Husband wants to go on expeditions

[Jude628]

Hi,

My husband is in the forces and spends a lot of time away from our family (3 year old and 10 month old). My mother in law is 4 hours away and rest of family is a flight away so I don’t have any help day to day and that’s fine- I manage (not always thriving but it is what it is and love being a mother and support his career).

However, my husband recently wrote me a letter telling me he has not been truly happy since our eldest arrives as he feels like he can’t follow his passion- going on expeditions eg rowing oceans, climbing risky mountains like Everest and K2- things that take a month or two at least to complete. He is asking permission to do these things…on top of his job, and spend more time away from us and I don’t know what to do! I want him to be happy but I also don’t want to agree to being a single parent 80% of the time.

Any advice please?

As I said if I meet a man or woman who is involved with such I will most likely stay away because it is fact that I will be competing with the sport for the duration of our marriage. And she knew he had summited Everest and had these goals so it was naive of her to expect him to be the normal husband who will be home everyday.

This is very simple, not sure why you're trying to make it something else like I'm being sexist or infantising men.

This will be my view if it was a man who met a woman into mountaineering and high adrenaline activities or a woman who met a man. As is said there are many women who are also part of these expeditions and I can assure you their husbands are also home facing the same situation OP is facing.

Did you not discuss this whole thing prior to having kids? Surely if he is mountaineering at that level you would not expect him to just stop? I really feel for you. I would question what role models have a family and are also going on expeditions because most people who are doing both are professional athletes and if you actually read about what they say in hindsight of leaving their family for months on end, they do regret missing missing children grow up and leaving their partner to single parent. Are the forces paying for these expeditions too? Because if not I'd wonder where my 40+ grand is for the year to spend on myself. I'd also be wondering if he can't be happy without the highs of high altitude climbing then maybe he has to take a look at his own mental health. I really feel for you.

Ha fucking ha. He is having a laugh, no?
Also - why write you a letter? Why can’t he just talk to you?
You might be his biggest supporter but he is not reciprocating. I’d say you are under-reacting here. What he is proposing is pretty outrageous.

I actually found out I was pregnant when he was summiting Everest

I am pretty sure he wasn't at the summit of Everest.

Sounds like he's a piss taker to me. When is your month off to do you expeditions?

You do know she can’t arrange these ‘holidays’ for herself whilst he’s in the military ?
He could be called on detachment at a moment’s notice and she’d lose her deposit or potentially the whole lot.
Of course she won’t get the equivalent ‘time off’ , even if he was amenable to it 🙄

He’s utterly selfish and I say that as someone who was an Air Force wife for nearly 15 years.

I would just write back and ask him to outline how he sees this working, with him away so much, and facilitating you having time alone too.

Off the top of my head -

Committing to no more than 1x week away per year separate to the family

Committing to the same for you in return (7x nights, whether you take them in one go or do short trips with friends/solo/1x dc)

Facilitating and supporting a move for you (if you would want this) to be closer to your friends and family

Funding a Nanny/Cleaner/Helper on a semi regular basis

Having a rough plan in place for changing roles/jobs at some point to reduce/remove the travelling away.

Precisely.

Why did he not speak to you about it? Why write a letter? I know you said he's away a lot, but still...would you write to him if you had something important to say?

Those mentioning insurance, that's the other thing. Your DH wants to take regular risks with his life (you said in a previous post he climbed Everest only 4 years ago). So there is a much increased risk of you ending up being his carer for the rest of your life should he end up disabled. I highly doubt he would give up the life he wants and be a carer for you should you need it, given that he's not even happy to rein it in until the DC are older.

So again, you place all the responsibility on OP and what she should have known, rather than holding him accountable for his choices. He made the choice to have children, he wasn’t tricked, so no, he should not be absolved of that responsibility, he’s an adult, just like OP.

'Tomorrow is not guaranteed' also applies to your children, they only have one childhood - blink and you could miss it. As someone with adult children, I know how short those years actually are and how quickly they pass - he seems to have no desire to fully experience fatherhood, but instead sees it as a sideline to his main passions. I think that is sad and I also think he may well come to regret it.

I think a compromise could be that he does a big expedition every other year?

not actually summiting sorry lol he was at base camp about to go up for the final time :) it was a long process! I was at base camp for 5 days too, I love adventure (nothing too dangerous) but can easily put it to one side but it’s not that simple for an adrenaline junky. Yes i do say that too but the thing is I’d rather all be together.

Yep agreed… and this is a regular topic in our home- important to do what makes you happy and also not to miss those precious years.. TRICKY 😩🤦🏼‍♀️

I think out of a career in the armed forces, long expeditions and being a parent, you can only have 2 out of 3. He already decided to be a parent and he can't just opt out of that (well, many men do, but he certainly shouldn't do it). So he needs to choose between the army or the expeditions. I think if he worked mostly at/near home and was fully present for you and the children most of the time, it would be ok to do long expeditions from time to time. But it's frankly too much to work away and do these expeditions as well.

Can you relocate to live closer to your family? You'd probably benefit from their support and company.

I do think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that this relationship might not last, sadly.

You really need to ask him when will you get the equivalent time off from the children .

His response to that question will be very, very telling about his intentions in does he view you as a human being or a live in nanny, and that your life and passions don’t matter

You keep insisting he is a great and present dad, but that's quite easy to do if you barely see your children and are planning to spend even less time with them by design.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. He is half in and half out and asking permission to make it even worse. And you seem so enamoured about how 'great' he is, that (by the sounds of things), you'll sacrifice your own happiness for his.

Take the previous post from LadyV about her dad doing regular expeditions and it all being hunky dory, with a pinch of salt. It sounds like he done these for work. Your husband works away already and wants to do this ON TOP of that. It's not comparable.

I spent many years with a military man. It takes a toll on families and sadly, its not at all rare for them to struggle to settle into family life. 7 months my ex coped as a civilian before he signed back up. For all their adventurous ways, specialist training, stamina and danger seeking, they can't cope with the 9-5 of normality. It's all too tedious for them and in my opinion, they feel too superior to do it (I know many military people so this isn't just based on my biased feelings for my ex).

You deserve to be a main player in your own marriage. In your own life. You are not just there to facilitate his dreams. Make some of your own. You keep saying how he urges you to get some free time but in reality, if your dreams took you away for 2/3 months at a time and he was 'het' for fulltime, 100% parenting duty during that period, how supportive would he be then?

I’d say sounds brilliant, I’m sure the kids will love it too, just make sure they get their jabs.

Inside I would be thinking he’s a ridiculous selfish man child who wants everything his own way and bring a parent means that you might just have to not do this for a few years, especially if you work away.

Externally I would say that you think it’s perfectly reasonable for each parent to have an equal amount of time and money allocated to themselves each year, so let’s get the calendar and bank statements out and I’ll take a week at Easter in a Spa. That should put the frighteners on him.

He has to compromise
He can pick two from the following list
*Career in the forces
*Fun expeditions
*Kids who know him, wife who loves him.

Of we wants to go on all these expeditions but have you and the kids, he needs to do a job where he's around and home "typical" hours.

If he wants to stay in the forces and go on expeditions, he's basically checking out. You be single, find someone who's interested in you, he can go live his FOMO and turn up to take the kids for a few hour every few months.

Unless you're completely happy with this, don't agree. The deal is family or expeditions, not both, at least not until the kids are a lot older, and even then, only if it doesn't make you unhappy. I'm all for having your own time, but this is far too big an ask. You must be so disappointed in him for showing his lack of commitment to you all like this (also, who writes a letter rather than discussing it like grown ups?)

Anyway, it's out there now, you know he's unhappy. He's shown you who he is. Time for you to reevaluate your future, and his within your family. Find your fury, don't let him dictate your life and steal your happiness.

That's the approach I used when my husband came up with this sh** when ours were young. He packed in his plans for his 2-week self-development expedition after just one full weekend of looking after a baby and a toddler on his own (when I was taking my equivalent time off, in portions). If he refuses, then you know he's just plain selfish.

Btw, my kids are 10 and 8 now and he's got that 'self-development' trip booked in for December. With my blessing.

He sounds like a fucking prick tbh

Everest and K2 are very risky expeditions. There's a strong possibility he might not come back. Also, are you sure his life insurance covers those sorts of expeditions? I doubt it does, I bet you would have to get specialty insurance with a very expensive rider to cover those.

He is showing multiple levels of selfishness here - leaving all the hard graft of parenting to you, wanting to take even more time (and probably more of the family money) to do his own thing, putting his life at risk despite being (I presume) the main earner, not bothering to see his kids, and last but not least, writing you a really stressful letter when he's not around to discuss it in person. I'm wondering if the next letter will be "after my last letter I decided parenthood is not for me so I hired a lawyer to file for divorce, the papers will get there on Tuesday, please sign and make sure you initial the parts where it says you don't get my military pension if I die on Everest because I have met a nice woman in the forces who truly understands and accepts me the way I am and I want to marry her instead haveanicelife BYEeeeeeeee!"

I’d think he was looking for a way out of the marriage.

Unless you and he and the children can live with a couple of months away every 2/3 years and it doesn’t impact in family life between expeditions and you get the same or the marriage needs a serious rethink
It doesn’t mean you have to divorce but you need the option that you can stay where you are or move nearer relatives if that is what you want to do and he needs to get a place on his own.

Realistically how much time does he spend away and if he wants a further couple of months to go on expeditions then how much time each year would he be home.

It could mean you decide to live separately and do your own thing for the time being. Have your separate lives and get together when and if you are both free.

As someone who had a dh who was away 3 weeks in every 4 for 20 years, looking back I wish we had made the decision to live our lives separately. I found without dh there I had a routine and it worked but then dh would return and it was chaos as children wanted to see their dad and he would come home each evening in the middle of bedtime which meant routine went out the window only for me to have to make more effort to be the one to get them back on an even keel When he was gone.
If he had a separate address it would have been easier on dc if they knew they were seeing their father on certain days of the month and home life remained steady

I think atm the worse thing is that he clearly isn’t happy being around and the time and head space you have to take trying to get his mind around that he is now a husband and father.

I think you and the children will feel more settled if you all know where you stand and the choices he chooses to make are his choices and the choices you choose to make are your choices.

I think he is probably a great father because it is like a novelty experience and he only has to do it for a set amount of time, then he can return to real life.