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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To secretly take the medication

114 replies

FiveStarHedgehog · 29/09/2023 10:36

TW - depression/PND

I have struggled with anxiety and depression since my teenage years. This got much worse after multiple miscarriages/stressful TTC and peaked after the birth of our second child where I had such bad PND/postnatal OCD that I wouldn’t leave the house. I am now 32.

I have always managed with CBT/counselling/lifestyle and kept my head above water.

I have recently had another bout of things being quite bad, although I am functional. I have finally decided that maybe it is time to try the medication my doctor has been suggesting for a while now.

the big problem is, DH is very anti medication. He has a very old fashioned view of it - he thinks all the things that are not necessarily true eg. It will change your personality, you’ll become addicted… understandably because his friends mum had a terrible experience with this sort of medication which ended tragically.

he will not budge. I’ve said if I am 90% there and the medication just makes up for that 10% wouldn’t that be great? He says “maybe you are just made to function at that level”

I love him and understand his concern but I really think this is the right step forward for me at this point.

WIBU to just get medication and not say anything? I take other things for health issues anyway so he wouldn’t realise. I wouldn’t lie if he questioned it but if I just say nothing and get on with it?

OP posts:
Lamelie · 29/09/2023 10:37

You’re not being unreasonable to take it. He’s being very unreasonable.
Flowers

Sugarfish · 29/09/2023 10:38

Why don’t you just tell him you’re taking it? It’s not up to him what medication you go on and why should his beliefs trump your needs. If he doesn’t like it, tough!

Shortpoet · 29/09/2023 10:40

The medication you take is between you and your doctor.

Is he against all medication. If he was in pain would he take a pain killer, or is it just medication for depression that he is against. Not that it really matters. What matters is what is right for you.

Original poster
FiveStarHedgehog · 29/09/2023 10:40

I do understand his concerns after his tragic experience and I don’t want it to seem like his worries are not valid. And I don’t want to start another husband bashing thread.

I just want to do what’s best for everyone

OP posts:
ShooLala · 29/09/2023 10:43

Take the medication. Who does he think he is and why are you deferring to him?

cocksstrideintheevening · 29/09/2023 10:43

Just take the medication. I wouldn't do it in secret. What a twat.

MrsK89 · 29/09/2023 10:44

If you are not coping without then yes do take the medication temporarily. Yes it can cause addiction but if it helps take the edge off, do so temporarily but carry on with all other methods

PsychoSyd · 29/09/2023 10:44

FiveStarHedgehog · 29/09/2023 10:40

I do understand his concerns after his tragic experience and I don’t want it to seem like his worries are not valid. And I don’t want to start another husband bashing thread.

I just want to do what’s best for everyone

No, what you need to to do is what's best for you & you alone.

Take the medication.

GabriellaMontez · 29/09/2023 10:44

Yanbu.

But you would also be very reasonable to tell him that any medication you take is decided between you and your Dr.

He doesn't get to decide what you take (or don't take)

Original poster
FiveStarHedgehog · 29/09/2023 10:44

@Shortpoet oh yeah definitely, he is one of those people who would rather “ride out” a headache over taking a paracetamol.

I will admit I am the opposite and should probably buy shares in Panadol at this point.

But that’s just something we accept that we differ on and generally just get on with it. Antidepressants however are a really big worry for him.

OP posts:
Neekoh · 29/09/2023 10:45

Why do you need to do what's best for 'everyone'? You ought to do what's best for you! Your first responsibility is always, always to yourself first, so that you can then be well enough to give to others.

Bemyclementine · 29/09/2023 10:45

I wouldn't do it in secret. Tell him you're taking it.

Ponoka7 · 29/09/2023 10:46

Is he controlling in other aspects? He hasn't had a tragic experience that's necessarily connected to the person being on medication. Your MH isn't about him or his friend's mother. It's worrying that he's set himself up as being in charge of you all. Let's hope none of your children need anti depressants or anti anxiety meds. If you need to take the meds without him knowing, but really, he should be told that it is your decision.

dontgobaconmyheart · 29/09/2023 10:50

I can't see how it is his business really. His opinions are what they are (and reflect poorly on him as a partner and as a person really) but ultimately that is how he is entitled to feel about his own use of medication in his own circumstances, and does not give him the right to influence your right to be treated or how you medicate your own body. You have autonomy OP. You deserve more than to 'keep your head above water' and deserve partner who would also not want that for you.

Calling his views 'old fashioned' doesn't really accurately describe what's going on here which is that his closed minded opinions are more important to him than your health, happiness and welfare. Any second hand experience he's had of a medication is unfortunate but is his issue to deal with. We are talking about medication that is broadly safe when used under the care of a practitioner, life saving (and life improving) for so many people.

I wonder if he will be refusing treatment next time he becomes physically unwell, and whether you would want him to or want him to have to contemplate it to keep you happy.

You need to do what best for you OP. You don't exist to keep him happy, flatter his ego about his viewpoint or protect him from unreasonable anxieties he has about this- he needs to see a counsellor and work on them, and how to support a healthy relationship, if they are that severe.

Sugarfish · 29/09/2023 10:50

The medication could make you feel really shit at the start and he will notice that. Better to just be honest upfront, it could cause and argument when he finds out you’ve kept him in the dark. In this situation you only need to to do what best for you. You needing medication is a bigger thing than him not agreeing with it just because of someone he knew having a bad experience.

Original poster
FiveStarHedgehog · 29/09/2023 10:52

I will admit I am someone who will often do things “for an easy life” and can’t be bothered to argue about things that I don’t think should be a given.

Maybe I just need to say “this is what I am doing”

reflecting, I don’t think I can lie by omission

thanks all

OP posts:
MariePaperRoses · 29/09/2023 10:53

I'm with your husband on this.

Why not try and naturally boost the serotonin in your brain first?

5-htp transformed the life of one of my relatives who had thankfully refused the medication the doctor continuously tried to push on him and which we discovered in our own research caused suicide in some.

Here is one brand, you can research and find other brands and read the reviews.

www.naturesbest.co.uk/herbs-spices/5htp-tablets-100mg/?src=GO5HTPB1C&gclid=CjwKCAjw69moBhBgEiwAUFCx2Fccqh7Fu49xKY-omMjJTwRvEmqFC5T0guKF3iyKXu7-xgzbD2BYcBoC93IQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Original poster
FiveStarHedgehog · 29/09/2023 10:54

*that I think should be a given

ie - I don’t think discussion about needed (imo) medication is even necessary and you should just support your partner

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 29/09/2023 10:56

You need to do what is best for YOU, not what is best for everyone.

He clearly has no idea what it's like to have depression, anxiety and PND (lucky him!) and how desperate you are feeling. You should take the medication and not tell him so his doom mongering doesn't force you to stop. It's alarming that he thinks that you can't make a decision over your own body. That is not the attitude of a good, respectful man.

Original poster
FiveStarHedgehog · 29/09/2023 10:58

@MariePaperRoses the problem with non licensed medication is they are generally not well researched with regards to interaction with other medications - I take medication for my heart that I will need to take for life and cannot risk negative interactions with other substances

OP posts:
Furryrug · 29/09/2023 10:59

I would tell him, if he finds out your doing it behind his back, then it could make matters worse.

Mumtime2 · 29/09/2023 11:00

Anti depressants would be given to you on a dose suited to your needs.
Not everyone is comparable, so I would insist on taking them.
It also can be a temporary measure, and then you will be slowly and correctly taken off them when you choose.
Comparing past people's issues or habits on meds is not the same as your possible experience, which will be monitored.
Take it and relieve the unnecessary struggles.
Do what is right for you.

pointythings · 29/09/2023 11:01

I voted YABU because you need to tell your husband to stop being controlling. This is your decision alone. My DS takes antidepressants. They are lifesavers for him.

Original poster
FiveStarHedgehog · 29/09/2023 11:02

The plan that has been discussed with my doctor would be a temporary measure and then an appropriately paced withdrawal period. I have other health issues and am closely monitored so I feel confident that any issues will be addressed quickly and taken seriously.

OP posts:
GalileoHumpkins · 29/09/2023 11:04

It's not his business, he has no say on what medications you take. I'm genuinely shocked that he would try and stop you.
He says “maybe you are just made to function at that level”
A husband that doesn't believe you deserve to be at 100% is a bit of a twat really.