Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to go on expeditions

327 replies

Jude628 · 27/09/2023 14:04

Hi,

My husband is in the forces and spends a lot of time away from our family (3 year old and 10 month old). My mother in law is 4 hours away and rest of family is a flight away so I don’t have any help day to day and that’s fine- I manage (not always thriving but it is what it is and love being a mother and support his career).

However, my husband recently wrote me a letter telling me he has not been truly happy since our eldest arrives as he feels like he can’t follow his passion- going on expeditions eg rowing oceans, climbing risky mountains like Everest and K2- things that take a month or two at least to complete. He is asking permission to do these things…on top of his job, and spend more time away from us and I don’t know what to do! I want him to be happy but I also don’t want to agree to being a single parent 80% of the time.

Any advice please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jude628 · 27/09/2023 16:20

That wasn’t my quote, that was someone’s advice as I really agree with you. Tomorrow is not guaranteed so it’s hard for me just to tell him to wait until the kids are older to follow his dreams.

OP posts:
MrsMarzetti · 27/09/2023 16:21

If you are in Quarters take the opportunity to save every penny you can and one day when he goes off to climb a mountain, pack his stuff up and drop it off with his C.O. At least you will get a year of living in the quarter whilst you find somewhere else to live.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/09/2023 16:21

@RedToothBrush

i doubt this guy would be happy to just set kids off on their adventures and not have his own anymore. He’s clearly fit and passionate and young enough, clearly not over the hill

Shoxfordian · 27/09/2023 16:21

What are your dreams op? Does anyone give you time to follow them? If it’s being stuck in a house with small children and no support then you’ve made it

Naunet · 27/09/2023 16:22

Ilovelifeverymuch · 27/09/2023 16:13

She knew what he did and still married and had kids with him, so yes there is naivety in her part as well to expect he will suddenly turn into Johnny next door who is always around and focus on "scouts".

And my point was yes she should speak to him and try to find a compromise but you saying he should just focus on scouts is naive and unrealistic and will NOT happen.

And you turned it into a battle of sexes but welcome for trying to spin around. I was just giving examples of the mindset and you made it about sexes.

Edited
Show quote history

Are you trying to say he couldn’t possibly have understood what having kids meant? That he’d need to be there for them, that they become priority? So she should have known, but no need for him to? Do you have a habit of infantising men?

Temporaryname158 · 27/09/2023 16:22

Agree with responding with whatever @Codlingmoths said.

id also add that should he undertake any of these expeditions that he purchases (and you make sure it’s there) the highest, watertight life insurance policy money can buy. The risk of something happening is high and at least you wouldn’t be destitute!

SOBplus · 27/09/2023 16:24

I gave up "adventures" due to near death experience when first child on the way. 25 years later going on mini adventures with the kids, DP still doesn't like "adventures". Let him know he can go again later, family first!

FOJN · 27/09/2023 16:24

RedToothBrush · 27/09/2023 15:58

Just to point out the K2 death rate.

For every 100 people who successfully summit, 23 people die.

The ratio for Everest is about 3.9 to 100.

If he is talking about doing K2 you need to have a VERY serious conversation about this (and life insurance).

It's really not on if you have young kids imho.

That's why K2 is called the savage mountain.

Despite being higher Everest is a essentially a very strenuous hike, K2 is an advanced technical climb and requires serious mountaineering skills.

LadyVorkosigan · 27/09/2023 16:26

My dad regularly went on scientific expeditions from work.

It meant that he was away for 2-3 months at a time, leaving my mum (who also worked full time) with two children and the mother-in-law, my gran. Three generations under one roof were pretty much the norm at the time in my country, as was having both parents at work and live-in grandparents taking care of the grandchildren.

But when he came back he brought back wonderful stories, and interesting things, and he was also the best possible father to me and my brother. He took us on sailing, skiing, cycling and camping expeditions during holidays. We had an idyllic childhood.

I can see that him being away often would not be ideal for you, OP, but it might have a more positive impact on the children than you fear. I would suggest a calm discussion of a compromise - he should be able go, but less often than he might like! As a PP suggested, a longer expedition every two years is very reasonable, with maybe something shorter - a week, or a fortnight - in the intervening years. Plus time off for you, if you want it. Good luck.

pinkyredrose · 27/09/2023 16:27

How fucking dare he say he hasn't been truly happy since the kids arrived! 😡

I'd be so angry about that I'd be packing him out the door myself.

Cornettoninja · 27/09/2023 16:28

Ok, well if you’re happy with it you need to work out what your boundaries are:

financially

what’s the longest period of time you find acceptable to not see your children in a meaningful way (presuming work takes him away for periods and expeditions/training would be during time he would have otherwise spent at the family home)

support for you as you’ll effectively be on your own for these time periods

What’s the ‘level’ of thrill seeking you’re comfortable with? Decent insurance and a plan for what happens if he dies or ends up with life changing injuries. I’m sure this has crossed both of your minds anyway with his job but increasing opportunities for this to happen deserves discussion.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/09/2023 16:28

@pinkyredrose

”How fucking dare he say he hasn't been truly happy since the kids arrived! 😡”

why are you so outraged by that? Lots of men and women aren’t wearing properly happy after having kids. There are loads of forums and posts on this on mumsnet. He’s just being honest and he’s not alone.

Peaceandquietfinally · 27/09/2023 16:29

My husband went climbing every year to the alps whilst children were younger. I wasn't too bothered because only for a week or so..He climbed mountain next to Everest when he was'60 and was gone for about 6 weeks .Expedition cost a bloody fortune!!
Think it's something you both have to agree on!Why did he write letter rather than speak?

Ilovelifeverymuch · 27/09/2023 16:29

Naunet · 27/09/2023 16:22

Are you trying to say he couldn’t possibly have understood what having kids meant? That he’d need to be there for them, that they become priority? So she should have known, but no need for him to? Do you have a habit of infantising men?

Show quote history

No I do not infantise men, but I also will probably not marry someone who has the passion for summiting Everest because I know I will be competing with his passion and I don't want that.

And this will be the same if I was a man and met a woman who has a goal of summiting all 8 thousander mountains, I will be very very very naive to think she will become the normal woman who does her 9-5 be comes home. There are 14 mountains over 8k in height and it is an addiction to them so I would not even get involved in the first place, man or woman.

Boomboom22 · 27/09/2023 16:30

He sounds very selfish tbh. And adrenaline seeking, not a good thing at all.

Naunet · 27/09/2023 16:30

Ilovelifeverymuch · 27/09/2023 16:29

No I do not infantise men, but I also will probably not marry someone who has the passion for summiting Everest because I know I will be competing with his passion and I don't want that.

And this will be the same if I was a man and met a woman who has a goal of summiting all 8 thousander mountains, I will be very very very naive to think she will become the normal woman who does her 9-5 be comes home. There are 14 mountains over 8k in height and it is an addiction to them so I would not even get involved in the first place, man or woman.

Edited
Show quote history

So why are you so focused on what she should have known before getting married and having kids, but don’t apply the same energy to him? Where’s his responsibility for his choices?

azlazee1 · 27/09/2023 16:31

I'm not sure I would want a drop-in husband who came home when nothing else was on the horizon. It's your life and you choose how to live it. If you can be happy with a part time husband so be it. His happiness lies elsewhere. Best of luck to you.

KimKardashiansKarpetKrab · 27/09/2023 16:31

If he wants to negotiate spending 80% time away from you and the kids, he's basically breaking up with you isn't he? If I was in your shoes I'd tell him to fuck off up K2 and stay there. What's the point of him?

Or, you could write back to him and say, 'oh my god, I've been feeling exactly the same! Let's take turns - you have a month trekking Antarctica and then I'll go and explore the Bahamas, deal?'

Presumably he's intending to spend family money on all these trips? Or is he so detached from family life that he considers it 'his' money?

He's making a bit of a mug of you OP.

PyramusandThisbe · 27/09/2023 16:31

LaurieFairyCake · 27/09/2023 14:08

"I didnt agree to being a single parent, your children deserve your input. Plenty of time to do that in 18 years. Perhaps if you find a Time Machine we can go back and discuss this BEFORE we had the children we agreed to"

This. Though it's politer than I'd be.

yikesanotherbooboo · 27/09/2023 16:31

I am all for compromise but really, once you have DC , they are your priority not to mention where you life partner comes in the priority list. He seems to be putting his hopes and dreams above those of the family. I would suggest that he looks at different projects eg trekking with the family , changes career or concentrates on one of these plans with it being a several years away project ie with the training being drawn out. I have known people who do these expeditions and they are highly consuming of time, mental energy and finances. Surely he can see the problems?

Original poster
Jude628 · 27/09/2023 16:32

LadyVorkosigan · 27/09/2023 16:26

My dad regularly went on scientific expeditions from work.

It meant that he was away for 2-3 months at a time, leaving my mum (who also worked full time) with two children and the mother-in-law, my gran. Three generations under one roof were pretty much the norm at the time in my country, as was having both parents at work and live-in grandparents taking care of the grandchildren.

But when he came back he brought back wonderful stories, and interesting things, and he was also the best possible father to me and my brother. He took us on sailing, skiing, cycling and camping expeditions during holidays. We had an idyllic childhood.

I can see that him being away often would not be ideal for you, OP, but it might have a more positive impact on the children than you fear. I would suggest a calm discussion of a compromise - he should be able go, but less often than he might like! As a PP suggested, a longer expedition every two years is very reasonable, with maybe something shorter - a week, or a fortnight - in the intervening years. Plus time off for you, if you want it. Good luck.

Thank you- it’s great to hear from someone who has been in that situation. My husband is extremely involved when he is at home and always wants to make sure I have time to myself- I’m just not very good at taking it while my baby is so young. I think a nice calm chat tonight is in order to work out a compromise.

OP posts:
SOBplus · 27/09/2023 16:32

Boomboom22 · 27/09/2023 16:30

He sounds very selfish tbh. And adrenaline seeking, not a good thing at all.

What a weird comment! Why would that be? (about adrenaline)

QS90 · 27/09/2023 16:32

What a selfish git. Tell him to wait until the children are in their teens.

Beezknees · 27/09/2023 16:32

When you have kids, some things have to take a back seat. This is what he's signed up for, it's tough shit. If he never gets to do it, so what? He shouldn't have had kids then.

I would not agree to this in a million years.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/09/2023 16:34

You keep insisting he is a great and present dad, but that's quite easy to do if you barely see your children and are planning to spend even less time with them by design.
These are the very young formative years and it seems like he has no intent to actually do the hard slog of any parenting.

To me he sounds so incredibly selfish and shouldn't have gotten married or had children.

I would feel so disrespected reading that letter.