To secretly take the medication

[FiveStarHedgehog]

TW - depression/PND

I have struggled with anxiety and depression since my teenage years. This got much worse after multiple miscarriages/stressful TTC and peaked after the birth of our second child where I had such bad PND/postnatal OCD that I wouldn’t leave the house. I am now 32.

I have always managed with CBT/counselling/lifestyle and kept my head above water.

I have recently had another bout of things being quite bad, although I am functional. I have finally decided that maybe it is time to try the medication my doctor has been suggesting for a while now.

the big problem is, DH is very anti medication. He has a very old fashioned view of it - he thinks all the things that are not necessarily true eg. It will change your personality, you’ll become addicted… understandably because his friends mum had a terrible experience with this sort of medication which ended tragically.

he will not budge. I’ve said if I am 90% there and the medication just makes up for that 10% wouldn’t that be great? He says “maybe you are just made to function at that level”

I love him and understand his concern but I really think this is the right step forward for me at this point.

WIBU to just get medication and not say anything? I take other things for health issues anyway so he wouldn’t realise. I wouldn’t lie if he questioned it but if I just say nothing and get on with it?

If it worries him so much take it and don't tell him. Not worth getting him really upset about it if he genuinely thinks it will harm you.

Your body your choice. I can't imagine discussing any medication I take with dh, before taking it.

SSRI’s are incredibly safe (I both take them and prescribe them). They’re even safe in pregnancy & breastfeeding. They’re non habit-forming. They support people to put the pieces back together, or support people to be able to engage in their other self-care and therapy goals.

Your DP is being an armchair psychiatrist, and clearly knows zilch. So he knew someone who took anti presidents & it ended badly? It won’t have ended badly because of the anti-D’s, it’ll have ended badly INSPITE of the anti-d’s (because they were prob not high enough dose to cope with such severity of depression). He doesn’t understand cause-and-effect.

What you do with you body, what goes inside it, and how you treat is, is nothing to do with him. It does not concern him whatsoever. I would’nt dream of asking my DPs thoughts on the millions of heavy-duty MH meds I take. I don’t tell him & he doesn’t ask, because it’s my shit not his. 🤷🏼‍♀️

It should be between patient and doctor really…. I do understand his concerns, they are addictive but the doctor would slowly reduce the strength or what have you, so that you could come off the medication safely as and when you are able to.
It’s not really your husbands decision at all, I’m not sure I would take the medication in secret, I would just say I am taking it as I feel it will help me. If he’s that concerned he should’ve come with you to the appointment and be very supportive of getting you well.

understandably because his friends mum had a terrible experience with this sort of medication which ended tragically.

The problem with this, is that these sorts of stories are awful and shocking because they are NOT the norm. It is totally understandable to be nervous because of a personal experience, it is not understandable to expect everyone else to completely change their approach, based on years of medical science and study, because of one bad experience.

I am one of the 0.01% of babies who were born with shoulder dystocia that went on to have long term problems as a result. I am the only person I have ever met, and in most cases, the only person any of the many many physiotherapists, osteopaths, chiropractors etc have ever met, who has suffered from this. I felt a bit nervous about giving birth and, when a friend's baby had shoulder dystocia, I did worry for a brief period..... But I'm fully aware that it irrational and very unlikely.

Take the medication. Feel free to tell him if you want but I think it's fine if you decide not to. But I'd be more worried about an irrational fear of his impacting YOUR health so badly.

@FiveStarHedgehog since when did your body come under the control of your DH.

Get the meds, get 100% well. If the meds don't help, go back to GP and ween yourself off them.

Alternatively, if you can afford it, try super mushroom complex and hemp cbd oil. I have found they really help me.

He needs to be educated on the benefits.. maybe talk to his GP. Raise his concerns.
Would he take pain killers if he was in horrible pain?
Taking anti depressants is replacing serotonin that you are lacking at the moment.
I'd tell him it's your body your mind and you will decide what to take.

If it's easier to not tell him, and you're already having a hard time then personally I'd just not tell him- you can tell him when you're feeling in a better place to deal with his reaction if you want to.
I have ocd and anxiety/depression and I was scared to take medication for ages after a bad experience with medication the first time around, I've been taking two medications for it for the past 4 months and it's been an absolute life saver for me.

My partner also doesn't agree with anti-depressant medication and was annoyed when I started taking anti-depressants, but it's my mental health so he doesn't get a say in what I take (I made this clear). He has since said that he is glad I am taking them as he has seen a huge and positive difference. If you and your doctor feel that medication is the best way forward then go for it. It's not his decision in any way.

He needs to process what happened with his friend's mum (which he will not even have had the entire picture of, I'm sure), and move on. I know that sounds harsh but honestly, he's letting that one isolated experience he's heard about influence him to such an extent that he tries to dissuade you from taking medication that could be exactly what you need.

Anyway, I know that's not what you're asking of this thread. I agree with what you've concluded yourself, that in this case you need to streamline your focus onto what is right for you and you alone.

I think you should concentrate on what is best for you

I would jus take the medication and I wouldn't keep it a secret.

I obviously think you should take the medication, I’m on antidepressants and I know they help me.

You probably won’t change his mind if he won’t even take anything for a headache.

See if you can find any online articles about the use and safety of antidepressants to show him that the example of his friends mother is no longer applicable or was unusual.

Older antidepressant did have more side effects, but they have changed and doctors are more aware of the pitfalls.

This is akin to not driving because a friend of a friend had an accident in a car 20 years ago.

At the end of the day it’s your body and your choice. He can only dictate to you if it goes both ways. If he drinks alcohol there’s far more evidence of its harms than antidepressants.

I was specifically talking about depression and anxiety.

Of course heart medication is necessary.

What an unreasonable man for god's sake we can't control the chemical in our body that don't function properly and need help from meds. Best day of my life when the Dr sorted me and my hubby has no problem with it

I would take them but not in secret. It’s your health and his opinion counts for nothing, you and your doctor decide.
FWIW I found antidepressant life changing. Was on them for maybe 3 years and the medication helped me way more than all the exercise, yoga and sunlight (and all the other crap people bang on about) in the world. Don’t get me wrong those things help a tiny bit but for chronic depression sometimes only the meds will help.

No,! You do what is best for you. Not everyone else. It's your health and your boundaries. Tell him you understand his concerns however you are taking it. You are not anyone else.

Does he not understand that depression starts from the physical chemical hormones in our body becoming imbalanced and draining the brain of the balance of its needs. He won't as he is not a Dr. This is what was described to me by my own gp regarding antidepressants.

You're not abusing meds. You're taking prescribed medication as per Dr's instructions.

Would he try and stop you from taking meds for other needs such as high blood pressure, thyroid, and so on? No, he wouldn't.

Take them, don't put the meds where he can't find them and dispose of them.

Ask him to come to the Dr with you to talk through his concerns. Tbh, this is a pride thing now on his behalf.

He is not helping you with his attitude. He is not a doctor. Tell him to stick to how own job you don't tell him how to do. You will listen to the doctor who is qualified with 7 years of training.

Can not can't re my last message

Try the medication, but don't shield your husband from the knowledge that you are taking it. You are an adult, you decide what you do with your body and your mind and unless he is medically qualified, his opinion is not required.

What I mean @MariePaperRoses is that you don’t know if anything unlicensed might make my heart medication less effective for example.

so these things are not really an option for me.

thank you though

This has made me so sad. I know that there are lots of different people in the world but to imagine a life with a person like that, to imagine facing so much essentially alone because the person you share your life with is so utterly awful regardless of why. I say this as I face a lilely diagnosis next week with my person by my side, just being himself and doing his best for us. I had an uncle who was anti medication. His son was denied medication for seizures at birth until the courts were able to intervene and it was too late, he is and has always been a complete shell. and is now a 40 year old locked up in a secure unit with no speech, no ability to empathise to communicate whatsoever and he has very badly hurt people. Don't let this man make more people he can imprison in his madness.

It's your body, your choice. Do what's best for you. I'm on citalopram and help me significantly in my life.

If you feel you should take them, take them. It is literally NOTHING to do with him what medication you take.

However, I would be up front with him about it. Not least because there's a chance he will notice, due to the start-up side effects that can arise with these medications.

I think keeping it a secret is worse than telling him. Of course you can say you totally understand his worries about it because of his mother but that you're not taking what she took. You might need to reinforce the notion that it's your decision and that if he makes a huge drama about it, he's not helping your MH in the slightest and in fact will be harming it.

He needs to have counselling about the tragic event that has affected him, not project it onto you.
It’s your body and your healthcare, he shouldn’t stop you from helping yourself and you shouldn’t have to hide it. He shouldn’t feel comfortable preventing you from getting the medication you need because of his feelings about it. This issue needs addressing.