn’t want to go either but honestly just go for BIL. Yes it’s costly and a lot of effort but it will probably cause too many issues if you don’t.

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