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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking me what I’ve done all day

113 replies

Goodbyegreysky · 27/09/2023 13:42

Bit of background-worked all my life many hours until having dc later. Stayed at home until Dc started Pre school. She now goes three days per week. I work two weekday evenings and one weekend morning. I do mostly everything else at home-all school runs, food shop, Cleaning bills, drs appointments etc etc.
I’m mid forties with some health issues and possibly peri, i’m
always tired. The money I earn is good, I pay into pensions and own half the house, should I be working more?
I can feel the expectation/possible resentment in Dh’s voice when he asks what I did today (on the days Dd is at school)
Some days I do just relax (or try to!) is that wrong?
Today, I’ve been for blood tests, done some food shopping, read, watched tv and been on here. I’ll pick Dd up, dog walk, make dinner, wash up etc etc then take her to bed.
If I’m earning an ok amount and doing all the other bits, should I also be working every minute she’s not with me at home?
I’m tired and sick of being made to feel I’m lazy or something. Am I pulling my weight enough?

OP posts:
TheLightProgramme · 28/09/2023 11:19

Actually, OP gave an example of her day herself, and she was in fact sitting on her arse. I’m pretty sure she had said she was reading, watching TV and scrolling mnet.

This. She said her DC is having free preschool. Thats probably 15-18hrs a week

No way does "keeping house" take any where near that.

Dh and i each do about 30-45 mins cleaning/tidying a day, even if OP is doing 2 people's share its not a lot. I fit all the other "kid admin" around work like pretty much everyone i know, its not a big time commitment.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/09/2023 11:20

I have always worked 3 days and the most relaxing part of my week is the train to work and being at work.

That's right, work has many benefits, which is why giving up work in your forties tends to be bad for your mental and physical health. It is different when we are elderly and genuinely can't do as much.

mn29 · 28/09/2023 11:21

You work two evenings and one weekend morning. So that’s losing out on some of what would normally be your ‘downtime’, in a typical mon-Fri 9-5 job. I think yanbu to compensate for this by having the equivalent amount of ’time off’ during the day.

Ilovebudgies · 28/09/2023 11:23

TheLightProgramme · 28/09/2023 11:19

Actually, OP gave an example of her day herself, and she was in fact sitting on her arse. I’m pretty sure she had said she was reading, watching TV and scrolling mnet.

This. She said her DC is having free preschool. Thats probably 15-18hrs a week

No way does "keeping house" take any where near that.

Dh and i each do about 30-45 mins cleaning/tidying a day, even if OP is doing 2 people's share its not a lot. I fit all the other "kid admin" around work like pretty much everyone i know, its not a big time commitment.

Why should she be run ragged all the time? I'm sitting on my arse right now on Mumsnet whilst I'm at work! If she is managing all the house task and leaving nothing for her DH to do when he gets home, and she is paying into a pension and they have enough money and her daughter is looked after, then what exactly is she doing wrong here?
Presumably it wouldn't be easier to get more hours that work around preschool, that's why so many women end up with part time flexible low paid jobs, and then get slated by other women on here 🙄

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 28/09/2023 11:25

Gently- are you hearing a tone to your husband's questions because you yourself actually feel that way and you are projecting?

Mysleepisbroken · 28/09/2023 12:57

mn29 · 28/09/2023 11:21

You work two evenings and one weekend morning. So that’s losing out on some of what would normally be your ‘downtime’, in a typical mon-Fri 9-5 job. I think yanbu to compensate for this by having the equivalent amount of ’time off’ during the day.

This is exactly what I mean.

No one would criticise the OP for having downtime in the evening, but she's trading it in for another time.

I often think people don't really understand non standard working patterns. Its fairly normal isn't it, for the mum of a preschool child to work part time, and also to do the bulk of the housework? The only difference is the working hours pattern.

Its what I do (though housework is very much shared with us), and is what millions of us do.

MrsB74 · 28/09/2023 13:16

Dacadactyl · 27/09/2023 13:59

Why is it unfair if she's not paying 50% of everything?

Surely the decision for her to work PT was a joint one!

Don't feel guilty OP if you're not paying half. If youre also doing majority of housework/childcare, plus bringing some money in, that's enough in my mind

Completely agree with this. It must be rare for both partners to earn/contribute exactly the same amount. Workload within the home might not be paid, but definitely counts. Your health is also a factor.
As soon as we can afford it, I’d love to be part time again!

Notagreatyear · 28/09/2023 13:33

Sunshinenrain · 27/09/2023 14:41

How much do you contribute?

I’d be annoyed if I was working full time and my DH wasn’t.

Is he able to drop his hours?
Why not compromise and he work less too

This. Also when you work evenings what happens?

Duxelle · 28/09/2023 13:37

I think it only works if you're both on board with it. He doesn't sound like he is and I can understand the resentment a little.

minidancer · 28/09/2023 13:40

I still want to know if op's husband has to look after their child while she is working? Imo this makes a huge difference.
If I was coming home from work and then having to look after the kids on my own and at the weekends I'd be pretty annoyed if my other half was having 3 child free days.

Mysleepisbroken · 28/09/2023 14:26

minidancer · 28/09/2023 13:40

I still want to know if op's husband has to look after their child while she is working? Imo this makes a huge difference.
If I was coming home from work and then having to look after the kids on my own and at the weekends I'd be pretty annoyed if my other half was having 3 child free days.

He probably is at the weekend, but she says she goes to work after doing bedtime and he relaxes...

minidancer · 28/09/2023 15:23

So he can't go out and do what he wants those evenings/weekends as he would have to be in the house. If that is the case, the set up seems very unfair.

Original poster
Goodbyegreysky · 28/09/2023 15:57

Hi everyone,

Quite shocked by some of the replies. I work 3 days, Dd is in Pre school for 3 days, she’s with me the other days. Dh has zero to do when he returns home or at the weekends, he does the garden maybe once per month if not longer. He does Dds story and bedtime when I work, then relaxes. He often sees friends on the nights I’m doing Dds bedtime. On Saturdays he does Dds breakfast and they play in the house/garden for the morning, whilst I work. I generally then take her out to food shop and play dates with our griefs for a few hours, then come home, cook dinner etc. Sundays we tend to do family things, although Dh may see friends for his hobby, I only really see friends when doing play dates with Dd or at birthday parties.
i don’t go shopping during the week as in clothes shopping 😂I haven’t done that for a long time and if I do, it’s for shoes for Dd etc, I go grocery shopping, he never has to.
I also do do the chores, bills etc and all Dds pick ups, all appointments etc, Dh doesn’t do any. On my *Time off I watch tv, read etc for a short time, just as I would in the evenings when Dd in bed, Dh does that too or goes out (I’m too tired in the evening)
I’m possibly peri yes, but also have a chronic illness and being investigated at the moment as the smallest task does tend to make me tired. I wake up groggy in the mornings and can’t wait to lie down again, this isn’t me wanting to live a retired life or not working, I work in the home and out of it and also do planning in the day for my job, which used to be straightforward, but seems to take longer these days.
Yes I’m only mid forties, but in all complete honesty, it all feels a lot and I just love lying down

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodbyegreysky · 28/09/2023 15:58

*Friends, not griefs 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/09/2023 16:47

Do you mind saying what country you're in, OP?

I'm interested because three days of free preschool a week would have suited me down for to the ground, but sadly isn't available here.

Original poster
Goodbyegreysky · 28/09/2023 16:58

Spain, but you have it in the U.K. don’t you?

OP posts:
Kwasi · 28/09/2023 18:16

Don’t forget he is entitled to 50% of your current pension pot if you divorce.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/09/2023 18:24

Goodbyegreysky · 28/09/2023 16:58

Spain, but you have it in the U.K. don’t you?

Free nursery is 5 days a week (3 hours, am or pm). Private nurseries you can pick your days and to some extent your hours.

BMrs · 28/09/2023 18:32

Are you sure he's saying it with resentment? If ever my MIL is at our house to help with school runs my husband always makes conversation over tea and asks her what's she's done today (when the kids are at school). Absolutely no malice, just generally making conversation.

Don't feel guilty about having a bit of a chill day, we all need them and with you working evenings you're foregoing your normal rest time on those days to work.

Concannon88 · 28/09/2023 19:32

Lookingforasilverlining · 27/09/2023 13:45

Talk to DH about it. Say you could do more hours but then you would need to pay for childcare and he would need to start picking up more household stuff. I think this is a decision to make together or at least discuss together.

No they wouldnt, she goes 3 days per week and op works 2 mornings of those days and one weekend morning when I presume child is not in pre school.

abs12 · 28/09/2023 19:41

minidancer · 28/09/2023 15:23

So he can't go out and do what he wants those evenings/weekends as he would have to be in the house. If that is the case, the set up seems very unfair.

He's s parent. It's called patenting. It tends to keep you busy....

Lampzade · 28/09/2023 19:44

Georgeandzippyzoo · 27/09/2023 14:34

It's not all about finance though is it.

Being at home and doing almost those jobs (during the day)that would need doing by both of them after work/weekend etc gives him a better quality of life /family time/relaxation when he is at home.
If he wants her to work more, bring in more pay, then he has to expect to step up and take on household chores and organisation which, I'm betting, he won't want to do!

Show quote history

Exactly

abs12 · 28/09/2023 19:48

TheLightProgramme · 28/09/2023 11:04

Running a house, doing all the food shopping cooking, cleaning, washing, hanging up of washing, kids admin etc takes a huge amount of time and effort.

No it doesn't! I fit it around work. Online shopping takes minutes, cleaning we all pitch in. Running & hanginh a load of washing takes 20 min max and op only has 1 kid. There's really not a lot of "kids admin* for a preschooler.

Wow lucky you. You must be super perfect. Actually you sound jealous and you're piling on to what appears to be a vulnerable individual. Back off super woman.

abs12 · 28/09/2023 19:50

Lampzade · 28/09/2023 19:44

Exactly

Show quote history

Second this.

abs12 · 28/09/2023 20:04

OP there are some appalling responses here that seem to go against the grain from what you might expect. I think you need to be supported.

My situation is pretty similar to yours. Similar age, 3 days per week which is full on but well paid. I have one pre schooler 3 days a week in care. The exception is I have no health issues and I also have a five year old in school.

My PT hours ensure I am available for both kids at all times, including school holidays. I do all housework and domestic stuff on the other two days while looking after my pre schooler. Weekends and evenings DH and I split everything.

There has never been any suggestion that I don't pull my weight. I work damn hard. If I had health issues I would be supported by DH. You don't sound work shy to me, you sound like a woman trying to do as much as she can, with some challenges.

Ignore the bullshit and chat to your DH. He needs to support you with any issues and you need to make decisions together to ensure you three live your best lives. You deserve it!

Good luck OP ❤️