Partner’s stepchild wants to live with us but I'm not sure

[marine1675]

DP has a stepson (aged 16) he's been in his life since he was very young and he doesn't have a relationship with his bio dad. He carried on seeing him after he split with his mum and was still supporting her financially. She met someone new and got married but she sadly passed away 3.5 years ago and he stayed with the husband. DP tried to support him but he stopped replying to him as often and he didn't really come here. He still bought him birthday and Christmas presents but he wasn't giving money to the husband as they didn't have much contact. When he turned 16 DP messaged him saying happy birthday and stepchild asked DP if they could do something. DP agreed and took him out and he told DP that the husband didn't get him anything for his birthday and hadn't mentioned his birthday so he'd probably forgotten. We tried to make his day as good as possible then we didn't hear from him for a while.

He's started sleeping over regularly the past few weeks and mentioned that the husband has a new partner that has moved in but that was it. He came here yesterday and was upset, he wouldn't say why and we didn't want to question him whilst he was upset so we left him be. Before college he told us that he was kicked out and wants to live here and before we could ask why he left to go to college. I'm unsure and think we should know why he was kicked out before we agree, I think we would struggle to afford him to live here fulltime but we would make it work by cutting back on a few things. DP thinks we should let him without needing to know as it's his business not ours. AIBU?

Here in Wales in each local authority we have Homelessness Prevention Teams focused on supporting young people who are in difficult situations.

Can you contact your local authority to see if there is similar provision locally?

This young lad needs someone who cares in his life. Youth workers will support him and you too.

This is so, so sad.

Because her partner clearly raised the boy and biologically or not it is HIS son as she has already admitted. She needs to do better.

Well if that were the case he would have been living with her partner since his mother died not the other step.father who apparently has parental responsibility for him
The situation is very sad I have a 16 year old son and know how vulnerable they can be.but its not as black and white as you think and the Op doesn't have to.do.anything if she doesn't want to.

There will 100% be another side to the story that you need to hear from the husband before you even consider doing anything.

Whilst I feel for the DS loosing his Mum it’s not down to you/DH to take over here, and don’t feel bad for not wanting to either!
Some alarm bells rang when said the DS hadn’t bothered with your DH for a while but now suddenly wants to live with him….

It's not his son. Stop finding the nearest woman to raise random men.

Foster this boy yourself if you think it's a woman's job. You need to do better.

IME family breakdown at 16 (or sometimes 15!) will result in some sort of semi independent living acccomodation, not fostering. If they're already in care younger it can continue but I don't think new arrangements, outside the family, would be made for a 16yo.

Its a very sad situation, but it could easily turn the OP's life upside down. I'm not surprised she is wary.

I have a 14 year old DS living here.

As I said in a PP, his aunt and cousins are in a different country and that's all the bio family he knows. He doesn't see/talk to his dad or family. But he is does talk to BIL but unfortunately he wouldn't be able to help as he works away a lot so he couldn't provide a stable home. He does see DP as his father figure and calls him both dad and his real name.

DP has messaged the other stepdad and told him that SS is here and asked what happened between them both and he said its between both of them but if he knew then he'd be in agreement with him. But he hasn't said why.

Gosh, this poor child. Does he have no living relatives willing to actually care for him at all? Seems terrible to leave him with his Mum’s husband who doesn’t seem to care about him at all and who wasn’t in his life all that long before she died.

It isn’t your responsibility to care for him but it must be hard for your DH not to.

Your DP needs to get in contact again with step father and insist on an explanation - stepson is still a child and if the current stepfather has PR or is a legal guardian then he can't just wash his hands of dss and refuse to explain!
If he won't be honest about the situation then you need to contact social services and the boy's school and get to the bottom of this.
I'd also want to clarify the financial position that mum has left the boy in. It doesn't seem right if step dad has inherited all her assets but offloaded responsibility for her son!

Time to get some help in OP. Reassure the boy that you will help him get things sorted out and that you will keep helping until he’s in a safe stable situation. Don’t promise he can live with you if that’s not true for all scenarios. It’s time to get some outside agencies in. If he has a social worker, contact them. If he doesn’t, try his safeguarding lead at school to get the ball rolling.
You’ve had confirmation from his step that something has down to cause this situation. You may never actually find out what it is. But it definitely means the kid needs some help sorting out a safe stable home, whether that’s with you or not.
If you do decide to take him in, you can and should lay down some house rules.

"DP has messaged the other stepdad and told him that SS is here and asked what happened between them both and he said its between both of them but if he knew then he'd be in agreement with him. But he hasn't said why."

That's not really good enough, it it?! This guy is unbelievable! His DSS is a minor, he can't just throw him out and say, "Not discussing it"!!!!

So what does the other step dad think should happen to the boy and who does have PR?

I expect his behaviour has been awful, after what he's been through and the conditions he's been living in (dad who's not his dad moving in another woman relatively soon after his mother's death) it would be amazing if he hasn't acted up in some fairly extreme ways. I don't think you can underestimate how challenging caring for this boy will be.

Sorry OP, I have dealt with student welfare and I think it would be very stupid not to ask him and his mum’s husband why he has been kicked out (if he has) before you commit to host him indefinitely.

Over the years I have seen young people kicked out because they were doing drugs, were stealing or involved in other criminal behaviour, because they are violent towards parents and siblings (even when they look like very reasonable and lovable narcissists people), I have also came across a couple of boys who had taken their interest in child pornography into the realms of doing their own pictures using the children of the household as subjects.

There are also others that are kicked out because the person that is caring for them is not interested in doing so anymore, because they have toxic or violent parents, because the main carer is an alcoholic, etc

So they could be kicked out with very good reasons or through no fault of their own . Since you have a kid at home, you AND DP both NEED to check what happened before taking steps to find a solution or make a decision to bring him to live with you and support him financially for years to come.

You need to know who has parental responsibility for this lad - the step dad wouldn’t have unless he formally applied in court. If he does, it’s his responsibility to provide a home and support into adulthood. It may actually be that no one in his life has parental responsibility which leaves him in a vulnerable position.

Have social work been involved at any point, I assume they may have been involved in securing him living with the step parent? In any case someone needs to be acting in his best interests, which doesn’t seem to be the case just now.

OP your first responsibility is towards your DS and the possible affect the DSS may have on him. The fact the other SF has refused to tell you why raises suspicions— was the reason more than usual teenage behaviour?
You May feel sorry for him but need to make this important decision knowing all the facts.
The Local Authority has a responsibility to provide accommodation for him so he will not be homeless. If you then decide he can be placed with you to see how it goes you may then get funding plus he’ll be in a better position to receive other services as he’ll have a social worker.
Was his bio dad paying maintenance? If so, who is receiving that?
His mother trusted her husband to care for the boy so we can’t be too hasty in deciding his reaction has been totally unreasonable and you need to have a discussion with him. He may well have told the boy to get out until he was prepared to stop taking drugs etc. Who knows? Are there other children in that household?
Good luck

That poor kid. So many 'steps' to have to deal with at such a young age, with no one really belonging to him.

The stepdad definitely has PR, I don't think there's any children living there currently but SS did mention a couple of weeks ago that the new partner is pregnant

"DP has messaged the other stepdad and told him that SS is here and asked what happened between them both and he said its between both of them but if he knew then he'd be in agreement with him. But he hasn't said why."
'If you knew you'd agree with me, but I'm not going to tell you so you'll just have to take it on trust that my starting a new family afresh has nothing to do with me finding this constant reminder of my dead ex is getting in the way of what I want in my bright and shiny future'.

FFS! Here's part of what I said in my earlier post:

"Oh, and if you do talk to the stepdad - be aware that he will have a vested interest in painting himself in the best light, and so will put all the responsibility for the breakdown in their relationship onto the boy. Do not believe him uncritically."

I repeat - do not believe him uncritically. That poor boy .

Who owns the house that the 16 year has been told to leave?
Did the boy and his mum always live there and then the newer step dad move in when your partner left?

Also different country or not if I had a grandson/nephew with not a single blood relative around after the death of my daughter or sister I'd be there in a heartbeat. He must feel so abandoned.

Did the boy and his mum always live there and then the newer stepdad move in when your partner left?

Yes, he always lived there with his mum.

DP is going to go over there soon as the other stepdad has told him to get his things so he will ask for an explanation.

So he is being kicked out of a house that has always been a home to him and his recently deceased mother while his new pregnant girlfriend sets up home.
There isn't one single reason why that's acceptable.. I really don't understand how some people look at themselves in the mirror. What a disgrace of a man.. and vile girlfriend for going along with it, absolute scum.

I definitely think your dh should investigate who owns the house and the legal provisions made for this child.

Definitely - who owns the house? Are there grandparents?