DH says I’m making him depressed

[UncleBunclesHouse]

After a nice family day out being somewhat spoiled with low level sniping and passive aggression, I sat DH down to ask if something was the matter.

It is, and apparently me pulling him up on things like:

• leaving a soaking nappy in DC age 2 bedroom from overnight (until 3pm when I found it), when I’d asked him to sort their bedrooms out
• leaving empty packs of food on the kitchen worktop all night
• leaving 2 toilet rolls with one sheet on, on top of the cistern, and using a new roll

…is making him mentally ill. He’s says I’m making his IBS flare up too by being on at him all the time. I probably am nagging tbh, but I honestly don’t think any of those things are unreasonable to pull someone up on? Appreciate they are all pretty minor in the grand scheme of things but annoying nonetheless. I’m not living in student accommodation anymore, it feels like that kind of level. It’s not like I’m screaming and shouting or anything when I do raise it.

AIBU?

Because he needs to behave like an adult and put/throw stuff away and not leave crap lying around. The men in my house know I won’t put up with this. DH himself tackles ours sons if empty packets/bottles are left around.

These are the kind of small things that annoy me about DH but I bite my tongue as otherwise I’d be nagging constantly and in the long run, they don’t really matter.

He's lazy and strategically incompetent and then sulks and ruins a family day out when it's pointed out. And on top of ruining a family day, also tells the OP she's affecting his mental health too.

I'm amazed women are still falling for these obvious tactics.

But everyone leaves stuff out sometimes. If it’s all the time it’s annoying. But every now and then isn’t.

using the term "nagging" is misogynistic twaddle.

Sure we all leave things out sometimes, but I'm guessing that if it really annoys OP so much it isn't occasionally? perhaps OP could confirm?

I can confirm this is not occasional. It’s particularly bad of late for some reason, so maybe he was feeling depressed already, who knows.

Taking the comments on board @Brefugee and @willWillSmithsmith and I could give more of a chance to do it I guess before I ‘nag’. He is a good person, but this behaviour- which seems to get better and worse in waves - drives me bloody crackers

This! I’d have thought that would be more likely to make a person depressed.

Cant he just use common sense and then he won’t need to be “nagged”

OP I completely get it. I don’t need a spotless house but I need everyone to do their bit so it doesn’t become a cluttered mess. I don’t find it easy myself to tidy up as I go along so if I have to do extra on top of my very busy day it can tip me over the edge…

From an outsider's perspective, surely the obvious solution to his "depression", is:

to throw his wrappers in the bin

recycle old toilet rolls when he finishes the roll

remove urine soaked items from his child's bedroom when he puts them there, rather than leaving them on the floor to fester

And basically act like a grown up who has equal responsibility to keep the home in a clean and tidy state.

You wouldn't then have to see the mess he'd created, nor remind him that it's his responsibility as a grown man to clear up behind himself and the "nagging" would stop and he'd be cured: hallelujah!

But teens are teens, this is a grown man who should know by now to pick up after himself.

Could it be that these things are the top of the iceberg and you aren't addressing the underlying problems? The things you mentioned sound like he isn't considering the fact that when he's lazy and doesn't put his rubbish in the bin for example it means you have to act like his cleaner/mother to tidy up after him.
Maybe it would be better to think about what you need from him in the bigger picture and communicate this to him.That might take care of the smaller things and if he doesn't change them he is showing he doesn't respect you.

It would drive me mad if a partner did this to me regularly quite honestly.

DH used to leave wrappers and containers lying around after he'd consumed the contents. How did he think they were going to get into the bin? We all know he didn't think at all and, if he had, he just thought I would do it. I didn't and would leave the stuff at his place on the kitchen table and occasionally on his pillow! He doesn't do it any more

@Nn9011 could you explain what you mean?

Or I sort it all out, to add to the already never ending to do list?
This is the crux of it. Either the OP nags at him and he does it eventually (under protest) or she tries to ignore it until she can no longer bare it and then she has to do it.
I’d recommend he takes a trip to the GP if he is honestly feeling he needs support but being asked to tidy up after himself isn’t unreasonable.

Leaving a urine soaked nappy on a bedroom floor overnight and until 3 pm when OP found it is not trivial or making her a nag when she calls her husband on it because she thought he had checked bedrooms. It's utterly revolting and unhygienic and the room would definitely smell. Those of you saying this is normal home life, I don't know anyone who thinks taking a nappy off and putting it in a bin and washing your hands isn't normal behaviour, thank God!

one of the reasons I left my ex was nagging (although he was very anal) his high standards of how things should be just wore me down (& I didn’t do anything grim). I got so stressed & bored with it in the end.

if it’s quite infrequent that you’re pulling him up then he’s unreasonable but if it’s multiple times a day, I can see why he’s fed up.

I would start by discussing expectations from you because if he improves then this would remove the need to nag.

Tell him to stop being such an incompetent adult!

It depends a lot on tone and what exactly ‘pulling him up on it’ means. You don’t have to be yelling and screaming to be shaming someone.

You both have different standards - the nappy was a bit grim - but the other things seem like something he would have got around to eventually.

I have this with DH - for example he likes to rinse and put things in the dishwasher the second he’s used them. I prefer to stack things up and do a bigger load at once.

He likes to pile up paper post and admin at the side table and rifle through it when needed for several months before dealing with the pile - I like to have it filed away and keep the table top clear.

Some people do a points system for these differences - from 1 is ‘I can live with it’ to 5 ‘it makes me want to scream’

For DH the pots in the sink is a 5, doing his system of constant washing up is a 2-3 for me - so we do it his way as his tolerance for my system is a lot less.

For the paper admin we are the opposite way around so we do it my way.

That’s a way of compromising that honours the things that drive us crazy the most and keeps the peace.

And it’s a system that can extend to all aspects of things that affect the relationship - driving, childcare, finances.

The only problem is when for one person everything is a five and they can’t compromise on anything. Or both people are all fives - in case that’s a sign you are not compatible for living arrangements

I'm not saying you're wrong. Really I'm not. But just for balance, I think that my DP would say similar things to you. In reality he criticises me constantly, I started counting for a laugh and Sundays he would correct me or nag be in average about 30 times. It is making me depressed. The last thing he says to me before I fall asleep is "you shouldn't have given DS the red cup at dinner time, the green cup is better". The first thing I hear is "why did you draw the blinds wrong". It's relentless. I am assuming that you are no where near as bad to live with !

You should be more concerned about his well being than a soaky nappy left unattended.

“I probably am nagging tbh” At least you realise.
People who say the things he is saying tend to have control freaks as partners.

It's just you mentioned working full time, having at least one small child and these are extra things you have to do. I can't help but wonder if these are just small signs of how much mental load you maybe take. It also doesn't sound like he is considering what not doing these things mean, like if he is leaving that nappy or the packets it's because he isn't caring that the someone is going to have to come along and tidy aka you.
If these small things are overwhelming I just wonder how much is already on your plate and if that is the problem and you communicate that to him and he continues to ignore it then he isn't respecting what you need or your time/mental energy.
I've made some assumptions so I could be wrong but that's what it sounded like to me.

I actually can see both sides of this.

I have very low tolerance for people expecting me to clean up/tidy up after them and if this were happening out of routine it would irritate me as well.

I have to say, though, that I think these specific examples do seem pretty low level (particularly the toilet roll ones -- I really couldn't get exercised about this).

If I felt that every time I committed a very petty transgression like this in my own home I was going to be nagged about it afterwards it would make me feel pretty drained and like I was walking on eggshells.

I would have done it in a way where I sat him down and said: "I know you don't consider things like this to be very important in the scheme of things but I feel disrespected by the assumption that I will always be the one to have to do it."

There's a way of handling these things and the constant drip, drip of low-level disapproval does eat away at goodwill between two people.

Bloody hell can't believe some of the replies in this post.

I tell you what OP I'm willing to guess you do the majority of the wifework. Just follow the lead of the posters on here. Stop doing DHs washing, if he complains tell him he's nagging and it's affecting your mental health, no dinners cooked, stop whining DH it's affecting your mental health, no engagement with his family/organising gifts - stop whining DH it's affecting my mental health. You get the drift.

Your DH is lazy and entitled. Is he a child? Can't throw away a used loo roll? Pathetic. These are basic things when ving as a family, even my children do these things without having to think because they are functioning human beings not man children.