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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about my daughters sleepover

128 replies

beigevase · 28/09/2023 20:20

Here's the situation.

Dd is 11 and just started year 7. She had grown closer to a girl she went to primary school with as they have a lot of the same classes in secondary school. We will call her Jane.

Dd and Jane have organised a sleep over between themselves. Jane asked her mum if she could have a sleepover at her house but wasn't allowed. Dd then asked me and I agreed - we've had plenty of sleepovers so not a problem.

I've only ever met Jane's mum a couple of times and she has never been very chatty when I've tried to make conversation in the past. I've also collected Jane from her house for various things in the past but have never seen Jane's mum in this time - when I go to the door etc her mum has never been to the door. Never really questioned it before.

I have no contact details for Jane's mum. I asked dd if she could message Jane and ask her for her mums number and for dd to give Jane my number so that she could pass it on.

Jane sent a screenshot to my dd of a text exchange between her and her mum. Jane's mum said 'she doesn't need my number, if theres an emergency you can contact me yourself'.

So Jane's mum doesn't want me to have her number. Dd has also asked Jane if she can be dropped off at our home. She's never been before. Her mum has said no and that I will have to collect her.

It's making me feel slightly uneasy that I have no contact details for a child that I am going to be responsible for. I know I couldn't send my dd to a sleepover where I haven't confirmed that it's ok first and I also have absolutely no idea where she will be - I would need to know where her friends lived.

I know they are in secondary school now but they are only 11.

Aibu to feel uneasy about this? I've never ever had this before. I am an over protective mum so it's fine to tell me I am being unreasonable.

What age do you tend ti stop arranging these things between parents?

The thing is - dd could have any of her friends over no problem if i know the parents. This is more to do with the fact that i have no way to contact Jane's parents if i need too.

OP posts:
SchoolQuestionnaire · 29/09/2023 16:15

Proudgypsy · 28/09/2023 21:51

Some parents astound me. How on earth could you be fine with not knowing where your 11 year old is overnight?

I agree.

I can’t imagine not wanting to drop your dc off and see where they will be spending the night or exchanging details with the parents just in case. Yes the dc has a phone but if something was to happen and they were incapacitated you likely wouldn’t be able to access it. She’s only 11, this is borderline neglect.

Thar being said op I wouldn’t cancel. It’s not the child’s fault that her dm doesn’t care and it sounds like she might need something to look forward to. poor thing.

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 29/09/2023 16:18

I think its odd. Once my dc went to senior school some parents do take a big step back, even in year 7. I remember at 16yo my dd had a few of her friends sleep over and one dad came to the house to formally introduce himself a few nights before, to suss us out really. I thought that was really nice, as most other parents wouldn't have known us from Adam.

Original poster
beigevase · 29/09/2023 16:23

Another update - Jane is not allowed to bring a phone charger.

OP posts:
14blackcrows · 29/09/2023 16:27

Its very odd but dont punish poor Jane for it. Let the girls have their sleepover. Jane presumably has her mums number.
Not everyone has a nice healthy family. Some kids are living in wierd unsettled situations. Thres not much you can do here expect help them have a nice sleepover.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/09/2023 16:30

Yeah that's really odd. Dd (y7) has today asked if her new classmate can come sleepover one day so I thought best collecting the girl with dd so the mum can at least meet me and we can swap numbers or whatever.

Jane's mum sounds either lazy/laid back as shit or just completely disinterested in her own child's safety.

OhmygodDont · 29/09/2023 16:30

I think janes mum/dad is bat shit.

Id do this sleep over this once but likely never again.

Natalya123 · 29/09/2023 16:32

It's the next step up from the mumsnet custom of not answering the front door. 😂

SoSad44 · 29/09/2023 16:35

I don’t believe half of this. The screenshot’s can easily faked and she is probably lying to her mum too. Why wouldn’t she be allowed to bring her charger?

Dramatic · 29/09/2023 16:41

beigevase · 28/09/2023 23:33

While I agree - I don't think that's my responsibility to do that. It's not how sleepovers work - not in our friendship group at least. There's been times when dds friends have gone home in the past and parents have always come to collect.

If I turn it around - I would be mortified if dds friends parents dropped dd off in the middle of the night because she was throwing up everywhere. My dd - my responsibility.

Show quote history

Do they drive? I've had to take a kid home in the middle of the night before because her parents didn't drive. Not that unreasonable really

Finteq · 29/09/2023 16:44

I think Jane's lying.

You only have her words for a lot of this.

Superduper02 · 29/09/2023 16:44

beigevase · 29/09/2023 16:23

Another update - Jane is not allowed to bring a phone charger.

Good grief. I'm getting creeped out. What is that about?!

Original poster
beigevase · 29/09/2023 16:44

SoSad44 · 29/09/2023 16:35

I don’t believe half of this. The screenshot’s can easily faked and she is probably lying to her mum too. Why wouldn’t she be allowed to bring her charger?

She's sent dd a text saying she's not allowed to bring it. I have absolutely no idea what's going on anymore but I am wondering if this is Jane's doing.

I think I need to cancel. My gut feeling now is telling me this could all end in tears and as a single mum, I don't think it's a good idea to even try. I'm not willing to disrupt my young dc sleep if this all goes tits up and I need to take her home.

We've been doing sleepovers for years and I've never ever known anything like this before.

OP posts:
Original poster
beigevase · 29/09/2023 16:47

@Dramatic the dad drives and they have car. Not sure if her mum drives.

It wouldn't be a big deal if I could actually speak to the parents. But like I've said, I have young dc to think about and if she needed to go home for any reason, I depict much rather be able to know I can contact mum or dad to come and collect rather than walking my household up in order to take her home. Especially as they do have a car.

OP posts:
Jackiebrambles · 29/09/2023 16:50

Just read through all of this, you are definitely right to be concerned, this is weird. Re the charger thing, I wonder is that so her phone won’t be charged / will die so she can’t contact home?!

Superduper02 · 29/09/2023 16:51

beigevase · 29/09/2023 16:44

She's sent dd a text saying she's not allowed to bring it. I have absolutely no idea what's going on anymore but I am wondering if this is Jane's doing.

I think I need to cancel. My gut feeling now is telling me this could all end in tears and as a single mum, I don't think it's a good idea to even try. I'm not willing to disrupt my young dc sleep if this all goes tits up and I need to take her home.

We've been doing sleepovers for years and I've never ever known anything like this before.

Show quote history

It's just becoming weird. Either DD is lying and parents know nothing about this so called sleepover (she may well 'cancel' last minute and go where she is really planning to go under the guise of you looking after her all weekend) or the parents are not the sort of family your DD needs to be getting closer to. That might sound judgy but speaking from experience. Trust your gut!

If it's all genuine then you will probably hear from Jane's mum to say 'sorry I've caused all this confusion, can we try again bla bla bla'

Superduper02 · 29/09/2023 16:52

Jackiebrambles · 29/09/2023 16:50

Just read through all of this, you are definitely right to be concerned, this is weird. Re the charger thing, I wonder is that so her phone won’t be charged / will die so she can’t contact home?!

100%

Sunsept · 29/09/2023 16:53

LakeTiticaca · 28/09/2023 21:18

Tell your daughter that Jane can't sleepover until you have spoken to the mother.
The end

I agree with this. I insist on contact details for a parent when DC have sleepovers.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/09/2023 17:08

I'll bet Jane is a chronic "I want to go home now" at 11pm kid and her mum has plans to be out that night.

So mum knows Jane will call or message her when she's on a night out, or you'll call. So she's blocking that opportunity for both of you.

Original poster
beigevase · 29/09/2023 17:12

Jackiebrambles · 29/09/2023 16:50

Just read through all of this, you are definitely right to be concerned, this is weird. Re the charger thing, I wonder is that so her phone won’t be charged / will die so she can’t contact home?!

Possibly. Dd does say regularly that Jane does lie about things a lot. It has really frustrated dd in the past but I've always thought it was just Jane trying to fit in with the other girls but maybe it goes a lot deeper than that.

Dd understands my concerns completely and also feels something isn't right - she knows the drill with sleepovers. She has suggested cancelling and doesn't seem fussed.

I have thought about sending Jane a message myself off dds phone just saying something like:

Hi, it's dds mum, can you give me your mums number or get her to text me please as I would need to have some contact details for when you come and stay tomorrow. Thank you'

But then I sort of think do we just cancel altogether with a white lie of one of the younger dc is poorly.

OP posts:
cheddercherry · 29/09/2023 17:20

The phone charger thing is really weird? Because then you’ve really got no way to contact them (and kids phones will be low at the end of the day) but they also don’t have any way to contact their daughter? No way would I let my DS stay at someone’s house KNOWING he’s not got a way to contact me, especially someone I’ve never met.

If your daughter isn’t fussed and on top of her feeling pressured by the girl I think maybe cancelling isn’t such a bad thing. It’s a massive flag if this friend is isolating your daughter from her friend group. Regardless of her home situation it doesn’t excuse using guilt or pressure to manipulate the relationship. If this was a BF for example people would say it’s out of order, friendships work the same you shouldn’t feel guilted into a relationship. It feels weirdly pressured for what’s supposed to be a lighthearted sleepover.

WonderingWanda · 29/09/2023 17:25

Jane's Mum sounds like a bit of a dick. Jane won't be able to phone her in the event of an emergency if the emergency renders Jane incapacitated for example an unexpected seizure, allergic reaction or being hit by a car etc.

However, just because Jane's Mum doesn't give a shit about her daughter why should your dd and Jane suffer. I would still let her stay and then in the event of an emergency just contact social services who will be able to track the mother down.

I'd also get in tough with the schools safeguarding lead and pass your thoughts on to them, just in case this weirdness is part of a wider pattern of issues Jane is experiencing.

Superduper02 · 29/09/2023 17:29

If DD is cool to cancel then cancel like a shot!

Ormally · 29/09/2023 17:32

Either Jane or the mum is being evasive - either because Jane has another agenda with her mum of where she says she will be (more likely once the kids are older, I hope), or mum would not be home/close by/attending to her phone if you or Jane did have to ring in the night.

Neither is good.

BeverleyMacker · 29/09/2023 17:35

If the mum won't meet you beforehand,or give her contact details then it'll be no sleepover if I was in your shoes.

Grumpy101 · 29/09/2023 17:45

Something is off. She's lieing and I bet her mum doesn't even know about the sleepover.

You would also be protecting your DD. The fact that Jane is suffocating DD, doesn't want DD to talk to other friends and lies a lot, means this is not a good friendship for your DD and once DD pisses her off she will be on the receiving end of god knows what kind of harassment. Jane sounds unwell and possessive. Cancel.