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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner’s stepchild wants to live with us but I'm not sure

133 replies

marine1675 · 28/09/2023 16:27

DP has a stepson (aged 16) he's been in his life since he was very young and he doesn't have a relationship with his bio dad. He carried on seeing him after he split with his mum and was still supporting her financially. She met someone new and got married but she sadly passed away 3.5 years ago and he stayed with the husband. DP tried to support him but he stopped replying to him as often and he didn't really come here. He still bought him birthday and Christmas presents but he wasn't giving money to the husband as they didn't have much contact. When he turned 16 DP messaged him saying happy birthday and stepchild asked DP if they could do something. DP agreed and took him out and he told DP that the husband didn't get him anything for his birthday and hadn't mentioned his birthday so he'd probably forgotten. We tried to make his day as good as possible then we didn't hear from him for a while.

He's started sleeping over regularly the past few weeks and mentioned that the husband has a new partner that has moved in but that was it. He came here yesterday and was upset, he wouldn't say why and we didn't want to question him whilst he was upset so we left him be. Before college he told us that he was kicked out and wants to live here and before we could ask why he left to go to college. I'm unsure and think we should know why he was kicked out before we agree, I think we would struggle to afford him to live here fulltime but we would make it work by cutting back on a few things. DP thinks we should let him without needing to know as it's his business not ours. AIBU?

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 28/09/2023 23:13

I would take him. His mum wanting him to stay with stepdad as that’s where he was settled is irrelevant as clearly he’s not settled there. But I agree you need to talk to him, I’d tell dp I’ll support him if he doesn’t write my views off here- if he does then we aren’t a team and can’t take in a minor. Phrase it as your mums partner has legal responsibility, so we can’t take you in without talking to him, and it will be hard to talk to him if we don’t know what happened. Please help us help you.

Waitymatey · 28/09/2023 23:16

DP has no parental responsibility so if child wants to move in, social services would need to be informed and you and DP vetted.
If you involve them you may receive regular payment, and it will become clear why lad wants to move in and they will need to speak with current care provider

PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 28/09/2023 23:29

Right now you promise him nothing beyond reassuring him you won’t be letting him sleep in the street and that you will help him sort things out. You promise him help and support but not a definitive answer to whether he can live with you or not. Explain that the first thing that needs to happen is for everyone to be aware he is safe right now (at yours) but unhappy with his current living situation. So his stepdad needs to know at a minimum that he is ok. If he is being treated badly at home or just the relationship with his stepdad has broken down irreparably then you need to go through social services ASAP and figure out if him staying with you is a viable option both legally and in terms on whether you can provide the support he needs. If he’s run away from home then you should absolutely call the local (to his current official home) police non-emergency line just to inform them he is safe and staying at yours tonight - this is important it he’s been reported missing.

Ilovelurchers · 29/09/2023 06:31

I am very close to one of my former stepsons (the youngest - tho he is an adult now) and yes if at any point his mom or dad didn't want or weren't able for him to live with them more I would offer him a home with me, and like your partner I would not really question how it had gotten to that point unless he wanted to tell me ....

However, for you OP I can see this is a big step. How will your partner feel if you say you don't feel comfortable with it? If I needed to help my step-son and my current partner wasn't comfortable with it, to be honest I think that would be a deal breaker for me just the same as if he wouldn't help my biological daughter - my kids come first, step and bio the same.

You want to know why his step-dad has asked him to leave - will the answer effect your decision? If it is because of drugs or stealing say, will that make you not want him with you? (I am not saying if that is right or wrong as it doesn't matter what I think - your choices are your own).

Poppyblush · 29/09/2023 06:42

did the mum have assets/property as the kid could get money from the estate as he’s a dependent?

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 29/09/2023 08:22

While asking your DP's ex's husband what happened is a good idea, I would also take a lot of what he says with a pinch of salt - he ignored his birthday and has a vested interest in letting you guts care for hi as he clearly doesn't want to.

I feel for the kid - mother deceased and nowhere really to go.

Your DP needs to talk to him, get an understanding of what's going on, speak to his family abroad, consult SS etc. I wouldbe leaning towards helping him if it's possible- it seems like he has no one.

ASCCM · 29/09/2023 08:27

In the nicest possible way, this isn’t your problem. Whilst your DP will understandably care about him, it’s not his place or his legal responsibility to parent him full time and it certainly isn’t yours.

To me, this ask is just too big. I’d be a no.

x2boys · 29/09/2023 08:43

Easy for posters to.say they would take him.in without question when its not them that will.be doing so🙄
in reality 16 is a funny age and its going to be very disruptive to everyone if he moves in ,I have a 16 year old son ,but its not as simple as just taking him.and everyone living happily ever after.

x2boys · 29/09/2023 08:50

caringcarer · 28/09/2023 20:26

Same. If anything had happened to my DC I know 100 percent DH, their stepdad would have cared for them. My youngest son moved into his own home a couple of months ago and DH spends part of every weekends doing DIY jobs with him. He's shown him how to hang doors, fit a kitchen, put on new skirtings and next I believe they are tackling the jungle/garden. They go to the cinema together about once a month too.

Show quote history

And what if you had split up.Years ago like the Ops partner ?
Its one thing being a,good stepfather to your spouses,s child quite another when you have sp!it up.and haven't been as involved for years ....

caringcarer · 29/09/2023 08:57

x2boys · 29/09/2023 08:50

And what if you had split up.Years ago like the Ops partner ?
Its one thing being a,good stepfather to your spouses,s child quite another when you have sp!it up.and haven't been as involved for years ....

Show quote history

He would have stayed involved with my DC even if we had split up or I'd died. He'd still have seen them every week. DH would have wanted it and my DC would have wanted it. The DC have their own relationship with him. They are all adults now but even if I died tomorrow I know he'd stay in their lives. He's Grampa to my DD's children.

Mistandmellowfruitfullness · 29/09/2023 08:59

Who is his legal guardian? Did his mum leave him her share of his parents house? Why was he thrown out? Is his dad or other close relatives likely to want to help him? I'd have lots of Qs.

x2boys · 29/09/2023 09:05

caringcarer · 29/09/2023 08:57

He would have stayed involved with my DC even if we had split up or I'd died. He'd still have seen them every week. DH would have wanted it and my DC would have wanted it. The DC have their own relationship with him. They are all adults now but even if I died tomorrow I know he'd stay in their lives. He's Grampa to my DD's children.

Show quote history

Well we will never know will we my dh, stepdad was like a dad to.him.and a grandad to.our kids untill.a family fallout and then refused to.have anything to.do with any of us
None of which is relevant to.the Op,s situation, its all.very well.posters saying they would take him.in when they are not and unlikely to.ever be in that situation .

steppemum · 29/09/2023 09:11

He is 16. he needs to be part of a grown up discussion at this point.
he desperately needs and home and a base and parents who will support him and literally somehwere to call home.

But he is not a little kid, and he needs to be part of a proper conversation.

  1. sit down with him. Tell him you guys care about him and want to support him, but moving in is a committment. I would stress that if he moves in you want to treat him as a son and give him a home and a long term base and that is a lot to take on, so you need to know everything. Get him to tell you his version of why he was kicked out.
  2. arrange to talk to his stepdad, either with or without the lad. Again, open and honest conversation. This can include money but should not start with it.
  3. talk to SS. He is technically too old for fostering, but they may beable to help in some way, even with money.
  4. you and dh decide if you can do this. Financially you shoudl get his child benefit, and possibly child tax credits. He may be entitled to a bursary or support due to him not living at home. If he is, some of that could come to you towards food etc

Obviously you don't have to do this, but for the sake of two years and some loving input, you could change this lad's life and give him the start he needs.
It was heartbreaking reading the OP. To be so alone at 16 must be horrendous.

Its5656 · 29/09/2023 09:21

steppemum · 29/09/2023 09:11

He is 16. he needs to be part of a grown up discussion at this point.
he desperately needs and home and a base and parents who will support him and literally somehwere to call home.

But he is not a little kid, and he needs to be part of a proper conversation.

  1. sit down with him. Tell him you guys care about him and want to support him, but moving in is a committment. I would stress that if he moves in you want to treat him as a son and give him a home and a long term base and that is a lot to take on, so you need to know everything. Get him to tell you his version of why he was kicked out.
  2. arrange to talk to his stepdad, either with or without the lad. Again, open and honest conversation. This can include money but should not start with it.
  3. talk to SS. He is technically too old for fostering, but they may beable to help in some way, even with money.
  4. you and dh decide if you can do this. Financially you shoudl get his child benefit, and possibly child tax credits. He may be entitled to a bursary or support due to him not living at home. If he is, some of that could come to you towards food etc

Obviously you don't have to do this, but for the sake of two years and some loving input, you could change this lad's life and give him the start he needs.
It was heartbreaking reading the OP. To be so alone at 16 must be horrendous.

I thought fostering could go up to 21. My sons ex girlfriend was in foster care and she was 18. From what I remember (this is going back 3 years) At 18 she could choose to remain in foster care or leave and they would help her get social housing.
I thought at the time that 18 seemed very young to be expected to fend for herself considering all the trauma she had gone through.
16 is so young.. This country really needs to do better with how we treat young people, especially vulnerable ones like this boy,

GG1986 · 29/09/2023 09:23

Aw poor boy, he must be so sad and feeling unwanted. I would let him live with you, he's 16 so you can set rules etc.

steppemum · 29/09/2023 09:24

yes foster care can go up to 21, but realistically at 18 he may be off to uni or decide to move out with stable home in the background, if he doesn't do further study he will probably get a job and then can contribute ot the household, and he is 18, so more grown up and more of an adult.

The urgency is the next 2 years, but also just providing a safe base that he can always come home to if things go wrong.

We really underestimate the importnace of that for young adults.

Its5656 · 29/09/2023 10:17

I do think the guy this poor boy has been living with sounds like a piece of shit.. His wife dies and in the space of 3 years he's moved another woman in forgotten his dead wife's sons birthday and is now expecting a 16 year old to fend for himself.
I'd bet money that this boy has acted no different to most teenage boys.. Absolutely disgusting behaviour from him.

caringcarer · 29/09/2023 10:43

A child can be cared for by a FC until they reach 18. At that time they can choose to 'Stay Put' with FC's or get help to move to Social Housing 1 bedroom flat. SS will give a grant to help towards furniture and things he would need like bedding, crockery. At 16 the lad needs a home. If your DH wants to do this I would support that choice but if you don't want him there with you then your DH needs to contact SS about FC for him because it sounds like his new step dad doesn't care about him at all.

LadyBird1973 · 29/09/2023 10:45

I would (and have) taken in a teenager that wasn't mine (DS gf, who got thrown out by her stepfather). But your dp cannot just refuse to ask questions or have any discussion with the other stepfather. Sticking his head in the sand won't get to the bottom of what has really happened. And it's very much dp and your business if you are going to take on responsibility for a troubled teen.
I feel very sorry for this poor child - he needs proper parenting and that means asking questions and doing what you what fo if this child was biologically your dp's. Your dp must get properly involved.

I do think he's the closest thing this child has to a father and having been in his life for do long, I do believe there's a responsibility towards him. This is why people should be do careful about blending families because it does bestow responsibilities that go beyond the marriage itself. I don't believe it's right to raise a child from a very young age and not take in any parental responsibility, when you are the only father or mother figure in that child's life.

Birch101 · 29/09/2023 10:52

Please help this child. He obviously feels safe with your partner.
Such a fundamental age you could make such a big difference in his future by supporting him, and making him feel a part of something now.

He has had to grow up way too fast and has some hard waters to navigate

Dont ask him why he wants to leave, there could be so many reasons and god forbid ones that take years to process. Lay down some very simple ground rules but please don't make your caring Conditional, and of course work with the proper channels to make sure it is all above board and legal.

JJ8765 · 29/09/2023 10:52

Contact college safeguarding lead. Social services. Get benefits advice eg from CAB. Kinship carer charity. There will be financial support avail.

marblemad · 29/09/2023 10:59

the boy clearly sees your partner as his father figure, talk it through properly and step up and support the lad for the next few years.

CherryMaDeara · 29/09/2023 11:10

marblemad · 29/09/2023 10:59

the boy clearly sees your partner as his father figure, talk it through properly and step up and support the lad for the next few years.

Why does OP need to step up? It's nothing to do with her.

CherryMaDeara · 29/09/2023 11:11

caringcarer · 28/09/2023 23:02

My DH doesn't have any DC who are biologically his own but in every other way he is their Dad. He is very generous with his time with them and always has been. They are not only beneficiaries in his will but in his parents wills too. My DC all have close relationships with DH Mum, and regularly drive 150 miles to see his Mum, who has been their Gran for almost 20 years. My parents are both dead so DH parents Mum is their last living Grandparent. Even if I ever divorced DH I know he would continue to have strong relationships with my DC.

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Again, the mum could have thought all this before she died as well. We can't preduct people's future actions.

x2boys · 29/09/2023 11:12

marblemad · 29/09/2023 10:59

the boy clearly sees your partner as his father figure, talk it through properly and step up and support the lad for the next few years.

Its an incredibly sad situation but the Op doesn't have to.do.anything

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