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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give partner a key?

113 replies

applecakes4 · 01/10/2023 16:26

Me and my partner don't live together but he has asked me several times now for a key to my house.

I dont really feel comfortable doing this for several reasons.

I dont have key to his place.

I am the one who is always hosting, I dont think I have been to his place for years.

Most days he will want to come to mine.

I am currently pregnant and we see hoping to find somewhere but it is proving difficult.

His reasoning is that if something happens to me he will need to gain access urgently.

We have had a rocky relationship and when I needed somewhere to stay many years ago he made it clear he didn't want me living with him.

Things are a lot better now in our relationship but I just dont feel comfortable giving him a key to my house.

OP posts:
Original poster
applecakes4 · 01/10/2023 22:14

Yes it is a very bizarre situation.

For about three years he told me "I don't know what he want" and kept me hanging and every time I tried to cut off contact and move on he would lure me back in.

In hindsight I should of left him a long time ago really but was in love with him at one stage.

He wasted so many years of my life.

I know it's my fault for not being strong enough to just cut him off completely.

I just find him so draining to deal with, maybe it is my pregnancy hormones.

He will demand to sleep over knowing full well I cannot sleep with him in the bed.

I will then sleep in the day and be awake at night.

I will just be honest with him and tell him how I feel the next time he asks about a key.

OP posts:
Keepingthingsinteresting · 01/10/2023 22:15

applecakes4 · 01/10/2023 21:51

When we first began a relationship I would visit his house lot.

Yeah he defo lives alone.

When he needs to go to his place he will just leave me outside to sit in the car.

Even when I temporarily moved of of the area and would visit him, I would have to book hotels. He clearly does not want me in his place.

It is a very strange situation but I am getting fed up of him always demanding to come over.

Show quote history

He makes you wait outside in the car? That’s outrageous- what does he say when you call him on it?

on the question, absolutely don’t let him have a key. I do think you are mad to be having a kid with him though and should rethink the relationship.

MrsMarzetti · 01/10/2023 22:19

And the pair of you have decided to bring a child into this clusterfuck ! Bloody disgraceful. Poor child.

SVFXHMX42 · 01/10/2023 22:20

Well you've made your bed. You wanted a child more than you want commitment and respect from your partner, so I suppose you just have to suck it up. I hope it's worth it.

savethatkitty · 01/10/2023 22:23

Why are you having a baby with this person? Seriously scratches head.

A key to your home is the least of your worries

Original poster
applecakes4 · 01/10/2023 22:25

I'm not really understanding the comments about my pregnancy.

This baby is very loved and wanted and will always come first.

Loads of single women use sperm donors is that disgraceful too?
Why am I any different for wanting a child?

At least I didn't go out and have one night stand with some random guy.

I am not a bad person and have just as much love to offer a child much as the next person.

OP posts:
sodthesodoff · 01/10/2023 22:30

Fuck me. If you can't see the difference between exposing your child to this absolute shit storm and a sperm donor you have some serious problems...

kamboozled · 01/10/2023 22:33

I am in my mid thirties and really wanted a child before it was too late for me.

You know, yeah, actually I can understand this. I cut it fine myself and just got lucky that I found a prince instead of a frog. Anyway, tell him clearly that you need to be at my property more and you need to exchange keys - when you're both comfortable.

When I was first dating my husband he kept coming to mine and wouldn't let me even SEE where he lived. I was crystal clear with him, sent a text along the lines of:

"In order for me to take this relationship seriously I need to see your home and the way you live" He lived far away, so he bought me over and I spent the whole weekend there - it's now my home too. 🙂

You've just got to be direct and to the point, without being afraid of the relationship ending if he rejects your request

ISeeARedDoorAndIWantToBreakIn · 01/10/2023 22:48

Do you actually want to be in a relationship with him, or would you prefer just to co-parent?

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/10/2023 22:54

You loved him at one point 🤦‍♀️

I don’t believe for a second you don’t understand the comments about your pregnancy. Be reasonable.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/10/2023 22:56

ISeeARedDoorAndIWantToBreakIn · 01/10/2023 22:48

Do you actually want to be in a relationship with him, or would you prefer just to co-parent?

Doesn’t sound like she wants either. She’s got the baby and she doesn’t love or even like him.

Fair enough, he sounds weird and awful. But a sperm donor or one night stand would have been more honest.

Bellyblueboy · 01/10/2023 22:58

This is such a deeply odd situation.

you don’t seem to live this man, he clearly doesn’t love you. You wanted a baby so had one with whoever was about at the time.

this man won’t let you into his house.

how will this work when the baby comes along? Will be baby be allowed into his house (assume it’s either squalor or there is a girlfriend there).

will he support the baby? Sounds like you will doing this alone.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/10/2023 22:59

applecakes4 · 01/10/2023 22:25

I'm not really understanding the comments about my pregnancy.

This baby is very loved and wanted and will always come first.

Loads of single women use sperm donors is that disgraceful too?
Why am I any different for wanting a child?

At least I didn't go out and have one night stand with some random guy.

I am not a bad person and have just as much love to offer a child much as the next person.

What's your plan for when baby arrives? You'll need help and support- him or someone else?

OhComeOnFFS · 01/10/2023 23:02

He wasted so many years of my life.

Don't let him waste another minute of your life.

When he's at your house, does he contribute towards food and bills?

crumblingschools · 01/10/2023 23:05

Why did you think he would be a good father?

AFieldGuideToTrees · 01/10/2023 23:07

OP, I understand your need for a baby.

But why does this man have to appear in your life other than as father to the baby?

The whole set up is weird and you don't want him around, so dump him, be stronger this time, don't give in to the pleadings of someone you don't want in your home.

Definitely don't give him a key.

It's so unfair on your child to bring them into this relationship. It will affect them from the beginning.

CountessKathleen · 01/10/2023 23:14

applecakes4 · 01/10/2023 22:25

I'm not really understanding the comments about my pregnancy.

This baby is very loved and wanted and will always come first.

Loads of single women use sperm donors is that disgraceful too?
Why am I any different for wanting a child?

At least I didn't go out and have one night stand with some random guy.

I am not a bad person and have just as much love to offer a child much as the next person.

A ONS would suggest better judgement than this semi-detached mess. Are you planning for this man who lets you sit in the car outside his house rather than enter, doesn’t respect your boundaries, and whom you don’t trust enough to give a key to to be on your baby’s birth certificate? If you don’t trust him with a key, will you trust him to look after your baby?

Isittimeformynapyet · 01/10/2023 23:17

applecakes4 · 01/10/2023 21:51

When we first began a relationship I would visit his house lot.

Yeah he defo lives alone.

When he needs to go to his place he will just leave me outside to sit in the car.

Even when I temporarily moved of of the area and would visit him, I would have to book hotels. He clearly does not want me in his place.

It is a very strange situation but I am getting fed up of him always demanding to come over.

Show quote history

Is he a hoarder? Or lives like a pig and is ashamed of his place? Might it smell of dead bodies?

Making you wait in the car makes me SO curious 🤔

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 01/10/2023 23:31

If you were wanting to be a single parent then I’d get why you’re having the baby.

But surely you can see that it’s a really unhealthy dynamic to raise a child in.

seriously, end it now and at least raise the child with clear boundaries on the relationship.

Lieblingsessen · 01/10/2023 23:32

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/10/2023 22:59

What's your plan for when baby arrives? You'll need help and support- him or someone else?

Show quote history

Ha ha. Haven't you seen, or read about it on this site that you can be a single parent without living with the father. A lot of us did it and will continue to do it.

Not everyone lives the perfect mumsnet life of partner, kids, well paid jobs and lovely house in desirable neighbourhood.

OP, having read your updates, you should not only not give him a key to your house, you should deny him access to your home also.

You are not allowed in his house, so tell him he is no longer welcome in yours. Don't waste anymore of your life with him. Instead concentrate on the last stages of your pregnancy and prepare to welcome your baby which I'm sure will be showered with love from you and others around you. You will cope by yourself as many women have done.

If he wants a relationship with his child let him, but it doesn't mean he has a right to to any romantic relationship with you ever again.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 01/10/2023 23:39

Oh goodness my mind is wondering why you're not allowed in his house:

  1. Hoarder/lives in squalor
  2. Serial killer and uses his house to dismember the bodies
  3. Child abductor and has children chained up inside

Oh goodness, either way, continue to deny him a key to yours, and additionally, I would no longer let him sleep over while you're pregnant. If you're struggling to sleep because of him then tell him no or just don't let him in, he's no key after all! You NEED your sleep for energy to get through labour...

AlltheFs · 01/10/2023 23:39

What an appalling thing to do to a child. The pair of you should be thoroughly ashamed to have created this situation deliberately. What a car crash of a life before they are even born.

You both sound as awful as each other. Dysfunctional and toxic. What a delightful environment, and how to not model normal relationships and behaviours.

It’s marginally excusable in a teenager, absolutely reprehensible in a grown adult.

Original poster
applecakes4 · 01/10/2023 23:39

I am just as confused as everyone else on this thread.

His reasoning, thinking and behaviour has puzzled me for years.

We have been together 10 years.
We started trying for a baby pretty much straight away.

The relationship was perfect up until about the 5 year mark.

I never got pregnant in all those years and I genuinely believed I would never become a mothers
My fertility tests were normal and I was diagnosed with "unexplained fertility".

We both really wanted a child, I felt as if I had invested too much to walk away and plus with being in my 30s I really didnt think I would meet anyone, let alone have a child.

He was the only feasible option.

When I fell pregnant I was just so happy and grateful to be given a chance to be a mother.
I literally couldn't believe it when I saw those pink lines and I still can't believe it now.

I thought maybe having a child together would change him and his actions towards me.

In terms of him being a father, he has taken me to all my appointments and has offered to help towards the costs of buying baby to things.

I am better being single and just co parenting with him.

OP posts:
GirlOfTudor · 01/10/2023 23:41

Wait, you're pregnant with his baby and you don't live with him, haven't been to his house in years and don't want him to have a key to your house?!?! You were in a desperate situation years ago and he refused to let you live with him?! You're his side chick.

GirlOfTudor · 01/10/2023 23:53

I've just read your updates... you're definitely his side chick. He makes you sit outside in the car instead of popping in to his house and you had to spend money on hotels to visit him when you moved away. This is insane. I'm even more convinced that you're the side chick now.