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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents moving into our house?

149 replies

LeclercBeans · 28/09/2023 14:59

I put in AIBU as had no idea where to put.

Me and DP have been in discussion about both of our parents potentially moving in with us. For context, I have 5 DS between 8-16 and 1 DD age 8.

DP mum passed last year and FIL has been terribly lonely and has thus been spending a lot of time with DGC. They love him, he looks after them after school twice a week as he drives over but its too far for DC to walk to his house to visit. He also stays over on Sundays and always asks to drop the youngest DC off at school on Monday morning before driving home.

My parents also spend a lot of time at ours and pick up the younger children on 2 of the days FIL hasn't as both me and DP work but I am home at 5 most days. They don't live far and DC often walk around to theirs for tea whenever they feel like it. They have to move out of their house soon as landlord wants to sell and can't find anywhere near where we live (small village) so will end up moving 30-40 min away.

So me and DP have been discussing moving all three into our house. We are lucky to have quite a large house. The downstairs has a granny annex with bathroom, living, kitchen etc where my parents will go. And we have a large room upstairs with ensuite and its big enough for us to add a kitchenette for FIL.

Both us and DC are very excited about the idea and grandparents are too (particularly FIL as very lonely and loves DC to pieces). They have both said they will pay rent to us and will pick up DC from school like they are. Me and DP are very conscious not to slowly add more childcare and make them live in babysitters as they are old and its not their responsibility.

Whats your take on it? I can't think of any negatives apart from occasionally annoying each other, but am sure there are many we are missing, so thought maybe you could help me out? What are the pros/cons? Have any of you done similar?

Should also add my parents and FIL get on like a house on fire and regularly meet for coffee without the rest of us.

Thanks. Sorry for it being so long!

OP posts:
Birch101 · 01/10/2023 20:00

It's lovely that you are all on the same page,
I would make sure that guests are a factor to talk about,
any issues with parking blocking each other in,
how do you feel meals will go, whilst they have kitchenettes will you do a couple of family meals per week?
Address how you like your evenings so they know that you might not want them sitting with you every evening (even if they have their own space)
if your children will be spending more time in the presence then how you want to deal with secrets or confidencess between GP and GC
Who will be responsible for laundry
When the time comes inevitably have you discussed with other siblings about caring responsibilities, heaven forbid if all three needed certain amount of care at the same time
Tv loudness honestly!

Feralgremlin · 01/10/2023 20:01

We live in a multi-generational household and it’s fab! It’s me, DH, DS, my parents, and we have 2 SDs every other weekend. Only difference is that it’s my parents’ house.

There is plenty of room for us all and it works out really well. From a practicality point of view, we are all responsible for the upkeep of our respective “personal spaces”, so for us that’s three bedrooms, playroom, and bathroom. Me and my mum split cooking duties, DH and my dad alternate cleaning the kitchen. We all share the cleaning and general tidying of the rest of the house. We have two reception rooms which allow us to have people over without disturbing anyone else.

I grew up living 6 hours away from each of my grandparents, so it’s been lovely to watch my parents with my son and the relationship he has with them as a result. My parents have had some health issues over the last few years and so we have been able to really look after them and help them recover. My mum is due to have surgery soon, and it means my dad can focus on her and we will pick up all the household stuff.

I think it works well because we all do get on really well, but mainly because there is enough room in the house for us not to have to spend all our time together and spend time in our smaller family units.

I really hope it goes well for you OP!

Thisismynewusername1 · 01/10/2023 20:12

Do you have any siblings? Have you discussed it with them?

friends dsis made the unilateral decision her parents would move in with her. Oh and spend 450k from their house sale extending her house.

we have mil living with us. She has a self contained annexe but is now very dependent- she comes through when she wakes, sits in front of the tv all day until it’s bedtime. She’s lovely but I’d like to sit and slob in my dressing gown eating crap and not having to get her some/make tea/ask if she’s ok all the time.

we’re also at the point we can’t really leave her for any length of time. So no holidays or family days out for the foreseeable.

ActDottie · 01/10/2023 20:26

Personally I’d hate it. But I think in your situation where you have a big enough house it sounds like a good solution.

Sleeepdeprived · 01/10/2023 20:30

This sounds absolutely perfect and I’m jealous! What a wonderful set up - I think you’ll all be very happy and have a very busy and happy home.

thegreylady · 01/10/2023 20:40

It sounds wonderful for all of you 💐

WGACA · 01/10/2023 20:49

You’ve already got 8 people in your home, what’s 3 more?!

happsy · 01/10/2023 21:14

I think you are blessed to have so many lovely family members who love and care for each other so well. I would go for it.

Kwasi · 01/10/2023 22:05

All I would say is do you have another room for FIL to be a living space and kitchenette? Somewhere he can relax and prepare food that isn’t his bedroom.

Elaina87 · 01/10/2023 22:53

Sounds amazing! They'll all have their own space so I think being annoying should hopefully be at a minimum.

JudgeRudy · 01/10/2023 23:30

I wouldn't like it, but then I wouldn't want 5 kids either! I bet there's a couple of dopey dogs and a grouchy cat too!
It's what works for you and it seems that your 'unit' is pretty integrated anyway so it won't be a massive step in terms of practicalities but it will shift a balance.
You say your parents are renting. Will they have income to pay you anything. I doubt they'll get benefits living in a relatives home. I'd check out whether the annex is classed as a separate dwelling. Would your FIL have a property to sell? What happens to that money after his death? Lots of things to consider re aging. What are the plans if someone becomes sick or infirm?
As long as your marriage is solid and everyone knows what they're getting into it actually sounds a wonderful idea. Incidently there's lots of evidence that multi generational families are happier.

Topofthetowntoo · 02/10/2023 00:06

I have a friend who did this - her DH's mum and her own dad (both widowed) moved in. The only issue was that as her father's health declined, it was just assumed she'd be the default carer. It was quite stressful but they muddled on through until he eventually did have to go into a care home.

It sounds like a lot of fun! But I think before everyone moves in, it'd be wise to have a discussion about boundaries, things like who is responsible for what. Will you all eat together? Who washes up? What about if either parent/parents want to have visitors? All that kind of stuff!

That'll hopefully save you some difficult conversations further down the line.

Hollyhobbi · 02/10/2023 02:06

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/09/2023 15:04

I think if you and they think it will work, go for it! It wouldn't be for me, but neither would 5 kids Grin so clearly we just gave different preferences.

Why not give it a year trial and see how everyone gets on.

It's 6 kids the op has!!

UpaladderwatchingTV · 02/10/2023 03:25

Do you ever entertain friends OP? If so, how would your parents and FIL feel if you asked them not to come into your part of the house whilst you are entertaining, or if you didn't mention it, would they be inclined to come wandering in, and linger, perhaps making friends feel uncomfortable and conversations become stilted? Do you, or they, have any habits which seem OK now, but might bug you or them at some point to come? For example, does your DH like a drink or two, possibly to excess, but your parents don't really like people drinking to that degree, or vice versa. As another poster said, what happens if you're having a marital disagreement, and the various parents walk in on it, are they discreet enough to turn around and walk away, or would they perhaps, having been moved in a while, feel comfortable enough to start adding their own opinions to any disagreement, as this could really cause ill feeling, not only between you and your DH, but between the parents, as your parents would naturally take your side, while FIL would take DH's. What if as the kids get older, they go through a difficult spell where they start taking drugs, or frequently coming home drunk, or bring loud friends home? Would the various parents be tempted to interfere? Would it be possible for your FIL to have some kind of separate unit in the garden rather than an upstairs apartment, because as others have said, it might not always be viable for him to get upstairs, and he may not want to entertain friends upstairs either, and therefore encroach on your space. Also, your own parents may want to have visitors, would there be room for them to entertain in their part of the house?

On the surface these arrangements often seem like a good idea, but unfortunately quite often it's the little habits that turn into niggles that end up making everyone miserable. Also, while these things are in the planning stages, people very often will agree to things that seem OK at the time, but in reality, what happens if they end up unhappy with how things actually pan out in reality. My advice would be to think long and hard before making a decision OP, as this is a MASSIVE commitment, and while on the surface you may be a happy family now, things could change dramatically if they all move in, and then it doesn't work. Do come back and let us know what you decide.

arintingly · 02/10/2023 06:30

For all those saying "other cultures do it" - I come from one of those cultures and know many people who do it or have done it and, honestly, 90% of the daughters in law are unhappy about it to a greater or lesser extent.

Drfosters · 02/10/2023 07:50

I echo what other people have said about siblings. My in laws ended up living next door to one of their children and although we all get on it has made it really awkward for us. We can never see them alone. We always have other family members around. We don’t get to just have dinner with them when we visit for instance. So we don’t go as much any more. So just bear in mind what it might feel like for the rest of the family if there is any and talk to them,

Rufusroo · 02/10/2023 12:37

Sounds amazing! You already have 6 children so are used to busy noisy household. They say it takes a village to raise a child - you are halfway there already

Lisapop1 · 02/10/2023 12:44

I think It's a great idea.

Shuzzazall · 02/10/2023 13:53

We have an arrangement not too dissimilar to this and it works brilliantly as long as you have clear boundaries/ docs sound on:

  • time - when people want time to themselves what happens
  • money, who pays for what and do consider wills and siblings and things in this too - it gets complicated!
  • chores/ basics - cutting grass and keeping things sorted
  • agreement about what happens if someone isn’t happy.

enjoy! It’s a wonderful way to live! X

professionalnomad · 02/10/2023 16:21

I think it's really lovely and your children and family will be all the more closer and stronger from it. There is a lot to be said for collectivism.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 02/10/2023 17:09

You need to consider how you´ll manage if (or when) they decline. Even something comparatively simple like FIL not managing the stairs to his room may come with a lot of issues.

And your children will get older as well. The annex or ensuite might suddenly be quite useful for one of them...

(And I would not want to live with my DM ever again. But I understand that you clearly don´t feel the same way.)

Ohhbaby · 02/10/2023 17:37

Obviously there will be some niggles like you said. Annoyed etc, but that happened between you and dh and the boys as well?

I will definitely do the same one day.
I really lament how we shove our parents off once they need care.

I think intergenerational care and learning is beautiful and the western world has lost a lot of that.

Ohhbaby · 02/10/2023 17:39

arintingly · 02/10/2023 06:30

For all those saying "other cultures do it" - I come from one of those cultures and know many people who do it or have done it and, honestly, 90% of the daughters in law are unhappy about it to a greater or lesser extent.

I also come from such a culture and disagree entirely.

arintingly · 02/10/2023 18:03

Ohhbaby · 02/10/2023 17:39

I also come from such a culture and disagree entirely.

Show quote history

I'm glad it's working well for people you know but it really isn't for those I know.

Cultures that have traditionally done this are now starting to trend towards living separately - which reflects the fact that it is often a huge caring responsibility on the women of the family

Ribidibidibidoobahday · 02/10/2023 22:35

My nan lived with us and it was great. I would love my dad to live with us. But not to live with him. That's a big thing that we realised when we were living with him for a bit. It's hard being in (what was) someone else's space, however well you get on.

Best solution is for you all to move somewhere together so it's equal. Second best solution is to each have clearly defined space of your own, which you can furnish and manage with complete autonomy. Your parents will have that with their annex but it may be tricky for FIL. Having a separate living space that doesn't have a bed in it to retreat to, or to entertain guests in was key for my nan and would be for my dad. But that may not be the case for FIL, he may just embrace yours and want to hang out in the noise anyway. If not then division of space and storage so he can have a bit more than a bedroom that's his may help long term. Maybe just a shed even?
I hope it all goes well, it sounds lovely.