DH says I’m making him depressed

[UncleBunclesHouse]

After a nice family day out being somewhat spoiled with low level sniping and passive aggression, I sat DH down to ask if something was the matter.

It is, and apparently me pulling him up on things like:

• leaving a soaking nappy in DC age 2 bedroom from overnight (until 3pm when I found it), when I’d asked him to sort their bedrooms out
• leaving empty packs of food on the kitchen worktop all night
• leaving 2 toilet rolls with one sheet on, on top of the cistern, and using a new roll

…is making him mentally ill. He’s says I’m making his IBS flare up too by being on at him all the time. I probably am nagging tbh, but I honestly don’t think any of those things are unreasonable to pull someone up on? Appreciate they are all pretty minor in the grand scheme of things but annoying nonetheless. I’m not living in student accommodation anymore, it feels like that kind of level. It’s not like I’m screaming and shouting or anything when I do raise it.

AIBU?

I think you two should book a marriage counsellor to problem solve this. You get stressed out by mess and clutter, he gets stressed out by feeling he's going to get in trouble if he's not on top of meds and clutter constantly. I have been both of these people so I empathize with both of you.
There will be ways of navigating this issue as a team I think a 3rd party would help it feel like us against the problem rather than me vs you

You didn’t live in my house. My mum was a nag no two ways about it. I grew up to a constant soundtrack of her nagging about every bloody thing. My dad was a sweetheart who wouldn’t hurt a fly I felt sorry for him.

Here’s a secret for you. Men can be nags too. I had a bf who was a nag. I left after a few years because I am super intolerant of anyone, male or female, nagging me.

Sounds like he wouldn’t lift a finger without being told either. I feel sorry for your mum, having such an unsupportive family who likely thought her life was to be their keeper without a noise.

glad i'm not the only one who gets the "drawn the blinds wrong" I cannot muster up enough energy to give a shit about curtains in the morning

All i say is if you want it done "your" way, do it yourself.

That's fair enough with blinds, cups and the like. It's not fair enough with pissy nappies. There's no my way and your way with that one.

The nappy thing isn't great but the other two are just you whining.

If these are absolutely the worst crimes you can think of, I'm not surprised you're getting him down. You sound exhausting.

god absolutely not. rancid behaviour

Would you leave crisp packets all over a friends counter when visiting? Sweets over a shared desk at work? Why is it ‘whining’ when you want your shared space at home kept tidy when you wouldn’t behave like a mucky pig elsewhere ?

No, I wouldn't. But that's not a comparable analogy. This isn't a friend's house or a workplace. I wouldn't chastise myself over toilet roll cardboard in my own house. I sometimes leave recycling on my own counters overnight too.

It is literally the least big deal ever. Someone taking me to task over such a minor issue would drive me batty.

If you want to be messy in your own space that’s up to you. But when you share a space with someone and keep being unkempt or unhygienic then don’t be surprised when the person you live with becomes frustrated. Being forgetful once or twice is one thing, if you’re feeling ‘nagged’ at for the same thing over and over you’d have to start wondering if the problem is you…

Oh come off it. A roll of cardboard isn't unhygienic.

You might like things a particular way. It's fine if that's your preference. That doesn't mean that other people who don't share the same passion are comparable to farmyard animals.

I didn’t just say unhygienic.

So it’s one toilet roll. Then another one (as in the op), then that becomes a third etc. So what are the solutions in your mind?

The OP asks her husband to stop building up used toilet rolls and put them in the bin - this is nagging according to MN.

She leaves them as a protest - being passive aggressive, I mean it’s a two second job to put them in the recycling isn’t it?

OP dutifully just recycles the toilet roll. And throws away the crisps packets that failed to make it the extra few feet to the bin. And the nappy that’s long forgotten about, she can move that without needing to make a fuss about it. In fact, why doesn’t the op just do everything and spare the poor husband any more mental distress from picking up a few bits at all?

You know nothing about my family. I’d challenge you to live with my mum for a month then come back and tell me you feel sorry for her. You didn’t know my dad either so who are you to decide what he did or didn’t do! My mum would nag you just for putting a crease in a cushion or not having the curtains falling perfectly when opened. My dad would wallpaper and decorate to professional standards even though he wasn’t a professional. He never went to the pub was always home straight after work, was loyal and kind. Take your vile presumptions elsewhere!

You add a snippet of your personal experience on here to perpetuate the endless misogyny about women and ‘nagging’. Perhaps your mum is just plain abusive, or perhaps she’s so worn down by mindless household expectations it’s led to completely unreasonable expectations of others. I’m not sure what ‘did the wallpapering’ has to do with the menial tasks that most women are expected to put up with, like there’s an air of ‘and be grateful the man did a good household job for you!’.

Im sure you mother was difficult to live with. I’m also sure it didn’t come from nowhere, I’d certainly be questioning why she was/is that way. As someone who also had a very difficult and abusive mother, whilst many behaviours I couldn’t forgive I can certainly see how this world and the behaviours of others easily caused her to break. And that certainly deserves pity and understanding, if for no other reason than to learn from it.

Did you miss my earlier reply to you that men nag too! I had to leave a bf because he was an almighty nag about stupid stuff. The type of person who’d swipe their finger over a shelf to check you’d dusted it or complain you hadn’t sliced the cheese straight enough.

I’m not at all interested in your posts and won’t be responding to you again so don’t bother responding to mine.

Again, you seem to be confusing ‘nagging’ with just generally abusive behaviour. You especially don’t seem to understand an overarching situation in most domestic homes where men treat women like maids/mothers because ‘they don’t see mess’ like women are supposedly preprogrammed to do. And asking them to see general household chores is ‘nagging’ when it really is not. That women are meant to be grateful for a man generally not being shit, like buggering off down the pub all the time or doing diy and any higher expectations in the home is completely unreasonable and borderline cruel. You don’t seem to get what a strain this can have on a woman’s mental wellbeing and the want of equal pride in the home even in the smallest ways from a male partner is still seen as something almost laughable or even anger inducing from others.

But I will leave it there as obviously your experience with your parents is yours alone.

"You expecting me to behave like an adult is making me mentally ill."

Yeah, right. 😂

The idea that men "don't see mess" is more that they can see a mess but it doesn't constitute a call to action in the same way it does for many women. Women are judged much more harshly for the state of their home than men are and it is part of the socialisation of women. Men also want a clean tidy home but don't think it's their responsibility to get involved in the maintaining of it.

It's a lose lose situation for many women.