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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparents moving into our house?

149 replies

LeclercBeans · 28/09/2023 14:59

I put in AIBU as had no idea where to put.

Me and DP have been in discussion about both of our parents potentially moving in with us. For context, I have 5 DS between 8-16 and 1 DD age 8.

DP mum passed last year and FIL has been terribly lonely and has thus been spending a lot of time with DGC. They love him, he looks after them after school twice a week as he drives over but its too far for DC to walk to his house to visit. He also stays over on Sundays and always asks to drop the youngest DC off at school on Monday morning before driving home.

My parents also spend a lot of time at ours and pick up the younger children on 2 of the days FIL hasn't as both me and DP work but I am home at 5 most days. They don't live far and DC often walk around to theirs for tea whenever they feel like it. They have to move out of their house soon as landlord wants to sell and can't find anywhere near where we live (small village) so will end up moving 30-40 min away.

So me and DP have been discussing moving all three into our house. We are lucky to have quite a large house. The downstairs has a granny annex with bathroom, living, kitchen etc where my parents will go. And we have a large room upstairs with ensuite and its big enough for us to add a kitchenette for FIL.

Both us and DC are very excited about the idea and grandparents are too (particularly FIL as very lonely and loves DC to pieces). They have both said they will pay rent to us and will pick up DC from school like they are. Me and DP are very conscious not to slowly add more childcare and make them live in babysitters as they are old and its not their responsibility.

Whats your take on it? I can't think of any negatives apart from occasionally annoying each other, but am sure there are many we are missing, so thought maybe you could help me out? What are the pros/cons? Have any of you done similar?

Should also add my parents and FIL get on like a house on fire and regularly meet for coffee without the rest of us.

Thanks. Sorry for it being so long!

OP posts:

jolaylasofia · 03/10/2023 05:41

@Ohhbaby i live in this culture. youngest bil and his family lived with mil and fil in family home. wife got so upset and depressed they literally fled the country. wasn't acceptable for them to move out so they just left completely with 3 small kids.

Tara24 · 03/10/2023 05:57

I'd hate it in my 3 bed semi. But you sound like you have a much larger house and a good relationship. Just make sure all the practical stuff is sorted like care when they are older and finances.

user1492757084 · 03/10/2023 06:18

Put strict no go rules in place so that the kids do not visit their grandparents in the grandparent's rooms.
You all need to trust that privacy is instantly available if you retreat to your own space.
Have a private living space for your family as well, and respect the kids bedrooms as completely off limits.

Private space and communal space areas.

Set up a meeting every month where any issues can be discussed - just like in good and sustainable student share houses. It sounds formal but it is offering a fair voice to all.
Hope it works well.

BIossomtoes · 03/10/2023 06:53

user1492757084 · 03/10/2023 06:18

Private space and communal space areas.

Set up a meeting every month where any issues can be discussed - just like in good and sustainable student share houses. It sounds formal but it is offering a fair voice to all.
Hope it works well.

Bonkers.

Ohhbaby · 03/10/2023 08:09

jolaylasofia · 03/10/2023 05:41

Well that would be understandable. People have different experiences. Doesn't negate that some people have a lovely time. You get bad in laws and lovely in laws in every culture. So stands to reason that in cultures where its normal to move in with your kids a good chunk would be happy and a good chunk would be unhappy.

Howyiz · 03/10/2023 08:13

Bit late to be considering the pros and cons when you have already told them this is happening. 😕

Wittyname10 · 03/10/2023 08:15

If you think you can make it work then more power to you! It sounds like the set up will be perfect and might help to alleviate the empty nest feeling as your kids start to move out.

My MIL is already making noises about US moving in with them when they start to get older and its giving me the fear.

YouMeThem · 03/10/2023 08:49

Do you and you DH have siblings?

Lingfield01 · 03/10/2023 09:21

I have friends who did a similar thing. Granny annexe etc. Within 12 months it had turned into an unmitigated disaster. Definite no no.

SueDonnym · 03/10/2023 09:35

Do people spend evenings together or are DCs in their own rooms watching what they want/ gaming etc
i can’t stand what DH watches on his laptop (geeky stuff) and if we watch tv together it’s too loud for me, certainly too loud for me to concentrate on a book etc Thankfully he prefers his office.
Also I can’t bear a lot of tv, especially with ads-no I definitely could not do this -and the cooking aaaaaahh!
But I am older so don’t need the advantages it brings.

How much time have you all spent together. Is it just FIL one night a week.

Doone22 · 03/10/2023 12:56

Sounds very lovely, maybe have a plan in place for all kinds of potential conflicts....like the heating, use of hot water, leaving lights on, using the washing machine, who is responsible for which part of the household... if they're all used to being alone they might start to feel like guests who can't do anything unless it's very clear. Who is shopping who is cooking for whom and when. Who does the garden, how often? Maybe Google for some moreinfo as there's bound to be some not thought of.

FictionalCharacter · 03/10/2023 13:25

It wouldn’t have been right for my family but it sounds like you all think it would be right for yours.
I’d want to be completely sure that they don’t all think that they’re moving into serviced accommodation i.e. serviced by you! Are they expecting their laundry and cleaning done? Are they expecting you to provide a nice family meal for them every evening? Will they be constantly calling on you to do odd jobs for them and take them out for shopping and day trips? Will they be expecting your company all day every day? That would have been the danger with mine.

funnelfan · 03/10/2023 13:38

I would recommend reading the elderly parents board on here to get an idea of the kinds of issues that you may have to face in the future, so you can discuss and agree now how you’d approach them. Things like decreased mobility, cognitive loss & dementia etc. What will you do if at some point in the future all three are frail, unable to manage their shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning, admin? You are potentially taking on an elder care role for the next thirty years, make sure you have your eyes wide open.

TeamGeriatric · 03/10/2023 20:15

I guess my questions would be:

does this still sound like an ideal scenario to you in 10 years time when your kids are aged 18-26 and potentially none of them are living in the family home? You could find you are primary carers for the 3 elderly Grandparents instead.

Potential for inheritance issues when the grandparents eventually pass away, it doesn't sound like your parents have any equity if they are renting, but if your father-in-law is selling his prime asset and then paying you rent, are there siblings of your husband that may quibble over the estate: what belongs to Grandad/what belongs you guys?

ls there any impact on your ability to sell/the value of your house as a result of adding an extra kitchen? I am just thinking 3 kitchens may narrow down your potential buyer list.

BIossomtoes · 03/10/2023 21:25

TeamGeriatric · 03/10/2023 20:15

I guess my questions would be:

does this still sound like an ideal scenario to you in 10 years time when your kids are aged 18-26 and potentially none of them are living in the family home? You could find you are primary carers for the 3 elderly Grandparents instead.

Potential for inheritance issues when the grandparents eventually pass away, it doesn't sound like your parents have any equity if they are renting, but if your father-in-law is selling his prime asset and then paying you rent, are there siblings of your husband that may quibble over the estate: what belongs to Grandad/what belongs you guys?

ls there any impact on your ability to sell/the value of your house as a result of adding an extra kitchen? I am just thinking 3 kitchens may narrow down your potential buyer list.

It’s very easy to remove a kitchen.

DinnyDen · 03/10/2023 21:58

I grew up with this situation as a child and I would say the benefits FAR outweighed the negatives for everyone involved. Good communication and boundaries will go a long way but the time you’ll all get together, and your kids with their grand parents is irreplaceable. Best of luck

Gypsum5 · 03/10/2023 22:06

Sounds great in theory.

Gemst199 · 04/10/2023 08:17

I grew up in a home with both parents and grandparents (we lived downstairs, they lived upstairs with their own kitchen, bathroom, lounge etc.) I highly recommend, it's a wonderful childhood!
One thing that's not very nice to think about but better talked about sooner than later is end of life care. What are their expectations about how much care you can provide for them, what are you willing to do? My grandfather passed away recently, he was in a home after breaking his hip but prior to that my parents were doing pretty much everything for him and they were getting pretty worn down. His mind was going so it was too late to have that conversation.

Wewalkthewalk · 04/10/2023 11:32

This is so lovely! How wonderful that you all get on so well! I think as long as you have enough space for everyone to have somewhere to retreat to, it should be fine. As you say, no doubt you’ll sometimes get on each other’s nerves - but most families have that issue anyway.

We’ve made it clear to our parents that if one of them is left alone they would be more than welcome to move in with us. At the moment they’re all far too independent minded! But what a fabulous example of love and care to set for the DC - well done you!

SallySunrise · 04/10/2023 11:33

My idea of hell, but if it works for you then go for it!

Holly60 · 04/10/2023 12:02

From what you've said it sounds great for everyone. I think your kids are lucky to have so many different adults to go to and be available to them. I should think it will be great for them

TR888 · 04/10/2023 12:31

Regarding their decline, the advantage of having many adults in the house is that if one gets seriously frail, everybody can help. Of course, things get trickier if the three grandparents take a dip at the same time, but that's unlikely.

Do they all get on with each other?

Baba197 · 04/10/2023 19:06

My mum lives with me and my 5 Yr old, it’s been mostly ok but harder here as she doesn’t have own space. If she did then it would be lovely for us both. She also isn’t hands on with my son and has a lot of health issues but your family sound like they like helping out and it would be lovely for the kids. I honestly would go for it if everyone is on board with the idea!

Ffion21 · 05/10/2023 01:39

the only aspect to consider is when they lose their independence. Are you prepared to be a live in sitter/carer for three elderly people and have the means to do so?

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