Asking me what I’ve done all day

[Goodbyegreysky]

Bit of background-worked all my life many hours until having dc later. Stayed at home until Dc started Pre school. She now goes three days per week. I work two weekday evenings and one weekend morning. I do mostly everything else at home-all school runs, food shop, Cleaning bills, drs appointments etc etc.
I’m mid forties with some health issues and possibly peri, i’m
always tired. The money I earn is good, I pay into pensions and own half the house, should I be working more?
I can feel the expectation/possible resentment in Dh’s voice when he asks what I did today (on the days Dd is at school)
Some days I do just relax (or try to!) is that wrong?
Today, I’ve been for blood tests, done some food shopping, read, watched tv and been on here. I’ll pick Dd up, dog walk, make dinner, wash up etc etc then take her to bed.
If I’m earning an ok amount and doing all the other bits, should I also be working every minute she’s not with me at home?
I’m tired and sick of being made to feel I’m lazy or something. Am I pulling my weight enough?

Was he happy with you going PT?

But, also consider the possibility that you are hearing resentment in his voice when there isn't any. I don't know how the perimenopause works but might be a possibility if he was happy with you going PT.

Talk to DH about it. Say you could do more hours but then you would need to pay for childcare and he would need to start picking up more household stuff. I think this is a decision to make together or at least discuss together.

So long as you aren't struggling to make ends meet I don't see a problem. Does DH get to relax in the evenings & at the weekend while you work? If so, why can't you have some relaxation time during your non working hours?

No, so long as you are paying your way he has no right to put pressure on you to work more.
I would have a word, make sure he appreciates the things you do do and tell him the comments need to stop, he isn't your boss.

Also, I've never worked more than 18 hours a week and my kids at 16 and 11. House sometimes clean and tidy, sometimes not. Husband happy with me being PT cos it suits the family.

I think it depends how much you are contributing financially.

How does your pay compare to his? Who pays most of the bills?

It's possible he's resentful of your seemingly easy life but I think a chat and to walk through what he'd need to pick up if you were full time might help

Explain to him that if you work full time he will need to do much more childcare and more housework.

What if you split?
50% of marriages end.
You have half the house but then what about buying a new place and a pension.

You're mid 40s not 80s. Women do manage to keep working with much more on their plate. It's offensive to suggest we can't.

Today, I’ve been for blood tests, done some food shopping, read, watched tv and been on here.

that sounds like a day off for me.

There's no right or wrong answer here OP - every family needs to find the right balance. But does he realise that if you work more hours he'll need to step up with the housework and childcare?

If you're paying 50% of everything then I don't see a problem, i do think it's unfair if you aren't doing that..
Also, does he have the option to work part time?

I agree with this. I know that I feel a bit defensive when my husband asked this but, I’m fairness to him, I think he was just genuinely asking about my day! Certainly, whenever I’ve raised the issue of going back to working more hours or changing career to be able to earn more, he always says that he’d support it if it’s what I want but that the current situation works well for us so don’t do it because I feel I have to. He doesn’t want to have to pick up more of the house stuff, to be honest, so he’s happy to contribute more financially and knows I’m contributing my share in other ways.

Why is it unfair if she's not paying 50% of everything?

Surely the decision for her to work PT was a joint one!

Don't feel guilty OP if you're not paying half. If youre also doing majority of housework/childcare, plus bringing some money in, that's enough in my mind

You say you have some health conditions, was that part of the reason for going very part time?

It’s really only a question you and your partner can answer. What fits one partnership causes ructions in another.

Decide together what works for the two of you.

I agree with another poster that it depends if you are earning equally, and who’s paying more of the bills (if anyone).

If your salary is the same as his and you are both paying equally, then you don’t have to take on more hours.

If you’re earning less, and he is subsidising that, then I think he absolutely has a right to expect you to work more. Being a stay at home parent/part time working to be a parent only works if your partner absolutely supports this because it does mean that they are picking up the slack financially. It may be that he quite fancies it being his turn to drop his hours down while you go full time.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing Yes, even doing the days I do feels a lot at the moment.

@Goodornot Ive always paid into my pension. If we split, I’d still have my pension, half the house and would have to work full time I suppose is the answer.

I don’t contribute 50% to the household, but I do everything else aside from the garden. He works normal hours and comes home to a tidy house, dinner made, things organised, Dd taken care of etc

You need to talk to your DH. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

It's not all about finance though is it.

Being at home and doing almost those jobs (during the day)that would need doing by both of them after work/weekend etc gives him a better quality of life /family time/relaxation when he is at home.
If he wants her to work more, bring in more pay, then he has to expect to step up and take on household chores and organisation which, I'm betting, he won't want to do!

Maybe he’d like to work less - have you asked him about that? Is it affordable for him to go didn’t to 4 days, for example? I don’t think there’s any right of wrong answer but you need to communicate with each other about what you want and come to an agreement.

How much do you contribute?

I’d be annoyed if I was working full time and my DH wasn’t.

Is he able to drop his hours?
Why not compromise and he work less too

If all bills are being paid with 1 full time and 1 part time salary, if OP was to go full time and potentially double her income, the household could even pay for a cleaner, childcare etc and STILL have more money left over to do fun things/save etc. so they could have exactly the same quality of life, perhaps better.

It could also just be a bit of resentment building, I’d rather be able to spend my days reading, watching tv etc and then doing a bit of cleaning than be in an office 8 hours a day, I think you’d be hard pushed to find anyone who wouldn’t prefer that. Even my DH who is not the most enthusiastic cleaner has always said he’s prefer to stay and look after the house, because the reality is when you have a job, you’re out working for 8 hours a day, plus a commute, every day, 5 days a week. Unless you’re living in a castle, you’re not cleaning for that amount of time.

Where one partner is financially supporting the other, it’s them who have to be in agreement about the hours/pay they bring in, because ultimately the financial pressure of keeping the household going lies on their shoulders.

If you’re earning less, and he is subsidising that, then I think he absolutely has a right to expect you to work more. Being a stay at home parent/part time working to be a parent only works if your partner absolutely supports this because it does mean that they are picking up the slack financially.

I agree with this.

If you aren't struggling financially and he isn't having to work much harder to give you the time off you have then I think it's fine. You are obviously in quite a nice position, more than a lot of people with little kids who never get a moment to themselves, but I don't see why it always has to be a race to the bottom with motherhood. Maybe the rest of us should be pushing for more time off, not judging you for having too much.

@Cornflakes44 He works the same hours he’s always worked -8.30/9-5 in the same job he’s always done

@Georgeandzippyzoo Yes, after work he has nothing he has to do aside from story and bedtime with Dd every other day. No cooking, washing up, cleaning. At the weekend it’s the same, no cleaning, food shop etc (We used to both do all this pre Dd when I worked full time too) He just goes to work. Weekends there’s no chores for anyone and I still cook (don’t mind cooking)