To not want to give partner a key?

[applecakes4]

Me and my partner don't live together but he has asked me several times now for a key to my house.

I dont really feel comfortable doing this for several reasons.

I dont have key to his place.

I am the one who is always hosting, I dont think I have been to his place for years.

Most days he will want to come to mine.

I am currently pregnant and we see hoping to find somewhere but it is proving difficult.

His reasoning is that if something happens to me he will need to gain access urgently.

We have had a rocky relationship and when I needed somewhere to stay many years ago he made it clear he didn't want me living with him.

Things are a lot better now in our relationship but I just dont feel comfortable giving him a key to my house.

There's no need to speak like that. OP is pregnant and in need of support, not assumptions and judgement.
I'm sure she's a loving mother and her child will be happy. (She might need some support in realising she really does deserve better and can set some boundaries to look after her and her baby' s needs, though!)

I thought maybe having a child together would change him and his actions towards me.

Yeah, this doesn't ever happen. This is why women are warned not to fall pregnant to feckless men, every single day.

In terms of him being a father, he has taken me to all my appointments and has offered to help towards the costs of buying baby to things.

Oh wow, father of the year "offering to help", you must be so grateful that a father is "offering to help" pay for his own child. Dear Lord.

You don’t have to give him a key if you don’t want to. Don’t let him bully you into it. Tell him you simply don’t want anyone else to have a key and to stop bloody going on about it.

People are being disrespectful and judgmental and rude - don’t give them a second thought.

@applecakes4

"I am better being single and just co-parenting with him."

Yes, absolutely.

It's taken awhile but finally you have appeared to see the light! He can wait in his car for you to come out for him to take you to the baby connected appointments. Maybe even attend the birth if you decide you want him to. But you should no longer 'let him in' and should build your life and home around just you and your child.

There are others out there in similar situations. I know of one couple whom the gf was waiting on housing so would of been stupid to give that up to find alternative accommodation with her bf. He lived with family until she got her permanent place.
She gave the spill about not wanting to live with someone because of last relationship, which is rubbish because it's also not wanting to put bf on tenancy or tell benefits.
So not properly living together officially, but he is there 6-7 days a week, she made it clear bf doesn't pay rent, I can't believe that, yes he works.
Engaged but no marriage I can't see that happening, and then went and had a baby together.
And he uses the place to have his kids over when it's his turn which he got custody to have contact with, so it's all pretty good for him I'd say!

How many nights a week does he sleep over? He's either got someone else, is a massive hoarder or very dirty
Doesn't bode well for if you eventually love together does it
Will he be taking baby there without you?

What would happen if you got out of the car and followed him into the house? Tell him you need to pee

I'm not sure bringing a baby into this dysfunction mess of a relationship where neither of you really respect each other is actually better than bringing a baby into the world as a single mother.

Personally it sounds like you need to break up and co parent.

Definitely not unreasonable. Don't give him a key. You need control over your own space in this situation. As well, think carefully about what you put on the child's birth certificate, it's a different issue but important.

Why the fuck do you allow this man into your house just because he demands it.

Tell him to sleep in his own house.

He's hiding something from you. It's really fucking weird.

You don't want the father of your child and current partner in your house?

Even worse, when you go over to his house, which you've never been in, he makes you sit outside in the car?!

What kind of a relationship is that?

I fear it's doomed.

Sorry OP, but that set-up is not healthy and it's not right.

Congrats on the baby.

I wouldn't give him a key.

It sounds like the relationship with him has run it's course and just being co parents might work best.

You can start to phase him out with saying no sometimes to him staying over.
Then work out a visitation schedule after the baby is born.

Does he pay for food or anything for all the time he stays over?

The relationship probably has run its course and thank you on the congratulations.

He will eat my food but buy his own food and take it back with him when he goes home.
He never contributes towards anything

He is messy too and treats my place as if it is his own place.

I will tell him that I don't want him to have a key and to stop coming over as it stops me sleeping and also mention the issue that I have not been to his place for years.

I think he assumes that once baby is here he will move in with me, rent his place out, and leave me to pay all the bills and look after the baby whilst he works.

Co parenting seems the best option to be honest.

He's not your 'partner'

He's your sperm donor.

tell him: I don’t want you in my space, I his should be very natural to you as you don’t want me in your space. You don’t need a key so you can look after me, you never look after me. I am looking after me by telling you you can’t stay as I can’t sleep when you’re over, you just wake me up. When baby comes I can’t afford to have you over eating my food anyway, I know you’ll pay child maintenance (ha may as well warn him that you WILL be claiming this) but babies cost a lot so I can’t support you too anymore.

Yeah, pretty much this 👆

You don't trust him. You don't love him. You don't want him to be your responsibility. All very reasonable considering the way he acts. He sounds like a selfish cocklodger.

This relationship has run its course. I'd tell him that it just isn't working for you any more but that you are sure the two of you will be able to cooperatively co-parent once the baby is here. Then prepare to go it alone.

It’s all academic now but I don’t understand why you’re having a baby with him instead of using a sperm donor, or giving yourself the chance to meet someone new. He sounds like a millstone around your neck! Now your poor child will have this loser as their father, and he’s in your life for the next time 18+ years.

Well at least now I understand why you got pregnant, although he's probably not the best choice as father material, and had you given it a bit more thought and gone the sperm donor route, you wouldn't be lumbered with this guy who it seems you don't even really like anymore.

However, that's all water under the bridge now, and it's no good worrying about it, so I'm pleased that you appear to have made some sort of a decision about the relationship having run it's course, and in your shoes, I would very definitely be telling him that at this stage you really don't want him coming to your house anymore, as not only does he disturb your sleep, but he also eats your food and uses your facilities without contributing, so if he wants to see you, he can pick you up and take you out somewhere, but other than that, you don't want him in your home, any more than he wants you in his. I would no longer be worrying about visiting his house unless you get to a point where he wants the baby to visit and stay over. At that point I would be adamant that it wouldn't be happening until you've checked it out to make sure that it's clean and suitably safe for your child.

I'm glad you're happy about your pregnancy OP, but do think you've set yourself and your child up for a lot of heartache in the next few years. I hope that's not the case, but wish you well.

I'm with the OP on this, why do a sperm donor..........

@Lieblingsessen I am also someone who was single mum from pregnancy!

I don't think 'you'll cope alone like many other women' is great advice for the post partum period which is what I was referencing- op needs to think ahead about who her support system will be - if you or some women have been able to cope with a newborn entirely alone fair enough but it's incredibly tough and you also need to prepare for birth injuries or c sections or other complications - getting to and from hospital and doing shopping and meals for first few days home - I wasn't implying she should give this man a key but for her and he baby's safety someone should have one so that they can help, in my opinion, speaking from recent experience of having a baby with a useless unreliable man.

Op you might want to consider moving in with family for the first few weeks if that's an option or having someone come to stay if possible. There's no need to martyr yourself it's so much better to have support around you. X

I agree with that I would never put him on unless you trust him not to mess up your life by controlling you- also think about him taking baby away to this mystery house without you which he'd have the right to do if on the birth certificate. Better to keep control for now and add his name on later if he earns your trust

This, congratulations!

Do not ever give him a key - unless his behaviour changes dramatically of course. As you said he treats your house as his own already, but with the baby you will want him out of your space even more.

And there is no "emergency" that would require him to have a key if you are having a normal pregnancy otherwise.

This.
He refused having you to stay. He doesn’t look after you so why should be able to be at your place when he wants using his key? Tell him the above.

Agree with PP, don't give him a key and tell him why. Congratulations on your baby! How exciting, especially after waiting so long to become a mum.

Depending on your baby, you may not need help during the first few weeks. I had a bad c-section but a very good sleepy baby so when ex left me to it, it was actually fine. I loved those early days of endless cuddles, sleep and snoozing. See how you get on. If you need help you can always ask for it.

Thanks for all the lovely replies.

It is an anxious but exciting time and to be honest I feel a lot better when I am away from him.

I am constantly exhausted and what really annoys me is how he will just start rubbing/ grabbing my belly as if he owns me.

When I have pulled him up on it he will say "* I have every right too as the baby is mine as well".

I am a person I am not a toy, at least ask if it is OK.

With the sleeping issue as well he is just so selfish and again it is all about his needs and he has even suggested I buy a double bed so he can sleep in the spare room.

I am a non smoker and he smokes and he thinks nothing of smoking next to me outside and this made me feel quite ill and left me with a sore throat on one occasion, despite telling him not to even smoke outside next too me.

But then he will proceed to tell me I should not be eating cheese as it is not good for a pregnant woman.

I just cant stand him being in my house to be honest, I always feel on edge and I can't relax.

He is helpful in other ways like he will give me lifts, fix house things, on rare occasions take me for food but in general his whole attitude stinks.

When he mentions the key next I will have to set some boundaries with him as I can just see him expecting to move in once the baby is born.

I'd say don't give but one option would be to get a lock that can be opened by an app on his phone then you are in control and can stop him immediately or (dependent on the functionality of the brand you get) set hours when he can come, so he can't turn up at 2 in the morning drunk or come during the day when you're at work.