Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To secretly take the medication

114 replies

FiveStarHedgehog · 29/09/2023 10:36

TW - depression/PND

I have struggled with anxiety and depression since my teenage years. This got much worse after multiple miscarriages/stressful TTC and peaked after the birth of our second child where I had such bad PND/postnatal OCD that I wouldn’t leave the house. I am now 32.

I have always managed with CBT/counselling/lifestyle and kept my head above water.

I have recently had another bout of things being quite bad, although I am functional. I have finally decided that maybe it is time to try the medication my doctor has been suggesting for a while now.

the big problem is, DH is very anti medication. He has a very old fashioned view of it - he thinks all the things that are not necessarily true eg. It will change your personality, you’ll become addicted… understandably because his friends mum had a terrible experience with this sort of medication which ended tragically.

he will not budge. I’ve said if I am 90% there and the medication just makes up for that 10% wouldn’t that be great? He says “maybe you are just made to function at that level”

I love him and understand his concern but I really think this is the right step forward for me at this point.

WIBU to just get medication and not say anything? I take other things for health issues anyway so he wouldn’t realise. I wouldn’t lie if he questioned it but if I just say nothing and get on with it?

OP posts:
Nowtbettertodo · 29/09/2023 12:36

What would you say if your husband asked you not to take your heart medication? I'm sure you would tell him where to go! This is no different. Your doctor feels you need medication, take the medication and tell him that you are. He should be supporting you.

spuddel · 29/09/2023 12:43

I voted YABU but only because I don't think you should lie. I'm not at all keen on many medicines or the over prescribing that goes on but if you and your doctor agree it's worth trying, I really don't think your dh has a say in this. By all means consider his feelings but ultimately do what is best for you and own that decision upfront.

ActDottie · 29/09/2023 12:44

Take it if it helps you.

Personally having been on medication for a couple of years I can’t wait to come off mine as I just don’t feel like myself on it. But if you find it helps then do it.

dangerrabbit · 29/09/2023 12:45

Is he controlling in other ways?

LadyWiddiothethird · 29/09/2023 12:47

Take it! It has nothing at all to do with your OH,he cannot control what someone else does.You must be a weak person to let him have any say in this.

NoSquirrels · 29/09/2023 12:50

I don’t want it to seem like his worries are not valid.

They’re not valid, though. And his irrational fears, based on what is likely misunderstood or inaccurate knowledge of a friend’s mother, has been stopping you from accessing medication that could have really improved your life before now.

I think you should be transparent, and I think you should ask him to come to a doctor’s appointment with you to hear it from the professional. I also think he needs some counselling of his own.

saffronsoup · 29/09/2023 12:50

He can have his own opinion and make decisions for his own life. However he can't decide for you. You should take them if you feel that is the right decision for you and not feel to hide it. He can prefer you weren't taking them but that is it. You get to make health decisions that are right for you, not conform to those he holds shaped by his personal life experience.

mangoontoast · 29/09/2023 12:52

MrsK89 · 29/09/2023 10:44

If you are not coping without then yes do take the medication temporarily. Yes it can cause addiction but if it helps take the edge off, do so temporarily but carry on with all other methods

No, they do not cause addiction.

Allinadayswork80 · 29/09/2023 12:54

I take Sertraline and have done for several years now following PND. They saved my life. They help me maintain a stable mental state. I’ve had no known side effects. I tried to come off them during my second pregnancy but it wasn’t doing my MH any good and my Dr said I’m on a fairly low dose now and it’s far better for me to maintain my MH at a time when my body and life is being challenged than the alternative. Neither me or baby suffered any negative affects.
Im sorry you’re suffering OP, it’s a struggle I am familiar with, when you’re functioning still with anxiety & depression it’s easy for people to not understand how hard it is and how bad you’re feeling. I’m sad for you that it’s not something you can discuss with or receive support from your DP as he should be the one person that should be helping you. My DP doesn’t like the idea of AD’s either but knows the struggles I’ve had and has witnessed how I am off the meds. My Dr described it as being a chemical imbalance and no different to someone with say, thyroid problems or diabetes - legitimate illnesses that require medication to rebalance. Good luck x

Redskyatwhatever · 29/09/2023 13:00

What if his friends’s mum had died in a car accident? Would he have said you can’t possibly go in a car anywhere in case you die in an accident. And if you said without using a car to help you get to places that make you happy, you feel you are missing out, would he say well you just have to accept that?

wellandtruly · 29/09/2023 13:03

It wouldn’t really occur to me to even discuss this with my husband.

fruitstick · 29/09/2023 13:04

My DH was the same.

Take them, but please tell him you're doing it. It doesn't matter if he approves or not, it's none of his business. It's important that you feel you can say this.

I told my husband that I had spoken to my GP, our friend who is a GP, people who have taken them long term, people who decided not to take them, and people who took them for a short while and then stopped.

Ask him what similar research he has done and it can't be just an anecdote of one person.

Ask him to come to the GP with you to discuss his concerns.

If he refuses (or even if he comes) then crack on.

Bobbotgegrinch · 29/09/2023 13:35

No, you need to tell him because in an emergency situation he needs to be able to tell doctors what medication you're on.

For his part, he needs to stop pressuring you not to take this medication. It's your body, your life, your choice. He gets to either deal with that or leave the relationship if he's going to be that much of a twat about it.

MNetcurtains · 29/09/2023 13:37

Tell him to Google Andrea Yates.

Beamur · 29/09/2023 13:40

Your doctor is a far better judge of what medication you need than your medically untrained husband.

viques · 29/09/2023 13:49

He has an opinion, based on his experience, (though to be honest many things could have contributed to his friends mums problems which he was probably not fully aware of), but I don’t think this in any way trumps your right to deal with your illness how you and your doctor think is appropriate. I think you need to acknowledge his misgivings, and say you realise they come from a place of care for you which you appreciate, but that you have decided that for you the best solution is to take the medication offered. Say that you will monitor your wellbeing, and that if there are issues you will evaluate them.

TangoLikeYouMeanIt · 29/09/2023 13:58

I will admit I am someone who will often do things “for an easy life” and can’t be bothered to argue about things that I don’t think should be a given.

OP, what does this mean? Because the way I am reading it, it means that your husband is controlling in lots of ways.

oh yeah definitely, he is one of those people who would rather “ride out” a headache over taking a paracetamol.

So I note that it isn't actually the tragic experience with his friend's mother that is the root of all this. It's that he's anti medication generally but will graciously allow you to take paracetamol. He thinks he is entitled to prevent you from taking medication for your mental health, though. Maybe he wants to keep you feeling low?

He says “maybe you are just made to function at that level”

This is one of the worst things I have ever heard of someone saying, and I've been on the relationships board for years and years. Anyhow, you'll soon realise that you aren't "just made to function at that level" (what a bastard, aside from the fact that it's an horrific thing to say to anyone, let alone your wife whom you are supposed to love and cherish, doesn't he accept that you're struggling much more recently?) because you'll take the medication and feel much better. And then have some capacity to assess your relationship.

I apologise if his comes across too bluntly, but if I met you at a baby group and you told me all of this I would be very, very concerned about you.

fishfingersandtoes · 29/09/2023 14:02

I wouldn't let his emotions trump your needs. However valid they are, they should not be the driving force here. Yes, I'd just get on with taking them and perhaps let him know later.

HamBone · 29/09/2023 14:08

I’m not sure why you’re even discussing this with him, OP. Is he a qualified doctor?

I take medication for an underactive thyroid and a low dose of AD’s to manage GAD. I’ve been clinically assessed and diagnosed with both conditions. My DH isn’t involved in my treatment, why would he be?

Do what’s best for YOUR health, OP. I hope you feel better soon. 💐

gamerchick · 29/09/2023 14:14

You don't have to tell anyone who medication you're taking OP.

What the fuck does it have to do with him anyway? Hmm

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 29/09/2023 14:24

It's none of his business, your body, your life, your choice. I didn't tell stbxh when I started antidepressants years ago I'm so glad I did. I was on the verge of having a breakdown with 3 little kids with SEN to look. It took a few weeks to titrate up and it wasn't a cure all but I was so much better on medication. My only regret is not doing it sooner before I got to the stage of panic attacks and breakdown.

Hibiscrubbed · 29/09/2023 14:25

FiveStarHedgehog · 29/09/2023 10:40

I do understand his concerns after his tragic experience and I don’t want it to seem like his worries are not valid. And I don’t want to start another husband bashing thread.

I just want to do what’s best for everyone

Tough tits. Because your husband is unbelievable.

Who the fuck does he think he is thinking he gets to decide whether you take medication for your mental health? How does he feel about insulin? Chemotherapy? Pain relief?

I am absolutely staggered at his arrogance.

FlippingWell · 29/09/2023 14:26

How dare he do that.

Tell him to look into the effect of depression and anxiety on the heart. And the effect of maternal mental illness on child development.

Anyway regardless of that, this is your health and what your doctor has suggested; he gets no say. Why would he not want you to feel 100% if it’s achievable??

Don’t be a doormat and don’t ask his permission. Start the meds.

soggybottomsforlife · 29/09/2023 16:50

Would he say no to chemo if he had cancer because some people sadly do die of cancer and have had some chemo before?

keffie12 · 29/09/2023 16:51

FiveStarHedgehog · 29/09/2023 11:36

What I mean @MariePaperRoses is that you don’t know if anything unlicensed might make my heart medication less effective for example.

so these things are not really an option for me.

thank you though

You're not going to get an unlicensed drug from your gp