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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To secretly take the medication

114 replies

FiveStarHedgehog · 29/09/2023 10:36

TW - depression/PND

I have struggled with anxiety and depression since my teenage years. This got much worse after multiple miscarriages/stressful TTC and peaked after the birth of our second child where I had such bad PND/postnatal OCD that I wouldn’t leave the house. I am now 32.

I have always managed with CBT/counselling/lifestyle and kept my head above water.

I have recently had another bout of things being quite bad, although I am functional. I have finally decided that maybe it is time to try the medication my doctor has been suggesting for a while now.

the big problem is, DH is very anti medication. He has a very old fashioned view of it - he thinks all the things that are not necessarily true eg. It will change your personality, you’ll become addicted… understandably because his friends mum had a terrible experience with this sort of medication which ended tragically.

he will not budge. I’ve said if I am 90% there and the medication just makes up for that 10% wouldn’t that be great? He says “maybe you are just made to function at that level”

I love him and understand his concern but I really think this is the right step forward for me at this point.

WIBU to just get medication and not say anything? I take other things for health issues anyway so he wouldn’t realise. I wouldn’t lie if he questioned it but if I just say nothing and get on with it?

OP posts:

Thementalloadisreal · 29/09/2023 11:52

Also his reaction, if he were to find out you took it secretly, might be a concern.

Brefugee · 29/09/2023 11:56

Your body, your choice.

You can tell him that by not wanting you to take meds, he wants you to live a miserable life. Does he want you to be miserable?

Depending on his answer to this, maybe re-evaluate your relationship.

But take the meds.

JamieJ93 · 29/09/2023 11:57

Not all anti-depressants are addictive at all, your body isn't addicted to it if you stopped, yes you will feel "withdrawal" affects if stopped abruptly but not addictive. It's your body, your experience, why should you have to live feeling like this when you don't have to?
Tell your husband yes, you get his thoughts and feelings and you do understand but it is your right to medication and to feel better so he really needs to support your decision to take medication.

Shadypaws23 · 29/09/2023 11:59

I'm on citalopram. Not changed me, it's not really an addictive type of drug (like say diazepam)
I just take it every morning and that's it, same as I have always been except without intrusive thoughts and self harm

Coulddowithanap · 29/09/2023 12:00

He is being very unsupportive. He has no right to tell you what you can and can't take.

My husband doesn't like taking medication but would never stop me from taking it.

MumYourBabyGrewUpToBeACowboy · 29/09/2023 12:01

Be wary of 5-htp or St John’s Wort. They are said to be helpful but both have a number of drug interactions.

Bababear987 · 29/09/2023 12:01

Struggling and keeping your head above water is not a way to live.

I'm a pharmacist and I'll be honest for most of my life I did counselling and a bunch of other things to keep ny head above water as you said. Then I started sertraline and its brilliant. I see no reason to come of it but my life is a lot easier and I'm not constantly worrying an anxious and down. Life is too short to be just surviving it.

Your husband needs to stop being so selfish, I'd be a bit concerned that he just wants to keep you the way you are as opposed to you being happier and more content. It sounds quite controlling really.

Isthiscorrect · 29/09/2023 12:04

If you care about your DH and you obviously do and you don't want to upset him. Then take the medicine and don't tell him. I appreciate keeping secrets isn't healthy but your mental health is vital. Possibly I might write him a note at this point and not give it to him. Telling him you understand his feelings and that he obviously cares for you and doesn't want you to go the way of his friends mother but you need to do this for you and that the only reason you haven't told him is not to hurt him. And then if it all comes out as it inevitably will do, he will know how long it has been and your reasons.

TakenUpTheOxoTower · 29/09/2023 12:12

I work with someone who ‘doesn’t believe’ in medicines, painkillers etc. Quite honestly he’s a pita! Won’t admit he’s poorly, won’t stay off work and thus gave half the team a nasty bout of Covid as a result (and STILL didn’t stay home!!) We were all furious!!
Take whatever you need to help you, op, My DP doesn’t need day-to -day medicines like do, but he sure as hell doesn’t interfere!!
Your DH is being a git where this is concerned. I would take them as prescribed (by a GP, not just some random who thinks they know better🙄) and let’s all hope if your DH ever needs an operation, he ‘won’t believe’ in anaesthestic x

MagpiePi · 29/09/2023 12:13

Presumably he thinks you shouldn’t take medication for your heart and you should just live with it functioning at a lower level?

Your husband is an arse, take the medication.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/09/2023 12:18

He is clearly worried but that does not give him the right to have any say in what you do with your body to help your health. He can give an opinion if asked but that's it.

I wouldn't lie though, keeping something like this secret is not the sign of a healthy relationship. I would tell him, but also tell him you take on board his concerns, you will have regular check ins with him about any side effects etc.

carddino · 29/09/2023 12:20

I would take it and tell him.

I would also agree he need's counselling to process his trauma.

It's like not going in a car for same reason.

Or not letting a child ride a bike because you had a childhood accident .

They are separate issues.

JingleC · 29/09/2023 12:22

He is an arse...but I have been guilty of having that same opinion before about medication. Then the things I had done previously to manage anxiety and depression didn't work any more and I needed something more. So I went onto Sertraline and it was the best thing I could have done at that time, it gave me the head space I needed to regain some control. However, this is also about your body, your choice. The only person who can decide is you, he should get no say in this!

YouOKHun · 29/09/2023 12:22

Your body your choice @FiveStarHedgehog. An SSRI and some of the CBT skills you have could be a very helpful combination. ADs aren’t a magic bullet but they can be really helpful. It might take a few weeks for them to work and as long as you take as prescribed and speak to your GP about any changes to amount or tapering off etc then they are pretty safe.

I wonder if your DH is bracketing some very different medication under the “anti depressant” umbrella? My DM is really against any kind of anti depressant too and this is because my grandmother had every drug going to manage her depression which in the 1960s and 70s was basically tranquillisers like Mogadon, then another pill to wake her up (and then LSD; a whole other story). Then later a trycylic antidepressant. My DM witnessed a life curtailed by medication for a depression which was probably the result of being neurodivergent (another long story). I just wonder if what your DH witnessed was as the result of an SSRI and not some other type of medication with other factors at play?

TheMurderousGoose · 29/09/2023 12:22

'his friends mum had a terrible experience with this sort of medication which ended tragically.'

And things can end tragically for people who don't take medication that can help them.

Your body your choice.

How dare he.

Mammma91 · 29/09/2023 12:23

Your husband may be anxious about a past experience but not everyone reacts the same. Would you consider taking your gp to the appointment and discuss it further with the GP and he can raise his concerns there and maybe you could be closely monitored whilst taking said medication, this stops it being a secret and could ease your DH’s anxiety around the mediation.

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/09/2023 12:23

This is your health, you get to do what's best for you. Everyone doesn't come into it.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 29/09/2023 12:24

Is he worried when you feel very well you will see he is a controlling twat?

MoisturiseYourMoose · 29/09/2023 12:25

Tell him to fuck off and take what you want to take. It’s none of his business and you have complete autonomy with medicating your own body.

Mamma2017 · 29/09/2023 12:27

What the fuck has it got to do with him? Your body! Your health! It’s actually pretty abusive of him to coerce you into not getting treatment for your illness.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 29/09/2023 12:27

Are you married to Tom Cruise? How DARE he have an opinion, let alone issue what could quite possibly end up being a dangerous ultimatum.

peachypudding · 29/09/2023 12:29

Jesus. This is of those threads where I can't believe what I'm reading. So your GP thinks you would benefit from a course of AD's, you think you would benefit from taking AD's, but you're not because your DH 'doesn't believe in them'? WTF?

Why are you even remotely concerned about what another human being's opinion is? It has literally nothing to do with him, you're not asking him to take them!

Is some of your depression due to having limited agency over your own life and body?

Winnipeggy · 29/09/2023 12:29

Don't secretly take it, you are a grown woman and you think it's best for you, you don't need your husband's permission. What are you worried he will do if you take it?

sprigatito · 29/09/2023 12:30

You're an adult, so he doesn't get to make decisions about your body and your health. It's that simple. He's given his opinion, now he needs to back the fuck off.

NerrSnerr · 29/09/2023 12:34

I would not do this in secret. You also need to consider the future- what if your child needs medication in the future? Should they ride out a chest infection or diabetes or asthma?

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