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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give partner a key?

113 replies

applecakes4 · 01/10/2023 16:26

Me and my partner don't live together but he has asked me several times now for a key to my house.

I dont really feel comfortable doing this for several reasons.

I dont have key to his place.

I am the one who is always hosting, I dont think I have been to his place for years.

Most days he will want to come to mine.

I am currently pregnant and we see hoping to find somewhere but it is proving difficult.

His reasoning is that if something happens to me he will need to gain access urgently.

We have had a rocky relationship and when I needed somewhere to stay many years ago he made it clear he didn't want me living with him.

Things are a lot better now in our relationship but I just dont feel comfortable giving him a key to my house.

OP posts:
BrightLightTonight · 01/10/2023 16:29

So you are happy to gave a child with him, but you are not prepared to give him a key to your house. Isn’t that a bit screwed up? Surely you should have been happy to have him in your home before you set about making a baby together.

LittleOwl153 · 01/10/2023 16:31

I don't want you to have a key. I'll give you one when i'm ready to do so. Stop asking.

If you're always hosting is he moving in by stealth I wonder- does he have clothes etc at yours?

Make sure he's paying child support though once baby arrives- I dont think I'd be looking at moving with him whilst you are feeling like this. Out of interest you can't find somewhere to share - who is being picky you or him?

KookyAndSpooky · 01/10/2023 16:32

I'm guessing that baby was a surprise?

Don't give him a key if you don't feel comfortable.

sodthesodoff · 01/10/2023 16:33

Why are you more comfortable having a child with him than giving him a key to your house?

Or to put it another way. Why are you having a child with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable and doesn't take no for an answer

sodthesodoff · 01/10/2023 16:33

But yeah. Don't give him a key. Tell him not to come over so much.

Maybe work out how it's going to work with the baby now.

Changedforthetoday · 01/10/2023 16:34

BrightLightTonight · 01/10/2023 16:29

So you are happy to gave a child with him, but you are not prepared to give him a key to your house. Isn’t that a bit screwed up? Surely you should have been happy to have him in your home before you set about making a baby together.

This x 10000

PandaExpress · 01/10/2023 16:35

You don't feel comfortable giving him a key to your house, but you feel comfortable having his baby? That's messed up. How's he your partner when you don't even live together? He's your boyfriend/baby daddy. Either end the relationship or commit by living together as a family. That goes for both of you.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 01/10/2023 16:35

i have no words…

dayofcheese · 01/10/2023 16:38

Don't give him a key. Consider ending the relationship while you both get used to having the baby in your lives.

Testina · 01/10/2023 16:40

When you’re just reading the rest, warming up to say, “split up” and you get to the pregnancy bit. That. All the time on here. But still - split up. Well done for not just handing over you key. Don’t.

LemonLight · 01/10/2023 16:42

Why on earth would you have a baby with someone who you weren't comfortable giving a key to your home? What did I just read.

catsnhats11 · 01/10/2023 16:44

They key isn't the real problem here...

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 01/10/2023 16:49
Confused
TomatoSandwiches · 01/10/2023 16:52

Just end it now.

Beachwalker66 · 01/10/2023 16:54

YANBU re the key but it does sound like there is other stuff going on?

GabriellaMontez · 01/10/2023 16:54

It's fine. You don't have to give him a key.

Lots of people live alone and no one has a key. He can ring the police if there's an emergency.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 01/10/2023 16:55

BrightLightTonight · 01/10/2023 16:29

So you are happy to gave a child with him, but you are not prepared to give him a key to your house. Isn’t that a bit screwed up? Surely you should have been happy to have him in your home before you set about making a baby together.

This.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 01/10/2023 16:56

What excuses has he made not to give you a key? Is he married? You're obviously together a long time as it's been years since you were at his home so if you don't trust each other enough to have keys then why are you together at all, never mind actually having a baby together? If you don't want to give him a key then don't. Give him details of your emergency contact instead if he's that worried about getting in.

He's not a partner, he's a long term casual bf by the sounds of it. Does he work? All this visiting you but you not him sounds like he might be aiming to make himself a cock lodger.

We have had a rocky relationship and when I needed somewhere to stay many years ago he made it clear he didn't want me living with him

You should have walked then.

GloriousGoosebumps · 01/10/2023 16:59

Don't feel forced to give him a key before you're ready to do so. LittleOwl153's reponse is simple and to the point.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 01/10/2023 17:17

If you're not comfortable giving him a key then absolutely DON'T! But like everyone else, I can't fathom why you're having a baby with him. Also, as someone else said, when he let you down at the point where you needed his help, he showed you what sort of person he really is. Please don't expect him to be a real father to your baby, otherwise you're going to be sadly disappointed.

theduchessofspork · 01/10/2023 17:19

You just say, - No, I’m not comfortable with you having a key.

But, given that, it is pretty odd you are having a child with him. Do you really want to move in with him.

UsingChangeofName · 01/10/2023 17:38

BrightLightTonight · 01/10/2023 16:29

So you are happy to gave a child with him, but you are not prepared to give him a key to your house. Isn’t that a bit screwed up? Surely you should have been happy to have him in your home before you set about making a baby together.

I mean.
This.
Surely, obviously, This.

olivechuu · 01/10/2023 17:39

Why are you procreating with someone who has stated he does not want to live with you and who you do not want in your home?

00100001 · 01/10/2023 17:41

Baby? Yes go for it babes.

Oh a key to my house.... err nah, too far.

Confused
AutumnAuntie · 01/10/2023 17:45

Leaving the pregnancy out of it if you don’t want to give each other keys then don’t.
When he next asks tell him it doesn’t work for you and to stop asking.

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