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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to give partner a key?

113 replies

applecakes4 · 01/10/2023 16:26

Me and my partner don't live together but he has asked me several times now for a key to my house.

I dont really feel comfortable doing this for several reasons.

I dont have key to his place.

I am the one who is always hosting, I dont think I have been to his place for years.

Most days he will want to come to mine.

I am currently pregnant and we see hoping to find somewhere but it is proving difficult.

His reasoning is that if something happens to me he will need to gain access urgently.

We have had a rocky relationship and when I needed somewhere to stay many years ago he made it clear he didn't want me living with him.

Things are a lot better now in our relationship but I just dont feel comfortable giving him a key to my house.

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 02/10/2023 11:57

Will he smoke round the baby once it's born?

MaryJanesonabreak · 02/10/2023 12:05

I would start the separating process straight away. If he thinks that as soon as the baby is born, he is going to move his messy, smoking cocklodging arse in with you, best shut that down right now.
Let him know he will not be having a key. Can you imagine: you’ve just settled your newborn, had a snack yourself and falling asleep and he barges in and wakes you both up.
Is he the type who is going to bring you take-aways post-partum, run the vacuum round, get the laundry on, take the baby for a walk so you can catch up on sleep? Have a think about how you want that to pan out.
If he’s a giant hassle , he needs to be around a lot less and at your convenience.

GasPanic · 02/10/2023 12:15

Clearly doesn't want you in his space for some reason, and maybe the key is because he wants to install himself in yours.

Question is why.

jeaux90 · 02/10/2023 12:32

Hey OP I'm a lone parent and I'll be honest you also sound happier on your own.

I'd definitely talk about co-parenting with him, get some boundaries in place and stop him sleeping over.

And definitely don't give him a key.

ButterCrackers · 02/10/2023 12:47

Him smoking around you when you’re a non smoker and pregnant is disgraceful. How selfish.

twostraws · 02/10/2023 12:57

Having read all your posts, OP, it sounds as if the underlying issue is you don’t want to give your “partner” a key because he’s not really your partner and you know it. Which is perfectly OK as you seem to have accepted the reality of being a single parent!

I wouldn’t give him a key, even if he gave you one. You don’t trust him coming and going from your home, and you don’t want to feel permanently unsettled when you have a little one to take care of. Follow your gut. Don’t give him a key ‘to be nice.’

AcrossthePond55 · 02/10/2023 13:14

@applecakes4

Why do you feel you have to wait until he asks for a key before you end a relationship that is definitely NOT working for you? How much of his other shit will you have to deal with before then?

I'd tell him now that any 'romantic' relationship with you is over and going forward the two of you will strictly be 'friends who are coparenting'. If he walks away you'll know he would never have truly been there for you or the baby when the going got tough and that he was just looking to cocklodge his way to 'daddyhood'.

Mangolover123 · 02/10/2023 13:56

End the relationship, bring up the child on your own.
This will never be a loving environment for your child s this man does not make you feel loved.
Move on.

Naunet · 02/10/2023 15:53

Docke · 01/10/2023 19:04

Poor kid being brought into a world where this man is viewed as solid father material, but not a trustworthy key-holder.

The same could be said for him, he’s not given her a key either, but he also hasn’t even had her at his place for years. Utterly bizarre relationship.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 02/10/2023 16:54

No, he does not have a right to paw at your abdomen just because he is the father of the baby growing inside of your uterus. And it is alarming that he thinks that he can touch you as he pleases despite you making it clear not to.

He smokes around you then tries to dictate your diet when pregnant - this is selfish and controlling.

You are always on edge when he is in your home - this shows you how unhealthy this 'relationship' is.

Helpful in other ways - a taxi firm can give you lifts, a handyman can fix house things, you can buy your own takeaway - these are not reasons to stay in a relationship with this man.

Look @applecakes4 , I think we all know here that you should not be in a relationship with this man for one second longer. Do not wait until he brings up the key thing again. Just simply tell him that you have decided you'd rather remain friends and co-parent instead, and that you no longer want him in staying over in your home again. Don't give in to any pleading etc. Stand firm.

Remember, you're happier when he's not around. This speaks volumes!

This man has no boundaries. 🚩🚩🚩

exteacher93 · 02/10/2023 17:08

If you don't want to give him a key, then don't. Normal people don't add this much pressure to others to do what they want.

I'd be having a real think about whether you should be with this person, or whether you should work on co-parenting.

pinkyredrose · 02/10/2023 18:39

What a cunt he is. Dump him.

ISeeARedDoorAndIWantToBreakIn · 02/10/2023 18:43

@applecakes4 He will eat my food but buy his own food and take it back with him when he goes home.
He never contributes towards anything
**
He is messy too and treats my place as if it is his own place.

it’s time for him to go. He might turn out to be a good father, but he’s a rubbish partner.

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