To be concerned about my daughters sleepover

[beigevase]

Here's the situation.

Dd is 11 and just started year 7. She had grown closer to a girl she went to primary school with as they have a lot of the same classes in secondary school. We will call her Jane.

Dd and Jane have organised a sleep over between themselves. Jane asked her mum if she could have a sleepover at her house but wasn't allowed. Dd then asked me and I agreed - we've had plenty of sleepovers so not a problem.

I've only ever met Jane's mum a couple of times and she has never been very chatty when I've tried to make conversation in the past. I've also collected Jane from her house for various things in the past but have never seen Jane's mum in this time - when I go to the door etc her mum has never been to the door. Never really questioned it before.

I have no contact details for Jane's mum. I asked dd if she could message Jane and ask her for her mums number and for dd to give Jane my number so that she could pass it on.

Jane sent a screenshot to my dd of a text exchange between her and her mum. Jane's mum said 'she doesn't need my number, if theres an emergency you can contact me yourself'.

So Jane's mum doesn't want me to have her number. Dd has also asked Jane if she can be dropped off at our home. She's never been before. Her mum has said no and that I will have to collect her.

It's making me feel slightly uneasy that I have no contact details for a child that I am going to be responsible for. I know I couldn't send my dd to a sleepover where I haven't confirmed that it's ok first and I also have absolutely no idea where she will be - I would need to know where her friends lived.

I know they are in secondary school now but they are only 11.

Aibu to feel uneasy about this? I've never ever had this before. I am an over protective mum so it's fine to tell me I am being unreasonable.

What age do you tend ti stop arranging these things between parents?

The thing is - dd could have any of her friends over no problem if i know the parents. This is more to do with the fact that i have no way to contact Jane's parents if i need too.

It's odd, but then there are alot of odd people around, it doesn't necessarily mean anything is untoward.
I would just be extremely grateful that the sleepover is at your house and DD isn't asking to go to there!
I don't think the asking for McDonald's and stuff is odd. I know my DD and her friends talk about what food and snacks they are having before a sleepover. Some kids worry that they might be fed food they'll hate and will feel awkward.

That makes me feel sad for them, bless them. I hope Jane has been polite in asking for these treats at least.
I get a feeling that maybe she’s not very happy at home, but could be a total reach.

id feel uneasy and suspicious of it all too, but Jane has a phone & you know where she lives. I’m sure it’ll all be fine. The mum might not be on that maternal wavelength

Really odd but it’s the kind of thing a mum on here would do - introvert/social anxiety/ phone phobia etc.

She's asked for treats, face masks etc too. She's also asked if I can drip them off at the local shopping centre and collect them. How am I supposed to do that without confirming with Jane's mum that it's ok? Dd has some friends who are allowed at this shopping centre un supervised and some friends who aren't allowed at all.

The thing is I would do all of the above no problem. It's not an issue but it feels like it is due to Jane's parents.

I feel sorry for Jane. Reading through the messages it's like this sleepover is a huge deal for her. It's like she's treating it as a little holiday over anything else and that does concern me. I think it would break her heart if I were to cancel. I think it could possibly be beneficial for her to come - she's certainly not shy so it might help to try figure out if there's anything that could be really concerning.

However I think the best thing to do is stick to my rules. I'll ask Jane for her mums contact details as soon as she opens the door. Jane wants me to collect her at 3pm and drop her off at tea time the next day but I'm not going to do this.

Equally though I feel I should just cancel.....but then none of this is Jane's fault and it sounds like she reallu is desperate to come.

Like others have said - I don't feel comfortable having a child here that if she becomes ill and her phone is dead then I have no way to contact her parents. Just doesn't sit right with me at all!

I don't think I had any of my DS's friend's parent's numbers when they came over when he was in secondary. There are very few home-based emergencies where an 11 year old wouldn't be able to contact their mum (assuming they have a phone), or relay a number. I do think the risk is pretty small that anything disastrous is going to happen and so I wouldn't prevent a sleepover just because of this.

Having said that if a mum had asked for my contact details in this scenario I certainly wouldn't have refused to provide them, or demanded that the parent come and collect my child.

I suspect there could be more going on at home here with all the other things you've mentioned.

It does collectively sound odd and tbh I’d want contact details to make sure it was all confirmed that she had parental permission to be at yours etc. Without you have it any contact it’s harder to judge if the other stuff is just because she never gets treats etc at home or if she’s using the sleepover/ your daughter to get what she wants. Context is everything because it could be a kid who’s been dealt a fairly shit hand who could do with some escapism with a friend, or could be a totally average kid who just happens to have a mum who doesn’t socialise at all?

I absolutely agree. She has absolutely no idea where we live.

I also could be an absolute weirdo (I'm not!) and the parents would be none the wiser.

It baffles me.

You're not being overprotective, I would feel the same as you in this situation, its very weird. Definitely don't let your daughter stay at their house and don't make these sleepovers a regular thing at yours.

I think you are finding what is common as your child goes through secondary school. There is real poverty in this country. Her mum is probably embarrassed by this. I have been genuinely shocked by some of the situations and stories I have heard over the last few years from my children

Alarm bells started ringing when Jane sent the screenshot to dd saying that I don't need her number.

She could be a mother that just doesn't think in that way. But if I ask for it when I am going to be responsible for looking after her child for a night then it's surely her duty to give me it.

She doesn't want to exchange details for whatever reason so there must be an underlying reason why or it would be a big deal.

I could actually message another one of dds friends mum and ask her. She is a childhood friend of mine and absolutely lovely. I would trust her with my concern. Dd only joined her primary school at the start of year 6 - another reason why I don't know Jane's mother well but my friend may be able to give me some advice.

Tbh I was glad when Jane's mum said no. I knew she would anyway. It was originally planned for a few other friends but it turns out the other girls are either busy or just don't want to come apart from Jane. I definitely wouldn't have let dd stay there by herself - and I would of absolutely needed to speak to Jane's mum beforehand which obviously couldn't of happened so it's safe to say she will never be going!

I think you're overthinking it all. Yes Jane's mum is being a bit weird and definitely not safeguarding her child. But I don't think there's any reason to cancel or avoid Jane coming for a sleepover. In the very worst case scenario you might need to wake up other kids in order to drive her home, or take to hospital but that's so unlikely. You can contact them as you know where they live.

It's going to end in tears.

The kid is going to stay one night and then it's going to be all the time.

The Apple doesn't fall far from the tree and the kid is going to be very possessive about your daughter.

This is also my thinking. Although we actually live quite far from Jane - absolutely not walking distance so it's not like she can just come knocking on the door all the time.

Under no circumstances would I have a child in my care without contact details for their parent that I can use if that child has an accident or takes unwell and isn't able to contact them herself. I also would be wary that the mum is refusing to do drop off, I'd be worried that if Jane needed to go home in the wee hours that that mum or dad is going to come get her. It all seems off and I know it could all go swimmingly on the day but its not a risk I would take personally. I'd ask to speak to the mum when you collect her and ask her for the number directly. If she says no then explain you'll only contact her in an absolute emergency.

While I agree - I don't think that's my responsibility to do that. It's not how sleepovers work - not in our friendship group at least. There's been times when dds friends have gone home in the past and parents have always come to collect.

If I turn it around - I would be mortified if dds friends parents dropped dd off in the middle of the night because she was throwing up everywhere. My dd - my responsibility.

Gosh, it seems I'm over-cautious with sleepovers.
My son is 14 and if he asks to go for a sleepover I always make sure I have a parent's number and they have mine.
Likewise I make sure parents of his mates sleeping at ours have my number.
They are all still children.

One hard lesson for me was when I did have the number of the Dad where DS was sleeping, but not the address. DS text me at nearly midnight saying he didn't feel safe and could I collect him. I could see him on Snap Chat maps and collected him easily enough. I could then text the Dad and say I'd collected DS. Turns out that Dad came home from the pub drunk and stoned and started shouting and throwing stuff about. Nowhere near where the boys were, but scary none the less.

Also, DS knows that I want to check a parent is home if they're having a party - check on the drink situation (I know parents draw different lines with teenagers) and where boys and girls are sleeping. That's not such an issue with 11 year olds (hopefully), but I've set the ground rules.

Yeah this is me too.

As I've said already, I'm a single mum with other young children. I have no one to help me if that situation did occur and it's something I should make sure I have covered if that situation did arise. I shouldn't have to wake my children if Jane needs to leave for whatever reason. There's also the worry that Jane's parents might not even answer to her - probably over thinking that but 🤷🏻‍♀️

The likelihood is it will go absolutely fine but we've had that many sleepovers over the years and they don't always go fine. Too many sweets, too excited, feeling homesick and anxious can all end in kids being sick or just not able to sleep and wanting or needing to go home. It actually happened to dd last year. She started being sick at around 6am at her friends house. I couldn't even dream of not collecting her and I couldn't apologise enough even though it was no one's fault. It's just common courtesy

I wouldn’t cancel but I would:
Write your address and phone number and hand this to Jane’s mum. Wait until she comes to the door when you collect Jane.
Jane shows you her mum’s number in her phone for you to copy/ping to yours.
You decide what the girls eat and do while with you. They can do a craft activity, watch a movie, they don’t have to go to a mall.
If there is something amiss at home Jane is more likely to tell you, maybe her mum is ill, broke and there’s not enough food in the house etc…

Yes I agree. Dd says Jane lies about a lot of things. Shes always said this. None of the lies are huge, it's just more like Jane is lying about things in order to fit in with the rest of the girls. She is also very clingy and I think dd has felt quite suffocated by Jane recently as Jane doesn't want dd even speaking to any of her other friends.

I don't know - I'm not happy about any of this but I do feel like I need to listen to my gut and see if I can find out if Jane actually is ok. She's a tiny little thing, looks way younger than 11. She has always been polite and chatty whenever I've spoken with her in the past

I would be very concerned. There waa a thread on here the other day about a young teen living home alone for many month whilst her mum was in hospital

But you were going to presumably allow your dd to stay there?

I wouldn't even have her over for a few hours never mind over night.

I have major anxiety and I absolutely hate dealing with my Childrens friends parents but it's not my kids fault so I try to do it as easily as possible ie via text like you tried to do.

Thats a bit harsh. If she is a child who has hard up parents and an obviously strange Mum maybe this is her wee opportunity to ask for thing she cant normally enjoy. You shouldn't shame a child by telling them it’s rude. If she asks for McDonalds OP can say “sorry love we have dinner plans but maybe next time”
I remember going to sleepovers with my friends and writing lists of all the fun things we would including party food stuff, sweets, popcorn, chocolate, fizzy drinks. It’s what young girls do at sleepover

As long as your DD wants her to sleepover, there is no reason to cancel it. Maybe she is pushing her luck abit asking for all the things, but maybe she hasn't had many sleepovers before, so she's just really excited? She is only 11. She must have her mums number, tell your DD to get it off her and tell her that's the only way she can sleepover. Her mums a weirdo, but if your DD likes her then let her stay and have a nice time.

I've never said she is rude? Nor have I said her family is struggling financially. At the moment I have the absolute minimum information - I've no idea of her parents are struggling financially. Even if they were, I'm not sure why that means I can't have her mums number while I'm in the care of her child.