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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says I’m making him depressed

119 replies

UncleBunclesHouse · 01/10/2023 19:41

After a nice family day out being somewhat spoiled with low level sniping and passive aggression, I sat DH down to ask if something was the matter.

It is, and apparently me pulling him up on things like:

  • leaving a soaking nappy in DC age 2 bedroom from overnight (until 3pm when I found it), when I’d asked him to sort their bedrooms out
  • leaving empty packs of food on the kitchen worktop all night
  • leaving 2 toilet rolls with one sheet on, on top of the cistern, and using a new roll

…is making him mentally ill. He’s says I’m making his IBS flare up too by being on at him all the time. I probably am nagging tbh, but I honestly don’t think any of those things are unreasonable to pull someone up on? Appreciate they are all pretty minor in the grand scheme of things but annoying nonetheless. I’m not living in student accommodation anymore, it feels like that kind of level. It’s not like I’m screaming and shouting or anything when I do raise it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Livinghappy · 01/10/2023 21:43

these things although admittedly minor DO bother me and make me feel overwhelmed

Who decided on the house rules? Everyone makes mistakes or just get distracted so forget to pick something up. I think you feeling overwhelmed with, by your own admissions, is minor issues should be something to focus on.

Don't sweat the small stuff

DreamItDoIt · 01/10/2023 21:53

To all those posters saying 'don't sweat the small stuff' and 'it's so minor' - who is going to pick up the wet nappy, used toilet rolls?
Are you just saying the OP should leave them or are you suggesting she picks up all the jobs her DH is too lazy to do?

Because the upshot is that he knows she'll do it so he doesn't have to bother. Presumably you think the dirty nappy should stay there until it's crawling with maggots?

Thepeopleversuswork · 01/10/2023 21:56

DreamItDoIt · 01/10/2023 21:53

To all those posters saying 'don't sweat the small stuff' and 'it's so minor' - who is going to pick up the wet nappy, used toilet rolls?
Are you just saying the OP should leave them or are you suggesting she picks up all the jobs her DH is too lazy to do?

Because the upshot is that he knows she'll do it so he doesn't have to bother. Presumably you think the dirty nappy should stay there until it's crawling with maggots?

It's not exactly "don't sweat the small stuff"... (although I do think this is fairly small stuff in terms of the day to day domestic grind).

It's just that I think a relationship which features a lot of nagging and "reminding" and low level criticism is doomed: it sucks the life out of it.

I don't blame the OP for being pissed off with it, I just think my approach would just be to leave, rather than getting bogged down in endless bickering about low level domestic shit.

If it's bad enough, leave.

heartdog · 01/10/2023 22:07

DreamItDoIt absolutely, so many apologists for male entitled behaviour. If the husband loves and respects OP he'd put rubbish in the bin and not leave urine soaked nappies on the floor. I can't believe people's standard so low. I bet he throws his own rubbish away at work .

Brefugee · 02/10/2023 08:15

There's a way of handling these things and the constant drip, drip of low-level disapproval does eat away at goodwill between two people.

But this has 2 sides.

The points system pp mentioned is good. We did something similar once: it stings a bit to make the list, but we made it and allocated green, amber and red to show which things might be deal-breakers. And we worked out how to handle that.

Might help, OP?

But if he thinks he's actually not depressed, and not just saying that to make you stop, the "nagging" you need to do is to get him to see the GP.

TrashedSofa · 02/10/2023 08:19

MamaGhina · 01/10/2023 21:09

Or I sort it all out, to add to the already never ending to do list?
This is the crux of it. Either the OP nags at him and he does it eventually (under protest) or she tries to ignore it until she can no longer bare it and then she has to do it.
I’d recommend he takes a trip to the GP if he is honestly feeling he needs support but being asked to tidy up after himself isn’t unreasonable.

Exactly right.

Also, leaving pissy nappies around the place is revolting. Basic hygiene is non-negotiable.

Gerrataere · 02/10/2023 08:28

All the handmaidens are out on this one. Can’t believe one of the first replies is actually using the word ‘nagging’ over basic housekeeping that most adults (women) can do without being told. Oh and of course list writing.. wonder who’s going to end up actually writing a list and deciding what is a priority? It’s sad to see how lazy men’s behaviour is still being excused and pandered to in this day and age.

KajsaKavat · 02/10/2023 08:29

Nappy yes, the rest is nagging

KajsaKavat · 02/10/2023 08:32

But that’s because it IS nagging… the nappy left in a room obviously is gross but the other things are so stupidly minor

anareen · 02/10/2023 08:34

The diaper thing I can see as a sanitary issue. The other I can kind of see the possibility of being on the verge of nagging. It sounds like he just doesn't know how to walk a few feet and use the trash 🤣 Put bright signs with arrows leading to the trash cans 🤣 maybe simply ask he throws things away when he's finished instead of naming all those specifics.....? Idk. I feel like it's an issue amongst men and we get tired of picking up after them 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

iamwhatiam23 · 02/10/2023 08:38

The nappy would piss me off but the rest of it I simply would have thrown in the bin and got on with my day!

Gerrataere · 02/10/2023 08:40

KajsaKavat · 02/10/2023 08:32

But that’s because it IS nagging… the nappy left in a room obviously is gross but the other things are so stupidly minor

Heres a secret for you. There’s no such thing as nagging. ‘Nagging’ is actually a woman telling a man how she feels about something and he continues to ignore her. She tells him more than once that something is bothering her or making her feel disrespected, used as a maid in her own home, and he still chooses not to pull his weight. So no, it’s not nagging, it’s the result of not being listened to.

LemonTT · 02/10/2023 08:50

Brefugee · 01/10/2023 20:03

they are obviously not minor to the OP. Is her mental health not important?

She can and has expressed she doesn’t like it. He is simply telling her what he doesn’t like.

Gerrataere · 02/10/2023 09:03

LemonTT · 02/10/2023 08:50

She can and has expressed she doesn’t like it. He is simply telling her what he doesn’t like.

Show quote history

He doesn’t like cleaning up after himself and he doesn’t like it when it’s pointed out that he’s not cleaning up after himself. Somehow he still seems to be the problem in this situation…

OhmygodDont · 02/10/2023 09:11

The thing that amuses me is it’s nagging when a wife asks her own husband to clean up his mess or fix something he swore he would fix.

His boss isn’t nagging though when he chases up a deadline for work or kicks off because people leave the canteen a mess.

People wouldn’t need to be “nagged” if they had the common decency to be a decent human being and stick to their word of in going to fix this and then fix it, if they didn’t think house elves really existed and that’s where how all the rubbish left laying around gets dealt with.

Datgal · 02/10/2023 09:21

All these people saying she's nagging....ok. So by using that terminology, he's nagging right back!! Fucking clueless.
It's not nagging. It's called permanently not being listened to.

Datgal · 02/10/2023 09:23

Gerrataere · 02/10/2023 09:03

He doesn’t like cleaning up after himself and he doesn’t like it when it’s pointed out that he’s not cleaning up after himself. Somehow he still seems to be the problem in this situation…

Show quote history

Well yes, because we don't all have a little cleaning up fairy following us about tidying up after us do we? Well, maybe you do? Most people surely know to clean up after themselves. It shows a complete lack of respect if you leave shit for other people to do.

Gerrataere · 02/10/2023 09:25

Datgal · 02/10/2023 09:23

Well yes, because we don't all have a little cleaning up fairy following us about tidying up after us do we? Well, maybe you do? Most people surely know to clean up after themselves. It shows a complete lack of respect if you leave shit for other people to do.

Show quote history

because we don't all have a little cleaning up fairy following us about tidying up after us do we?

Women don’t. Men seem to think they do, or house elves as another poster put it.

Bivarb · 02/10/2023 09:32

"Having to clean up after yourself is making you mentally ill? Wow, that really isn't normal. You should seek psychiatric help for that. I won't be clearing up after you though, I've got my own mental health to protect"

Cockmigrant · 02/10/2023 10:26

My ex was like this.
It's a complete lack of respect for their partner and for the home environment.
Basically, they don't give a flying fuck if a nappy is left lying around or empty food packets or toilet rolls.
They know the magic house elf will appear and remove the offending items so they don't see the need to bother. But they should bother because they should also be investing in a clean and hygienic environment.
I lived with my ex for around 2.5 years before I split with him. It was just constant. Never binning the toilet roll inners or leaving empty pizza boxes on the side sound like petty examples, but they are usually the tip of the iceberg and in my ex's case it certainly was. He just expected me to provide for him in every possible way. Won't go into the story now - have talked about it many times under different usernames - but basically his "inability" to do the most basic tidying up after himself was indicative of his entire attitude to being in a relationship.

Oh and he always claimed to have depression the moment he was asked to do something he didn't want to or to actually look for a paying job...

KajsaKavat · 02/10/2023 10:59

I hear what you’re saying but either she puts up with his standard of living or she does the work he isn’t.
she is clearly nagging. It would infuriate me to live with someone liken OP, in fact j did and there was constantky something I hadn’t done or had forgotten about according to XH.

DuploTrain · 02/10/2023 11:04

I find that I get more irritated by small things/ DH’s messiness when I feel overwhelmed in general and resentful that I’m taking on more of the mental load.

When that happens we make a plan (together), and sort out the house, clean, do some batch cooking etc (both people contributing). Once I feel everything is a bit more in order the small things aren’t so annoying.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 02/10/2023 11:04

I am properly laughing at the DH supposedly being in joint charge of "when" to clean up.

If OP leaves the 2 loo rolls with 1 sheet on the cistern, what do you think will be on top of the cistern in a week's time? Nothing? Nope, 4 empty loo rolls.

In a house with 2 adults, one not doing something is leaving it for the other to do and it shows they think their time is more important.

TrashedSofa · 02/10/2023 11:06

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 02/10/2023 11:04

I am properly laughing at the DH supposedly being in joint charge of "when" to clean up.

If OP leaves the 2 loo rolls with 1 sheet on the cistern, what do you think will be on top of the cistern in a week's time? Nothing? Nope, 4 empty loo rolls.

In a house with 2 adults, one not doing something is leaving it for the other to do and it shows they think their time is more important.

Exactly, and in addition to this, when there is a 2 year old in the house there are also safety and hygiene aspects that have to be considered. The person who doesn't want pissy nappies left around where they could be picked up by a small child wins. It's not a different strokes for different folks situation.

Itsagreatdaytosavelives · 02/10/2023 11:16

what did the doctor say when he went to see them. has he let work know? I'll guarantee he hasnt been to doctor and nothing to tell work as he isnt sniping at colleagues .....

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