To think that 'looks don't matter ' is a complete lie

[Petunia90]

It's just something people say, alongside 'money isn't everything '. However they absolutely do matter. They might not be #1 priority, but I'd be very surprised if anyone chose their partner without any consideration for how they looked. We're judged on looks all the time, rightly or wrongly, whether that be in relationships, job interviews and so on.

The current thread on Peter Crouch and Abbey Clancy is a good example. Most people are convinced she only loves him for his money, that she wouldn't possibly be with him if he weren't a rich footballer, because he doesn't look like Cristiano Ronaldo or David Beckham.
Similarly, people are outraged that Peter cheated on someone as beautiful as Abbey, they are horrified that attractive people are cheated on, and state that if 'they' get cheated on, there's no hope for the rest of us.
It's almost devaluing people who are conventionally less attractive and implying that it's more acceptable to cheat on them.

I don’t know anyone who says “looks don’t matter”. Of course they matter, there are whole industries built on them and gorgeous people are obviously at an advantage.

However, attraction isn’t solely built on how good looking someone is and people have different ideas about what is good looking anyway.

It helps anyone to have an advantage over most ordinary folk, be it sporting prowess, gifted in some way, brains, wit, charm, style, wealth. Looks are the most immediately noticeable advantage and affect the way people treat you instantly.

So of course looks are big but most people are just ordinary and get along in life just fine so they are not the be all and end all.

Yes absolutely, it is very subjective and most people as you say are ordinary.
I can just see so much bias in the Peter and Abbey thread. It's always 'how could he cheat on her'. Whether that's Cheryl Cole, Jennifer Lopez and so on, people seem to have this idea that if you're very attractive nobody could ever want to cheat.

I was thinking the other day that I must be so shallow because I always notice other people's sizes on a beach/swimming pool.

So many people say "no one is looking at you OP in your swim costume" if someone posts how big they feel. I defy anyone not to notice others, unless you live in a vaccum.

So I agree with you @Petunia90 looks do matter and we all judge others even if it's just a fleeting thought

Yes and no. For initial attraction, yes. But once you fall deeply in love with somebody, how they actually look doesn't matter. I genuinely believe my DH of 20 odd years is drop dead gorgeous and is 10/10 in the looks department. Is it true? I really don't know, its how I see him. I dont pick friends or anybody else by how they look. Apart from initial attraction of a potential partner, I doubt looks matter that much. In certain industries you'd get further by looks and I suppose exceptionally good looking people might have more doors opened for them. But for the other 99% of the population, I don't see how it matters that much.

I have three gorgeous children (not just my opinion!) in their 20s and not one of them has ever had a relationship.

Its a long observed phenomenon that people are attracted to "good looks".

We all know how subjective looks are, but there does seem to exist those folks who attract all and sundry with their aesthetics, like Sylar telekinetically pulling Peter across the room.

I think often it has to do with facial symmetry, you can be average looking even but if you have a symmetrical face you will likely still magnetize some.

You can also be "good looking" in the wrong way, and be alienated for that.

For example, I am a 31 yr old male, I consider myself good looking but I have large oval feminine eyes and very boyish features, when I'm clean shaven I look like a 17yr old boy on his way to school (albeit with a couple of forehead wrinkles if you look up close) it's a good job I'm bisexual because women just want to pinch my cheeks and have zero lust for me and men see me as soft/gay/unfriendable.

Life isn't Gwyneth Paltrow, it's imperfect and flawed like the status quo value system.

True beauty comes from within.

if you have ever been considered "attractive" and then you "lose your looks"
for example become overweight ,
the difference in how people treat you is horrifying
I'm starting to think it is just a human trait, we like beautiful things

Wait has Peter Crouch cheated on Abbey Clancy? What have I missed?!

It was in 2010, he allegedly cheated on her with a 19 year old prostitute.

Oh right an old thing.

Yup - and definitely, definitely not just men!

Yep, I'm another one who went from being conventionally 'quite' attractive to 'very', and then to 'not'. The differences in how I was perceived and treated, with each change, was too great and too pervasive to be ignored.

It's certainly true, though, that looks aren't everything. An attractive personality can compensate, as can a very individual style. Depends what you want to achieve/portray. Of course there are also beautiful people with panache and charisma - but not too many of 'em, fortunately 😄

The thing with being the fat person on the beach - or the shapeless old person typing this - is to remember life is not a beauty contest. Sure, it sometimes feels like one but nobody's forced to enter the parade! There are other types of contest - and there's always the reasonable option of just getting on with having a nice day regardless.

I have never been attracted to what people refer to as 'good looking' in Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth but there is a certain genuine smile and the ability to make me laugh and being nice to retail staff (first thing I noticed about my now husband)

In a genuine non 'charming/smarmy' way, people who have a presence about them of normallness

I don't get this 'oh why would they cheat with them they are not as good looking as me', Why do people assume cheating is on looks?

Another thing I notice is the first thing I read about posters on here talking of their children is girls are called 'beautiful' and boys 'good looking' before anything else is mentioned about them

Looks have a lot of meaning, it's hard wired into us. Darwin always said that it was sexual selection much more than the whole 'survival of the fittest' that was the real driver of evolution. You choose your mate based on who looks the fittest, strongest, most attractive, hence why often the male in a species is more colourful or ornamented.

So, by your lights, objectively ugly people would never find a partner and that is just not true. Some of the most interesting people I know are and always have been very far from beautiful looking and they have handsome and loving husbands

Try losing 50kg after surgery! Its like going from being a combination of invisible and hyper visible (in a bad way) to being treated like a normal person to being treated better thatveven that after a new wardrobe. I am so glad I went against MN and had surgery, and even omg in Turkey, and I am glad I went against mn and had some fillers etc. Like money, it doesn't automatically make you happy bit it makes life a hell of a lot easier to navigate.

Definitely.
If you're old and overweight people make big assumptions about you

I don’t know anyone who says “looks don’t matter”.

Search topic ugly woman, right here on MN.
And see how ugly women are gaslighted.
Seriously, have a look-see.
It’s filled with there is no ugly people, looks don’t matter, this is in your head or a condifence issue, it’s the ’inner beauty 🙄 that a truly matters….

Go see, seriously,

HelloItsMeHowAreYou · Today 02:11

I was thinking the other day that I must be so shallow because I always notice other people's sizes on a beach/swimming pool.

So many people say "no one is looking at you OP in your swim costume" if someone posts how big they feel. I defy anyone not to notice others, unless you live in a vaccum.

Yes - I agree.

There was a pp on a thread a while ago who stated the exact opposite view to this (that you shouldn't worry because NO-ONE is even looking, never mind judging you). I thought then 'What planet is this person on??' but didn't want to spoil their very optimistic world-view by disagreeing!!

It depends what you mean by 'matter'. Yes, people will choose partners partly on the basis of looks. But looks don't matter in the sense that once you've chosen a partner, their looks aren't central to what is good or bad about the relationship, unlike lots of other traits or baggage.

I am really shallow internally.
I notice all kinds of negative things about others. The current thing I keep noticing is to the extent many of my friends seem to have turned 40 and decided just to completely let themselves to go.
I would never dream of saying any of these shallow thoughts I have out loud to people, but also if I, someone who does strive to be a kind person, have these thoughts then I am pretty sure a lot of people do and everyone just pretends noone does.

I really don’t think this is true.
A lot of people put up with lot of crap to keep a partner.
Of course partly it could be just so that they don’t have to be alone.
But good looking people do get away with a lot of bad behaviour.

Also, I don’t really understand this, at first looks are important, but once in a relaotionship it’s bot that big of a deal: doesn’t that just translate that looks matter very much and if you don’t got it, you won’t get a relationship.

Also just MN, there’s a lot if threads of people complaining about their partners ’losing their looks’.

Different things matter to different people, attractiveness can be subjective and also varies within different cultures/countries. I also think that aome of the beauty trends in the UK are shifting too much toward 'fake beauty" - each to their own with make up etc, as long as it is 'your own' and not just bowing to conform.