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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner’s stepchild wants to live with us but I'm not sure

133 replies

marine1675 · 28/09/2023 16:27

DP has a stepson (aged 16) he's been in his life since he was very young and he doesn't have a relationship with his bio dad. He carried on seeing him after he split with his mum and was still supporting her financially. She met someone new and got married but she sadly passed away 3.5 years ago and he stayed with the husband. DP tried to support him but he stopped replying to him as often and he didn't really come here. He still bought him birthday and Christmas presents but he wasn't giving money to the husband as they didn't have much contact. When he turned 16 DP messaged him saying happy birthday and stepchild asked DP if they could do something. DP agreed and took him out and he told DP that the husband didn't get him anything for his birthday and hadn't mentioned his birthday so he'd probably forgotten. We tried to make his day as good as possible then we didn't hear from him for a while.

He's started sleeping over regularly the past few weeks and mentioned that the husband has a new partner that has moved in but that was it. He came here yesterday and was upset, he wouldn't say why and we didn't want to question him whilst he was upset so we left him be. Before college he told us that he was kicked out and wants to live here and before we could ask why he left to go to college. I'm unsure and think we should know why he was kicked out before we agree, I think we would struggle to afford him to live here fulltime but we would make it work by cutting back on a few things. DP thinks we should let him without needing to know as it's his business not ours. AIBU?

OP posts:

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 28/09/2023 16:30

sounds awful for the poor boy but does your partner have parental responsibility for this child?

tescocreditcard · 28/09/2023 16:30

Yabu to even question it. It's not often a thread makes me angry but this one has. Poor kid.

gm2023 · 28/09/2023 16:32

Who else does this child have in his life to love and protect him? I’m not saying it should be your partner’s responsibility but it needs to be someone’s. I’m not sure he’s got anyone right now from what you’ve written. It sounds incredibly difficult for this young person and he needs signposting towards support, if not your hospitality. It sounds like he needs some decent humans around him, whoever they may be.

cupan · 28/09/2023 16:32

Wow, poor kid has had so much loss in his life. Presumably the man who now lives in his family home doesn't feel the same connection to him that your partner does despite both of the men being step fathers. If he's already 16 could it conceivably just be for 3 or 4 years? Sounds like your partner is the only semblance of a parental figure he has.

PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 28/09/2023 16:34

Oh gosh. Poor kid. He’s had such a rough time of things. Would there be any financial support available for you while he’s a minor if he were to move in? Like Foster carer payments? Or if there was life insurance or something of that sort from his mother could something be put towards his costs? Even if it was just to pay his college/apprenticeship transport costs, his own money for clothes/phone/going out etc? If he has a social worker then you could call them and ask for advice.

Grumpyold · 28/09/2023 16:35

Gosh that really is hard, I don't think it's as cir and dried as PP suggests. I do think you need to be certain you're in it for the long haul before setting the poor lad up for more loss. Are social services involved at all? I dont know if it's different because he's 16, but I know a step father wanting residency of a child without their mother does cause some extra safeguarding concerns.

HamBone · 28/09/2023 16:36

Poor boy, what an awful situation losing his Mum so young.

I think that your DP should contact the husband and arrange to talk this through. I agree that you need to find out why his step-son was kicked out (if he actually was) and then decide on a long-term plan.

You and your DP are clearly caring people. 💐

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 28/09/2023 16:38

Sorry ignore misread OP

Toddlerteaplease · 28/09/2023 16:38

@Lastqueenofscotland2 he's not his dad.

EyesOnThePies · 28/09/2023 16:40

Poor boy.

Amongst everything else I hope his Mum had a will and looked after him. Otherwise he is seeing her H bring another woman into his home while he has nothing.

The other man sounds cold and uncaring if he forgot his birthday. I dare say new woman couldn’t see why she should have a teen around the house. I wouldn’t press on why he was kicked out, unless you have other cause to believe that there is something serious in his general behaviour.

I am guessing that he is in 6th form, and may well be off to Uni within two years. I would want to support him into his adult life.

Beamur · 28/09/2023 16:41

SS has no living parent? Poor kid.
If you think you could house him - potentially until he leaves for university or gets a job? I'd imagine a conversation with him and maybe social services to ensure he has the support he needs. Presumably as he's not an adult yet there would be some financial support for him?

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 28/09/2023 16:41

Poor kid. Surely there is some agency involvement somewhere here if his mum died when he was 12/13 and the bloke he was living with isn't even his dad.

He clearly sees your OH as more his dad than anyone else has ever been. It's pretty shitty for him really isn't it

RoundInACircle · 28/09/2023 16:42

Poor kid has really been through it all and honestly I wouldn't be able to turn him away, what other option does he have except a man who married his mum a few years ago.

Poor lad is clearly desperate for someone, anyone to show they care about him, please be those people before he finds himself with nobody.

OrlandointheWilderness · 28/09/2023 16:45

I think tbh that I would say yes and try and give him a secure loving home. Or I hope I would. Poor lad. I would want to know why he's been kicked out though of course.

isthesolution · 28/09/2023 16:47

I think I'd want to sit down with the person he is living with and the step son and ask the situation.

We don't know the full story. Poor child is grieving and lost for sure but could he have stolen, be taking drugs, be in a gang - I think you need more info and to work through it all together being very clear on your house rules before you start.

Elfandwellbeing · 28/09/2023 16:52

Who is his nearest relative ?
it’s not cut and dry, informal foster arrangement do not pay, can you afford it ? What if he was unwell, you need to explore with social services, even if to inform them this boy is vulnerable

gotomomo · 28/09/2023 16:52

Of course he should come and live with you, poor kid, but if provision was left with the widower husband he should be consulted at least. Social services should be informed of the situation so legal responsibility can be arranged, also they may be able to arrange help for the young person who is obviously in one of the worst situations young people can be, poor thing

Owjrbvr · 28/09/2023 16:57

Who has parental responsibility for him? Legally? In terms of money you can claim child benefit for him if he’s in education. I’d be taking to social services about what support there is especially if there isn’t anyone who legally has parental responsibility for him. Even within your care there may be support you can get and if he doesn’t live with you then you certainly need to contact them to make sure he has a home and not just sofa surfing. He may be 16 but he’s legally a child still

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/09/2023 16:59

I would absolutely want to speak to his other stepfather to find out whether the boy is really being told to leave, and whether there is any other reason for this than a lack of obligation to keep him (hopefully it is just that).

krustykittens · 28/09/2023 17:08

I think you need to talk to social services ASAP. Where is his bio dad? Is there any change he would want custody? If not, and you are happy to take him in after you have found out the reasons why he is being kicked out, I would find out if there is any financial support you could access. You and your DP sound like good people and if he already has a relationship with this boy, it could really turn this lad's life around. I feel for him, does he have no bio family at all since his mum passed?

averylongtimeago · 28/09/2023 17:12

That poor kid. No mum, bio dad vanished, second stepdad brings a new woman in and he's kicked out.

Not had much care in his life has he?

If you don't take him in, what's the alternative? Some sort of care home? The streets?

It probably won't be easy, even teens with perfect upbringings can be sods, but can you really turn him away?

You need to find out the legal situation, who, in law, is responsible for him? Can you take him in? Why had he been kicked out?
If you turn him away, could you live with yourself if something bad happened to him?

Spambod · 28/09/2023 17:12

I think you need to find out what is happening with his current living situation. Don't rush in it could be serious and he might be really difficult to live with. If you are ok with him living with you then you both need to let social services know and get parental responsibility for him again you may not as i assume if his mym died some time ago then his new step dad currently has parental responsibility and may not want to give that up.. This will entitle you to about £90 child benefit per month. He may be able to claim universal credit in his circumstances which will help with the money side of it. He may also be able to get help financially from his college.

CherryMaDeara · 28/09/2023 17:13

tescocreditcard · 28/09/2023 16:30

Yabu to even question it. It's not often a thread makes me angry but this one has. Poor kid.

Why wouldn't she question it? The boy isn't her son or her partner's son.

It would be very kind to let him move in but please don't act like it's OP's responsibility to do this without question.

Do you have another man and woman's (who is not your partner) child living you full time?

amylou8 · 28/09/2023 17:15

My eldest has had no contact with his bio dad, and his step dad has been in his life since he was a baby. We split when he was 7, but he remained his father in every way but biology. He's adult now, but if something had happened to me while he was still a child it went without saying that he would have cared for him.

CherryMaDeara · 28/09/2023 17:16

OP, what is the housing situation? Did his mum leave a property behind? Hope the new H isn't taking over.

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