DH says I’m making him depressed

[UncleBunclesHouse]

After a nice family day out being somewhat spoiled with low level sniping and passive aggression, I sat DH down to ask if something was the matter.

It is, and apparently me pulling him up on things like:

• leaving a soaking nappy in DC age 2 bedroom from overnight (until 3pm when I found it), when I’d asked him to sort their bedrooms out
• leaving empty packs of food on the kitchen worktop all night
• leaving 2 toilet rolls with one sheet on, on top of the cistern, and using a new roll

…is making him mentally ill. He’s says I’m making his IBS flare up too by being on at him all the time. I probably am nagging tbh, but I honestly don’t think any of those things are unreasonable to pull someone up on? Appreciate they are all pretty minor in the grand scheme of things but annoying nonetheless. I’m not living in student accommodation anymore, it feels like that kind of level. It’s not like I’m screaming and shouting or anything when I do raise it.

AIBU?

If that's making him mentally ill how does he deal with real problems? Because these arnt real problems they are petty annoyances bought on by his own lazy behaviour

It honestly depends on how much you are nagging. If these are isolated things, ok, but if you are constantly having a go, honestly - that would make anyone depressed. It’s not the end of the world if there is an empty loo roll is there? There are worst things he could be than slightly messy.

Not unreasonable to pull him up on it and I'd say NBU for him to say IBS flare is linked but I think he's misunderstanding what depression actually is and just trotting it out there.

Just tell him the answer is in hands. If he does as asked, or even better uses common sense and does them without being asked his mental health won’t be affected

When I first read your post I thought he’d left your DC in the soaking nappy overnight which I’d be fuming about. But left in their room? Really doesn’t seem like that big of a deal.

The other two issues also sound like non events tbh but if he does this all the time I can understand why you’d be annoyed.

A house is for living in.

Empty packets and a wet nappy are hardly world events. Wait until you have teens for empty packets.

None of those would bother me. I’d hate to live with someone who carped at me all the time. And I’m quite tidy, but tolerance goes a long way in this world.

And what effect is him leaving rubbish everywhere having on your mood?

Really these seem very minor. Choose your battles. There is absolutely no reason nag about this sort of thing. I wouldn’t be happy with pissy nappy, but other two- yeez

why should the OP tolerate her husband expecting to be picked up after? If she tolerates it, it’ll get worse not better.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

what if constantly having to dispose of empty loo rolls with one sheet on them is getting to OPs mental health?

DH is a grown man. It is not difficult to understand that if you finish a loo roll, you put a new one on and dispose of the old one. etc

It's not nagging if you have to constantly remind a grown adult to have to behave like a grown adult and pull their weight in their own home with their own wife and family.

He's a lazy knob, IMO

Was the first thing I thought of.

Maybe he isn’t. Maybe he’s just thinking about something else? Not everyone is obsessed with keeping everything immaculate.

These seem such minor things.

they are obviously not minor to the OP. Is her mental health not important?

I honestly think some people now use ‘depression’ in a way to justify everything. Why should you throw away the toilet rolls - he is just being lazy? You are allowed to call it out.

It makes me so angry, as this kind of thing diminishes the experience of people with genuine depression.

I've never ever left a soggy nappy lying around anywhere ever. It's really sad that some have such low standards.

He's told you what's wrong and you've not listened.

Living together can be irritating. Your description of the toilet rolls says you do pull him up on every little thing.

You don't have to live together you know. sometimes I think people do better living apart in relationships. Especially when one is a bit messy and the other wants the toilets polished after every use.

I often go around picking up several empty toilet rolls. Can't say that I've even brought it to my wife's attention as it literally takes me seconds to dispose of them.

one way or another he’s leaving the mess for the OP to sort. Intentionally, or because he’s daydreaming.

i mean he’s hardly thinking ‘I’ll leave this here to give me something to do next Tuesday’ is he?

leave everything where it is OP. Just work round the mess he leaves lying around. See how long it takes before the mess affects his mental health.

If he's depressed he needs to make an appointment to speak to the GP. If he has an IBS flare up he needs to make an appointment to speak to the GP about his treatment.

I find a lazy arse leaving stuff lying around that they could easily dispose of a huge turn off.

These are not things that I consider worth falling out about.

Is this a hill either of you want to die on?

I doubt that these requests in isolation are the cause of him feeling this way: either it’s something else entirely and this issue is a red herring, or you are constantly on at him for little things like this.

I rather suspect this all comes down to respect. Do you really respect him and treat him as your equal? Does he do likewise?

You sound very controlling. What's the worst that will happen if he leaves things lying around? Nothing. If your going on all the time, just stop.

I’m kind of amazed by, ‘those aren’t big deals’ comments. Good, since they aren’t big deals, then it shouldn’t take much effort for DH to put a soaked diaper in the garbage, rather than leave it, right? Why is it on @UncleBunclesHouse to pick up after a grown man?

”You’re making me depressed.” holds about as much water for me as, “you gave me diabetes.” It’s blaming her for his issue. He needs to seek help for the chemical imbalance in his brain instead of blaming her for expecting basic hygiene standards around the house.

If my dh would go on about me leaving an empty packet on the worktop in my own flipping house I would divorce him. He shouldn't expect you to clean up after him, but equally, but he should be in charge of when to clean up or not.

agree - if they aren't a big deal, DH can deal with them as and when.