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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner’s stepchild wants to live with us but I'm not sure

133 replies

marine1675 · 28/09/2023 16:27

DP has a stepson (aged 16) he's been in his life since he was very young and he doesn't have a relationship with his bio dad. He carried on seeing him after he split with his mum and was still supporting her financially. She met someone new and got married but she sadly passed away 3.5 years ago and he stayed with the husband. DP tried to support him but he stopped replying to him as often and he didn't really come here. He still bought him birthday and Christmas presents but he wasn't giving money to the husband as they didn't have much contact. When he turned 16 DP messaged him saying happy birthday and stepchild asked DP if they could do something. DP agreed and took him out and he told DP that the husband didn't get him anything for his birthday and hadn't mentioned his birthday so he'd probably forgotten. We tried to make his day as good as possible then we didn't hear from him for a while.

He's started sleeping over regularly the past few weeks and mentioned that the husband has a new partner that has moved in but that was it. He came here yesterday and was upset, he wouldn't say why and we didn't want to question him whilst he was upset so we left him be. Before college he told us that he was kicked out and wants to live here and before we could ask why he left to go to college. I'm unsure and think we should know why he was kicked out before we agree, I think we would struggle to afford him to live here fulltime but we would make it work by cutting back on a few things. DP thinks we should let him without needing to know as it's his business not ours. AIBU?

OP posts:

bellsandwhistles333 · 28/09/2023 17:20

I think it's awfully sad but also not a situation that can be handled soley on emotions.

It doesn't sound like your husband views him as a 'son' and more of a step son am I alright? ( coming from someone who's husband has two biological children and a stepson he took on from aged 2 the relationships are definitely not the same)

I think if you are both willing to give him your full love and attention it would be wonderful but also if that isn't possible I would say he needs to maybe contact other family or look at other options and you can stay in his life but not having full responsibility?

Tohaveandtohold · 28/09/2023 17:23

tescocreditcard · 28/09/2023 16:30

Yabu to even question it. It's not often a thread makes me angry but this one has. Poor kid.

Why won’t the op question it? They’re not his parents and don’t have parental responsibility for him. It’ll be a good thing for them to house him if they have the means but they should know why he left his step father’s house and also try and get all the help they can for him and also for them since there will obviously be costs involved.
Also does his mum have other family members like his grandparents, mum’s siblings, etc as I feel this is a time they should get involved

AtlasPine · 28/09/2023 17:24

Seems like fate is giving you the chance to do one huge life changing thing for this lad. Even if it is only for two years, it will mean the world to him. I would give it my best in your situation.

Wallywobbles · 28/09/2023 17:29

I think there are a lot of questions that need asking. Maybe not immediately but soon.

If the OP would struggle financially would they be entitled to any financial help from the state? If so who is getting it now?
Does anyone have parental responsibility for him?
Who owns the house where he lived with his mum?
Did he get any inheritance? If so where is it now? Has it been protected?

NynaeveSedaiOfTheYellowAjah · 28/09/2023 17:32

Your DP is his only parental figure. He took that role in the kid's life years ago and he can't just abdicate it now. Take him in.

Original poster

marine1675 · 28/09/2023 17:33

I didn't say he couldn't stay but I do want to know why he was kicked out before agreeing to him staying. His mums death was sudden but she wanted him to stay living with his new stepdad as that's where he was settled. I think he has PR.

There isn't really any of his mums family except an aunt and cousins but they live in another country.

OP posts:

Grumpyold · 28/09/2023 17:36

NynaeveSedaiOfTheYellowAjah · 28/09/2023 17:32

Your DP is his only parental figure. He took that role in the kid's life years ago and he can't just abdicate it now. Take him in.

It sounds like DP was pushed out of /no longer required in that role several years ago.

What other family does he have?

MarySmit · 28/09/2023 17:38

You need to speak to whoever has parental responsibility first. Otherwise you are taking in a runaway, and could find yourself in hot water.

Social services should also be involved if he comes to live with you, as you are both unrelated and he is a child. It would be an informal fostering arrangement.

PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 28/09/2023 17:39

If you do go for it, establish some ground rules with him right at the beginning. Like you expect him to be going to College/Apprentissage/Uni or getting a job. A sensible weekday curfew and a later weekend curfew for now with any staying out overnight at a friend’s place etc okayed with you first. Likewise for bringing anyone home with him esp. overnight. When he’s a year or two older this can change to him just informing you of when he’ll be home rather than asking permission. Depending on what financial help is available to you and to him, let him know what you expect him to pay for (assuming he has control of some money) and what you will be providing. - It might be you paying for everything until he’s 18 when things might switch up and might need to contribute a bit to household costs. If I was in this situation and I had the means then I wouldn’t be charging him market rent or anything but I would be trying to encourage financial literacy and independence as rapidly as possible so that the kid feels he has options in the world. So at 19 if he’s not enjoying living with you he can sit down and work out how to move out and into a houseshare and not be thinking about running away and ending up homeless like he may be doing now.

CherryMaDeara · 28/09/2023 17:40

NynaeveSedaiOfTheYellowAjah · 28/09/2023 17:32

Your DP is his only parental figure. He took that role in the kid's life years ago and he can't just abdicate it now. Take him in.

Ridiculous. Even when a man has parental responsibility, you're STILL looking for a woman to take responsibility.

MagpiePi · 28/09/2023 17:40

I think you need to speak to the husband and find out both sides of the story rather than just take the word of a sixteen year old.

RoundInACircle · 28/09/2023 17:42

marine1675 · 28/09/2023 17:33

There isn't really any of his mums family except an aunt and cousins but they live in another country.

I'm not going to lie it sounds incredibly convenient that he's just turned 16 and this man has now said he has to leave. I wouldn't be surprised to learn he'd actually done nothing especially wrong other than got older.

Iris1976 · 28/09/2023 17:43

I think as your husband is the father figure who has been in the boys life the longest,you should definitely let the boy stay,I bet he's feeling very pushed out at home.

PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 28/09/2023 17:43

If he’s with you now, then check his stepdad/mum’s husband knows where he is. He needs to at least be told the kid is safe. If that relationship has broken down so badly that he won’t entertain the idea of you speaking to his stepdad then you need to call the police and perhaps his school just to let them know where he is and that he’s safe. Then you need to get social services involved. If he does come to stay with you temporarily or permanently you need it all above board and legal so keep yourselves safe from reproach.

londonrach · 28/09/2023 17:44

Poor kid. You need to find out who has pr for him. He needs a stable home and adults who care for him. Your DH sounds lovely to have done this so far.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 28/09/2023 17:44

Christ that poor boy has literally no one in the world, what a heartbreaking situation to be going through that at such a young age. :(

ntmdino · 28/09/2023 17:48

Obvious first step is to contact the other stepdad and find out what happened.

Gotta say, though, I'd be leaning heavily towards taking him in, even if it's only temporary until whatever the situation is with the other guy can be resolved.

Poor kid doesn't need more rejection in his life, and...while it's not necessarily your responsibility directly, I'd see it as my duty as a human being were I in the same situation.

Grumpyold · 28/09/2023 17:52

I think you need a lot more information before making a decision. Not necessarily why he's been thrown out because ultimately does that matter, but what the actual situation is with the other step father , any social services involvement, who's responsible for him financially.

I think if DH wants to do it, you can't stand in his way. If you asked me to make a choice like that, you wouldn't win, but you do both need to be sure you're in it for the long term before setting him up for more loss..

Tryingmybestadhd · 28/09/2023 17:55

my partners step son ( he married his mum whne he was 3 ) calls him dad and had little contact with his bio dad , he tells everyone he is my partners son therefore I see him as his son as much as his younger son . He doesn’t do as much with us as his biological son as he is older ( he is 21 ) and has started going on holidays alone etc but to me I would treat him as my partners son .
At 16 , he I still a child , a child that lost his mum , he needs help and I feel it would be very unfair for you both to turn his back on him . You can get child benefit if he still studies and you can try and see if his mum left him some money in a trust to help etc but help him , he clearly needs his dad

Sloth66 · 28/09/2023 17:56

MarySmit · 28/09/2023 17:38

You need to speak to whoever has parental responsibility first. Otherwise you are taking in a runaway, and could find yourself in hot water.

Social services should also be involved if he comes to live with you, as you are both unrelated and he is a child. It would be an informal fostering arrangement.

This.

Delphinium20 · 28/09/2023 17:57

Usually I'd say no but this is such a unique situation that all I can think is poor kid needs someone stable who can be on his corner. I think your DP should do whatever he can to help this poor kid. You aren't married so you can leave if if doesn't work for you but honestly, please consider trying or of you can't, step away and give your DP 'permission' to help this kid. It may be intensive for a few years but it will completely help this kid for the rest of his life of your DP takes him in at this critical time.

My DH and I took in a teen friend of our DD for one year and eased him into independent living. He graduated school and is now at university and employed part time. He calls us every now and then to tell us how happy he is and how grateful he could live with us as he believes without that he'd have dropped out of school. It wasn't easy (he was very messy and ate so much!) but I'm so glad we did it.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 28/09/2023 17:59

The op and partner have exactly the same relationship to this boy as the man he lives with and partner. No one is obliged to be responsible for him unfortunately. Could easily be the new woman saying she doesn't want him around, not prepared to take any responsibility for a child who isn't her partners.

I feel for the poor boy, social services need to be involved whatever is going on.

Grumpyold · 28/09/2023 18:04

TBF it would be a miracle if the boy hasn't been "challenging"

Coffeepot72 · 28/09/2023 18:05

It would be very kind to let him move in but please don't act like it's OP's responsibility to do this without question.

Do you have another man and woman's (who is not your partner) child living you full time?

This

Sugarfree23 · 28/09/2023 18:13

Poor kid, he sounds like he needs somebody to have his back.

Surely SW should be involved?
Where is he living just now?

If he is living in a hostel or similar you can still support him with out him living with you full-time

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