Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

[EmsHugs]

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

You're being vvvu. I acquired a step child and her mother and I had talked to retain the continuity of care

A rather wild ride. Wish you all the best, OP. MN will be here if you need to process anything in the future.

So op and her ex split 18 months ago, but were back and forth for a few months after that.

He started seeing gf a year ago, so a few (not many) months after he stopped going back and forth with op.

He had an 18 month old child and a 5/6 yr old child whose home he's left - but still stays over in to look after kids etc.
He's not divorced or even started proceedings.

He left at least in part due to being dissatisfied with their sex life, even thought they had a child under 2 and another young child.

Not sure when he told his kids about his gf but let's say it was when they went official - so 4/5 months; now he wants to have her take them with him on family style outings and trips. Shortly after meeting her.
She - it sounds like - has no kids of her own and, if she's typical, will be wanting to have her own kids by him and these kids will be forced into cohabitation and a blended family with their Dad whether they'd like it or not.
He's bound to have been aware of that likelihood when he chose a 30s woman with no kids.

He's passing on letters of this nature to his kids Mum from his 4/5 month official gf who's not met the kids - but is going to be thrown into their lives with family days out and trips away imminently. Even though he can care for his own kids apparently. And even though a new gf they've only just met shouldn't be involved in their discipline or bedtimes etc.

If all this is the behaviour of an "excellent" father - I think we can safely say our expectations are fucked.

Good luck to the op.

@GilbertMarkham oh crawl back into your cave! The projection on this site is vile! You know nothing of me or my ex and the assumptions you make about us all are astounding.
I do not need your luck thanks.

Christ this is toxic. How do I delete this thread. Getting sick fed up now of all these people who don't take the time to read all the posts but then jump in with their two cents worth.

To the contrary, you do.

Good luck.

I still think she was far off the mark, but as said earlier there seems to be a collective gaslighting telling the OP her reaction was off and the girlfriends approach was absolutely amazing and wonderful.
I think that would have clouded the OPs response.

Also as for saying you wouldn't entertain the list...The only thing I wouldn't 'entertain' is.

Discourage her from pouting and over posing for photos. We have happy smiling faces.

And I think the thing about movie night is OTT. Movie night is something both households should have the option of doing. But that's on the dad to sort out or overrule the OP on and just have one himself.

The rest of the stuff is in relation to food/drink etc that makes her hyper, dealing with tantrums when she wants to be bought stuff, the TV rules (which I think are strict, but OP also has those rules in her house) and then intimate things. I would be perfectly ok following all of those.

The things about collecting the kids from nursery and school etc. I would be perfectly ok following those at the start until some time had passed

I still think she was far off the mark, but as said earlier there seems to be a collective gaslighting telling the OP her reaction was off and the girlfriends approach was absolutely amazing and wonderful.
I think that would have clouded the OPs response.

Well you call it " collective gaslighting " 😆 I call it a different opinion.

Hahaha welcome to mumsnet where people read A B C and extrapolate to X Y Z 😂

OP decided not to send the letter with the detailed list.

She decided on something a bit more casual since her Ex will be doing the parenting.

*To the contrary, you do.

Good luck.*

Honestly get a life, where you don't explain strangers lives to them and then insist they have your blessing.

God alive.

I am a SM and I find this a bit weird. My husband told me everything I needed to know about parenting routines etc. when I met my DSD and I wouldn't have wanted to meet his ex at that time cause frankly she was a bit...volatile at the time. (I wasn't OW in any way, shape or form though and they have been separated about 3 years).

On the other hand, I can see the argument that she may feel that she is showing respect to you by asking you these sorts of questions.. often if you look on MN people do tell sm's /gfs off for not communicating with the kid's mum...Personally I think it really depends on how amicable the spilt was and the wider context.

@sunglassesonthetable
Yeah a weird internet opinion which definitely doesn't reflect on real life at all.

In real life the vast majority would think the girlfriend was OTT, and that the OP was right to feel how she felt. Also the OPs reaction was very measured but there was a loud echo of YABU or YABVU which is not reflective of what she'd hear in real life at all.

That letter! Dear God. No wonder exH advised her to ask you. I honestly had no idea that amount of micromanaging was possible. She really has an impossible job keeping her distance whilst also being requested to 'support dd with homework and make sure exH signs homework diary'.

Ah. Phew! Sounds like despite being 'batshit' MN have actually helped this situation a lot.

In real life the vast majority would think the girlfriend was OTT, and that the OP was right to feel how she felt. Also the OPs reaction was very measured but there was a loud echo of YABU or YABVU which is not reflective of what she'd hear in real life at all.

Sorry @Panaa don't agree. I think there's more nuance. I think the approach from Gf was heavy handed but there was nothing to be gained by falling out over it.

Irritation is the right word here. Recognising the good intentions and moving forward from there seems a good idea to me. That seems to be what OP has done.

I think the "collective gaslighting" thing is total nonsense. It's just people disagreeing .

Yup.

I've flagged that up at least once but it seems to have gone over peoples' heads. 🙄

OP and hubby haven't even started divorce proceedings yet and appear to have no formal arrangements in place re custody, maintenance and visitation.

Talk about "running before you can walk" !

@Panaa there's no collective gaslighting, people just disagree with you.

I wouldn't be entertaining her demands about where I can sleep/providing intimate care, that would be up to my DP to decide as equal parent.

I wouldn't take the GFs approach and think it is way too much, but I also don't think it's particularly worth damning a person over asking their DPs ex what her demands are when it turns out that yes, they do in fact have a list of demands.

I don't think many (or any) suggested falling out over it.

Personally I wouldn't have and would have responded and said "I very much appreciate you asking and for now I'd love you just to be warm and friendly as you're getting to know them and being introduced into their lives, and leave the 'parenting' up to their dad, but of course in future as you become a bigger part of their lives we can discuss discipline/bedtime etc".

Nope. It is gaslighting because people are telling the OP that her normal, valid and measured response is wrong or unreasonable.

As I said to another poster, It is gaslighting because people are telling the OP that her normal, valid and measured response is wrong or unreasonable..

And as a new girlfriend, you wouldn't be sleeping in my childs bed if you were with my ex. I would fight that all the way.

Unrelated strangers shouldn't be in the bed with children....even if the parent deems it ok. Fair enough later on if there is an established close relationship but early on when the relationship between the couple is only relatively new and there is no actual stepparent/child bond? fuck that

Also anyone who would do that with kids they barely know is not thinking about the kids best interests. Poor kids.

Well I would assume that most parents would have a list of demands if a stranger basically told them they were going to be parenting their child and asked how to do it. Better she parents the OPs way rather than her own way 😅

Nope. It is gaslighting because people are telling the OP that her normal, valid and measured response is wrong or unreasonable.

Sigh. Nope. It's only gaslighting if you know she's actually correct, but you keep telling her she's wrong.

Do you think the people telling OP she BU
secretly think she's being NBU.

The whole of AIBU should be called PleaseGaslightMe and MN should be GasNet.

Do apologise @ladypenelopesfan my seperation is not to your liking. As outlined in a previous post there is a reason why we have no started divorce proceedings. As for formal arrangements we have it written down albeit not under lawyers etc. Our arrangements suit us fine, and they remain fine. The big issue was not being aware of a gf and suddenly getting this letter.
With a bit of retrospect given my children's age, health issues and that I had an issue in the past with the nanny doing things, I understand why my ExH gf has got I touch.
@napody the letter you refer to is my first draft, I have since drafted a second message which I have sent and had a response to.

GF has already expressed a hope she didn't overstep but just is just a belts and braces type of person and that is okay by me. She is aware now ExH didn't tell me about her explicitly so while she knew of me, I did not know of her, so to all intents and purposes I am a few months behind in getting up to speed with my relationship. ExH apologised for not being clearer about that.
We are moving forward. I am going to be meeting them for a coffee and then we will all go to the park.

Unrelated strangers shouldn't be in the bed with children....even if the parent deems it ok. Fair enough later on if there is an established close relationship but early on when the relationship between the couple is only relatively new and there is no actual stepparent/child bond? fuck that

stop projecting. Noone said that's going to happen.

Public or collective gaslighting. Many women experience the effects of public gaslighting, also called collective gaslighting, when statements by a public figure or an ordinary person that are widely shared on social media can lead women as a collective to second-guess themselves.

The majority opinion being shared on here is not reflective of real life. There is definitely a lot on here with an agenda who slate mothers and hail or SM as saints or say SM damned if you do and damned if you don't so you might as well do whatever suits you.

I've seen many mothers on here with measured valid concerns about stuff to do with the women involved in their kids lives and they get berated........but in real life compared to MN, opinions are completely reversed.

Mothers are often made to second guess themselves on here even though what they want is considered best practice for how to deal with co-parenting situations, versus what the ex and the girlfriend do which is generally considered the wrong way to go about it.

*I don't think many (or any) suggested falling out over it.

Personally I wouldn't have and would have responded and said "I very much appreciate you asking and for now I'd love you just to be warm and friendly as you're getting to know them and being introduced into their lives, and leave the 'parenting' up to their dad, but of course in future as you become a bigger part of their lives we can discuss discipline/bedtime etc".*

Did you even read the letter OP sent @Panaa ?

It's so similar 🙄

Clearly responded to a post saying

I wouldn't be entertaining her demands about where I can sleep/providing intimate care, that would be up to my DP to decide as equal parent.

😂