Grandparents moving into our house?

[LeclercBeans]

I put in AIBU as had no idea where to put.

Me and DP have been in discussion about both of our parents potentially moving in with us. For context, I have 5 DS between 8-16 and 1 DD age 8.

DP mum passed last year and FIL has been terribly lonely and has thus been spending a lot of time with DGC. They love him, he looks after them after school twice a week as he drives over but its too far for DC to walk to his house to visit. He also stays over on Sundays and always asks to drop the youngest DC off at school on Monday morning before driving home.

My parents also spend a lot of time at ours and pick up the younger children on 2 of the days FIL hasn't as both me and DP work but I am home at 5 most days. They don't live far and DC often walk around to theirs for tea whenever they feel like it. They have to move out of their house soon as landlord wants to sell and can't find anywhere near where we live (small village) so will end up moving 30-40 min away.

So me and DP have been discussing moving all three into our house. We are lucky to have quite a large house. The downstairs has a granny annex with bathroom, living, kitchen etc where my parents will go. And we have a large room upstairs with ensuite and its big enough for us to add a kitchenette for FIL.

Both us and DC are very excited about the idea and grandparents are too (particularly FIL as very lonely and loves DC to pieces). They have both said they will pay rent to us and will pick up DC from school like they are. Me and DP are very conscious not to slowly add more childcare and make them live in babysitters as they are old and its not their responsibility.

Whats your take on it? I can't think of any negatives apart from occasionally annoying each other, but am sure there are many we are missing, so thought maybe you could help me out? What are the pros/cons? Have any of you done similar?

Should also add my parents and FIL get on like a house on fire and regularly meet for coffee without the rest of us.

Thanks. Sorry for it being so long!

Yes but that’s a problem even if they don’t live with them.

Ime it's much more difficult to suggest a Nursing home when you're living with them

I would post on the elderly parents board and get opinions from people who have had or are having issues with their parents and I would seek legal advice. I don't know if this affects your mortgage when you move in 3 additional adults.

My Mum didn't live with me but went from being a very able, very physically active, positive 61 year old to frail, infirm and bed ridden within 3 months due to her cancer diagnosis. She had carers in and then ended up in the hospice. MIL was very ill with cancer for almost a year.

It can all be great at the start, but then there can be issues with noise from the children all of sudden annoying the parents, illness, dementia and the above poster is right, as they live with you social services will not sort out carers, you become carers and potentially a carer for your FIL.

My friend had his Grandad live with them, it went from perfect to harrowing with his Mum chasing her trouser-less Dad round the house telling him he needed changing with his urine soaked pad hanging heavy in his underpants. He said he wished they had never said he could live with them because all the good memories of his Grandad were now overshadowed with the worst ones.

The biggest issue if this doesn't work out your parents will have nowhere to go and you then have to make them homeless. It is a shit position to be in and I would never want to be in it.

It might be an idea to use some of the rent to pay for a cleaner. There will be extra bathrooms/kitchen spaces to clean plus any communal areas will have more use than currently.

It’s a nightmare suggesting a care home regardless of whether you’re living with them or not. If mine had been living with us a care home would never have been needed at all.

And it would be very hard if there was a parent with dementia who was getting angry with the children while they are still young.

Maybe suggest a 3 month trial so FIL still has his house to go back to.

Only negatives I can think of are declining health - you could end up being a carer for all three of them. You will also see a lot more of them. Just because they have their own self contained accommodation doesn't mean they will acknowledge your boundaries because they will effectively be living with you. Also, this is all based on your set up at the moment. Life is very strange and can change very quickly in my experience so do consider any possible curve balls which may crop up including in the children's lives.

I read a piece on this in the Graun that might interest you @LeclercBeans

https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2019/mar/10/rise-of-multigenerational-family-living

My DF and his second wife had my grandmother (DF's mum) live with them - they had an annex with a kitchen, sitting room, its own bathroom and bedroom. Although there was a connecting door, Grandma had her own entrance and private bit of garden.

This worked very well- Grandma contributed to the household bills (utilities and rates) but paid for her own food.
However, when she was no longer able to look after herself, there were issues getting carers, and funding when she eventually went into a home.

It was also difficult as she liked it if DF went to watch the tv with her every evening- and sulked if he didn't. Step mum found grandma's "helpful" comments and advice very annoying.
Grandma didn't like the noise the teens made and thought they should live according to her (Victorian) standards.

It can work- but think carefully- especially your FiL- he would probably be better in a downstairs bed sitting room, rather than upstairs- you may need to think about a stairlift!

We were in the position of making the decision to live in a multi generational house. We did it (separate bathrooms, same living areas, ate meals as a family) and honestly it was great. It only ended as DM died. Looking back it was the best decision. We all obviously had a good relationship to begin with and were willing to compromise (like any house share). Looking back the times I appreciated were times we unintentionally ended up doing stuff together, moments that wouldn’t have happened if we weren’t living together. I’d say go for it.

Some posters seem to think it will be like 'The Waltons' "G'night, John Boy" . One big happy family.
Unless this is very carefully worked through and talked about in depth it may well cause alsorts of problems in the future. Especially as they grow older the parents may need care, what if things become really difficult? As a woman -totally wrong- you may well become the default carer for the three of them.
What about communal space? What if one wants to invite a friend round especially your fil? There is so much to talk about before you do this.
Everyone is on the same page now but what about 6 months, a year, 5 years down the line? Situations change and what is perfect today may lose its appeal at a later date.

It can be difficult to access care if you're not perceived to be in crisis, and the elders won't be perceived to be in crisis if they have DS/DC/DIL living with them.

Secondly, there is a stage where the care required is sorting the remote control, finding a "lost" email, switching the central heating on, often multiple times a day. If you are not in the same house, you can control this, but it's more difficult if you are in the same house. It may only be a 5 minute job, but when it's happening a dozen or more times a day, it will feel really irksome. Don't underestimate the effect of never being able to sit down and relax with your DH.

I suggest you read Kate Mosse book ‘an extra pair of hands’
It illustrates how well this can work but definitely you all need to be on the same page.

Try reading the Elderly Parents board. Particularly the Cockroach Cafe during 2021, 2022. There's a poster there, I can't remember whether it was the one we called "hairbrush" or whetehr it was one of the ones with "sandwich" in their name, who used to have their mother in an annex in their garden. She had a difficult time of it.

Go for it OP. We did the same 2 years old with my elderly DMIL. She moved in with us permanently and it has worked out so well. We have always got on well and it has continues. My DC's love nan living here and a peace of mind she is safe with us. My DFIL died many years ago and we were worried with her age and being on her own, things we're getting difficult for her. Good luck OP and I think it is a lovely idea.

This!

No way. Think longer term.
And as a parent I hope I wouldn't do this to my adult DC, their partners and young families in the prime of their lives.

It sounds lovely in theory, and yes it's common in other countries, but the DIL is then expected to drop everything to be a nurse when they become infirm.

Someone in my family moved their parent in and it was largely fine. But the parent's other children and their dc wanted to visit regularly (strangely they preferred to visit rather than have the DM over at theirs!) and this created a lot of extra work for my friend. It was just assumed every christmas/gran's birthday was at their house too. My friend felt it was her house but her DM was living with her, but in time her siblings treated it as if it was the DMs house and they treated it as their own. The cousins started to fight but my friend felt she couldn't deny 'access' to her DM.

Things kicked off big time when the DM died and one of the siblings tried to put some sort of partial claim into the house, as the DM had paid rent but also had paid towards some modernization of the home. I'm not sure what the outcome was but it really divided the family.

In terms of them paying rent to you, think this through as is it manageable on pensions as they probably won't be able to claim any top ups for housing costs and presumably will also pay their share of utility bills. I think it's a lovely idea but you could end up, as your children grow up and leave, running a nursing home.

I think it sounds like a great idea in lots of ways. If you are all people who can give and take, if no one person feels the need to be in charge, then it could work well.

i would want to future proof though, or at least acknowledge collectively that what works now might not work in the future. You FIL having a room upstairs, for example: what happens if he can’t manage the stairs? I also agree with the pp who points out that while this a kind of arrangement is common in other cultures / countries, it often goes along with an assumption that a younger female - either an unmarried daughter or a DIL will become the main carer / skivvy at some point. Make sure that isn’t you.

the other thing to consider is finances and your siblings (if you and DH have any). What are the implications for any inheritance that your siblings might expect if your parents pay ‘rent’ to you for years? Or if your FIL sells his property to move in with you ?

What are the implications for any inheritance that your siblings might expect if your parents pay ‘rent’ to you for years?

The same as the implications of them paying rent to their current landlord, presumably.

Depends on the couple and the parents.

This would be my nightmare. But I can see it may work for some people.

How many bedrooms do you have if you have 5 dc and an area for fil upstairs?
What happens as the dc get older or will they have to share rooms?

The OP has 6 dc, with plenty of room and an annexe and space for an extra ensuite room with kitchenette, all in a nice village.

I think it's worth going into it expecting some problems to arise.

Definitely worth discussing in advance how you will get some space as a family without FIL in particular since he has a less defined space. And how often you all anticipate sharing meals or spending the evening together. Also what expectations are there about care if/when they need it?

However, I think overall it's a wonderful idea. I think we'd be a happier country if there was more intergenerational living and wider families living together. Especially in your situation where there's genuinely the space.