Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents moving into our house?

149 replies

LeclercBeans · 28/09/2023 14:59

I put in AIBU as had no idea where to put.

Me and DP have been in discussion about both of our parents potentially moving in with us. For context, I have 5 DS between 8-16 and 1 DD age 8.

DP mum passed last year and FIL has been terribly lonely and has thus been spending a lot of time with DGC. They love him, he looks after them after school twice a week as he drives over but its too far for DC to walk to his house to visit. He also stays over on Sundays and always asks to drop the youngest DC off at school on Monday morning before driving home.

My parents also spend a lot of time at ours and pick up the younger children on 2 of the days FIL hasn't as both me and DP work but I am home at 5 most days. They don't live far and DC often walk around to theirs for tea whenever they feel like it. They have to move out of their house soon as landlord wants to sell and can't find anywhere near where we live (small village) so will end up moving 30-40 min away.

So me and DP have been discussing moving all three into our house. We are lucky to have quite a large house. The downstairs has a granny annex with bathroom, living, kitchen etc where my parents will go. And we have a large room upstairs with ensuite and its big enough for us to add a kitchenette for FIL.

Both us and DC are very excited about the idea and grandparents are too (particularly FIL as very lonely and loves DC to pieces). They have both said they will pay rent to us and will pick up DC from school like they are. Me and DP are very conscious not to slowly add more childcare and make them live in babysitters as they are old and its not their responsibility.

Whats your take on it? I can't think of any negatives apart from occasionally annoying each other, but am sure there are many we are missing, so thought maybe you could help me out? What are the pros/cons? Have any of you done similar?

Should also add my parents and FIL get on like a house on fire and regularly meet for coffee without the rest of us.

Thanks. Sorry for it being so long!

OP posts:
Bellaboo01 · 28/09/2023 15:42

BIossomtoes · 28/09/2023 15:07

That’s the point when all living in the same house makes most sense. My life would have been infinitely easier in the last years of my parents’ lives if we’d all lived together.

Show quote history

This is a sweeping statement though as it completely depends on the illness.

I had both my parents live with me and my family - One/receiving palliative care for cancer and One/Vascular Dementia it was traumatic for everyone involved and particularly for our children in the house.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 28/09/2023 15:44

You need to also think about their later life care needs and not just drift into something you can't sustain.

But if you all like the idea go for it

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/09/2023 15:46

Gifgirl · 28/09/2023 15:19

I think it sounds absolutely perfect.

I think PP's are missing the point here - they will have their own space.

So chores etc will stay the same; they clean their own living areas and you clean yours.

They won't be under your feet all the time as they have their own apartments, so it's not like you will never have the house to yourselves.

Health/age issues: surely it just makes it 100% easier because you are on hand.

Go for it. So lovely that you all get on so well!

That’s one of the things that still needs discussing through - just because they have their own space doesn’t mean their assumptions and the OPs assumptions for how much time they’ll all spend together will match.

talknomore · 28/09/2023 15:46

@Gifgirl simply more people using some of communal spaces on regular basis. They were out of those spaces for most of the time till now. I assume they will be coming and going not just sitting in their rooms all the time.
If you live in a flat or semi/terraced house you would hear your neighbours. How would you not hear them when you live under the same roof and share some of that space with them?

Passepartoute · 28/09/2023 15:56

You'll need to sort out the finance side, but I assume you've thought about that.

The other main issue is what happens when your parents need care. Obviously in one sense it's easier if you are in the same house, but if they reach a point when they need a lot of care you will find that Social Services and the NHS will both assume you are going to provide it all, and/or will put a lot of pressure on you to do so. That's fine if you're up for it, but you have to be aware that that could include intimate care, being on call all night etc - also that, lovely as your respective parents are now, things can change radically if any of them get dementia.

Tinysoxxx · 28/09/2023 15:56

Just be careful about the needing care bit. We were strongly pressurised to take care of a relative with dementia. Even though they had no idea if night was day and the fact they were incontinent. They had no boundaries and needed care 24/7 with doors locked etc. You need an agreement between everyone on what happens in that situation. Perhaps get powers of attorney for medical and finances for in the future. Relative started getting noticeable symptoms at 75.

dearanon · 28/09/2023 15:57

It sounds like you've all thought about this.

For me, I wouldn't but it sounds ideal for you.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/09/2023 16:14

@LeclercBeans

I think if the 'elders' have a largish private space to retreat to for peace and quiet it should work fine. The annexe for your parents fits the bill. But is there enough room in FiL's room to fit a comfortable chair and telly if he wants to be away from the hustle bustle? Ditto for you and your DH. Will there be a place either of you can retreat to if either of you need some 'me time'?

I agree with PPs that the difficulty will be when they begin to 'show their ages'. I assume the annexe is on the ground floor, but what happens when FiL can no longer easily or safely manage stairs? What will happen if any of them get dementia? Become incontinent? Need assistance in daily living needs (dressing, bathing, etc). Do they have the financial means to bring in help or are you/DH willing to provide it yourselves or pay for it? How will them living with you affect their ability to access care through a govt agency (ie paid for)? I'm in the US so we're pretty much 'on our own' for in home care, but I know that in the UK there are times when it's funded by the govt.

I'd say that before this move happens the 5 of you need to sit down together and have a serious talk about what is expected (ie 'house rules' & finances) now and what they believe should happen if/when their health/mobility declines. Leave no stone unturned, no 'negatives' unspoken. You want to be sure all 5 of you are on the same page. Also, if you or DH have siblings, I think they need to be clued in before this move happens. Not that they should be able to stop it, but it shouldn't be presented to them as a 'fait accompli'. Especially if this move may affect any potential inheritance 'issues' for said siblings.

I'm on the parent's age spectrum and I'd want to be sure everyone's cards were laid on the table before I moved in, especially if I was going to be selling my home to do so.

Spacemoon · 28/09/2023 16:15

As someone who loves my own space this is my idea of hell. But it sounds like you are all really excited about the idea, which is great!

My only concerns would be if you've thought about the following;

  1. What happens if you have a difficult time in your marriage or you break up/divorce? I know this is unlikely, as your marriage is clearly super strong to be even considering this set up, but no marriage escapes the small possibility this could happen. Have you thought about this?
  1. What happens (God forbid) that your parents or FIL fall into ill health as they age? Will they continue living with you - who will be responsible for their care?
  1. What happens if you ever want to move? Will everyone come along? Will you ever feel resentful and feel like you're trapped there?
  1. Have you all spent long periods of time together before? since you and DH were adults? Living with your own family as an adult is completely different than when you were a child. Living with an in law can be even more complex. It sounds like they are all lovely people and it's great they all get along too, but have you all ever spent longer than a few days under the same roof? People's bad habits don't tend to come out when they are a guest in someone else's house - have you thought about doing a trial period before all commiting to it full time?
Weedoormatnomore · 28/09/2023 16:16

Sounds lovely though not sure I would do the kitchenette upstairs for your FIL perhaps see how it goes first.

jessycake · 28/09/2023 16:19

if it doesn't work out with your parents , they can find something else as they were previously renting and had to get out anyway , your FILit may be better to try it for a few weeks before committing to giving up his place permantly . If it works its a lovely idea .

Flightorflounder · 28/09/2023 16:21

Thats what we have and it works. Just have clear lines of open communication and set boundaries firmly at the very beginning. Its wonderful for the children and feels a very natural way of living.

Cornflakes44 · 28/09/2023 16:23

This sort of arrangement isn't that uncommon in other countries. Could be amazing. Could be very intense. I'd also be thinking about what the plans would be when the DGPS need more care. Are you going to end up caring of all three of them? Would that be feasible. Might be good to broach before they move in. Good luck to you all though 😊

Notagains · 28/09/2023 16:23

It can work and could be beneficial to all of you , but you have to be completely sure that you won't want to move. Once they move in it will be their home too possibly for the rest of their lives.
Good luck.

Bleuuuughhh · 28/09/2023 16:23

Think it is really sweet.

lilyblue5 · 28/09/2023 16:25

Personally I would hate this but you sound like you have a totally different dynamic and a house set up size wise that will work. :)

Wrongsideofpennines · 28/09/2023 16:25

You need to think about the long term plan too. Is the plan for them to just stay for a couple of years or long term? What happens when the kids are older? What if they don't move out because of the housing market and you have say 8 adults in the house?

Does FIL have a property he will sell? How will this affect finances? In particular think about if he would need formal care.

And I would also want to work out how meals, shopping, bills etc would work so everyone knows the expectations.

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 28/09/2023 16:30

I know family who did this. I would say great, but
Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries!
Establish them before the move.
Make sure there is a space to entertain visitors without impacting on everyone else's privacy.
Make sure that you, your dc and your dh get to spend time together alone as a family.
Make sure everyone knows and remembers who the parents are - my friend said every time her dc walked into the kitchen someone was offering cakes or biscuits!

Sunsept · 28/09/2023 16:33

Agree with last poster about remembering who the parents are - will the kids get mixed message about who is in charge/will grandparents discipline them or try to spoil them etc…

MikeRafone · 28/09/2023 16:39

Id set out some ground rules and really stipulate that communication is needed.

Have a big calendar on the wall that everyone need to write on what they are doing etc, appointment s and when dc are doing stuff - encourage everyone to write on it where they will be.

Communication is the key to most relationships breaking down, so at first it might be wise to have literal family meetings every week to see if everything is ok, even if everything is fine its better to ask than things slowly blow up.

you all get on like a house on fire living apart, that is very different from living with someone 24/7

do you have a time frame to trial this so that everyone has a get out clause?

arintingly · 28/09/2023 16:42

One more thing to think about: stuff.

Both parents and FIL will have a lifetime of belongings and may assume that they can bring furniture etc that can't fit in your home

LookItsMeAgain · 28/09/2023 16:48

MereDintofPandiculation · 28/09/2023 15:05

The negatives come when they decline and start needing care. And you can no longer go on holiday or take to your bed with flu because you are on duty 24/7.

This.

It's great while they are all physically able to navigate their way around your home. Are you willing to make alterations to your home when they get older?

Depending on their ages, I honestly would look for some secure living locations so that they still be independent but they also have the benefit of being able to avail of health assistance as they grow older. Is there anything like that near you?

Also do either you or your DH have siblings? They may feel very isolated and may object to you getting money from their parent(s) if they are paying rent or if they decided to sell their properties in order to move in with you.

This is not going to be as straightforward as you might first imagine.

2catsandhappy · 28/09/2023 16:55

What happens to all their furniture? I assume there will be 2 houses to de-clutter and downsize. That is a huge undertaking. What if one GP/s wants to move out again? Or FIL, in years to come, meets a lady friend(it happens).

Can they all rent out their own houses for a couple of years as a trial?

ittakes2 · 28/09/2023 16:57

I think tts only thing is be aware your f’m’l might not always have the mobility to go upstairs to his room.

BettyPhuckzer · 28/09/2023 17:01

MereDintofPandiculation · 28/09/2023 15:05

The negatives come when they decline and start needing care. And you can no longer go on holiday or take to your bed with flu because you are on duty 24/7.

I think this is something to consider. If can be really tough being a carer