To be concerned about my daughters sleepover

[beigevase]

Here's the situation.

Dd is 11 and just started year 7. She had grown closer to a girl she went to primary school with as they have a lot of the same classes in secondary school. We will call her Jane.

Dd and Jane have organised a sleep over between themselves. Jane asked her mum if she could have a sleepover at her house but wasn't allowed. Dd then asked me and I agreed - we've had plenty of sleepovers so not a problem.

I've only ever met Jane's mum a couple of times and she has never been very chatty when I've tried to make conversation in the past. I've also collected Jane from her house for various things in the past but have never seen Jane's mum in this time - when I go to the door etc her mum has never been to the door. Never really questioned it before.

I have no contact details for Jane's mum. I asked dd if she could message Jane and ask her for her mums number and for dd to give Jane my number so that she could pass it on.

Jane sent a screenshot to my dd of a text exchange between her and her mum. Jane's mum said 'she doesn't need my number, if theres an emergency you can contact me yourself'.

So Jane's mum doesn't want me to have her number. Dd has also asked Jane if she can be dropped off at our home. She's never been before. Her mum has said no and that I will have to collect her.

It's making me feel slightly uneasy that I have no contact details for a child that I am going to be responsible for. I know I couldn't send my dd to a sleepover where I haven't confirmed that it's ok first and I also have absolutely no idea where she will be - I would need to know where her friends lived.

I know they are in secondary school now but they are only 11.

Aibu to feel uneasy about this? I've never ever had this before. I am an over protective mum so it's fine to tell me I am being unreasonable.

What age do you tend ti stop arranging these things between parents?

The thing is - dd could have any of her friends over no problem if i know the parents. This is more to do with the fact that i have no way to contact Jane's parents if i need too.

@Fab973 I've also said I would take them for a McDonald's. That isn't a big deal by any means.

I wasn't going to say to dd that she couldn't stay at Jane's house because I knew Jane's parents would say no. No need to create a drama if I don't need too.

I wouldn't let the girls go out to a shopping mall on their own, unless the mum agreed. I wouldn't let the little girl dictate everything that happened either and I certainly wouldn't have her until after teatime. I think sleepovers should end mid morning.

YANBU Op. Good advice on this thread but at the bottom of it, I feel the PP who said it will all end in tears is right. It's hard to police friendships at school but you can definitely put boundaries about who you have in their home and... shocker that filter can include parents being responsible for their child. The fact it seems like a holiday for the child is incredibly sad, but you need to trust your gut. There's been alot of threads recently on MN about CF parents and children overstaying their welcome with a potentially frantic homelife. You are 100% allowed to set boundaries in your own home. No contact details, no prior discussion - no sleepover. The end. It's not like you're saying she can't stay so everyone needs to buck up their ideas.

No I'd not be happy about this. It's a safeguarding issue. When you collect her, I would tell Jane you need to speak to one of her parents. If they refused to come to the door I wouldn't take her.

I think the clinginess and suffocation are worrying. Way more worrying than no phone number. I'd have the sleepover, but take Jane home after breakfast the next day. I've just got a feeling your daughter needs to have short sharp interactions with Jane to protect her from Jane's OTT- ness

Just throwing it out there do you 100% know the message Jane showed is from her mum?

I think you have to talk to her before her daughter stays, regardless.

TBH I would be glad that these alarm bells are ringing so loud, this is a clear reason why you can always say to DD that she can't go to this house. Jane's parents sound neglectful to say the least.

I think I would send your DD a text saying, please tell Jane's mum to text me so I can arrange weekend plans with her, or they will not be going ahead.

Advise her in person to screenshot it and send it to Jane.

I would also be concerned about the lack of input whilst the girls are 11, and Jane can undoubtedly text her mum if she needs her, 11 year old girls can lie, and manipulate situations to get their own way, so ability to reach another adult is important at all times.

I feel really sorry for poor Jane, but you need clear boundaries, just like you are trying to set. I'd also not be happy to do all the driving about- it's their responsibility, not yours to get their DD and drop her off.

I would do the sleepover. It will give you a good chance to see what Jane herself is like. She seems a little odd too! Also see what the dynamic is between her and your DD. It sounds like Jane could get quite possessive and also seems a bit presumptuous asking your DD to do x, y & z over the weekend.

I'm going to collect Jane at around d 5 or maybe later. I will take them to McDonald's because that's what I usually do anyway.

I won't be letting them shopping. Not some thing I can do without Jane's parents permission and I don't feel comfortable myself with letting my dd go with just Jane so that's not happening.

I'm going to take Jane home between 10-10,30 on Sunday morning. I need to go out anyway so I'll take Jane home on the way.

This is all if the sleepover goes ahead - I know some boundaries need to be made and kept.

I will really try and get Jane's parents contact details before hand or at the door at the very least. The more I think about it the more it concerns me. I'd like to get them before I collect Jane so I can text her mum and hopefully get some sort of response.

I always send a text to parents saying what we have planned, wether they need bedding and to ask if they have plans the next day - is the child allowed to stay up late or do they need an earlier night etc etc.

Yes I think so - in the screenshot it shows earlier messages and which sound like they would be between mum and daughter. It was also on what's app so shows the profile picture which I have to zoom in for but looks like the mum. The contact is just saved as 'mum' on Jane's phone

Sorry OP that comment was menat to reply to another users post ill reply to it so you can see who I was talking too

@tescocreditcard Thats a bit harsh. If she is a child who has hard up parents and an obviously strange Mum maybe this is her wee opportunity to ask for thing she cant normally enjoy. You shouldn't shame a child by telling them it’s rude. If she asks for McDonalds OP can say “sorry love we have dinner plans but maybe next time”
I remember going to sleepovers with my friends and writing lists of all the fun things we would including party food stuff, sweets, popcorn, chocolate, fizzy drinks. It’s what young girls do at sleepover

YANBU. I wouldn’t put myself in a position where I was responsible for a child but unable to contact her parents. Jane’s mum sounds very odd.

Poor Jane! Mother/Family are odd/strange/don’t care and she’s keen to get out of there! Don’t cancel but wouldn’t let your daughter go there until you know more.
Give her a nice time . You might also get some intel.

It is different once they go to secondary school and you won’t know the parents but I would expect to have sone communication with the parent and know where they live.
Sounds awful but I’ve also spoken to parents I know who went to the same school as the new friend and casually asked about them.

I would have her.

I totally get your concerns as I'd have them too, but nothing you do is going to make Jane's parents any more responsible or socially normal. The only impact you can have is on Jane.

If she's ill in the night, you'll need to use Jane's mobile to call her parents. If they don't pick up you can drop her off, explaining how irresponsible they were when doing so.

Ahh my mistake! Sorry I should have realised!

It's very weird but I would still have Jane over. I didn't know all my child's friend's parents at that age but for any sleepovers etc I would always have been in contact. Jane's parents sound strange and also rude.

Janes parents may well have a serious mental illness like a paranoid psychosis or be disabled and she's hiding this.

I definitely would not want a child to miss out because of this but I would feel uneasy as she is so young. Has Jane been to your house before? What about you start with her coming for a play date and you try to speak to the mum/find out more from Jane that way? I would be concerned Jane has actually been telling the mother the right information.

I would also be very careful about Jane monopolising your daughter and isolating her from other friendships. This will make your daughter miserable and will end in tears so I'd actively encourage DD to continue to invite other friends round, go out with them etc

You sound like a lovely mum and a considerate person sadly not everyone is.
If I were you I'd definitely try to get some background information from your friend, it could just be as simple as the mum isn't particularly arsed about what her daughter does which is sad.

If this relationship develops and you start to have serious safeguarding concerns I'd contact the school and let them know but it could go either way at the moment.

Also the fact Jane did think a sleepover at hers might be viable enough that she asked her mum is maybe a good sign it's not so horrendous at home that she herself wouldn't let friends round.

Jane's mum is a total queerhawk.

I hope it goes well @beigevase . Even for day trips, I've asked for parent details in advance, mainly so I can drop a message and let them know who their child will be with. It gives me a chance to ask about allergies etc. (one friend has a nut allergy and an epipen).

Apparently Jane is allowed to give me her house number.

Something is still very strange

Some adults are weird, some kids are weird. Realistically it’s a safe plan, both children are in your house, under your supervision. Ask Jane for her mum’s number just in case.

My concern would be what would happen if the other girl was ill or upset. Or lost or damaged her phone.