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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents moving into our house?

149 replies

LeclercBeans · 28/09/2023 14:59

I put in AIBU as had no idea where to put.

Me and DP have been in discussion about both of our parents potentially moving in with us. For context, I have 5 DS between 8-16 and 1 DD age 8.

DP mum passed last year and FIL has been terribly lonely and has thus been spending a lot of time with DGC. They love him, he looks after them after school twice a week as he drives over but its too far for DC to walk to his house to visit. He also stays over on Sundays and always asks to drop the youngest DC off at school on Monday morning before driving home.

My parents also spend a lot of time at ours and pick up the younger children on 2 of the days FIL hasn't as both me and DP work but I am home at 5 most days. They don't live far and DC often walk around to theirs for tea whenever they feel like it. They have to move out of their house soon as landlord wants to sell and can't find anywhere near where we live (small village) so will end up moving 30-40 min away.

So me and DP have been discussing moving all three into our house. We are lucky to have quite a large house. The downstairs has a granny annex with bathroom, living, kitchen etc where my parents will go. And we have a large room upstairs with ensuite and its big enough for us to add a kitchenette for FIL.

Both us and DC are very excited about the idea and grandparents are too (particularly FIL as very lonely and loves DC to pieces). They have both said they will pay rent to us and will pick up DC from school like they are. Me and DP are very conscious not to slowly add more childcare and make them live in babysitters as they are old and its not their responsibility.

Whats your take on it? I can't think of any negatives apart from occasionally annoying each other, but am sure there are many we are missing, so thought maybe you could help me out? What are the pros/cons? Have any of you done similar?

Should also add my parents and FIL get on like a house on fire and regularly meet for coffee without the rest of us.

Thanks. Sorry for it being so long!

OP posts:
Glorifried · 28/09/2023 15:02

Sounds perfect for you all!

Freezingcoldinseptember · 28/09/2023 15:02

Sounds like a living hell but if you feel it would work for your family then you have my respect!

BIossomtoes · 28/09/2023 15:03

Sounds amazing. I really hope it all works out.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/09/2023 15:04

I think if you and they think it will work, go for it! It wouldn't be for me, but neither would 5 kids Grin so clearly we just gave different preferences.

Why not give it a year trial and see how everyone gets on.

Allthingspeaches · 28/09/2023 15:05

Sounds lovely. You're making plans for each to have their independence (kitchenette) so you have a bit of space when needed. It will also make it a bit easier for you long term if they start to need more support themselves.

MereDintofPandiculation · 28/09/2023 15:05

The negatives come when they decline and start needing care. And you can no longer go on holiday or take to your bed with flu because you are on duty 24/7.

Sandyd1035 · 28/09/2023 15:05

That sound perfect to me all living together I think is lovely .

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/09/2023 15:06

It sounds totally fine as long as everyone is happy. If you’re not people who desperately crave their own space after a bit, then I’d go for it.

Obviously it’s likely you’ll have to provide more care for them all as they get older, but if you’re up for that it sounds fab.

piglet81 · 28/09/2023 15:06

It wouldn’t suit me at all but if it works for you then great. Have you thought through all the scenarios eg illness/decline of older generation, who would take on care/what happens if you get offered a great new job somewhere else and want to move? And are there other relatives who have anything to say about the idea?

Flipflopflopflip · 28/09/2023 15:07

I think it sounds wonderful. Seems like you all have great relationships. What's the relationship like between your parents and FIL. Will either of them find it hard?

Go for it!

BIossomtoes · 28/09/2023 15:07

MereDintofPandiculation · 28/09/2023 15:05

The negatives come when they decline and start needing care. And you can no longer go on holiday or take to your bed with flu because you are on duty 24/7.

That’s the point when all living in the same house makes most sense. My life would have been infinitely easier in the last years of my parents’ lives if we’d all lived together.

arintingly · 28/09/2023 15:08

I can't imagine anything worse.

If for some reason I had a break with reality and wanted to do it, I would want to work through:

Chores - who will do what, I would worry that the grandparents will get lots of quality time with the kids while I cleared up

Finances - who pays for what

Who makes decisions about the house - e.g. it's time to get a new sofa/kitchen/etc, who gets a day

What happens when any of them get unable to care for themselves

pinkyredrose · 28/09/2023 15:09

Sounds perfect!

Hankunamatata · 28/09/2023 15:13

You just need to sit down and discuss practicalities

  • food shopping, cooking, cleaning
  • who is allowed in what spaces
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/09/2023 15:15

MIL lives with us and it works brilliantly.

There can be niggles, but there are niggles with anyone you live with.

what I will say is that it’s the small things that are the worst - big things you tend to think of in advance and can chat through. Small things crop up and niggle (as an example we have ketchup in the cupboard and the fridge to prevent a niggle becoming bigger!).

One big thing you need to think about is guests - they have to be able to have friends and family to their home, but they will also impact you.

Do either of you have siblings? How will they feel about it? Will you be happy with them walking in unannounced if that’s what they do at the parents house currently

Finances - what will their ‘rent’ cover? What about big expenses like carpeting in the annex or replacing the shower in the en-suite?

Then you also have to think about what’s going to happen as they age more in terms or care and help.

arintingly · 28/09/2023 15:15

I think the thing that would bother me the most is that you would basically never get the house to yourself. I get the odd WFH day when my kids are at school and DH is in the office and it's just so nice! But I am an introvert

talknomore · 28/09/2023 15:17

It is going to be much, much noisier!

Gifgirl · 28/09/2023 15:19

I think it sounds absolutely perfect.

I think PP's are missing the point here - they will have their own space.

So chores etc will stay the same; they clean their own living areas and you clean yours.

They won't be under your feet all the time as they have their own apartments, so it's not like you will never have the house to yourselves.

Health/age issues: surely it just makes it 100% easier because you are on hand.

Go for it. So lovely that you all get on so well!

Gifgirl · 28/09/2023 15:20

talknomore · 28/09/2023 15:17

It is going to be much, much noisier!

How?

There is a granny annexe (essentially sperate accomodation) for her parents and an en-suite room (which they are going to adapt to add a kitchenette). They've all got their own space.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2023 15:22

I think it could be a wonderful solution for all of you, and hopefully it will work out brilliantly.

However...

You must sit down with your parents and your father-in-law, without the children, and talk about what happens if it doesn't end up working out. What if you and your husband realise after a year that all of you being together is just more that you can handle? You have got to have a contingency plan, and every adult involved needs to be aware that this may not be forever.

MaryJanesonabreak · 28/09/2023 15:24

Look at the principals of co-housing. It will give you a framework from the off to get all the practicalities sorted.
People can rush to do more than is sustainable in the initial enthusiasm of moving in.
Having a good framework and regular meet-ups prevents resentments building up.
Sounds great!

arintingly · 28/09/2023 15:24

@Gifgirl the space helps undoubtedly but I didn't get the sense the plan was that they would stay in their rooms/annex the whole time. For example the point a PP made about guests, realistically the fil especially isn't going to entertain any visitors up in his bedroom or host them for a meal with the kitchenette, he will end up using the communal facilities. And I also doubt he would end up cooking his own dinner in a tiny kitchenette every day.

The annexe may be different if it has a separate entrance.

Maybe this is just my introversion but I wouldn't feel like I had the house to myself with my FIL upstairs even if he had his own room

JMSA · 28/09/2023 15:26

I think it's really lovely. You're bucking the UK trend, OP, and it's great that you're in a position to Smile

milveycrohn · 28/09/2023 15:31

I know someone who had their parents to live with them, and although previously the GP had adored the grandchildren, as they got older, they found the noise the kids were making just too much, and this caused a lot of friction.
When the DGC were young, it was the running up and downstairs, the older ones, it was the music, etc.
As long as you have thought everything through, and have understood that the GP will get older and more infirm, as they age.

missnevermind · 28/09/2023 15:36

It sounds lovely and if it suits everybody then why not.
Give some thought to what will happen in say 10 years, kids all teenagers, elderly parents, who will do what who looks after who. Just try to cover everything while you are planning. Speak to everybody seperatly and together.

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