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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents moving into our house?

149 replies

LeclercBeans · 28/09/2023 14:59

I put in AIBU as had no idea where to put.

Me and DP have been in discussion about both of our parents potentially moving in with us. For context, I have 5 DS between 8-16 and 1 DD age 8.

DP mum passed last year and FIL has been terribly lonely and has thus been spending a lot of time with DGC. They love him, he looks after them after school twice a week as he drives over but its too far for DC to walk to his house to visit. He also stays over on Sundays and always asks to drop the youngest DC off at school on Monday morning before driving home.

My parents also spend a lot of time at ours and pick up the younger children on 2 of the days FIL hasn't as both me and DP work but I am home at 5 most days. They don't live far and DC often walk around to theirs for tea whenever they feel like it. They have to move out of their house soon as landlord wants to sell and can't find anywhere near where we live (small village) so will end up moving 30-40 min away.

So me and DP have been discussing moving all three into our house. We are lucky to have quite a large house. The downstairs has a granny annex with bathroom, living, kitchen etc where my parents will go. And we have a large room upstairs with ensuite and its big enough for us to add a kitchenette for FIL.

Both us and DC are very excited about the idea and grandparents are too (particularly FIL as very lonely and loves DC to pieces). They have both said they will pay rent to us and will pick up DC from school like they are. Me and DP are very conscious not to slowly add more childcare and make them live in babysitters as they are old and its not their responsibility.

Whats your take on it? I can't think of any negatives apart from occasionally annoying each other, but am sure there are many we are missing, so thought maybe you could help me out? What are the pros/cons? Have any of you done similar?

Should also add my parents and FIL get on like a house on fire and regularly meet for coffee without the rest of us.

Thanks. Sorry for it being so long!

OP posts:
winterchills · 28/09/2023 20:00

I think that sounds so so lovely!! I would love my mum and dad to live with me!

Iforgotmyusernameagainandagain · 28/09/2023 20:01

My DMIL (yes, she's dear) lived with my DBIL and his DW from the age of 55 to 79 (now 94). They didn't intend to have kids, but offered her a home in their house as she'd been burgled a few times.

A few years down the line they changed their minds and had two children. It worked really well - she had her own lounge, living room and kitchen (shared bathroom), and they all did their own thing. Where it worked really well was with the children, and they are all very close to her - frequent calls and visits, she is valued by us all. However they were very much separate households, so no encroaching on each others space.

She worked until she was 70, but always made time for their children and other grandchildren. She decided herself to find sheltered accommodation when she was 79 as 'the stairs were becoming a bit difficult'. She's been in the same sheltered accommodation since it opened and she loves it there. Because my DBIL and my DSIS did this kind deed she's had a lovely life at the centre of family, and everyone is very close to her.

It's not always a negative, and older parents moving in doesn't mean it's for life. Why not enjoy this lovely setup while it lasts? It will be beneficial for all of you, and much easier that they're already friends. I'd say good luck but I honestly don't think you need it - everyones hearts are in the right place.

Iforgotmyusernameagainandagain · 28/09/2023 20:07

feralunderclass · 28/09/2023 18:28

It sounds lovely in theory, and yes it's common in other countries, but the DIL is then expected to drop everything to be a nurse when they become infirm.

Someone in my family moved their parent in and it was largely fine. But the parent's other children and their dc wanted to visit regularly (strangely they preferred to visit rather than have the DM over at theirs!) and this created a lot of extra work for my friend. It was just assumed every christmas/gran's birthday was at their house too. My friend felt it was her house but her DM was living with her, but in time her siblings treated it as if it was the DMs house and they treated it as their own. The cousins started to fight but my friend felt she couldn't deny 'access' to her DM.

Things kicked off big time when the DM died and one of the siblings tried to put some sort of partial claim into the house, as the DM had paid rent but also had paid towards some modernization of the home. I'm not sure what the outcome was but it really divided the family.

I think clarity is everything. My DMIL had suffered a couple of burglaries close together and was frightened to live alone, but it was also before the rise of sheltered accommodation in our area. My DSIS was clear from the outset that she would not be doing nursing or caring. My DMIL decided to apply for alternative accommodation herself when her health had deteriorated to the point that stairs were an issue (her accommodation was on the first floor). However during her time there not once did any of us (she had 5 children) feel that we could just drop in and take over. Even though her apartment didn't have a separate door, it was definitely separate accommodation. I feel the issue is that it's not being made clear to the other children that mum is essentially a lodger and can't take over the whole house for visitors.

Spirallingdownwards · 28/09/2023 20:12

Further do you or your DP have siblings and how will they feel? Will they think you are getting favoured treatment? Will they assume you are after a bigger share of inheritance or wrong for taking rent from them? It can have a wider fallout than just impacting those living in the house.

I couldn't live like that bit if it works for all of you and won't upset other siblings then go for it.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 29/09/2023 13:18

My Grandmother used to read us 'Milly Molly Mandy' stories (from her own childhood books I think) when we were little. We always wanted to live in a house with all the family (siblings, parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents)and be just like Milly Molly Mandy!

My cousins lived on one side of their house with their grandparents on the other side. (I got very confused one night and went through a connecting door upstairs to find myself in the same house but in reverse.) It seemed to work well and was repeated in the next generation.

Grumpy101 · 29/09/2023 13:22

My parents and my in laws are very helpful people and we have a great relationship with both. If I had the space, that would be my dream.

I have friends whose parents are demanding and not helpful and the relationship is more rocky - it wouldn't work in that case. So it depends very much on the people and you'll get very biased responses since everyone is talking from their own experience

OhComeOnFFS · 29/09/2023 13:22

What happens when your FIL can no longer manage the stairs?

What happens when they have visitors when you want time on your own?

What happens when you're having an argument with your kids about eg homework and they butt in and tell the kids you were worse than that?

What happens when you want to have time with your husband and they want to come and join you?

Wallywobbles · 29/09/2023 14:10

We have people living with us a lot. Mostly it works well. The one thing I miss is a private space for DH & I in the evening. It could be tiny but it would make a real difference. We just tend to have very long baths!

Milkand2sugarsplease · 29/09/2023 15:05

As someone that has no grandparent input in our lives, and I don't mean no grandparents for childcare, I literally mean zero grandparent input in our life from either side, I say go for it and enjoy every second! Your parents and children will love it, you're happy about it - what's not to love.

There'll be niggles along the way - just like there are between you/DH/children at the minute but if you all get along, it'll be nothing major.

mrssunshinexxx · 29/09/2023 15:11

Sounds perfect op, I'm jealous . Hope it all works out . Particularly for your FIL being widowed I bet he is so so thrilled for this opportunity x

Bib1234 · 01/10/2023 19:21

so it could be a good thing that they’re there already to be helped or looked after

Abbyant · 01/10/2023 19:30

The only thing I can think of is if fil’s mobility were to decline being in an upstairs room might not work for him, but I don’t know his age or current mobility so that might be many years away. I can’t envision many cons to the situation as you seem to have a lovely, happy and healthy “village”. Good luck

FawltyTower · 01/10/2023 19:32

I can't think of any negatives apart from occasionally annoying each other

You're setting yourselves up to be all threes future carers. If they become ill/immobile or develop dementia you will find it immensely more difficult to get any kind of external care package in place because they live with you - default carers.

If they're not particularly elderly - let's say 65 now for arguments sake - then you could find yourself in the position where your own dc grow up and move out and you transition seamlessly from full time caring for dc to the same for adults. Can't just go on holiday without 'making arrangements'. For decades maybe. It's a huge responsibility to take on with one parent let alone three.

If you're ok with that, great. If you're not, take off the rose tinted glasses and think very carefully about what you're actually signing up for.

Karenaki · 01/10/2023 19:34

Sounds ideal.
as the kids get older they may feel it cramps their style, but sounds like they’ll both be fairly self contained. Is there a living space where kids can have their friends over without grandparents also trying to watch Tv? That’s the only con I can think of!
i live with my parents (so I am biased!), they bought the other half of our semi when I was a teen and knocked into one. They’ve been rattling round on their own since we all moved out so when I became a single mother of twins they asked me to move in. Is all open plan, though we have our own kitchens, lounges etc. just one
shared front door. Plan is to brick it up again in a few years when kids are teens. Is easier for them to help me with me being here, they were driving over a lot! And I figure in the fullness of time When I’m helping them, it’ll be easier for me with them being just next door (we plan to brick up the wall downstairs but keep an adjoining doorway upstairs). Mum had her parents live with her a good few years back and she said it was easy to get to her in the night and thinks will be easier for me to keep it there rather than having to go downstairs, through front doors etc). So we are planning ahead!)

with yours living in it will be similarly easy. Yes they’ll be there if they need care and you may feel more tied down, but tbh if you’re like me and the only local child and care would fall to you anyway, at least if they’re live in it’ll be easier for you?? You can still have carers come in to do certain things, my gran had a carer in the evenings while here to get her into bed etc.

good luck if you go ahead. sounds lovely for you all. And lovely that you can do it for both sets rather than one set fitting in and leaving the other one on their own. You both will feel so proud that you could do that for them

RomeoRivers · 01/10/2023 19:34

Sounds completely fabulous and we are looking to do the same in the future. I think multi-generational living has so many benefits for everyone, provided everyone has their own space. Go for it!

floofbag · 01/10/2023 19:38

My first thought was how big is your house ? 🙈.. if it's really big then go for it . That's a lot of people in one house and for me it would need to be massive not just big .

bellamountain · 01/10/2023 19:47

Sounds like Christmas every day. In other cultures, this is very normal.

Creamteasandbumblebees · 01/10/2023 19:48

I think it sounds wonderful, I only wish we had the room to do the same. Many cultures have always lived with this set up. How amazing for your DC to benefit from the love and wisdom of their DGP.

Ktr88 · 01/10/2023 19:49

My grandad moved in with me and my 2 children when my grandma passed away. Due to loneliness. He since developed dementia and I’m now his full time carer. As well as having a 5 year disabled child with additional needs. It’s hard and something I didn’t think about or anticipate at the time I moved him in. Maybe speak to them to make future plans also if you don’t have the time/capacity to be full time carers one day. It’s a wonderful thing to do but think long term also. Good luck

Mew2 · 01/10/2023 19:51

For me- it sounds amazing- and like the home my husband grew up in- 8 bedrooms plus granny annexe, and they had planning permission for a second which they never did. My 2 pence worth- after dealing with patients and hubby having had 2 brain injuries:

  1. Ensuring power of attorney for both finance and health documents are filed
  2. Discussions about things like wills and life insurance, and ensuring you know where documentation is
  3. Future proof your house: look at putting in a downstairs storage area big enough for a hospital bed and walk in shower incase it's needed- doesn't need to use it now (my inlaws remodelled there house and did this- it's amazing)
  4. Set firm ground rules- ensure their is an area of the house that is set aside for just you and your children if needed
  5. Discussion about what happens dur to failing health/ mobility or dementia. Think about s living will. Also Discuss DNAR and organ donation.
  6. Discuss what happens on death- funeral arrangements, funeral costs etc
  7. Being a carer is massive- my caring role for hubby hanges depending on his health- sometimes I need respite so Discuss this- would they be up for a week away, or a week in a care home to give you guys respite if needed
  8. Discuss mentalhealth- and what all of you need to be able to function well- exercise, hobbies, arts and craft, time on your own- and how to craft it to work

As long as this is all thought of I would be happy to move parents in (though for me if its my inlaws we will move in with them instead or one of dhs siblings will)

Holliegee · 01/10/2023 19:53

I think it sounds fabulous, obviously you all get on well and it’s been well planned out so far.
You can predict the future and what may be around the corner but for here and now the plan seems ideal.
Financially it makes sense too as it means you have a cushion and could perhaps build a nest egg in case you need to extend etc.
Go for it it sounds amazing.

Notlaughingalot · 01/10/2023 19:53

MereDintofPandiculation · 28/09/2023 15:05

The negatives come when they decline and start needing care. And you can no longer go on holiday or take to your bed with flu because you are on duty 24/7.

I don't see why looking after elderly parents is seen as a negative. If the parents are sufficiently declined to need care 24/7, they will need to be in a care home.

It sounds like an excellent idea OP.

purplehair1 · 01/10/2023 19:56

Sounds amazing and I’ve always wanted to live in a big family/friends group house

Therunecaster · 01/10/2023 19:58

I did this but just with my Father. I'm not saying it doesn't have some good points but all things considered I wish I hadn't.

Iwasafool · 01/10/2023 19:59

My mother lived with us for some years and yes it has lots of positives. The annoying bits were when we were hard up and she'd have the central heating blasting all day while we were at work (found out a couple of times when I came home early) also she always took DHs side in any argument.

The only other negative was wider family saw it as her home (which it was but it was also mine) and would visit without a thought about us, so where aunts/uncles/siblings might call in and see us occasionally they were suddenly there quite a lot but if your house is big that will probably be easier.