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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to the wedding?

121 replies

PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 07:06

Bit of background so as not to drip feed; DH and his brother had a terrible relationship as teens but are much closer now, they socialise once a month or so and I have a good relationship with BiL. I was very close to his ex, she was a bridesmaid at our wedding and doting auntie to our kids, we haven’t seen each other in person for a few years now but still speak on social media.
BiL split with his ex after she caught him cheating with the woman he is now with. She found out in (in my opinion) one of the worst ways, as she found an earring in their bed that belonged to the other woman.
Fast forward 3 years and BiL is now engaged to said woman and getting married early next year. I’ve made an awful lot of effort to get to know FSiL and to have a good relationship, but she’s quite… difficult. (Other family members including MiL have also said this, so not just me.) She’s very hot and cold; she can be very chatty and friendly one day and then totally blank someone the next; a prime example is at our DD’s birthday party earlier this year she spoke not a single word to me or my parents despite it being held at their house and our attempts to engage her in conversation, yet the week before we went to a concert together with partners and she was very chatty. When they got engaged we found out that they had gone out for a meal and drinks to celebrate with her sisters and friends, but we hadn’t been invited as “they didn’t think we’d be able to sort a sitter.” BiL looked very sheepish when we found out and it did upset me. I’ve now found out that I haven’t been invited to the hen party (DH has been invited on the stag but won’t be going as it’s abroad, he has made separate arrangements with BiL and FiL) and it’s made me feel quite upset, and like I don’t want to attend the wedding. I know I’m probably BU, but I’m really quite hurt. Would you feel the same?

OP posts:
Original poster
PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 09:31

rookiemere · 02/10/2023 09:24

I agree with this.

Whatever the circumstances, it's tacky as hell to keep your guests hanging around all day for an evening reception. What happens with elderly guests who may not be up to an early start and a late finish?

Go the night before, be visible at the morning ceremony and then go home. If you are able to do the drive solo and DH could share a room with someone, then maybe he could stay for the evening reception.

Show quote history

I don’t drive at all, but I have looked into trains and considered this option already as I’m not sure I’ll manage the full day. I’m hoping if I do attend we can find a hotel that will allow an early check in before lunch and I can rest between.

OP posts:
Wexone · 02/10/2023 09:42

I get you actually. brothers wife very simular all chat some days and then none other days. she didn't invite me ir my sis to her hen party either. she has been with my brother since she was 16 and lived across the road (and they still do ) from my home place. so not as if a stranger. we live in a small town too. in my friends it is common to invite future sister in laws to hen party, they have been to all I have been too. or you do a small dinner or something. instead. that was the start of it. I get yoi don't have to like yoir in laws but fir family occasions you need to make an effort and if you don't it comes across as rude. don't make people feel like outsiders which is what my brothers wife does. it hurts more now as there is a baby and never invited to his things including my parents who live across the road. buy yet her family there the whole time. i would go to the wedding it's family one so you will know loads and have good crack. I wouldn't not go as I would be stubborn and not give her a reason to bitch about you. just be a nice a pie to her so she can never say you are not.

Pinkyhere · 02/10/2023 09:43

She sounds rude and deeply unpleasant. Probably uses the distancing to disguise her own guilt at how the relationship started. However, if you don't attend the wedding that's kind of it for your relationship and possibly your brother and bil. I would go, enjoy the scenery etc and stay in the background. You don't need to give her an opportunity to freeze you out.
I too have a selectively friendly sil. I have majorly backed away and only do the minimum to be polite. It's a shame bc I also would have liked a friendly relationship with her. But you can't force it. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.

Wexone · 02/10/2023 09:47

PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 07:35

They are having the wedding at a tourist attraction that opens during the day. The ceremony is at 8am, followed by a champagne breakfast. Then we’re “free to sightsee” in the day, and the evening reception starts at 7pm.

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sorry just seen this who the f has a ceremony at 8am ? that means she has to get up at like 4am for hair and make up etc. what sort of ceremony requires 8am start ? mine was half 2 in afternoon wanted 3 but hotel wouldn't let me. had a nice sleep in relaxing breakfast and relaxing get ready.
the part of yoi go away for a few hours os shocking where on earth do these people get their ideas of weddings from ?

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/10/2023 09:52

I wouldn't want to be friends with a woman who would sleep in my sister-in-law's bed.

EyesOnThePies · 02/10/2023 09:53

Of course you should go to your BIL’s wedding.

She can see you are friends with his ex, and tbf you still have loyalty to the ex and judge the current relationship.

she probably just invited her own side of family and friends to hen etc. People are allowed to invite different groups of people to different things.

You get on well with your MIL, don’t make any tensions worse.

And why can’t you go early on the morning of the wedding? Why 2 nights?

Original poster
PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 09:56

EyesOnThePies · 02/10/2023 09:53

Of course you should go to your BIL’s wedding.

She can see you are friends with his ex, and tbf you still have loyalty to the ex and judge the current relationship.

she probably just invited her own side of family and friends to hen etc. People are allowed to invite different groups of people to different things.

You get on well with your MIL, don’t make any tensions worse.

And why can’t you go early on the morning of the wedding? Why 2 nights?

The ceremony starts at 8am, and it’s a three and a half hour drive. I can’t imagine anybody would want to travel three and a half hours in wedding attire, and there aren’t many hotels that allow a 7am check in for getting changed.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 02/10/2023 10:01

She probably feels uncomfortable and judged by his side of the family due to the circumstances and that's why they keep you at arms length and she wanted to celebrate with just her own family and friends. Likewise I don't see a problem with her not inviting you to her hen do - I wouldn't assume this as a future SIL, perfectly fine for her to focus on her own social circle for that event.

I wouldn't not go for any moral/personal reasons. If it doesn't work logistically then fine but otherwise just go, the drama isn't necessary.

EyesOnThePies · 02/10/2023 10:03

PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 09:56

The ceremony starts at 8am, and it’s a three and a half hour drive. I can’t imagine anybody would want to travel three and a half hours in wedding attire, and there aren’t many hotels that allow a 7am check in for getting changed.

Show quote history

Of course you should go to your BIL’s wedding.

She can see you are friends with his ex, and tbf you still have loyalty to the ex and judge the current relationship.

she probably just invited her own side of family and friends to hen etc. People are allowed to invite different groups of people to different things.

You get on well with your MIL, don’t make any tensions worse.

MargotBamborough · 02/10/2023 10:08

I don't think I'd expect to be invited to the hen do if I wasn't close to the bride and frankly hen dos are so expensive and time consuming these days I would only go to one if the bride was a very close friend, so I'd consider not being invited a bullet dodged tbh.

I'd hold my nose and go to the wedding. If your SIL wants to cause family drama, let her. Don't be the cause of it.

BogRollBOGOF · 02/10/2023 10:11

I've only been to one family hen night; a cousin close in age. The rest have been friends. A few have involved bride's immediate female family members, but not the groom's ILs with a basic, functional relationship.

TBH, you've probably dodged a bullet on the hen night. You're not close and you're uncomfortable about the foundations of the relationship and that probably shows.

Weddings are different. They are a social glue through pretty much every culture. It's when a couple are officially recogonised as family. They bring wider families and friends together. They aren't a summons, but to not go to one for this level of family under these circumstances will trigger long-term awkwardness, and is unlikely to be overlooked/ forgotten.

The timings are a PITA, but on the plus side, there is a generous window to go and have a break. It's less intense than ceremonies at midday, and awkward gaps/ drawn out photos and leaving you hanging around isolated venues for hours until an evening reception

Mrsjayy · 02/10/2023 10:26

I don't think I was invited to my Sil hen do I can't remember but I definitely didn't go.

Honeychickpea · 02/10/2023 10:29

Don't overthink it and don't make the wedding a statement about you.
But I suspect that is exactly what the OP wants to do. Her husband's feelings about attending his brother's wedding don't seem to matter.

Sensoria · 02/10/2023 10:37

You’re her (future) brother in law’s wife. Why on earth would you be invited to an engagement dinner she had with her sisters and her friends or be invited to a hen party, presumably with her family and friends.

It does sound like you’re looking for excuses not to like her.

pontipinemum · 02/10/2023 10:45

YANBU to be upset, you would be very unreasonable to not go to the wedding.

I have 2 SILs, DHs sister we get on well I invited her to my hen knowing full well she would not come, not her sort of thing. SIL DH's brothers wife, I don't really get on with but I also invited her, she didn't come. We actually get on a lot better these days.

If you don't go to the wedding a very strong line will be drawn and I don't know if there is any going back from it.

MargotBamborough · 02/10/2023 10:48

The all day wedding at the Roman baths sounds simultaneously batshit, self-indulgent, and potentially rather fun.

Yes, it's a bit of a liberty to ask people to be there from 8am meaning that they all have to shell out for a two night stay.

But given that it's your husband's brother's wedding and you don't seem to be suggesting you can't afford it, I think the only way to approach this is just to lean into it and enjoy the day. It will probably be very cool.

Original poster
PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 10:50

Sensoria · 02/10/2023 10:37

You’re her (future) brother in law’s wife. Why on earth would you be invited to an engagement dinner she had with her sisters and her friends or be invited to a hen party, presumably with her family and friends.

It does sound like you’re looking for excuses not to like her.

It wasn’t her sisters and her friends, it was her sisters and their partners, and friends of them both/each of them individually. So yes, we were a bit hurt that we weren’t asked to celebrate with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 10:54

Honeychickpea · 02/10/2023 10:29

Don't overthink it and don't make the wedding a statement about you.
But I suspect that is exactly what the OP wants to do. Her husband's feelings about attending his brother's wedding don't seem to matter.

I absolutely don’t want to do that at all. I haven’t expressed my husband’s feelings about attending, so I’m not really sure how you’ve come to that conclusion? For the record, he thinks it’s a massive fuss and the travel is an inconvenience, but that he should go because it’s his brother and he feels guilty that he’s not attending the stag do (he doesn’t want to go abroad and do the things they’re planning on doing like all day drinking and football matches). He’s told me it’s totally my choice whether I go but he’d be disappointed if he goes alone.

OP posts:
Sensoria · 02/10/2023 10:56

PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 10:50

It wasn’t her sisters and her friends, it was her sisters and their partners, and friends of them both/each of them individually. So yes, we were a bit hurt that we weren’t asked to celebrate with them.

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Why is it her fault that her fiancé, your husband’s brother, didn’t invite the two of you?

Ladybyrd · 02/10/2023 10:56

So stay home and send DH. It's his brother.

This.

Original poster
PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 10:57

pontipinemum · 02/10/2023 10:45

YANBU to be upset, you would be very unreasonable to not go to the wedding.

I have 2 SILs, DHs sister we get on well I invited her to my hen knowing full well she would not come, not her sort of thing. SIL DH's brothers wife, I don't really get on with but I also invited her, she didn't come. We actually get on a lot better these days.

If you don't go to the wedding a very strong line will be drawn and I don't know if there is any going back from it.

I think that’s probably what I needed to hear. I know deep down it would be petty not to go to the wedding, and I’m not a petty person. I’m just hurt that we seem to be pushed aside a lot.

OP posts:
MrsH2207 · 02/10/2023 10:57

His future wife sounds awful and not someone I would want to have anything to do with more than I'd need to. But for the sake of the family and remaining civil, I would attend the wedding so as to not upset anyone as he is your BiL after all. Enjoy food and a drink amd a catch up with the rest of the family :)

Original poster
PushedOut99 · 02/10/2023 10:59

Sensoria · 02/10/2023 10:56

Why is it her fault that her fiancé, your husband’s brother, didn’t invite the two of you?

Show quote history

Because she did the inviting, except she didn’t actually invite us. Then when BiL asked if we were coming, she told him that she didn’t think we’d be able to get a sitter at short notice (24hrs.) He told DH this when they went out for a drink a while back.

OP posts:
Ladybyrd · 02/10/2023 11:01

I wish they did have a closer relationship, I’m very close to my family and I really like all of DH’s family, especially MiL, but he’s not a particularly family oriented person. In context of the wedding, all I meant was that she’s made me feel very much like I/we don’t matter, so why should I make so much effort to attend her wedding? I’m aware this is unreasonable/petty, but I feel very hurt, and I’m just wanting to get some insight into whether others would feel the same way.

I think you have to accept that they're different people with different dynamics and accept the situation as it is rather than hoping it was something else.

As for her, I'm afraid I couldn't be bothered with all that (the hot and cold stuff). I'd talk to DH and suggest you stay home with the kids to make it more affordable and if he insists, leave at the first opportunity if you feel uncomfortable. You don't have to pander to her and you can say no. I would stop making the effort after that though - just accept they're not close.

aSofaNearYou · 02/10/2023 11:02

It wasn’t her sisters and her friends, it was her sisters and their partners, and friends of them both/each of them individually. So yes, we were a bit hurt that we weren’t asked to celebrate with them.

Being honest, can you really not see any reason she might be uncomfortable around you given your relationship with his ex? If you didn't judge her for how they got together, you wouldn't have mentioned it.

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