Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about my daughters sleepover

128 replies

beigevase · 28/09/2023 20:20

Here's the situation.

Dd is 11 and just started year 7. She had grown closer to a girl she went to primary school with as they have a lot of the same classes in secondary school. We will call her Jane.

Dd and Jane have organised a sleep over between themselves. Jane asked her mum if she could have a sleepover at her house but wasn't allowed. Dd then asked me and I agreed - we've had plenty of sleepovers so not a problem.

I've only ever met Jane's mum a couple of times and she has never been very chatty when I've tried to make conversation in the past. I've also collected Jane from her house for various things in the past but have never seen Jane's mum in this time - when I go to the door etc her mum has never been to the door. Never really questioned it before.

I have no contact details for Jane's mum. I asked dd if she could message Jane and ask her for her mums number and for dd to give Jane my number so that she could pass it on.

Jane sent a screenshot to my dd of a text exchange between her and her mum. Jane's mum said 'she doesn't need my number, if theres an emergency you can contact me yourself'.

So Jane's mum doesn't want me to have her number. Dd has also asked Jane if she can be dropped off at our home. She's never been before. Her mum has said no and that I will have to collect her.

It's making me feel slightly uneasy that I have no contact details for a child that I am going to be responsible for. I know I couldn't send my dd to a sleepover where I haven't confirmed that it's ok first and I also have absolutely no idea where she will be - I would need to know where her friends lived.

I know they are in secondary school now but they are only 11.

Aibu to feel uneasy about this? I've never ever had this before. I am an over protective mum so it's fine to tell me I am being unreasonable.

What age do you tend ti stop arranging these things between parents?

The thing is - dd could have any of her friends over no problem if i know the parents. This is more to do with the fact that i have no way to contact Jane's parents if i need too.

OP posts:
HolyMolyRolyPolyGoodForTheSouly · 28/09/2023 20:22

YANBU, I would feel the same as you, it’s very weird!

Spirallingdownwards · 28/09/2023 20:22

If Jane has the number ask Jane to give it to you. At least you do know where Jane lives.

If your daughter wants her to come I d let her.

ChesterDrawz · 28/09/2023 20:23

Yeah, it's not normal at all.

I was pretty easy going with them at that sort of age but wouldn't be happy with this at all.

Original poster
beigevase · 28/09/2023 20:24

Spirallingdownwards · 28/09/2023 20:22

If Jane has the number ask Jane to give it to you. At least you do know where Jane lives.

If your daughter wants her to come I d let her.

Yes I've already thought about getting the number myself as soon as she gets here. I forgot to add that part.

I'm not going to cancel - they've really put so much effort into planning it.

OP posts:
cansu · 28/09/2023 20:26

I would leave it. You do know the address so can get in touch in an emergency. They are obviously a bit odd or at least quite unhelpful and unfriendly.

supersonicginandtonic · 28/09/2023 20:27

My step daughters mum is like this. She won't give her number to anybody. She has a very violent ex-partner (not my step-daughters dad) who beat her almost to death. She has a restraining order against him but he's been released from prison and she is understandably very scared and paranoid.

Original poster
beigevase · 28/09/2023 20:34

supersonicginandtonic · 28/09/2023 20:27

My step daughters mum is like this. She won't give her number to anybody. She has a very violent ex-partner (not my step-daughters dad) who beat her almost to death. She has a restraining order against him but he's been released from prison and she is understandably very scared and paranoid.

I have wondered if there's a reason why. I'm not long out of an abusive marriage myself so I can understand that. I know her mum and dad are still together but literally know nothing else about them.

The text exchange between dd and Jane shows that Jane is very clingy and quite needy. Dd says she is like this at school too.

She has also sent a lot of texts to dd like 'can your mum buy us a McDonald's' 'can your mum take us shopping?' She's also asked if she can stay all day Sunday and could I drop her off at home after tea on Sunday evening.

I do feel there's something not quite right but she is a nice kid.

Regardless I'd still feel better that I could text/ring her parents if needed. I've had to do this a few of times before for dds friends when they have been feeling ill etc. I know she will have her own phone but I don't think that's the point.

OP posts:
Original poster
beigevase · 28/09/2023 20:35

cansu · 28/09/2023 20:26

I would leave it. You do know the address so can get in touch in an emergency. They are obviously a bit odd or at least quite unhelpful and unfriendly.

I can but I'm a single mum and I have young children at home myself. I wouldn't want to be waking my whole household up if Jane needs to go home in the middle of the night.

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 28/09/2023 21:18

Tell your daughter that Jane can't sleepover until you have spoken to the mother.
The end

Dacadactyl · 28/09/2023 21:34

I think the mum is MASSIVELY odd and I'd not let my child go to their house because of it.

I still checked things with parents til DD was about 15.

SheSaidHummingbird · 28/09/2023 21:35

Could you perhaps ask Jane's mum to provide an alternative emergency contact number e.g. a grandparent's? If it's a DA situation as somebody suggested, she may be more comfortable to share a relative or another guardian's number instead of her own.

Thementalloadisreal · 28/09/2023 21:39

That is odd. If not the mum’s number I’d at least ask for contacts for a safe person for an emergency contact. If Jane had a medical emergency she wouldn’t be able to contact her mother, worst case if she was unconscious you potentially couldn’t unlock her phone and use it. How would you inform her mum?

tescocreditcard · 28/09/2023 21:40

Yes the mother sounds very odd.

I'd also stick to having the sleepovers at your house, not at Janes house.

If Jane keeps demanding things tell her it's rude.

tescocreditcard · 28/09/2023 21:43

You could ask for the dads number instead if the mum won't give you hers.

JustAMinutePleass · 28/09/2023 21:46

I wouldn’t host the sleepover. Something is odd

Choccybear20 · 28/09/2023 21:47

I think you need to question why anyone would happily drop their child off for a sleepover at the house of someone they don’t really know, in the knowledge you can’t even contact them if something goes wrong.

sounds like a bloody weirdo. I wouldn’t allow it to proceed until you get some contact details and speak to the mother about the sleepover.

calishire · 28/09/2023 21:49

Choccybear20 · 28/09/2023 21:47

I think you need to question why anyone would happily drop their child off for a sleepover at the house of someone they don’t really know, in the knowledge you can’t even contact them if something goes wrong.

sounds like a bloody weirdo. I wouldn’t allow it to proceed until you get some contact details and speak to the mother about the sleepover.

Totally agree with this

Proudgypsy · 28/09/2023 21:51

Some parents astound me. How on earth could you be fine with not knowing where your 11 year old is overnight?

truthhurts23 · 28/09/2023 21:53

I don't think that an 11 yr old hoping for a Mcdonalds is odd, she just sounds excited bless her
the mum does sound a bit strange though..

when you go to collect the girl, can you go up to the front door and make the mum come and talk to you, introduce yourself, and ask to exchange numbers in case you need to contact her.
I think she would find it difficult to refuse with you standing right there, unless she's unhinged

I have an aunt who is like this to an extreme, very avoidant, depressed, wont answer the door etc

LizzieSiddal · 28/09/2023 21:57

It isn’t Janes fault that her mum is “weird” so why would anyone not allow the sleepover? I’ve got 2 DDs and both have had friends with odd/rude/negligent parents, I never once stopped my Dds having these friends over or going the extra mile (literally) myself to make sure there’s kids were included, even though their parents couldn’t give a shit!

MumblesParty · 28/09/2023 21:59

LakeTiticaca · 28/09/2023 21:18

Tell your daughter that Jane can't sleepover until you have spoken to the mother.
The end

This

Hellocatshome · 28/09/2023 22:06

beigevase · 28/09/2023 20:34

I have wondered if there's a reason why. I'm not long out of an abusive marriage myself so I can understand that. I know her mum and dad are still together but literally know nothing else about them.

The text exchange between dd and Jane shows that Jane is very clingy and quite needy. Dd says she is like this at school too.

She has also sent a lot of texts to dd like 'can your mum buy us a McDonald's' 'can your mum take us shopping?' She's also asked if she can stay all day Sunday and could I drop her off at home after tea on Sunday evening.

I do feel there's something not quite right but she is a nice kid.

Regardless I'd still feel better that I could text/ring her parents if needed. I've had to do this a few of times before for dds friends when they have been feeling ill etc. I know she will have her own phone but I don't think that's the point.

Show quote history

My son had a friend like this. Always asking if I would get then pizza or take them bowling etc. He wasn't demanding always asking politely. It was because his house never really had any food in it and he never got taken anywhere just left home alone while his Mum went out with her various boyfriends.

Only you can judge if she is a demanding little madam or just hoping for a few treats and a little bit of happy family life.

TokyoSushi · 28/09/2023 22:14

It sounds like maybe you're doing Jane a favour, the Mum doesn't sound great.

thaegumathteth · 28/09/2023 22:26

The mum is out of order but we've had similar before and tbh it's made me make the effort for the kid. I would definitely not cancel the sleepover but in the unlikely event of her being invited to Jane's for a sleepover I'd politely decline.

Mariposista · 28/09/2023 22:37

Poor Jane. Her mother sounds very odd.
I would not want my daughter going to someone's house overnight without the friend's parent having my number. What if there was an emergency? Unlikely but you never know! I remember my school friend having a mild asthma attack at our house when we were teenagers and we had to call her dad.