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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give partner a key?

113 replies

applecakes4 · 01/10/2023 16:26

Me and my partner don't live together but he has asked me several times now for a key to my house.

I dont really feel comfortable doing this for several reasons.

I dont have key to his place.

I am the one who is always hosting, I dont think I have been to his place for years.

Most days he will want to come to mine.

I am currently pregnant and we see hoping to find somewhere but it is proving difficult.

His reasoning is that if something happens to me he will need to gain access urgently.

We have had a rocky relationship and when I needed somewhere to stay many years ago he made it clear he didn't want me living with him.

Things are a lot better now in our relationship but I just dont feel comfortable giving him a key to my house.

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 01/10/2023 18:00

Don’t give him a key.

Don’t host him anymore.

Don’t move in with him.

He didn’t let you stay with him when you needed him.

You owe him nothing.

Move close to your family.

Whatonearth07957 · 01/10/2023 19:01

You can give joint keys. Let you know when he's got one ready for you and you can do a transfer. Each should give a heads up before coming around and ask if that's ok.

Docke · 01/10/2023 19:04

Poor kid being brought into a world where this man is viewed as solid father material, but not a trustworthy key-holder.

MintJulia · 01/10/2023 19:12

Go with your instinct. If you feel uneasy there's a reason so don't give him a key.

His reasoning is wafer thin, and it sounds like he wants access to your electricity, your hot water, your food etc. Just tell him no, you're not comfortable with it. If he kicks off, you'll know you need to distance yourself before the baby arrives.

Lieblingsessen · 01/10/2023 19:23

For all anyone knows the baby is an unexpected surprise but the OP wants to keep it, despite having issues with the father. Not everybody considers an abortion in those circumstances. Maybe the OPs clock is running out and its now or never for a baby, even on her own. But that's her business.

So lets just focus on the key situation, without passing judgement on the OP regarding the pregnancy.

OP doesnt feel welcomed by her partner in his home, so why should she give him free reign to hers. The fact that they have been together for years but still have separate homes shows either one or both want their own space. That's okay, as long as each respects that, but it seems the partner doesn't.

So, OP if you don't want to give him a key, don't.

.

pinkyredrose · 01/10/2023 19:26

If you trust him enough to have a baby with him why doesn't he move in with you?

Wolvesart · 01/10/2023 19:31

Eeek I had a colleague who used to make her live in partner move out when she went on holiday. On holiday without him 🤔

SchoolQuestionnaire · 01/10/2023 19:35

Lieblingsessen · 01/10/2023 19:23

For all anyone knows the baby is an unexpected surprise but the OP wants to keep it, despite having issues with the father. Not everybody considers an abortion in those circumstances. Maybe the OPs clock is running out and its now or never for a baby, even on her own. But that's her business.

So lets just focus on the key situation, without passing judgement on the OP regarding the pregnancy.

OP doesnt feel welcomed by her partner in his home, so why should she give him free reign to hers. The fact that they have been together for years but still have separate homes shows either one or both want their own space. That's okay, as long as each respects that, but it seems the partner doesn't.

So, OP if you don't want to give him a key, don't.

.

This.

Just tell him no. Your home is yours and you don’t have to give him a key just because he’s demanding it. Particularly as you’ve hardly seen his place.

billy1966 · 01/10/2023 19:41

Oh OP, stay safe.

You know you are not with this user.

Listen to your gut carefully, it's desperate trying to protect you.

Lilibert456 · 01/10/2023 19:42

How bizarre. You will have a child with him but not give him a key to your house. This relationship is dead in the water. Split now and get on with your life.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/10/2023 19:51

How do you see things going longer term? I’m struggling to understand how you’ve got to this place tbh. You don’t trust him with a key, you don’t go to his, you term it “hosting”, you really properly resent him and you’re having a baby together.

Original poster
applecakes4 · 01/10/2023 21:18

I am in my mid thirties and really wanted a child before it was too late for me.

He is the one who has commitment issues.

There isn't another woman involved as he speaks/ see's me every day and he also wanted a child.

He very much wants his own space, and I feel I should be entitled to have my space as I am never invited over to his place.

I dont feel it is fair for him to have a key to come and go to my house when I don't even go to his place.

When he comes here I don't even sleep as he dosent understand how hard it is for me to sleep with a bump at 8 months pregnant.

He is up at 6am every morning and his alarm will wake me up - I like to sleep in until later - I can't see him ever putting up with this.

OP posts:
gotomomo · 01/10/2023 21:26

Sorry but you are having a baby but don't trust him with a key? Blows my mind to be honest, guessing this will be picked up by newspapers

Original poster
applecakes4 · 01/10/2023 21:30

gotomomo · 01/10/2023 21:26

Sorry but you are having a baby but don't trust him with a key? Blows my mind to be honest, guessing this will be picked up by newspapers

It is not about trust is about the principal.

I am not even invited to his place.

Why should I give him a key when I don't even go to his place let alone have a key to his.

I would be more than happy to give him my key if he gave me a key to his house - that is fair.

OP posts:
ChannelyourinnerElsa · 01/10/2023 21:35

So you’re bound to a man by having a child with him. You have mixed your DNA with his and are bringing a life into a relationship in which you don’t even visit his house, and are not confident enough to ask why, and have to come to mumsnet to check you aren’t wrong to withhold your keys?

You would have been better doing proper sperm donation. If he’s got commitment issues with you, don’t you worry he will to his child?

Lieblingsessen · 01/10/2023 21:37

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/10/2023 19:51

How do you see things going longer term? I’m struggling to understand how you’ve got to this place tbh. You don’t trust him with a key, you don’t go to his, you term it “hosting”, you really properly resent him and you’re having a baby together.

If the OP terms it as "hosting", could it be because he doesn't contribute financially to her home. Likely, if he wants to keep his own home.

TheShellBeach · 01/10/2023 21:44

Golly, OP, are you quite sure he lives alone?
Why have you never been to his house?

Greengrassohla · 01/10/2023 21:49

Of course you shouldn’t give him a key!

Original poster
applecakes4 · 01/10/2023 21:51

TheShellBeach · 01/10/2023 21:44

Golly, OP, are you quite sure he lives alone?
Why have you never been to his house?

When we first began a relationship I would visit his house lot.

Yeah he defo lives alone.

When he needs to go to his place he will just leave me outside to sit in the car.

Even when I temporarily moved of of the area and would visit him, I would have to book hotels. He clearly does not want me in his place.

It is a very strange situation but I am getting fed up of him always demanding to come over.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 01/10/2023 21:55

So how’s it going to work once you’ve had the baby? Is the baby ever going to his place?

Why is he staying over if it means you can’t sleep?

What can’t you see him putting up with?

I don’t think you get how completely bizarre the whole thing sounds. If you felt your clock was ticking and you just wanted a baby there were other options than this bloke you don’t seem to like very much.

Therealjudgejudy · 01/10/2023 21:58

This relationship is doomed

sodthesodoff · 01/10/2023 21:59

Honestly this is madness

But you wanted a kid. So here we are. Focus on your child

The man is a head fuck. I don't even know why you're bothering.

Temporaryname158 · 01/10/2023 22:00

This is all very strange. He has a place but you can’t stay and had to book hotels and now y
ou live closer you can’t visit and wait in the car.

stop this silliness. Have a final word with him explaining how ridiculous this is. I Can see why you won’t give a key. It is the principal of the matter that he expects to be welcomed at yours but you can’t step over the threshold!

if he won’t behave in a normal fashion I think you need to leave him

kamboozled · 01/10/2023 22:07

Are you pregnant with his child? If so, what a bizarre order you're living your life in....

Well anyway, I'm sorry about the relationship but congrats on the baby.

JerkintheMerkin · 01/10/2023 22:09

How do you definitely know he lives alone if you haven't been in his house for so long? Any sane person's first thought would be it's because he lives with someone considering his flat out refusal to let you ever come there. Also why can't you just say no more coming round to yours unless it's reciprocated and see how that pans out. Getting all upset about the key situation is not the problem in all of this at all.

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