Partner’s stepchild wants to live with us but I'm not sure

[marine1675]

DP has a stepson (aged 16) he's been in his life since he was very young and he doesn't have a relationship with his bio dad. He carried on seeing him after he split with his mum and was still supporting her financially. She met someone new and got married but she sadly passed away 3.5 years ago and he stayed with the husband. DP tried to support him but he stopped replying to him as often and he didn't really come here. He still bought him birthday and Christmas presents but he wasn't giving money to the husband as they didn't have much contact. When he turned 16 DP messaged him saying happy birthday and stepchild asked DP if they could do something. DP agreed and took him out and he told DP that the husband didn't get him anything for his birthday and hadn't mentioned his birthday so he'd probably forgotten. We tried to make his day as good as possible then we didn't hear from him for a while.

He's started sleeping over regularly the past few weeks and mentioned that the husband has a new partner that has moved in but that was it. He came here yesterday and was upset, he wouldn't say why and we didn't want to question him whilst he was upset so we left him be. Before college he told us that he was kicked out and wants to live here and before we could ask why he left to go to college. I'm unsure and think we should know why he was kicked out before we agree, I think we would struggle to afford him to live here fulltime but we would make it work by cutting back on a few things. DP thinks we should let him without needing to know as it's his business not ours. AIBU?

Oh the poor child.

Your dp is the one constant in his life. Please don't turn him away.

Someone needs to check the inheritance position. The house could very well be his.

Reading comprehension on this site can be shocking sometimes. The OP has even clarified and people are still going poor child, take him. OP wants to know why he was kicked out before agreeing.
Of course you should find out why he was kicked out. You also have to speak to his other step father as he has parental rights. I would probably let him stay for now but there would be a lot I would want to know before taking him in permanently.

God I feel sorry for this boy. Only take him in if you can treat him and love him the same as your own children. If he's always walking on thin ice it's cruel. He is 16 and he will over the the next few years do things that will piss you off drinking/cannabis/relationship drama/general normal teen annoying stuff. He needs to be somewhere that is going to instantly cut him off for screwing up.

"I think we would struggle to afford him to live here fulltime but we would make it work by cutting back on a few things. DP thinks we should let him without needing to know as it's his business not ours."
Your husband is wrong on this matter. It does need to be discussed, because I would expect that this boy has not had a happy supportive home life since his mum died. Ages 12 to 16, that's rough.

My guess would be that whilst his stepdad accepted his wife and her son came as a package, when his wife died he felt considerably less responsibility towards her son. Probably regarded the boy as a duty, a chore, a restriction on his own life.

And now? He "has a new partner that has moved in", who may well be asking why she is expected to be stepmother to a boy who isn't even his son? Basically, this boy has become an encumbrance to his stepdad and he wants him gone.

Yes, it's also possible he has gone off the rails, but even then it would be in reaction to how he has been treated.

Where I diverge from you is that you "want to know why he was kicked out before agreeing to him staying". Your agreement is dependant on why he was kicked out. I think I would agree regardless, but want to explore with him what the last few years have been like so that I would know how best to support him.

So I am in the middle between your DP who agrees to him staying but wants to sweep the boys last few years under the carpet (NOT helpful to this boy), and yourself who will only agree once you've vetted why his dad kicked him out.

Oh, and if you do talk to the stepdad - be aware that he will have a vested interest in painting himself in the best light, and so will put all the responsibility for the breakdown in their relationship onto the boy. Do not believe him uncritically.

How do you work that out??

Poor, poor boy. He's clearly been through a hell of a lot. I think you need to get professional input here? You are under no obligation to help him obviously and there should probably be a holistic approach to this, to look at what's best for this child and what arrangements can be made, through the appropriate channels. He has clearly had a troubled young life so far and I feel like the next few years will be pivotal for him, really hope he gets the support he needs and his life circumstances improve.

Also look into if anything was left for him? By his mum perhaps? I really hope the husband hasn't got his hands on this.

There's no way I could leave a 16 year old that I know homeless in these circumstances.

My dad (now 70) found himself in a similar situation aged 17. His mum had died, he had a serious car accident and his Dad, who had remarried, refused to allow him back to the house. He lived for a year while convalescing with his brother and my aunt, who were early 20s at the time, and then moved in with his Aunt (a survivor on her own terms, single mum in the 1940s with a child out of marriage with an Italian POW). I am 42. I often think of these people, many of whom are now dead, and I thank whichever god sent them to protect my father. He prospered, and I am here because of what they did. You have an opportunity to do something here that will be life changing for the boy. It may open chapters and relationships that last the rest of your life's. He is sixteen, so you can count the years on one hand before he will want to fledge the nest. It's a massive commitment, but this is a sliding doors moment for you.

I can't imagine SW would take much to do with the situation, he's 16, he can live where ever he wants and in honesty there isn't much they can do, he's at that in between age where he's probably to old to enter the foster system.

I'm not sure if anything was left to him. He's still here but DP still doesn't think we should ask him but I would rather know in case it is something do to with his behaviour etc.

The poor poor boy. He's only 16 and all on his own in the world. I'd take him in a heartbeat. He clearly has a connection to your DH. If your DH is kind enough to give him a home I'd be supportive.

Same. If anything had happened to my DC I know 100 percent DH, their stepdad would have cared for them. My youngest son moved into his own home a couple of months ago and DH spends part of every weekends doing DIY jobs with him. He's shown him how to hang doors, fit a kitchen, put on new skirtings and next I believe they are tackling the jungle/garden. They go to the cinema together about once a month too.

@isthesolution I agree. Your partner needs to find out because whilst it's a really sad situation the boys mother passing away there could be a back story.

Has he no relatives on either side? It's awful to be honest but moving someone in your house is easier said than done. I say that as someone who took my sister in for a while. Arguments happen and things back fire.

I’m sure this boy’s mum felt the same too when she gave her husband parental rights for her son.

You can’t say for certain what your husband would do.

What behaviours would mean you wouldn't be willing to take him in?
As a mum of a older boy these coming years are so important.. They need a lot of guidance and patience and are at times completely ungrateful and difficult.
He's had so much trauma but your DH offering a home now and unconditional love could completely transform this boys life.

Oh my gosh, poor boy 😢 how utterly heartbreaking. I wouldn't hesitate for a moment. Every child deserves security and love

Apologies if you've already answered OP and I've missed it but do you have other children living in your house?

If you wanted to Foster you'd have become a Foster parent.

I would seriously consider the bruden you are both looking at here.
Do you have your own children? What are your plans for your future?

If he's not seriously sitting down and listening to you now then what else is he going to ignore you on?

@Its5656 I think the OP is more concerned about being prepared to support him, rather than rejecting him outright. If he’s been taking drugs, drinking heavily or been violent, for example, they need to know this so they can provide/access the right support. My DS (15) could easily hurt me badly if he lashed out and so could this 16-year-old to the OP.

Hopefully, none of the above will be the case, but they have to find out.

Your husband needs to step up and be a Dad

He's not his dad tho?

My DH doesn't have any DC who are biologically his own but in every other way he is their Dad. He is very generous with his time with them and always has been. They are not only beneficiaries in his will but in his parents wills too. My DC all have close relationships with DH Mum, and regularly drive 150 miles to see his Mum, who has been their Gran for almost 20 years. My parents are both dead so DH parents Mum is their last living Grandparent. Even if I ever divorced DH I know he would continue to have strong relationships with my DC.

And someone else has PR!

My friend died very young and suddenly a few years ago when her son was 11. They had been living as a family with a non-bio dad and the bio dad swooped in and took the DC even though they wanted to stay in their home. He couldn't cope and now the DC are from pillar to post among relatives he barely knows and are not their priority. Fucked up as hell now as no stable home. If you can help here I would - it's not too long til he will be independent. Also reach out for as much help as possible, SS, school etc.