DH says I’m making him depressed

[UncleBunclesHouse]

After a nice family day out being somewhat spoiled with low level sniping and passive aggression, I sat DH down to ask if something was the matter.

It is, and apparently me pulling him up on things like:

• leaving a soaking nappy in DC age 2 bedroom from overnight (until 3pm when I found it), when I’d asked him to sort their bedrooms out
• leaving empty packs of food on the kitchen worktop all night
• leaving 2 toilet rolls with one sheet on, on top of the cistern, and using a new roll

…is making him mentally ill. He’s says I’m making his IBS flare up too by being on at him all the time. I probably am nagging tbh, but I honestly don’t think any of those things are unreasonable to pull someone up on? Appreciate they are all pretty minor in the grand scheme of things but annoying nonetheless. I’m not living in student accommodation anymore, it feels like that kind of level. It’s not like I’m screaming and shouting or anything when I do raise it.

AIBU?

And why should he put up with her constantly going on at him?

I disagree that these are minor things. If they were, the OP would be unlikely to post about them. They are almost certainly examples of a much bigger problem.

and yes, it is about respect. Him respecting his wife enough not to think of her as a skivvy.

Thing is, these things although admittedly minor DO bother me and make me feel overwhelmed when I’m already working full time with small DC. So no in theory not a hill I want to die on, but what’s the alternative? I feel stressed out? Or I sort it all out, to add to the already never ending to do list?

Because he’s leaving rubbish everywhere…

If her Mental Health is bad over these minor issues, then go speak to a Gp

i wonder about constantly? she's given a few examples. We have no idea if it was biscuit packets last night, the nappy all day, then the loo rolls, the cup by the sink maybe... We have no idea.

But he also knows that those things annoy her so if she is going to cut down the "nagging" he can cut down the "lazy arseing" too?

and go to the GP if he thinks he's depressed. It is a serious condition that needs professional attention

What form does 'pulling him up' take? DH used to have a dreadful habit of leaving loo rolls. Rather than have the same stupid conversation 20 times, I used to think of new and imaginative places to put them. Inside his pillowcase, dangling off his hook, wrapped around his toothpaste. It's quite sad that he doesn't leave them any more.

We all do things that piss our spouses off. All of us. Finding ways to talk about that is important. He's saying the way you talk to him is stressing him. You're saying that his levels of housework are shoddy and that is shit for you.

I don't allow the word 'nag' in my house because it's misogynistic. However, trying not to use a hectoring tone, a sigh, a PA method, works better. Ask for what you want but don't tell him off or make him feel small.

Living with a man child would make my vagina shrivelle up. He acts like a child and if you pull him up on it your a nag. Tell him to grow up.

Sit down together and talk.
Make a list of things that really and truly matter to your mental health, including having a tidy house. Invite him to do likewise. Promise each other to prioritise each others’ priorities.

The thing is, they are very minor, little things that don't matter (unless the toddler eats the nappy or whatever). But... at some point sooner than later they do have to be tidied and unless DH always tidies up himself before OP needs the table top clear, before the nappy starts to make the room smell, before there are toilet roll tubes falling into the loo and blocking it or whatever, then these little tasks are being pushed onto OP and these are just three extra tasks, but I bet there are more and that this happens frequently and if OP is like the average UK mother she is probably spending rather a substantial amount of her limited time and energy picking up after other people.

Can you try to learn to ignore these things, OP? for your own sake.

But if your DH is depressed, please encourage him to seek medical help.

It depends. On the surface it seems minor but if you are constantly telling him off then it can get irritating.

I live on the other side of this. My husband’s constant increasing nitpicking is making me seriously question my future with him.

There is a difference between pointing out laziness, and nitpicking over differences in behaviour. Only you know if he is lazy.

Whilst those things are annoying, it’s highly possible there are things you do/don’t do that are also irritating to him- does he mention them?

Being on the receiving end of endless nitpicking slowly destroys a relationship. In our situation I am definitely not lazy, I do a huge amount of work both in the home and out. But I don’t consider it important how I load the dishwasher, how I hang clothes a different way on the drier to him, whether I put the bread in the bread bin before or after I’ve eaten lunch…….

Maybe he is lazy- or maybe he has different priorities to you. Only you can work that out.

They're not minor though, as they add up to extra work to do on top of the exhaustion of childcare and a job.

these "minor issues" are affecting the DH's mental health though and that's ok?

@mrsnoodle55 but OP isn't talking about how he loads the dishwasher (I'm with you, that would make me be packing a bag I'm afraid). It is about leaving mess lying around.

But is an empty wrapper occasionally a mess?

So you pointing out his laziness is making him depressed??

Low level constant nitpicking would really drain me, OP. If this is an example of a typical day I can see why it’s grinding him down. None of the examples you’ve used seem particularly bad?

Does he go back and clear it up later or does he expect you to do it? If it's the former, I wouldn't get too wound up but if it's the latter then he is BU.

Leaving a child in a wet nappy isn't on at all though.

Depends how often it's happening and if he's expecting OP to tidy up after him.

And what is his suggestion for how to deal with these things?
Let me guess. The poor fragile soul would like you to be mother to him too?
Make his life as gentle, stress free and easy for him by doing all these things yourself without comment?

He's training you not to expect him to do anything around the house, or he'll get depressed.
Read that 'divorced me because I left dishes by the sink' article, OP. Make your DH read it. If things don't change then maybe decide if you want to divorce now, after another decade of this, or if you can put up with it forever. Because if he doesn't change after reading the article then he never will. Because he doesn't value you.

Presumably he could just not leave things lying around and everyone's mental health would be fantastic, whereas the alternative course of action he seems to be suggesting is that OP takes on the extra housework but keeps her stress, tiredness and resentment to herself, the outcome of which isn't so universally superb at all.

he says she's nagging so i'm guessing it's more often than once a month? no idea

but it is a mess if you don't ever put it away. There are 2 sides to this. The OP who doesn't want to be confronted with 2 empty loo rolls, crumby packets and wet nappies, and the DH who doesn't mind leaving those things lying around (for how long? we don't know because OP reminds him to put them away)

So maybe OP needs to leave it longer before remarking? and maybe DH needs to understand it's not a bachelor pad? (and he needs to get to the GP if he thinks he's depressed)

My mum was a nag. It was really unpleasant and I used to feel sorry for my dad, who was a good man but not perfect. My mum would nag about all sorts of stupid stuff. Just be careful when your kids are older they don’t see you as a nag as it can really affect kids. If he’s a good person then choose your battles. My dad did actually leave my mum at one point because of it.