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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about my daughters sleepover

128 replies

beigevase · 28/09/2023 20:20

Here's the situation.

Dd is 11 and just started year 7. She had grown closer to a girl she went to primary school with as they have a lot of the same classes in secondary school. We will call her Jane.

Dd and Jane have organised a sleep over between themselves. Jane asked her mum if she could have a sleepover at her house but wasn't allowed. Dd then asked me and I agreed - we've had plenty of sleepovers so not a problem.

I've only ever met Jane's mum a couple of times and she has never been very chatty when I've tried to make conversation in the past. I've also collected Jane from her house for various things in the past but have never seen Jane's mum in this time - when I go to the door etc her mum has never been to the door. Never really questioned it before.

I have no contact details for Jane's mum. I asked dd if she could message Jane and ask her for her mums number and for dd to give Jane my number so that she could pass it on.

Jane sent a screenshot to my dd of a text exchange between her and her mum. Jane's mum said 'she doesn't need my number, if theres an emergency you can contact me yourself'.

So Jane's mum doesn't want me to have her number. Dd has also asked Jane if she can be dropped off at our home. She's never been before. Her mum has said no and that I will have to collect her.

It's making me feel slightly uneasy that I have no contact details for a child that I am going to be responsible for. I know I couldn't send my dd to a sleepover where I haven't confirmed that it's ok first and I also have absolutely no idea where she will be - I would need to know where her friends lived.

I know they are in secondary school now but they are only 11.

Aibu to feel uneasy about this? I've never ever had this before. I am an over protective mum so it's fine to tell me I am being unreasonable.

What age do you tend ti stop arranging these things between parents?

The thing is - dd could have any of her friends over no problem if i know the parents. This is more to do with the fact that i have no way to contact Jane's parents if i need too.

OP posts:
MadCatLady27 · 29/09/2023 18:01

I don't have children yet so yet to experience any of this, but id be wanting emergency contact details, especially as you're on your own with them - what if there was an emergency?

I hope it's something innocuous and I'm reading too much into it but there's also potential safeguarding alarm bells - could Jane's mum be an alcoholic (functioning or otherwise) and she knows if she answers the door or a potential phone call to you you'll be forced to report it as you'll be able to see? Hopefully it's only a worse case scenario but there's definitely something that doesn't feel "right". Could explain why Jane is so keen to be at yours for as long as possible to escape. It may not be alcohol, could be another potential issue, but there's a few concerns here.

Hummingbird89 · 29/09/2023 18:04

No, be upfront.
”Hi Jane, it’s DDs mum. Please ask your mum to call me before tomorrows sleepover, just a few things I need to chat about beforehand. If she doesn’t call I’ll have to cancel unfortunately.”

IggyAce · 29/09/2023 18:05

Odd response, I’d probably not let my dd stay over at Jane’s house but I’d still host. Please consider that Jane may see your house as a safe place, there also might be some low level neglect going on at home, shortage of food.

Original poster
beigevase · 29/09/2023 18:18

Hummingbird89 · 29/09/2023 18:04

No, be upfront.
”Hi Jane, it’s DDs mum. Please ask your mum to call me before tomorrows sleepover, just a few things I need to chat about beforehand. If she doesn’t call I’ll have to cancel unfortunately.”

I could do this but I'm equally worried that if there is something wrong at home that I could be putting pressure on Jane that won't go down well with her parents.

I was just trying to make it light and not a big deal so not to make Jane feel bad or awkward or for her to have to ask her mum again over something that she's already said no too.

I thought about doing this earlier on but then on reflection I don't know if it could make things worse for Jane.

I appreciate I am completely over thinking here!

OP posts:
Original poster
beigevase · 29/09/2023 18:19

IggyAce · 29/09/2023 18:05

Odd response, I’d probably not let my dd stay over at Jane’s house but I’d still host. Please consider that Jane may see your house as a safe place, there also might be some low level neglect going on at home, shortage of food.

Jane is absolutely tiny in height and weight. So possibly. Could also be just the way she is. Both her parents are the opposite though.

OP posts:
doitwithlove · 29/09/2023 18:20

Possibly Janes mum is in a controlled relationship. Not wanting to give her phone number out could be something to do with this

The fact that Jane wants your dd to herself at school could this be what she sees st home.

Jane Suggesting Mcd's and going to town may be something Jane is not allowed to do when at home.

If Janes mums number is not forthcoming I would be cancelling

Original poster
beigevase · 29/09/2023 18:23

MadCatLady27 · 29/09/2023 18:01

I don't have children yet so yet to experience any of this, but id be wanting emergency contact details, especially as you're on your own with them - what if there was an emergency?

I hope it's something innocuous and I'm reading too much into it but there's also potential safeguarding alarm bells - could Jane's mum be an alcoholic (functioning or otherwise) and she knows if she answers the door or a potential phone call to you you'll be forced to report it as you'll be able to see? Hopefully it's only a worse case scenario but there's definitely something that doesn't feel "right". Could explain why Jane is so keen to be at yours for as long as possible to escape. It may not be alcohol, could be another potential issue, but there's a few concerns here.

I think either way I will send an email to the student support leader of year 7 and ask to speak them hoping it will remain confidential. I'm not one that can let things like this lie.

OP posts:
Original poster
beigevase · 29/09/2023 18:26

I have 2 options -

Either cancel or send Jane a message off dds phone asking for her mums number.

I will not collect Jane without speaking to either one of her parents and having contact details before hand. Especially after she is apparently not allowed to bring a phone charger. We have plenty of chargers so again that's kit an issue but there has to be an underlying reason as to why and I'm just not taking any risks.

OP posts:
Thriving30 · 29/09/2023 18:41

You need an emergency contact or the sleepover can't happen.
I'd just leave it at that. Some parents just don't like speaking to other parents for whatever reason

BettyPhuckzer · 29/09/2023 18:46

As your daughters not that bothered, I'd cancel

Stellaroses · 29/09/2023 18:47

I’ve read this with interest because my 11 year old dd has a similar situation. Friend relies on us for lifts if she stays after school for anything. I was given her number through the friend, but the Mum completely ignored my msgs, for like 18months! She did start replying yes to sleepover invitations but she has never spoken to me in real life, in fact blanks me and doesn’t make eye contact, so we’ve never “met”.
Friend says mum “has social anxiety” and “just not that sort of mum I guess”. I feel sorry for her and I feel like home is chaotic.

MadCatLady27 · 29/09/2023 19:00

I think you're doing the right thing by mentioning it to the school (ask to speak to the DSL), they will potentially have a wider picture this could add to or may know more about Jane's circumstances. Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility and it's best to report a concern no matter how small. It could be nothing. But it could also be something

Original poster
beigevase · 29/09/2023 19:01

I didn't ask for it but Jane has now text dd with her mums number.

I will message mum and go from there. Still have a feeling of uncertainty but fingers crossed all now will be ok. Jane really is very excited so hopefully all will go smoothly. I have a feeling Jane's mum will now have a huge disliking towards me but again we will see.....I'm literally just trying to make sure I am doing what's best for her daughter. I know I'm not in the wrong here.

OP posts:
Blossomandbee · 29/09/2023 19:04

Could you go and knock on their door and speak face to face?
It's an odd situation and I think you need to cover yourself. You do need a point of contact, you need to know if there are foods she can't eat or any needs you should be aware of. I would be very wary of this situation especially as you will be the only adult there too.

ordinarybarbie · 29/09/2023 19:07

Does Jane have the same phone as your DD? I said to my eldest once that she couldn't take a charger as she'd broken hers and was using mine but I knew her friend had the same phone so she could use that if needed. The other stuff is weird but the charger could have a simple explanation.

CuteCillian · 29/09/2023 19:11

It's so kind that you are going to all this effort to continue with the sleepover safely for Jane.
It sounds like it's a big deal for her, and maybe her parents disengagement has cost her past friendships.

Thingamebobwotsit · 29/09/2023 19:11

Haven't waded through all the replies but as Jane will be in your house, and it is your rules, you need to have a contact number in case of an emergency. End of. You will be legally responsible for her care while she is with you. She isn't an adult yet.

Original poster
beigevase · 29/09/2023 19:11

ordinarybarbie · 29/09/2023 19:07

Does Jane have the same phone as your DD? I said to my eldest once that she couldn't take a charger as she'd broken hers and was using mine but I knew her friend had the same phone so she could use that if needed. The other stuff is weird but the charger could have a simple explanation.

I don't know what phone she has as they always use what's app so can't see if it's an iPhone etc. I thought maybe they just have one charger in the house which is understandable but add it together with everything else just makes it all uncomfortable

OP posts:
Windmill34 · 29/09/2023 19:22

She may suffer from high anxiety ir social anxiety hence not coming to the door or giving her your number. Not everyone is chatty and out going, anxiety can make you very reserved

newlystyle · 29/09/2023 19:29

Dacadactyl · 28/09/2023 21:34

I think the mum is MASSIVELY odd and I'd not let my child go to their house because of it.

I still checked things with parents til DD was about 15.

Almost everyone I know with teens do the same. I can't believe the ops child is 11 and she is unsure what to do. She is 11, a small child Fgs! Don't send her there with this kind of setup, so you really need to even ask??

Goldflap · 29/09/2023 22:00

There are some huge assumptions being made here on very little evidence and via an 11 yo child that apparently has a history of telling lies.

OP you have mentioned a close friend you trust will have known this family all through primary school so I really don't understand why you don't just put yourself out of your angst and ask her if she knows what the deal is with this family.

Feels like you are a bit over invested in it all now and have decided it's some sinister situation and it totally might not be.

Maybe she has a history of leaving chargers at sleepovers which can be very annoying and she's been in trouble for it rather than some creepy plan on mums part to ensure she can't be contacted.
She has probably forgotten her daughter that is known to embellish the truth has even been invited to a sleepover.

Ultimately if you are this uncomfortable about it just cancel it especially as your daughter seems to have got cold feet too.

Grumpy101 · 30/09/2023 16:04

I wouldn't text, call. So 1) you know you are really talking to the mum and 2) lots of things get lost in messaging

MariePaperRoses · 30/09/2023 16:12

Don't message. Call.

Spell out exactly what the child can or cannot do in your house whilst she sleeps over and ask if she has any allergies or things she won't eat or is afraid of spiders or the dark etc

I've got a strange feeling about the child and her lies so you need to speak with the mum.

For example, I can imagine the kid saying she has an allergy after eating something and pretending to be unwell for the drama and attention. You want to avoid any crap like that.

Nervosa · 30/09/2023 16:18

Has Jane been to your house before? Does she speak much about her family life?

Her parents sound like they don't give one toss about where she is or who she's with but care about her losing/breaking a phone charger, very sad.

Temporaryname158 · 30/09/2023 16:23

So in summary Jane seems a nice girl but with odd parents. She also appears to be really looking forward to staying with you.

jane might have a really unhappy home life. Her mum obviously doesn’t give a shit so I wouldn’t bog yourself down in the fact you dont have her number for emergencies. If it’s truely an emergency you’ll be ringing professionals ie 999 or Jane can call her mum.

let the girls have a good time, feed her well and ensure the bath/shower is available.

is Jane clean and well presented at school?